Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day!

So today is Mother's Day and I got thrown up all over and cleaned up some poop that ended up deposited near the swimming pool on the way to the potty, which was not made in time.

This morning I went to church with my mom for Mother's Day and my mom is very serious about her church attendance. I've never been with her before and she goes to an all black (except for her) church. I'm not even kidding, we were literally the only white people there, which I was afraid would be awkward but wasn't even slightly and can I just tell you something? White people have no clue how to do church. Black folk have got it down and I've been missing out all these years. I'm going to save this for its own post, but wow. After I left all I wanted to do was go back. I'm turning into Anne Lamott over here or something. I wish.

We need to talk about Baby Lawns. She is 2 1/2 and can talk as if she is 20 1/2 already, but she still has the mind of a 2 1/2 year old and this means that she says the craziest things. In honor of Mother's Day, I must share and ask for advice.

Baby Lawns thinks boys have tails. I can not convince her otherwise. She wants a tail too. It gets Freudian. She wants to know what happened to HER tail.

About a month ago she walked in on her father peeing and gasped.

"Daddy?" she asked, "You have a TAIL?"

Well naturally we about died and I almost broke a blood vessel trying not to laugh in front of her and then we had to explain to her about the differences between boys and girls and whatnot and she just wasn't having it at all but then she forgot about it until Friday. Little Lawns has a close friend who is a boy and we were playing Friday night and her friend, who we'll call A, got changed into his pajamas in front of her and she saw him naked and discovered that, oh my God, he too has a tail and now she will not stop talking about it at all. Boys with tails. A has a tail. Daddy has a tail. What in the name of God am I going to tell this child, who is a Scorpio by the way, so that means she's probably going to be particularly interested in "tails." I'm trying to just ignore it, although I find it hilarious.

Second thing she said, really doesn't bode well for my evolving yoga practice. I'm still plugging away at yoga. I still need yoga special ed, but the one thing about me, which my husband can attest to, is that I am relentless. I don't give up, especially if I've decided I have something to prove, and yoga is also kind of my mid-life crisis hobby too, so I keep at it, stretching my way toward enlightenment. Or something. Anyway, I want to do Crow Pose. It's some awful bunch of bullshit where you squat down and rest your knees on your bent elbows and stick your butt up in the air and pretty much levitate. It's ridiculous. I may never be able to do it but I got the brilliant idea that I might be able to do it in the pool on the step, so today I was at my parents' house playing in the pool with Baby Lawns attempting to do Crow on the step and Baby Lawns takes one look at my pathetic contortions and goes:

"Mommy? Are you trying to poop?"

Yeah, she's mine.

Happy Mother's Day y'all.

Almost have the book ready to go. Still working on the second book.     


Kirby said...

My son caught me coming out of the shower once when he was around 3 and he was VERY concerned "Mommy what happened to your penis?" LOL

jmm said...

I feel like that crow pose is just impossible. You do need to levitate!

Anonymous said...

Dear Victoria -- thanks for the Chaos Walking recommendation, I enjoyed it very much (you gave it to me on facebook, in response to my When She Woke recommendation to you -- also fyi I am no longer on facebook). I finally ran across something else that is good enough to recommend, I hope you enjoy 'Ass-Hat Magic Spider' by Scott Westerfeld as much as I did. It is the 1st story in 'The Starry Rift',a young adult science fiction anthology edited by Jonathan Strahan. My six year old son picked it out, he snagged it off the shelf in the library and told me it would be a good one (I was meh on the other 15 stories, ass-hat was amazing enough for them all). Maybe Millie can pick out your new book for you? Good luck w/your book and I look forward to reading all about your Amateur Night adventures, Janet from Chicago

JoeinVegas said...

Not sure she will believe anything you told her

Anonymous said...

Crow pose is my nemesis! Wish I could do it too.

Miss Kitty said...

Best Mother's Day post EVER, Wide Lawns. I [heart] you.

And happy belated Mama's Day. :-)

jenjellybeans said...

My daughter is 4, and is furious with me because she doesn't have a penis like her little brother. During nearly every bathtime you will hear, "Where's MY peanut??? Mommy, when I was in your tummy, I had a peanut, right?".

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