Monday, October 28, 2013

Bake Sale

This weekend, my worst character flaw took over. I can't say no. I had said no a month ago when asked to chair the bake sale at Little Lawns' school because it was the day after her birthday and because my in-laws were in town. It would be too much to handle all at once. After a kid's birthday party, I need a week's vacation. That shit is exhausting. Instead, I found myself in a frenzy of flour and sugar and Pam cooking spray.

No one volunteered except the mother of my favorite child in Little Lawns' class. She also happens to be my favorite mom (not that I don't like them all, but I know this mom better and well, she gives me soup all the time and who doesn't love someone who gives them soup all the time?). I couldn't let the school down. I couldn't leave my poor friend hanging all by herself out there after church on Sunday trying to sell a meager pan of peanut butter cookies! I had to come through. And so, this is how I ended up on a mission to SAVE THE BAKE SALE!!

In the midst of preparing for my daughter's third birthday party, I somehow managed to bake a pan of gingerbread, a pan of truffle brownies and a pan of chocolate chip blondie bars, which are my current obsession. You're welcome in advance for that recipe, by the way. Oh, and also pumpkin chocolate chip squares because it was Halloween and because they are insanely good. After all this and all the party prep at the same time, I came to think of myself as super-human. I'm pretty sure I am.

After surviving the birthday party, I got up early Sunday morning and went to SAVE THE BAKE SALE. I was like a soldier on a mission and when I arrived, my heart warmed to see that so many people had come through for us. We had plenty of baked goods to sell. People had made cupcakes, spice cakes, Halloween themed candy, brownies, cookies, rice krispy treats, you name it. We had two tables loaded with delights - all homemade. I almost cried.

Little Lawns goes to a church preschool and this bake sale was to raise money for playground repairs for the children. We set the bake sale up outside the church so that when people came in and out of the three morning services they would pass our table. There was a big sign that said treats were by donation. That made it a lot easier than having to price everything and make change.

Most people are decent and reasonable and would overpay.  Our goal was to make $150.00 and the church-goers were kind and generous in supporting our cause. It was a lot of fun. Readers, I have found my true calling in life and it is bake sales.

My friend and I had so much fun that we started planning a big Christmas bake sale blow-out extravaganza. I'm pretty sure that by the end of the conversation about it we'd decided to set off fireworks and sell elephant rides. We are seriously enthusiastic bake sale moms.

And you know, the bake sale made me happy. I love volunteering. I love being out doing things around people. I love being in close proximity to cake. I love that I could stand there and drink free, weak, church coffee all morning with friends who love this stuff as much as I do. I love that I can do things to help my daughter's school. I'm really grateful.

But then, the crazy folk showed up. Don't they always?

First, from God knows where, a woman in a prairie skirt and about 20 necklaces and a sack of quartz crystals appeared and she was your requisite 50-something, old hippie nutcase who will not leave and will not shut up. And she decided to stand in front of our table and holler at the top of her lungs in an attempt to draw in the customers, when in fact she was scaring them away. Then she decided to talk to everyone who passed and I swear she switched topic every half a second and we could not get rid of this woman. It was awful and I have PMS and was tired so it's a miracle I didn't drop kick this woman clean to the Atlantic Ocean.

But that's not all.

I learned a long time ago that in every large group of people that you can expect at least one total fucking asshole. Even at church. Even at a bake sale. It's probability. 

So this nasty old bitch comes up and everything about her was pinched and she looked like a villain out of a Roald Dahl book. She was very Aunt Spiker. The chip on this woman's shoulder must have weighed 75 pounds.

Aunt Spiker proceeded to take a paper plate and load it. I mean LOAD that shit up. She had a tower of baked goods on her plate. Which is fine if you give an appropriate amount in return, which everyone else did. Shoot, take as much as you want as long as you give to help out our kids, you know?

This woman's nerve was like nothing I have ever seen. She took her heavily laden plate, filled with items that people had lovingly baked and donated and then looked at us like we were trying to rob her blind and said:

"My donation is that I sing in the choir."

I shit you not. She actually said that. Stunned, it took us a second to recover.

"Singing in the choir doesn't help our children at the preschool," I said, "We're raising money to repair the playground, not for the church."

She looked at us and gave an arrogant shrug.

"You're not singing in the choir for the kids," my friend said.

The woman literally sniffed at us in disdain and walked away with her plate of what I consider to be stolen baked goods.

I shook with rage. Can you imagine?? And since when is singing in the choir any kind of donation? What kind of Christian behavior is that? Singing in the church choir is a choice and a privilege and something to be done in the spirit of joy and praise, not like you're making some hideous personal sacrifice and putting yourself out SOO much so that you feel entitled to take things that don't belong to you!

Just wait 'til December, lady. It's on. Next time I'm ready for you.


Laurel said...

I need a reason for a bake sale. I really do. I love to bake and I haven't done it in bulk in so long!

I was part of an academic club in college and we decided to have a bake sale on Valentine's Day. I was up the night before making some kind of fudge and peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I had to have my parents bring it to the school because I was bedridden that week.

You need to to have a sign that says, "You take. You donate." Otherwise, she'll attempt the same thing again.

She probably can't even sing.

jmm said...

Thanks for the recipe ideas. I think I'll try making those pumpkin squares for a potluck this Saturday. That lady is a real douche. Just reading that made me mad.

Living in Muddy Waters said...

Welcome to my world!

Anonymous said...

I would use the special Exlax recipe for the woman in the choir. :) Actually, I'm the ideal bake sale patron. I shouldn't eat that stuff so I just give money and don't take anything.

Saffron said...

List a minimum donation per item. Just write on the sign or say that the minimum donation is $0.25 (or $0.50 or...) per item. If asks say unfortunately some members felt their mere presence was donation enough so you had to set minimums... that will open the wallets the generous even further.

JoeinVegas said...

Bake sale Momma! Yea!!

Anonymous said...

I would have snatched that plate right out of her hand. Seriously. Next time do it! Or just block her when you see her coming!

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