Monday, January 27, 2014

Diary of a Juice Fast

Saturday night, after eating a shit-load of pasta all weekend, I had this brilliant idea that I was going to go on a juice fast.

I know at least twenty people who are juice fasting now. It is, apparently, the thing to do right now. Interestingly enough, I've also noted that most of the juice fasters I know are also the wealthiest people I know, because the world makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever. Poor people are fat. Rich people are skinny and rich women love to starve themselves and on top of that, juice fasting is expensive, so it actually costs a lot not to eat anything. How is this even possible?

Most of the juice fasters I know either go to special places to buy eleven dollar bottles of cold pressed, fresh juice (SMALL eleven dollar bottles might I add) or they make them themselves with their thousand dollar juicers and their seventy-five dollars worth of biodynamically grown produce from Whole Foods.

Not me. I'm a slum juicer. 

I found a juicer in my parents' garage, which is missing a few parts but works, and I buy whatever damn fruits and vegetables I can afford at the regular grocery store. I figure it's better than nothing. My juice tastes good. I feel fine. The world isn't going to end if the motor heats up my juice a couple degrees. I'm not particularly concerned about the murder of a few innocent enzymes and for the record, I think most of that stuff is bullshit anyway.

Most days, I juice. I also eat. Sunday, I decided, I was just going to juice.

Here is a diary of my juice fast.

Saturday Night

Me - I'm going to go on a juice fast! Juice, y'all. I am going to consume nothing but juice for 24 hours, after which I will be skinny and gorgeous and able to do Standing Bow in yoga and I will take over the world because I did nothing but drink juice for an entire day, woooooooo!!!

(I think I was on the verge of some kind of juice-induced mania.)

Sunday Morning

8am - I spend 45 minutes making several jars of juice to last me for the rest of the day. One of them tastes good and the other looks like I dredged it out of a stagnant irrigation pond. Kale was involved.

9:30am - My friend arrives with bagels and cream cheese and I eat a half a bagel to be polite, because jeez, of course, and they were cinnamon raisin. But I mean, you have to eat breakfast. You are SUPPOSED to eat breakfast.

At this point, early on in the game, I realize that I can justify eating in exactly the same way that an alcoholic can justify drinking.

11:00am - I finish another cup of the stagnant pond water. My friend looks at me with pity and comments that it smells funny. I remark that it will probably make me poop a lot.

1:00 - more juice. I begin to get a splitting headache. I nap until 3 and get up and have more juice and get an even worse headache.

3:00 - I decide that coffee is actually a form of juice, technically. Right? It really is. It's coffee bean juice. So I have coffee and Advil and lie back down and write some more and realize that I have turned into full on Cornholio now because the juice has somehow sensitized me to the caffeine.

7:00 - I'm fucking starving, dammit.

7:30 - My husband decides to make the most delicious looking pot of pasta I have ever seen in my entire life. It involves tomato cream sauce. There is butter. Angels are singing over it. I need it.

7:35 - I eat a bowl of the pasta and it is better than I imagined. But I drink the rest of the pond water with it, which has to count for something. I swear, it HAS to.

7:45 - I need another bowl of that pasta.

7:55 - Screw the juice fast. We have some chocolate in the cabinet.

And so ends my first and only attempt at juice fasting. I have no willpower at all.

I mean, come on. Is it really natural to eat nothing but juice all day? That can't be healthy.

9 comments:

kerry said...

Juice fasting always seemed odd to me. Unsatisfying, and it can still have lots of calories, if you put in fruits and whatnot to make it taste good.

I don't think I'd be able to do it.

Walter Landman said...

My experience with a 24 hour juice diet was similar. A headache that got stronger as the day went on. Tired. Finally, the KFC commercial did me in. I lasted about 24 hours.

Anonymous said...

I read this and cracked the hell up! I have not laughed this hard in forever! Thanks girl I really needed this. I love you!

FreeDragon said...

They make low-carb pasta. The brand I buy is Dreamfields. It's still high in carbs, but it's not near as bad as the regular stuff.

Johnny Virgil said...

Dreamfields makes you fart bigtime.

Anonymous said...

This is great!! :) Hahahaa!!

Anonymous said...

This is great!! LOL!!
Hahahaaa!! You are awesome!

Krishyl Gatillosa Esgana said...

Juice fasting is a way to detoxify. It cleanses the body from toxins and nourishes it with nutrients. Read also: http://www.amchara.co.uk/juice-diet/

Krishyl Gatillosa Esgana said...

Juice fasting is a way to detoxify. It cleanses the body from toxins & nourish it with nutrients. Read also: http://www.amchara.co.uk/juice-diet/

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