Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Snakes and Ants, Just Another South Florida Morning

I just dropped Little Lawns off at school and came home to a mouthful of ants. Lovely. How does that happen, you ask? Well, Little Lawns left a half a piece of toast on the table and when I came back home that piece of toast was looking mighty delicious and I thought, hell, even if I'm on a diet, what's a half a piece of toast going to do? So I picked it up and took a bite and immediately I thought it tasted weird and that was about the second I noticed that the plate in my hand was swarming with ants. Hundreds of teeny tiny ants that had discovered the toast before I had and declared it a holiday. I spit it out and rinsed my mouth out in the kitchen sink, but I still feel my mouth crawling. I think I'm a little traumatized.

Not as traumatized as my sister. She had a snake in her house this morning. 

After dropping the little one off at preschool, I stopped by the grocery store, because I can now go to the grocery store alone, and after three years it feels like a god damned vacation every time I walk down an aisle without a toddler trying to launch herself out of the cart and onto a shelf of Count Chocula. While at the grocery store, I received a text from my sister. Here is a transcript of the conversation we then had via text message:

 * I have a real fucking snake in my house. Not the worm looking ones. A real fucking snake and I lost it trying to find something to catch it with. I'm moving and leaving all my shit here.

* Ok, I'm coming over to catch it for you. I'm not scared of snakes. I'm just leaving Publix right now.

So I got in the car and got stuck at the bridge and my sister was probably being strangled to death by the snake while I waited in traffic to come save her life from what I had, by now, imagined to be that thing from Harry Potter and my stupid ass was going to save her from it and be all heroic and shit. I clearly lied when I said I wasn't scared of snakes. I am very scared of snakes. What the hell was I thinking?? Well then I started to rain really hard and I had to bring my groceries inside in the pouring rain and by the time I got them put away it was raining harder and I decided that I didn't really want all that much to do with the snake anyway so I text her back:

*I'm sorry but I am not getting wet for a snake.

*That's what she said.

Cue the Beavis and Butthead laughter here.


Laurel said...

My cousin has had several snakes in her yard and one in her house. I would freak!

But our great grandmother had one in her home when she was still living alone. She couldn't see which was the head or tail, so she beat it to death with her walker!

Melanie said...

I wish Laurel's great grandmother would come live in Texas with me and save me from all spiders, snakes, and things that go bump in the night


She sounds like a real spunky lady!

JoeinVegas said...

But - you can't leave us hanging - did she get the snake out or is she moving?

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