Thursday, December 12, 2013

You Know it's Christmas in South Florida When...


1. All of a sudden you start seeing girls wearing Uggs and scarves with mini-skirts and tank tops as if that makes sense.

2. We go ice-skating on large sheets of wax. While wearing shorts. And don't forget the sunscreen.

3. Someone you know is going diving for lobsters for Christmas dinner. They're in season.

4. So are stone crabs, so someone better bring a tray to the holiday cocktail party.

5. If it's cloudy, everyone gets excited and pretends it's cold outside and pulls out the sweaters they've been dying to wear since last December.

6. At least once, you will take your kids to a local park where a big truck will come and dump a ton of shaved ice so they can play in the "snow."

7. It doesn't feel like the holidays until you make that three hour schlep up to Disney to fight the crowds and pay a fortune to stand in line, but it's all worth it when you see the Osborne lights.

8. Forget Johnny Mathis, you're jammin' to Jimmy Buffet's Christmas album.

9. You're really excited for the Starbucks holiday drinks, but, umm, you'll take your eggnog latte iced, thanks.

10. The gingerbread houses have screened-in pools and central air.

11. Every single person you know had their family Christmas photos taken on the beach and they're most likely all wearing white button-ups and either rolled up jeans or khakis.

12. You think it's ridiculous when you see houses decorated with a snowman theme.

13. Yet, it's totally normal to see flamingos with wreaths around their necks, Santa Claus in a Hawaiian shirt and you don't think a Christmas octopus is even slightly weird.

14. Your children believe that Santa arrives on a boat and not on a sleigh and that boat may or may not be pulled by marlins instead of reindeer.

15. Your friends have all pulled out their Caja Chinas and you've definitely ordered your whole suckling pig for Christmas Eve.

16. The strippers start wearing Santa hats and sucking suggestively on candy canes. "Ho ho ho" takes on an entirely different meaning down here.

17. After opening presents, we all go jump in the pool.

18. You start getting really friendly with people who live on the water so you can go to their Boat Parade parties.

19. Mrs. Claus? Who's that? Down here, Santa has a twenty-year old trophy wife with fake boobs and her name is Destynee.

20. You know how to say "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year" in English, Spanish and Creole and you're happy to do so.

21. It's time to take a ride to look at all the beautiful Christmas lights. By boat!

22. On Christmas day, instead of chimney smoke, all you can smell is charcoal because in South Florida, we BBQ instead of bake our holiday dinners.

23. Northerners can keep that nasty fruit cake. South Florida's got key lime pie.

24. You have to go into a mall to remember it's Christmas because it feels like the Fourth of July out.

25. Christmas trees are palms and their trunks are probably decorated in alternating bands of red and white lights so they look like candy canes.

26. Red and green? What are you talking about? Aren't hot pink and turquoise Christmas colors?

27. Everyone, including you, is desperately hoping the temperature drops below 70, you know, so it's "cold" out and really "feels like Christmas," except of course all the Canadians and Germans, who will jump in the ocean when it's, oh my God brrrr, 68 degrees out.

Happy Holidays, everyone! 

** If you enjoy my writing, please support my work by sharing it on Facebook or Twitter and please consider checking out my memoir Amateur Night at the Bubblegum Kittikat, available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle, on Nook and iBooks. It makes a great gift!**


FreeDragon said...

I'm with you on the snowmen. I hate seeing plastic snowmen on either dead grass or bare red clay. Nothing looks so out of place.

Anonymous said... I saw this and all I could think of was you :D enjoy!

About Me

Blog Archive