Thursday, January 24, 2013

Cleaning Up Barf With a Swiffer

Hi everyone, I haven't been blogging because I've been watching Catfish, my new insanity porn and I've been having too much fun at the park.

In all fairness, I don't just sit around and watch TV all day. Jeez, I wish. I have a lot going on right now. I got sick with a bad cold last week and then Baby Lawns got even sicker and I spent several days cleaning up things that no one should ever have to clean up. Apparently there is some virus going around that makes children cough so hard that they throw up. It's a lot of fun, let me tell you. Vomit, phlegm and snot. That was my week.

You know that show Dirty Jobs? They're always showing people who clean up gross shit for a living (often literally). Mike Rowe, forget the slaughterhouses, farms, morgues and sewers. All you have to do is visit the parent of a sick toddler because there's no dirtier job. At one point last week my child threw up in four different places in the living room at the same time. It was worse than a frat party and she kept yelling "MOMMY, I throwed up!!!" like I couldn't see that. This is coming from a person who has spent her entire life so vomit-phobic that she never even got drunk. 

Once, many years ago I attempted to work as a nanny and on my first day of work the kid threw up on the kitchen floor and I about died. Having no intentions of cleaning it up, I covered it with newspaper, all the while shielding my eyes so as not to have to look at it. Then I put the kid in the kitchen sink and stripped him down, still shielding my eyes, and hosed him off with the dish sprayer. I kinda got fired from that job. I mean, I understand. You don't really want someone looking after your kid who takes her cues on childcare from "Big Daddy." I think the mom thought I was nuts when I told her I didn't do puke.

They say it's different when it's your own kid and maybe it is or maybe you don't have a choice so you suck it up and do what you have to do to get the barf out of your carpet. I don't know, but the past 27 months have served as a sort of immersion therapy for me. My kid is a puker. Everything makes her gag and she knows it freaks me out so sometimes I swear she does it on purpose. Two summers ago when we were on a road trip and she was 10 months old, she threw up a shocking amount of pureed sweet potatoes all over me in a rental car and I ended up having to complete the drive naked and wrapped in a beach towel. I'll be telling her that story often throughout her life as well as the one where I had to pee in a diaper when we got stuck on the freeway in LA during rush hour (if you haven't read that story yet, please do).

So yeah, that was my week, but we're all better now.

Next week I'm going to Delaware for an extended period of time. I don't know how long but I'll be visiting Mommom again and we all love Mommom stories. Damn her crotchety ass, and bless her heart. Look, I'm going to be straight with you. I've been having a rough time lately. I have a lot of shit going on that is beyond my control and I want to get away and be in a simpler place and one day I will write an extraordinary, moving, heart wrenching yet hilarious memoir and I will laugh about it from the magnificent farm house my gigantic advance buys, so it will have all been worth it. But you know, sometimes I'd just like to tell the damned Universe "Hey, look, I have enough memoir material for at least ten books already. Cut me some slack already. How about giving me some material for a really lush, travel and food book or something instead?" Man, I wish my job were to go to Paris and eat and get free clothes and to write about that. Instead, the Universe says that Vic, you gotta go through the bullshit and you've got to find the beauty and the meaning and the funny in it, even when you're learning that you can't clean up barf with a Swiffer, and you have to do this so that other people can benefit and learn and laugh with you. And when I believe that, like truly believe it, it makes it easier to get through and it gives me strength.

But seriously, don't try to clean up vomit with a Swiffer. 

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Love the beachtowel drive while naked. Hilarious and I totally get you.

Kim Proctor-Day said...

Reminds me of the time one kid threw up which triggered a chain reaction and the other two did, one at a time, then their Dad...boy was that a fun day lol Have a fantastic restful trip, getting away is always good for perspective :)

JoeinVegas said...

Don't worry, in a dozen years with her you will be on to so many different worries that you'll dream of vomit days.

mcgrimus said...

Sucks having problems, thinking What next?, then your kid spews forth a pukestorm. Hope brighter, cleaner times are ahead for you soon. Delaware is freezing right now, but temps look like they're rebounding a little next week.

Kerry said...

Have a good time in Delaware!

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