Thursday, September 26, 2013

Giving Up

I've been on my diet, tailor made for me by a nutritionist/ trainer for almost two months now and I have only lost the initial four pounds that I lost the first week, so today, I'm officially giving up.

I'm staying on my diet, but not to lose weight. I'm giving up worrying about numbers on the scale. I'm handing it over. It's out of my mind. The fundies call that giving it up to Jesus, the yoga people call it releasing it to the Universe. Whatever. I'm done. I refuse to torture myself any more. I refuse to let a scale dictate my mood or how I feel about myself.

I had this goal that when I turned 40 in November that I wanted to weigh 125 pounds, which is what I weighed when I was 25 and wore a size four and had no idea how hot my body was. Right now, at 5'6", I am 136 pounds. I wear a size 6/8. I am fine the way I am. Yesterday I realized that there are people who are shorter than me who would kill to be 136 pounds. Someone out there is calling me a crazy, anorexic bitch for wanting to weigh less than 136 pounds because that is their goal weight. They wish they could weigh that and I'm complaining about being fat.

I don't know why I didn't lose any weight. It could be that my metabolism is really slow as I enter middle-age (oh my God, NOOO). Maybe it's the Zoloft I take, but quitting it and having panic attacks in the middle of the night again and carrying bleach wipes everywhere and acting like a crazy person is not worth a few pounds gone. I'd much rather wear a bigger size jeans than be nuts.

So why am I staying on a diet that didn't work, you ask? Because it does work, just, apparently, not for losing weight. I feel better than I have in maybe ever. I know that my diet is perfectly balanced, clean and packed with all the nutrition I need. I feel so good eating this way that I don't want to stop. The stomach problems that have plagued me since childhood disappeared. For the first time in my life, I am actually regular, which is TMI, I know, but that alone is reason enough not to go off my meal plan. I don't eat anything ridiculous. There are no major dietary exclusions. I eat six times a day, mostly vegetables and I get plenty of fruit every day, eggs, olive and coconut oil in small amounts, whole grains, fish, turkey, quinoa pasta, hummus, black beans and every night before bed I get to have a bowl of cereal with berries and vanilla almond milk and it's delicious. I actually like the diet and it has simplified my grocery shopping a lot too. I've gotten into the habit of measuring out my portions as well. Before, I was eating way more than a serving of starches and thinking I wasn't eating very much. Dear self, two cups of rice is actually EIGHT servings, not one.

So that's it. I'm giving up. Now my goal is to turn 40 this November accepting myself as I am, knowing and being proud that I am in the best shape I've ever been in, even though I'm not at my lowest weight in fifteen years, and being happy in the knowledge that I am eating well and exercising and doing all the right things for my body, regardless of what the scale says. I think that's a better goal.

I'm tired of all the self-hate that women my age seem to have. It depresses me and I know I am such a part of it. It's as if, through all of our actions, we're constantly apologizing for not being perfect in some way. We go out to eat with a group of women and it's like a contest to see who can eat the least or order the sparest meal. We order dessert and everyone acts like they're petrified of it, as if the waiter brought a block of plutonium to the table instead of cake. I notice repeatedly that when we receive compliments, instead of saying thank you, we start apologizing, shooting the compliment down and declaring what a mess we are instead. I don't want to be a part of that anymore. I don't want someone to compliment my appearance and then tell them "Oh my God, no way, I feel so bloated and I'm breaking out and I have dark circles under my eyes and ugh, I'm just hideous." 

So it's over. I'm giving up. I'm fine exactly as I am and so are you. The end.


Anonymous said...

40 to 50 is a tough ten years but like most you will deal with it. What choice do we really have? Keep a healthy mind and eventually you will figure it all out. I did. It wasn't easy ever but what is? Feeling good is much better than looking perfect all the time. You will realize and maybe you did that you are perfect. We all come in different sizes. Its not important at all. It is the way you see yourself not the way the world sees you. Who cares if they are mostly blind?

Jenny said...

Good for you Wide Lawns!

Another thing that might be prohibiting your weight loss is birth control, if you are using hormonal birth control. I switched to non-hormonal and after my body regulated back to its normal levels of hormones, the weight started to come off easier.

And yes, I would kill to weigh 136, 135 is my goal :) But I still think I'm pretty fabulous, though, with what I weigh now!

FreeDragon said...

Bravo! 136 is a great weight! I too gave up on the number a few years ago. Now I just aim for fit. I feel better. When I got out of the hospital three years ago, I weighed 113 (from the shock of the diabetic comma and the liquid diet I was on for most of my 13 day visit) I felt TOO THIN. I really felt like there wasn't enough of me. Almost like I might blow away in a strong wind. I had no energy and I looked homeless because my clothes were falling off me. It was horrible and I couldn't believe some people actually want to be 100 pounds. When you're that small you're nothing, and sorry ladies, it doesn't look good.

Vic said...

You nailed this one.

kerry said...

Yes! I wish more of us would recognize that we're doing ok. Doing the best we can and it's fine. And the scale is a terrible way to gauge our selves- how you feel is much better.

I hate the self-hate, too, and it's rampant. Nobody teaches us how to accept a compliment and that's a shame. I know when I give a compliment, I mean it. I know the person I compliment isn't perfect, and I don't care. What I see and what I compliment, is good and awesome. Sometimes other people see us better than we see ourselves and maybe on those times we should believe them.

**hugs** You are awesome and I'm glad you're realizing it.

JoeinVegas said...

Yes, good for you! Be happy with yourself.

Living in Muddy Waters said...

From what I have read of your blog and book, I think your 25 year old self that weighed 125 was probably not healthy at that weight. Go you.

Terri said...

RhaI am 54 still pre menopausal...hate gettting thicker in the middle but hate even more to exercise. I am 5 6 1/2 and weigh 139. The last time I went to the doc I told them to just write it down and not tell me. I feel healthy but still long for the 122 I was after giving birth to child number is wrong with me? not achievable and not healthy. You were in kent/sussex county all must have been a hot babe compared to your peers here. Embrace normal and love your 40's. I love my 50's and I tell people that I am 58 so they go ...omg you look amazing!

Anonymous said...

I hate to say it, it's at least partly metabolism. I never gained weight no matter what I ate until I turned 40. It was natural. I inherited from my father, who is still rail thin, as is my brother. I thought it would be that way forever. It came as a surprise to me when I saw that I actually look kind of...plump in a recent photo. No like. Trying to learn to exercise more. Hard when I was spoiled all my life.

Heather Dearmon said...

thank you for writing this! i am right there with you girl --attitude wise-- not size wise! (yes, i was one of the readers calling you a crazy bitch and how i'd die to be 136!) ha! i am eating healthy too now, no gluten, lots of veggies, beans and hummus, and i have also had the same relief of the indigestion and TMI stuff you mentioned that plagued me my whole life! i came to the same conclusion you did about a month ago when i went on a juice and veggie fast to try to lose 20lbs before my 40th. by the 4th day i was a dizzy, angry bitch, but i lost 10lbs, which is great, but so not worth the torture. so i gave it up, like you, and got back to actually eating healthy and not letting my weight get me down. we miss out on the blessings around us when we fall for the pressure our dumb culture puts on us! btw, you are gorgeous, and may i say, THIN!

Albany Jane said...

Yes! Great post! It's amazing how much better one feels when one "gives up" that weight on their shoulders.

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