Thursday, September 26, 2013

Giving Up

I've been on my diet, tailor made for me by a nutritionist/ trainer for almost two months now and I have only lost the initial four pounds that I lost the first week, so today, I'm officially giving up.

I'm staying on my diet, but not to lose weight. I'm giving up worrying about numbers on the scale. I'm handing it over. It's out of my mind. The fundies call that giving it up to Jesus, the yoga people call it releasing it to the Universe. Whatever. I'm done. I refuse to torture myself any more. I refuse to let a scale dictate my mood or how I feel about myself.

I had this goal that when I turned 40 in November that I wanted to weigh 125 pounds, which is what I weighed when I was 25 and wore a size four and had no idea how hot my body was. Right now, at 5'6", I am 136 pounds. I wear a size 6/8. I am fine the way I am. Yesterday I realized that there are people who are shorter than me who would kill to be 136 pounds. Someone out there is calling me a crazy, anorexic bitch for wanting to weigh less than 136 pounds because that is their goal weight. They wish they could weigh that and I'm complaining about being fat.

I don't know why I didn't lose any weight. It could be that my metabolism is really slow as I enter middle-age (oh my God, NOOO). Maybe it's the Zoloft I take, but quitting it and having panic attacks in the middle of the night again and carrying bleach wipes everywhere and acting like a crazy person is not worth a few pounds gone. I'd much rather wear a bigger size jeans than be nuts.

So why am I staying on a diet that didn't work, you ask? Because it does work, just, apparently, not for losing weight. I feel better than I have in maybe ever. I know that my diet is perfectly balanced, clean and packed with all the nutrition I need. I feel so good eating this way that I don't want to stop. The stomach problems that have plagued me since childhood disappeared. For the first time in my life, I am actually regular, which is TMI, I know, but that alone is reason enough not to go off my meal plan. I don't eat anything ridiculous. There are no major dietary exclusions. I eat six times a day, mostly vegetables and I get plenty of fruit every day, eggs, olive and coconut oil in small amounts, whole grains, fish, turkey, quinoa pasta, hummus, black beans and every night before bed I get to have a bowl of cereal with berries and vanilla almond milk and it's delicious. I actually like the diet and it has simplified my grocery shopping a lot too. I've gotten into the habit of measuring out my portions as well. Before, I was eating way more than a serving of starches and thinking I wasn't eating very much. Dear self, two cups of rice is actually EIGHT servings, not one.

So that's it. I'm giving up. Now my goal is to turn 40 this November accepting myself as I am, knowing and being proud that I am in the best shape I've ever been in, even though I'm not at my lowest weight in fifteen years, and being happy in the knowledge that I am eating well and exercising and doing all the right things for my body, regardless of what the scale says. I think that's a better goal.

I'm tired of all the self-hate that women my age seem to have. It depresses me and I know I am such a part of it. It's as if, through all of our actions, we're constantly apologizing for not being perfect in some way. We go out to eat with a group of women and it's like a contest to see who can eat the least or order the sparest meal. We order dessert and everyone acts like they're petrified of it, as if the waiter brought a block of plutonium to the table instead of cake. I notice repeatedly that when we receive compliments, instead of saying thank you, we start apologizing, shooting the compliment down and declaring what a mess we are instead. I don't want to be a part of that anymore. I don't want someone to compliment my appearance and then tell them "Oh my God, no way, I feel so bloated and I'm breaking out and I have dark circles under my eyes and ugh, I'm just hideous." 

So it's over. I'm giving up. I'm fine exactly as I am and so are you. The end.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Hover Craft

I'd like to take the time to discuss a very important issue this morning. Peeing in public bathrooms.

I am discussing this issue today because I did, in fact, pee in a public bathroom this morning and there was pee all over the seat, which I had to clean and which sent me into an OCD fit and really kind of got me to thinking about my stance on something that affects us all.


You know when you go in a public bathroom and you don't want your precious snowflake butt to touch the seat that the asses of the great unwashed surely have also touched, so you squat over the toilet in a difficult position accessible generally to only the most advanced yogis and you try to squeeze out your pee, or God forbid, poop, as quickly as you possibly can so you can get the hell out of that filthy bathroom without getting germs on you?

I know, I've done it too.

But I think it doesn't work very well. I think hovering creates the exact situation that it seeks to avoid, which is of course, dirty toilet seats. Most of us don't have that great aim. When you hover, there is a higher chance of pee drips getting on the seat. If you'd just sit your ass on the toilet and let the pee go directly into the toilet then there's no chance at all of pee getting on the seat, and thus, the seat would stay cleaner for everyone. I swear.

Have you ever gone into a public restroom and seen poop splattered all over the wall behind the toilet and wondered, Jeez, what happened in here? This is a horrifying sight, which I have, unfortunately, encountered more than once. You know why that happened? Hovering. Hovering while pooping is a bad, bad idea, especially with the kind of poop that is so urgent that it has to be done in public because you can't wait to get home.

It kind of makes me wonder what are we all so afraid of? How dirty do we think other people are? What do we think will actually, realistically happen to us if we sit on a public toilet seat? Herpes? What?

Be brave. Take a seat against hovering and keep public bathrooms clean for everyone.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013

You ARE Pretty Enough, Actually

I have been reading A LOT lately, plowing through several memoirs lately and last week I enjoyed reading Jennifer Tress's new memoir You're Not Pretty Enough. I found her voice to be funny and engaging and many of her stories very relatable, although I have to give you one important caveat. I feel the book's title is a little misleading.

I expected a story about a girl who wasn't very pretty and how she overcame body image issues. There is none of that in this book and throughout the memoir there is ample evidence that Jennifer Tress was and still is very pretty. Which is fine, I mean jeez, we can't shame someone for being pretty. That would be insane, although that picture of her in middle school with the horrible 80s mullet hair (totally understand that, Jennifer. I had it too in seventh grade) is definitely not, umm, flattering. So while I'm perfectly ok with the author being pretty, I just feel that the book's cover and title is misleading. The title, in fact, comes from something Tress's ex-husband said and this was coming from a dude who looked like Ray Romano, and was truly not a central theme of the book.

You're Not Pretty Enough spans pretty much Tress's whole life up until now and as with memoirs that cover so much ground, I tended to enjoy the stories about when she was younger better than the stories about her adult life, especially her life after her divorce. That's just personal preference though and although this memoir covers thirty-plus years, I'd still categorize it as a classic "coming of age" story. It just takes some of us thirty plus years to grow up. Tress and I are in the same boat on that one, which is why I found this memoir so relatable, except the part where she had big hair and loved Bon Jovi, although those stories were hilarious. I also liked her babysitting stories and I loved the whole section about her first marriage and divorce. Tress married way too young and she married a total jackass, but somehow the sad story of their breakup ends up coming off as really, really funny.

I think what I really liked about this book was that it covered some very serious material - divorce, infidelity, a truly terrifying sexual assault and its aftermath, failed relationships and struggling relationships, but it never once came off as a depressing pity party. In fact, I found it uplifting and sincerely entertaining. I hope that Jennifer Tress is hard at work on a follow up.

Oh, and one last thing. I am getting really sick of publishing companies saying that books are like other books which are coincidentally huge best sellers. This book is compared to Jenny Lawson's Let's Pretend This Never Happened and Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed. No. NO and NO. It's nothing like either one of those books. In fact, I think it bears more similarity to my book, at least in tone, though definitely not in its subject. Read this book for its own merits and not because you think it might be like Lawson or Strayed, because it isn't.

Right now, I'm reading Kate Christensen's Blue Plate Special. I confess that I am mostly reading this book because a significant part of it takes place at one of the high schools I attended and because Christensen's family were anthroposophists and followed the teachings of Rudolph Steiner. I have attended and worked at and Little Lawns has also attended a Waldorf school (though not now, but long story) and I have an admitted bias. A few weeks ago an old friend of mine sent me an article about this memoir wherein Christensen writes about rampant sexual abuse of minors by teachers at the school. In the book she doesn't name the teacher who molested her, but the article did and it turned out that he was the father of one of my classmates who was a year older than me. Wow. I can honestly say that when I attended Green Meadow Waldorf School, ten years after Christensen, that nothing like this was going on. At least not that I knew about. So my history with the school and my own experiences there, plus knowing the son of the man who abused her, has made this a pretty crazy read so far and I'm not even halfway through. I'll give you a review once I'm done.
Monday, September 23, 2013

Good Things Aplenty

This weekend my E-Squared experiment was simple. Look for good things and note them and see how changing your attitude and looking for the positive instead of the negative will turn your life around and attract more positive things to be grateful for.

Easy Peasy!

I spent Friday afternoon with some friends on the beach. They have a little girl too that Little Lawns is friends with and the girls played beautifully. We came upon a man playing his guitar on some steps on the way to the beach and when he noticed Little Lawns' Bob Marley tee shirt, he started playing "One Love" for her and both little girls started dancing. He even let them strum the guitar. It was a beautiful, beautiful moment. Then the kids made a giant sculpture out of stuff they found on the beach and we played and played in the sand and waves. So much fun.

Husband brought sushi home for me that night along with my favorite pomegranate beer. I don't drink but I like to sip the pomegranate beer.

Saturday morning ballet. Little Lawns LOVES ballet class and she looks so cute in her leotard with her little bun. I could just bite her.

Saturday evening we got a babysitter and had dinner on the water. The food was delicious and we decided to go see a movie for the first time in four years. Not even kidding. FOUR YEARS. We saw The Butler and both of us loved it. Oprah is totally getting a Best Supporting Actress nomination. Great movie. I didn't love the overtly political ending, and the movie could have actually ended about ten minutes sooner, but the rest was excellent. When we got home the babysitter had put Little Lawns to bed and she stayed asleep until 6:30 the next morning. Unbelievable! Naturally, I was ecstatic.

On Saturday I received a huge box of apples from a reader in upstate New York who has an apple tree. I couldn't believe how generous she was to send me all those apples and they were delicious too! There were so many that Sunday morning, I decided to make apple sauce in the crock pot. YUM! My house smelled so good and then my husband made me a batch of his homemade hot sauce, which I LOVE, so I was pretty excited about that. Just had some on eggs and it was spectacular.

My husband and I got into a spat yesterday afternoon but we were able to resolve it and actually have a very loving evening. We even ordered pizza, which was really good and not anywhere close to being on my diet but what the hell, and we wrapped up the night early, so I got to read in bed for a while.

This morning we all woke up in good moods ready to start a new week and I looked at my phone and received a text.

This is going to freak you out.

Remember the experiment where I was supposed to send someone a telepathic message? Remember how I said it didn't work?

The friend I was missing, the one who I sent the message to, who lives all the way in Atlanta and who I haven't talked to in a while, texted me overnight while I was asleep to let me know that she is coming to visit this weekend!!!!!!!!! CAN NOT WAIT. I am so excited to see her.

So that's that. Now I'm trying to manifest some more book sales. Remember, if you are new here or haven't read Amateur Night at the Bubblegum Kittikat, please check it out on Amazon, Nook and iBooks. I think you'll enjoy it and you want to read it before the sequel comes out in a few months.
Friday, September 20, 2013

I Have Actually Manifested Something!

This is the craziest thing. Remember how I am reading that book, E-Squared: Nine Do-It-Yourself Energy Experiments That Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality, and doing the experiments? Well, the first experiment about the green cars and yellow butterflies definitely worked. Still seeing them EVERYWHERE. Can't stop seeing them now. Then I was supposed to ask the Universe for an unexpected gift. It didn't happen. Until it did. Yesterday, totally out of the blue, totally unexpectedly, I received a package on my doorstep. An old friend of the family, who I haven't seen since I was a toddler, up and sent me a beautiful oil painting of the Main Street in my hometown. Framed. Everything. I couldn't believe it. It's gorgeous and it's definitely aligned with the energy I've been sending out about decorating my home and making it cozier and more polished. I also like all my decorations to hold some meaning and this definitely does.

After that I was supposed to make dowsing rods. Skipped that one. Then I was supposed to telepathically send a message to someone and expect to hear from them. I did that one twice because my first one was really a long shot. Haven't heard from either of them, yet. Maybe my manifesting takes longer or something. I don't know. Te gift was supposed to come in two days but it took a little over two weeks. Maybe in two more weeks I'll hear from my friend.

Next I was supposed to plant some seeds in two pots and one pot I was supposed to send love to and the other one I was supposed to be all hateful and ugly to and I was supposed to observe the growth of each pot to see if my intentions made a difference. I'm a bit stunned at the results, which you can see pictured above. One pot, the sweet one that behaved itself, grew two nice sprouts and the other one, those stupid motherfuckers, didn't grow at all. You think it was a coincidence? It's pretty freaky. For real, man.

In another experiment I was supposed to stop worrying about food and I was supposed to take three days and bless all my meals and ask them to nurture my body and all that stuff and see if I lost weight. I've been on a diet for a month now and I have only lost the initial weight that I gained in Delaware from eating too much peach cobbler, and then it kind of stalled out, so that experiment didn't work. Yet. I keep hoping.  I did, however, graciously bless and thank my mango tree and all of a sudden it started dropping mangoes for me every time I went outside. I'm not kidding. Every time I passed it, PLOP!, a mango would fall for me. I have so many mangoes that I actually sent some to a reader who lives in New York and she decided to reciprocate and send me a box of apples from her tree, so how totally, amazingly cool is that? Lots of abundance. Because of all that, and because my mango tree responded so well by giving me so many mangoes, I then had lots of mangoes to give as gifts, which was so fun because people love getting mangoes and I love seeing how happy they are. I'm putting that experiment on the WIN side.

So that's where I am now. My current experiment, starting today, has me journaling every single positive, beautiful thing that I find all weekend. That should be fun and that's right up my alley and strangely, what my new book is largely about, and you know me, I MAKE things happen. I don't just sit around and passively wait.

This morning, in the drive-thru at Starbucks, I paid for the people behind me again, because they looked sad and were in a shitty car. They had an expensive order too, dang Venti frappucinos, but hey, it feels so cool to do that for someone. You seriously have GOT to try it. Surprising people with free coffee is better than any drug. You will feel high with joy, which, I know, sounds so corny, but try it and you'll see. As I pulled out, I looked back and saw the women getting their free coffees and they looked so confused. Then they were next to me at the light. I was turning left and they were going right, so I looked over and you know what? They both had the biggest smiles on their faces and that made my day. I'm going to be happy all day because of this.

Let's spread the fun. I'm declaring today Give a Stranger a Treat Day, just for the hell of it. Do it and then report back here and tell me all about it.

Love and light and all that super positive, yoga shit, to you all. 

PS. I tried desperately to add these lovely photos and for some reason, my computer hates me and I cannot seem to rotate the photos! The files are right side up on my desktop but for some reason, blogger is turning them around. So, can someone explain to me how to turn them the correct way? And can the rest of you all just turn your heads to see them? This is why I hardly ever attach photos to my posts. It never works!! 

UPDATE! I have reposted the pictures over on my facebook author page, so if you want to see them better and right side up, head on over there and if you haven't "liked" my page yet, please do so, and feel free to leave a comment. As an extra bonus, people who "like" my facebook page are treated to excerpts from my upcoming, new book a few times a week! Plus, a bunch of other stuff that I find exciting and compelling.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Snakes and Ants, Just Another South Florida Morning

I just dropped Little Lawns off at school and came home to a mouthful of ants. Lovely. How does that happen, you ask? Well, Little Lawns left a half a piece of toast on the table and when I came back home that piece of toast was looking mighty delicious and I thought, hell, even if I'm on a diet, what's a half a piece of toast going to do? So I picked it up and took a bite and immediately I thought it tasted weird and that was about the second I noticed that the plate in my hand was swarming with ants. Hundreds of teeny tiny ants that had discovered the toast before I had and declared it a holiday. I spit it out and rinsed my mouth out in the kitchen sink, but I still feel my mouth crawling. I think I'm a little traumatized.

Not as traumatized as my sister. She had a snake in her house this morning. 

After dropping the little one off at preschool, I stopped by the grocery store, because I can now go to the grocery store alone, and after three years it feels like a god damned vacation every time I walk down an aisle without a toddler trying to launch herself out of the cart and onto a shelf of Count Chocula. While at the grocery store, I received a text from my sister. Here is a transcript of the conversation we then had via text message:

 * I have a real fucking snake in my house. Not the worm looking ones. A real fucking snake and I lost it trying to find something to catch it with. I'm moving and leaving all my shit here.

* Ok, I'm coming over to catch it for you. I'm not scared of snakes. I'm just leaving Publix right now.

So I got in the car and got stuck at the bridge and my sister was probably being strangled to death by the snake while I waited in traffic to come save her life from what I had, by now, imagined to be that thing from Harry Potter and my stupid ass was going to save her from it and be all heroic and shit. I clearly lied when I said I wasn't scared of snakes. I am very scared of snakes. What the hell was I thinking?? Well then I started to rain really hard and I had to bring my groceries inside in the pouring rain and by the time I got them put away it was raining harder and I decided that I didn't really want all that much to do with the snake anyway so I text her back:

*I'm sorry but I am not getting wet for a snake.

*That's what she said.

Cue the Beavis and Butthead laughter here.

Monday, September 09, 2013

Britt's Book!

I've been reading Britt Reints' blog for years. Seriously, forever. I think I discovered her old blog back when I was working at the country club and I quit there in '07. That long, people. I liked Britt because she was funny, honest and real and I've always enjoyed the way her writing was so polished and professional even if she was writing about a train wreck, which she certainly has done over the years. A couple years back, Britt and her family moved away from Orlando and traveled around in an RV for a while having adventures and finally, they settled in Pittsburgh and created a new life together which is focused on healing, gratitude, minimalism and spreading a message of optimism. Last month, Britt published her first book and I immediately bought it because I wanted to support her work, though it took me a little while to get to.

I'm going to be totally honest with you all, as I always am. I really didn't know what to expect. Her book  An Amateur's Guide to the Pursuit of Happiness is a self-help book that gives readers a concrete plan to work towards leading happier lives. I tend to like reading self-help books if they are good, but a lot of them aren't, so I was pleasantly surprised with this one when I finally picked it up and started reading.

Like me, Britt Reints is a woman who has learned a lot of lessons the hard way and she shares the resulting wisdom in her well organized, and of course, very polished and professional book. I think she did a fantastic job. The voice was sincere and engaging, often funny, and the advice sound and realistic. She uses several real life examples and anecdotes, both from her life and the lives of people she has met on her journey, to illustrate her points and I would say that these stories were probably my favorite part of the book. I also enjoyed the way that she referenced other books and blogs on the topics she discussed so that readers who are seeking more can check out those works as well.

So many parts of this book spoke directly to me and I can't tell you how many times I saw myself in the experiences Britt writes about. I don't want to spoil the book by outlining every single thing, but she makes some points about how we view marriage and how we view ourselves as responsible for other people's happiness that hit home so hard for me. Her views on helping people are nothing short of genius and totally changed my whole worldview. Not even kidding.While I was reading, I repeatedly found myself thinking, wow, this woman knows me. She understands me. She's been where I've been, and it occurred to me that I am not unique at all. These feelings and experiences that she and I had in common and which led to our unhappiness and pain at certain points in our lives are pretty much epidemic and Britt gives her readers literal "maps" towards getting out of our messes and onto the right path towards happiness.

I am enormously impressed with the wisdom and soul that Britt Reints brings to her writing. I loved her book and I really think you all will too. Bravo, Miss Britt and thank you.

* I'd like to make an important note that Britt Reints did not contact me to ask me for this review. She doesn't know me from Adam's house cat, and I didn't get a thing for this review. I pride myself on honest, real reviews on books that I actually purchased and genuinely enjoyed and want to recommend. This isn't some kind of a blogger circle jerk.*

Experiments 3 and 4, Final Results

Well, the weekend has passed and I have not manifested any new furniture for myself, and I've come to the conclusion that the best way to manifest shit is to go to IKEA and buy it, although my husband forbade me from setting foot anywhere near IKEA because of the ensuing nightmare that is putting stuff from IKEA together and I can hardly blame him. Yesterday my friend suggested that I look on Craig's List and I think I'll do that today and see if I can find that dang chester. The key table, I found at least 17 of at Home Goods and all were in my price range, so I just have to decide on one and go get it when I get around to it. It's not a major priority at the moment. Maybe I failed to manifest because I didn't want it enough, and that's fine.

Remember the other day when I said that the things I wanted weren't material? Yeah. I think that's the issue at hand here. I have enough material things. I tend to get lonely and bored sometimes and I want friends to have experiences with more than stuff to junk up my house. On the friend front, I did fantastic this weekend. My husband had to go to a funeral out of town, so I was stuck home and a little in the dumps and out of the blue, two, incredible new friend experiences manifested! On Saturday, two new friends who have daughter's the same age as Little Lawns, invited us to a big pool party, complete with a kid's DJ, people in costumes, games, kid's yoga on paddle boards in a pool dear God, and all sorts of other excitement. Little Lawns was in pure heaven over it and I got to hang out in a pool with two cool women. Everyone won. Afterwards, we went out to eat with our maniac children and continued the fun. Oh, and at the pool party, I was handed a gift card good for one free lemonade at Chick-fil-a. I guess the Universe decided that I'd be better off with lemonade instead of coffee? Whatever, I'm counting it.

Yesterday, another new friend, who I met at yoga and who just moved here, invited us over. She too has a little girl Little Lawns' age and turns out they live a block away from me. We were having such a good time playing, that when everyone got hungry, we decided to go out to eat. Now for months I've been fussing about wanting Indian food and I haven't eaten it in, literally, years, because it's not really my husband's favorite and I couldn't find anyone else to go with me. Turns out the new friend and her very cool husband LOVE Indian food and there's a Sunday night Indian buffet right down the street, which they took us to. It was fabulous and we had such a good time talking and enjoying our meal. Little Lawns, on the other hand, shares her father's distaste for Indian food and acted like a total maniac for some reason last night. Not fussy naughty, but more like she had had a few shots of espresso. I think she was just excited to be playing with her new friend or something. Lord though, my child has some energy. Wears me out.

I managed to sell a few books over the weekend and I received a lovely fan email this morning. That always makes me so happy. I love hearing from people who've read and liked my book. A lot of people are telling me how much they'd love to see Amateur Night made into a TV series and I say from y'all's mouths to God's ears. I think it would be a fantastic Netflix Original, or HBO show. I want Miranda Cosgrove to play me.

So that was my weekend. No new furniture magically appeared out of thin air, but I did manage to manifest the things I really desired: friends, good company, fun, Indian food, book sales and a free lemonade. I certainly can't complain about that. I'm thrilled as can be.

Oh, and we can stop with the green cars and yellow butterflies now. EVERYWHERE. I swear there had to have been a yellow butterfly mass hatching this weekend in my neighborhood and to prove the Universe's sense of humor, my neighbor just bought a neon green Jeep, which I now pass in his driveway several times a day. So yes, Universe, I get it with the yellow butterflies and green cars.

My fifth experiment starts when I can figure out what to do. I'm supposed to ask for guidance on a yes or no question, but the problem is I don't really need any guidance right now. I'm on the right path and no big decisions are forthcoming and I realized that most of the problems I worry about really aren't my problems to worry about, so I gave them up, which leaves me without anything that I need guidance about. That's a good problem to have. So when I can figure something out, I'll start the next experiment.
Thursday, September 05, 2013

A Chester for Me

Ok, so I read a few more chapters on my manifesting book last night (scroll down if you don't know what I'm talking about) and I have two more experiments, one of which involves taking apart two perfectly good clothes hangers and making dowsing rods out of them. Uh, I think I'm good on that one. I don't need to start dowsing or tearing up my hangers. I'll take the author's word for that one.

The next experiment tells you to manifest a material good out of thin air. You're supposed to think of a material, tangible thing that you want and tell the Universe you want it within 48 hours.

This was weirdly hard for me because I couldn't think of anything that I wanted, which I take to be a good thing. The things I seek to manifest aren't exactly material. I want to lose this ten pounds. I want to do harder stuff in yoga. I'd like happier relationships, good sleep, lots of friends and stuff like that. I really, really want to focus on manifesting a lot of sales of my book. I'd also like an agent or a publisher to discover me, read my book and sign me up for a massive book deal and send me off on a really nice book tour.

But I needed to come up with a material thing and I was having the hardest time. I'd like a pair of shiny black Hunter boots (size 7, Universe), but I'm not all that set on them. I have a couple clothing items I might like but I want to lose the weight first. So I was like, ehn, I'm pretty materially satisfied.

Then I remembered what I really wanted. A chest of drawers, aka a bureau depending on where you're from, for my bedroom. I don't have one and I have the perfect spot for one and it would solve a lot of organizational issues in my room and make it look even prettier in there.

Dear Universe, I would really, really like a chest of drawers for my bedroom. I would prefer espresso wood to match my other stuff, but I'm not dead set on that color if something else would match just as well. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Ok, now I guess I will sit back and wait for my chester (as we call it in my family) to arrive.

Maybe I'll ask around. A few months back I found a magnificent shabby chic night table in my neighbor's garbage, which I repurposed and turned into a coffee bar in my dining room and I love that damned thing. Every day I look at it with joy and gratitude. Maybe I should go down to the neighbors and ask them if they have any chester drawers they feel like throwing in the trash. Just kidding.

I could also use a key table for my front entry, so if you all know of anyone who might have a key table or a chest of drawers for me, please let me know. I'll take either. Oh yeah, and the black rain boots. Shoot, I'll take whatever I can manifest. I'm not picky. Last night my husband brought me home a fancy mango and I was tickled to death over it. I decided to count that as my unexpected gift, by the way.  And funniest thing...yesterday afternoon I swear to you, I must have seen 25 green cars in all sorts of wild shades. I think the Universe is totally playing with me over here.

Time starts now. Saturday afternoon I will be decorating my bedroom, hopefully.

PS. If you can't help me manifest some furniture, how about help me manifest some book sales! Amateur Night at the Bubblegum Kittikat by Victoria Fedden, available on Kindle, in paperback at Amazon, on Nook and iBooks too!
Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Spiders, Dieting and Manifestations

So this morning I'm driving after dropping Little Lawns off at preschool and all of a sudden a big, yellowish-brown, ugly assed spider comes walking across the dashboard, crawls up the windshield and stops right about at my eye level. I almost had a heart attack. It's a miracle I didn't cause a major accident. All I could think was that this spider was going to jump on me and I was going to freak out and flip the car. This didn't happen, thank the Lord, as the spider kept going and disappeared under the sun visor, which doesn't exactly make me happy, but it's better than it jumping on me. Although that could still happen next time I get in the car. Oh my God, maybe I should go trade the car in today. I can hear it now.

"Ma'am, why are you looking to trade in this vehicle?"

"Well, I've had it for eight years now and it still runs great but there's a spider in it, so it's going to have to go. In fact, you can have it for free. Just take the damned thing. Here!"

And then I toss the keys and run out of the dealership.

Second random thing...

I'm still detoxing, although I'm pretty sure there are no more toxins left in my body than can possibly be pooped, peed or sweated out. I have eaten kale and quinoa and cut out gluten and most dairy and all meat except fish and you know, I actually feel really good. I lost five pounds, though I can't really tell, and that took three weeks, which pissed me off because I thought I should have lost at least twenty-five by now. I like instant gratification. So I have ten more pounds to go by November 10th to get to my goal weight by the time I turn 40. I really hope I can do it.

Last weekend I got this book

E-Squared: Nine Do-It-Yourself Energy Experiments That Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality,
by Pam Grout. It was a $1.99 Kindle download and you are going to laugh hysterically if I tell you why I bought it and think I am crazy, but here it goes. So over the summer I had a psychic reading and a lot of the stuff the woman told me was true or came true like the next day, and one of the things she told me was that she sees me becoming an inspirational writer and being picked up by a publisher like Hay House one day. Now, I like Hay House books quite a bit. Love Wayne Dyer, all that New Age woo-woo stuff, so this book was a Hay House book and it was only two bucks, so I was like, ok, whatever. I'll check it out. I can use some help manifesting my greatest desires. Fine.

So the book contains several "experiments" you are supposed to do in order to prove that the law of attraction exists and that you can use it in your favor and bolster your faith in it which then makes it work even better, etc., and I decide to try the first two "experiments." The first one says to demand that the Universe grant you an unexpected gift or blessing within 48 hours, which actually seemed kind of bratty to me, but I did it anyway and then there were all these miraculous tales of people receiving special gifts. Well, Tuesday afternoon came around and while I had a very nice salad for lunch with my mom that day, I did not receive any unexpected gifts. Motherfucker, I thought. Nothing came in the mail, my husband didn't come home with flowers, my mom didn't find anything for me at Ross. Nada. Zip.

Then I was supposed to look for yellow butterflies and green cars and all of a sudden they were supposed to start appearing EVERYWHERE. Would you know I saw every color of god damned butterfly except yellow? And on a normal day, I'll see several green cars. I start looking for green cars and none. It's like green cars have been outlawed all of a sudden.

My experiments were failing.

Then there was this whole thing about starting small with the manifesting and asking the universe for a free cup of coffee. Again, lots of success stories in the book about people getting free cups of coffee and while I put myself in several situations wherein I could possibly receive a free cup of coffee, I kept paying for my daggoned coffee. So again, no manifestation happening.

I was kind of starting to feel discouraged, like maybe the Universe was on vacation or ignoring me or something, so I decided to teach it a lesson and turn the whole thing on its head.

Fine, Universe, I said. If you're not going to give me some yellow butterflies, green cars, free coffee and an unexpected gift then by golly, I'm going to see to it that some other people get some benefits of this whole manifestation business. I'm in control here, Universe and if you're not going to give me stuff, I'm going to give stuff to other people. So there.

I always wanted to do that thing where you pay for the coffee of the people behind you in the drive-through line anyway. Ha! Take that free coffee, Universe. Unexpected presents? I got that one too. Plenty of people in my life needed a little extra something or other, so I did a little, modest but meaningful shopping. Ta-da!

As for the yellow butterflies? I painted a yellow butterfly. Then I saw one in the yard, so I figured that counted. Green cars, I'm at a loss, but I can always do a google image search if I'm really that desperate to see some green cars, but I'm not, and actually, I think I saw a green truck at the end of my street, so I'll count that.

I'll start the next two experiments in the book this week and we will see how it goes. Wish me luck!

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