Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Hover Craft

I'd like to take the time to discuss a very important issue this morning. Peeing in public bathrooms.

I am discussing this issue today because I did, in fact, pee in a public bathroom this morning and there was pee all over the seat, which I had to clean and which sent me into an OCD fit and really kind of got me to thinking about my stance on something that affects us all.


You know when you go in a public bathroom and you don't want your precious snowflake butt to touch the seat that the asses of the great unwashed surely have also touched, so you squat over the toilet in a difficult position accessible generally to only the most advanced yogis and you try to squeeze out your pee, or God forbid, poop, as quickly as you possibly can so you can get the hell out of that filthy bathroom without getting germs on you?

I know, I've done it too.

But I think it doesn't work very well. I think hovering creates the exact situation that it seeks to avoid, which is of course, dirty toilet seats. Most of us don't have that great aim. When you hover, there is a higher chance of pee drips getting on the seat. If you'd just sit your ass on the toilet and let the pee go directly into the toilet then there's no chance at all of pee getting on the seat, and thus, the seat would stay cleaner for everyone. I swear.

Have you ever gone into a public restroom and seen poop splattered all over the wall behind the toilet and wondered, Jeez, what happened in here? This is a horrifying sight, which I have, unfortunately, encountered more than once. You know why that happened? Hovering. Hovering while pooping is a bad, bad idea, especially with the kind of poop that is so urgent that it has to be done in public because you can't wait to get home.

It kind of makes me wonder what are we all so afraid of? How dirty do we think other people are? What do we think will actually, realistically happen to us if we sit on a public toilet seat? Herpes? What?

Be brave. Take a seat against hovering and keep public bathrooms clean for everyone.


FreeDragon said...

And if you must hover, for god's sake clean up your own mess!

Laurie Evans said...

I see you are on Facebook, I have something for you to look at there. (Can't get a link for it, for some reason.) Author Diana Gabaldon (who wrote the Outlander series) wrote a lonnnng note about butt cooties on toilet seats, and to ask people to PLEASE stop hovering!

Go to Facebook, search for Diana Gabaldon and scroll down to find her Sept 15th post. It's worth finding and reading! She will make you feel better about toilet cooties, I swear.

Kirby said...

Agreed! Butt was meant for sitting on. On similar subject, I was at Ocean Reef in Key Largo for a wedding this past weekend. There was construction going on so they had a porta-potty and it was the fanciest nicest potty I have ever seen. Words cannot describe this porta-potty I had to Facebook pics. I'm friends with you on your author page so you can find me on FB (first name is same as I sign here) and see for yourself.

JoeinVegas said...

Um, OK. It's hard to use men's restrooms either - for some reason lifting the seat is not a concept a lot of guys have. (nor is hand washing)

kerry said...

Ugh. I hate following a hoverer. Here in CA, most bathrooms have little paper covers for those who have issues sitting on the seat. Put down the paper, and now it's covered. But somehow they still feel a need to hover and I don't quite understand it.

Or the ones who don't flush...

Scat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
catherine said...

I can understand when people cover the seat with toilet paper, but for the love of gawd, please pick up after yourself and throw the paper out or flush it. It drives me crazy when you walk into a stall and the toilet and/or floor are covered in long strips of toilet paper....

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