Friday, February 21, 2014

A Grown Ass Woman

This week I heard someone use the term "grown ass woman" and it appealed to me on various levels as I realized, with some amount of shock, that I am one.

I had a weird epiphany this week- an Aha! moment if you will. I don't really know what triggered it exactly. It just came while I was driving of all things and I realized that for many, many years, ok my entire life, that I have been living with an ingrained, conditioned response to everything.

I believe that if I make a mistake that I will be punished.

I don't mean karmically or anything like that. I mean literally! Like that if I mess up or don't do the exact right thing all the time that I will get in trouble and I go around living my life through this faulty lens.

It's pretty messed up actually because it means I never let myself grow up. I somehow got stuck in a very child-like mentality where other people were in control and where I believed I had to please them or face consequences until I "learned my lesson." For my whole adult life I've been making decisions based around a fear of punishment.

Well guess what? No one can punish me. I am a grown ass woman. I can do whatever I want, including mess up or make the wrong choice once in a while or fail at something or be lazy with chores every now and again or be disorganized or slack in my work or oversleep or sass whomever I please. I can do all these things and more and I will not get in trouble for them. No one is going to hit me or ground me. No one can put me in a corner or spank me or take away my privileges. There are no naughty-chairs in adulthood or going to bed without dinner. I can eat dessert whenever I want in spite of my behavior, even if I filled up on bread before dinner, dammit.

Sure, the people around me can get annoyed. They can bitch and yell. They can give me the silent treatment, the cold shoulder and they can voice their disapproval, but ultimately, they don't really get a say. I do and if anyone has a problem with me, it's theirs to deal with. Not mine. Other people cannot punish me. If I make poor choices I will suffer the natural consequences of them, but that's not the same as worrying all the time that I'm going to "get in trouble."

That's just being a grown ass woman.

4 comments:

kerry said...

Sing it! :)

Carolyn said...

Congratulations! It is a freeing moment when you realize your in charge of your own life.

Anonymous said...

Aren't epiphanies great? :D

catherine

Anonymous said...

Amen to that & hell yes!!!

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