Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Thanksgiving Back in the Day Vs. Now: The More Things Change...
Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I love the
food, the cheer, the time spent with family. Some of my best childhood memories
are of my Thanksgivings past, all viewed from the kids’ table of course. Now
that I have a daughter, I am more and more aware of how things have changed
since I was little, in some ways for the better. For years I thought I didn’t
like sweet potatoes because the ones we had back in the 70s were dumped out of
a big, purple and orange can and smothered in mini-marshmallows. The millennial
roasted, organic garnet yam version is WAY better.
But as they say, as
much as things change, they also stay the same.
Here’s a little side
by side comparison of Thanksgiving back in the day and Thanksgiving now:
Then: Bundle up
the kids and drive across town to Grandma’s House. Over the river and through
the woods and all that.
Now: Pack up the
entire family, kennel the dogs, rush to the airport, endure an hour long
security line, almost miss your plane and then fly across the country to
grandma’s house. On the busiest travel day of the year of course.
Then: Throw the Butterball
in the oven until it’s done.
Now: Brine the
farm-raised, humanely slaughtered, organic turkey in a mixture of wine,
Himalayan salt, juniper berries and star anise. Wrap it in grass-fed butter
soaked cheese cloth after inserting decorative herb leaves under the skin and
roast gently in a convection oven. Glaze with a chipotle spiked pomegranate
molasses.
Then: Cranberry
sauce plops right out of the can onto the dish with convenient lines for
slicing!
Now: Are these cranberries GMO?
Then: All the
young men in the family have perms and mustaches and want to do The Hustle.
Now: All the
young men in the family look Amish, complete with huge beards, have at least
one ear tunnel and want to be organic farmers and run their own CSAs.
Then: You don’t
eat meat? Well here, turkey’s not meat, it’s poultry. No? Ok, have some
stuffing then. It’s not made with meat. Just some broth. What’s the big idea
here? Are you voting for Carter or something?
Now: Oh my God,
should we get the vegetarians a Field Roast or Tofurkey? Or make a lentil loaf
and serve it in an acorn squash? Is Field Roast gluten free?
Then: Football!!
Let’s go play outside and then come inside and watch the game.
Now: Umm, HELLO??
Have you never heard of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy? How about some
Montessori games on the iPad for the kids instead? And can we go ironically
retro and maybe watch The Sound of Music
on Apple TV instead?
Then: Everyone’s
in an uproar because Cousin Earl is showing off his tattoo that he got in the
Navy. Rumors are going around that Cousin Kevin might be, you know, G. A. Y.
because he has an earring.
Now: Everyone has
a tattoo. The baby practically has a tramp stamp and look at Grandma rocking
her new ink over there as she mashes those potatoes. And by the way, Cousin
Kevin IS gay, every guy at the table has an earring or two or three, Cousin
Katie has her nipple pierced and a beauty mark stud and no one cares about any
of it. Except maybe Grandpa but he’s too busy trying to find out what in the
devil this Brazilian wax nonsense is that everyone’s been talking about. What
in the dickens is the matter with folks? Back in his day, a man appreciated a
lady with a nice, full…GRANDPA STOP IT!!
Then: Well, we
might hit the K-Mart or Sears tomorrow to see if they have any sales going on.
Now: We’re having
dinner at one in the afternoon because we need to get the dishes washed and the
food put away because the Mall opens at five pm and BLACK FRIDAY STARTS
THURSDAY EVENING, BITCHES. I AM GETTING A FLAT SCREEN TV FOR TWO DOLLARS THIS
YEAR IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO! And don’t think I won’t cut somebody if I
have to.
Then: The kids
are putting on an adorable reenactment of the first Thanksgiving. Aww, look at
the little Pilgrims and Indians learning to share and live together in harmony.
Now: No way are
we going to propagate a fake fairy tale story that did not happen in order to
sugar coat the facts about how a bunch of bigoted, intolerant religious
fanatics came over here from Europe to steal the native tribes’ land and kick
off a centuries long, brutal genocide. Plus, they didn’t even have turkey back
then. I’m sorry but Squanto was eating acorns, oysters and freakin’ squirrels.
Then: Polaroids
and flash bulbs. Get around to dropping the film off at the Fotomat after
Christmas. Hopefully. Then maybe by Easter someone will finally manage to stick
all the pictures into a big, vinyl covered photo album.
Now: Instagram
this immediately. Tag me. Delete that! I look fat. Untag me! Did you post that
without asking me? Oh my God! How many likes did we get? #FamilyThanksgiving2014 #OMGSoFull #YesIAteThat
Then: Kids
arguing over the wishbone.
Now: Everyone
takes a turn doing a wishbone selfie.
Then: Green bean
casserole! Sneak all the crunchy onions off the top!
Now: Green bean casserole. Sneak
all the crunchy onions off the top!
Then: Grandpa’s
wearing a leisure suit and bitching about taxes, Democrats and gas prices.
Now: Grandpa is
still wearing a leisure suit and bitching about taxes, Democrats and gas
prices.
Then: Ehn, we’ll probably
go cut down a tree in a couple weeks and get it up in time for Christmas, once
we untangle all the darned strings of Christmas lights we tossed in a cardboard
box in the basement.
Now: That
sucker’s been up since Halloween. Pre-lit, for the win.
Then: Here have a
slice of Mrs. Smith’s Pumpkin Pie with some Cool Whip on top.
Now: How about a
pumpkin spice latte with pumpkin spice oreos, pumpkin spice Pringles, pumpkin
spice Milano cookies, pumpkin spice kale chips, pumpkin spice coffee with
pumpkin spice creamer to go in it, pumpkin spice bagels with pumpkin spice
cream cheese, pumpkin spice hummus, pumpkin spice marshmallows and pumpkin
spice m&ms? And if your skin feels a little dry we also have pumpkin spice
hand cream which goes nicely with our pumpkin spice candles, pumpkin spice air
freshener and pumpkin spice shampoo.
Then: You got out
of bed excited to see Snoopy, Charlie Brown, Bullwinkle and Kermit float down
Broadway in the Macy’s Parade. You were really excited to see the Rockettes too
and if the reception was bad you were totally willing to hold the tin foil on
the rabbit ears so you didn’t miss a thing.
Now: You get out
of bed excited to see Pikachu, Sponge Bob and some freaky looking, faceless,
silver rabbit thing floating down Central Park South. And okay, you’re still
really excited to see The Rockettes and if the satellite goes out on the TV
it’s fine. You can live stream the parade on your laptop.
Then: Your
family’s nuts, you’re stuffed, you’re happy and most of all, you’re thankful
for everything.
Now: Your
family’s nuts, you’re stuffed, you’re happy and most of all, you’re thankful
for everything.
#HappyThanksgiving!
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3 comments:
I so enjoyed this post.
I still can't wait to wake up early to watch the parade!
Cute! Were we too casual then or too uptight now? It's a matter of perspective, I guess!