Sunday, November 25, 2012

If I Seem A Little Strange...

The great physicists may have discovered gravity, the theory of relativity and that whole thing about an object in motion, but they've left out one of the most reliable laws of the universe.

If you go out looking like shit you will see someone you know.

And the degree to which you look like shit will determine how much you don't want to see the person you're about to run into.

For example, if you run into Walgreens with your greasy hair wound up in a pony tail holder, messy bun catastrophe and an underground zit on your nose that you've been trying in vain to pop all day until you look like you're about to guide a sleigh through fog, you WILL see your ex-boyfriend and his gorgeous, skinny and probably Brazilian new wife and you WILL be holding a box of super-absorbency tampons. 

I hate seeing people I know in public. Even if I adore you, I will still be uncomfortable seeing you in the grocery store. I can't tell you how many times I have avoided people that I genuinely like because I don't want to make small talk on a street corner. There are two reasons for this. One is that I don't like being caught off guard and two is that I am socially inept so I need a lot of mental preparation before conversing or I will probably say or do something awkward and inappropriate. And I guess three is that I probably look like shit.

Case in point, last week I got bored and went to the mall for God knows what reason, and I kid you not, I must have seen pretty much everyone that I know there. You cannot imagine how bad I looked. No makeup, dirty hair, muffin top jeans, crappy tee shirt. I looked like I should have been working on a car engine, but no, there I was, shopping. Naturally, everyone that I saw looked fabulous and had combed their hair before they left the house. I bet everyone who saw me thought the same thing.

Thank God she's shopping. Maybe she'll get some new clothes and while she's at it, how about a stop at the MAC counter for a makeover. Lord have mercy.

My poor sister has one of the worst seeing your ex out in public stories of all time.

She ran into the guy she lost her virginity to, who is now grown up, hot and successful, at a restaurant. She was two months post partum, and well, that's about all I need to say. She was nursing in public, then the baby began to scream and I mean SCREAM, because it knew of course that her ex had just walked in, because babies are evil like that. Then the baby shit and spit up and at that time the ex decided to come over and talk to my poor sister, whose boob was practically lying in her pasta bowl and of course she hadn't lost the baby weight or had time to touch up her roots and forget trying to put makeup on. There was nothing nice about this situation and what made it worse was that the ex was there with his new wife who was stunning and 85 pounds and had a mane of hair that looked like something out of a Pantene commercial and you could just hear her thinking "Wow, he took HER virginity? He must have felt sorry for her."

The worst is unexpectedly running into someone with whom you've had sex or been intimate.

All I wanted was a god damned burrito, but right when I walked in the door who do I see but the Toe Sucker. The Toe Sucker was this guy I briefly dated forever ago, but whom I can never forget, for obvious reasons. I didn't have sex with him, but we did hook up, as they say, a few times and although he was kind of nice, we just weren't a good match (I don't like to suck toes). But there he was hovering open mouthed over a steak burrito as if it were a freshly pedicured foot and he too was there with his new lover, who was definitely prettier than me (aren't they always?) and all I could think about was that he was probably going to go home and lick her to her ankles so before he could even say hello, which he was about to, I suddenly lost my appetite, turned and walked right out.

People probably think I'm unfriendly. I'm not. I just can't handle chatting in Publix with people who've seen me naked and there's nothing worse than standing there with the new wife glaring at you when you can't get stop thinking "I've fucked your husband." Unless you hate her and then it's a little fun. Not that this has happened to me. Ahem. I can just imagine it.

I was even a little unnerved at seeing my doctor in yoga class last week, although it was somewhat of a comfort in case I happened to drop dead, which is a likely scenario and it was also a little comforting knowing that your doctor can bust out a bad ass hand stand. But still. This man has held my uterus. He's had more of his hand up my vagina than my husband. I don't want him judging my downward facing dog, ya know?

Once I ran into a guy who had truly, deeply done me wrong. Led me on with lies, promised to call, never did, gave me the run around after seducing me when I was really innocent. He was on his way to his wedding rehearsal. He was having it at the country club where I worked, because this is me and this is what happens to me. So alarmed was I, that I took my lunch break and went and bought a new shirt. I don't even think he recognized me when he saw me but at least he wasn't all like, oh look I'm getting married and there goes some girl in a shirt she spilled coffee all over this morning.

And if you happen to run into an ex in, say, I don't know, Target, when you look like total hell you can swiftly hide in the makeup department and try on a few samples to spiff yourself up. I'm not, of course, saying that this has actually happened to me, again. I'm just saying that maybe if it did happen, maybe you could do that. Even though they kind of discourage you from opening up the makeup in the Target cosmetics department. 

"IT'S AN EMERGENCY! MY EX IS HERE WITH HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND!" I said. I mean, I WOULD say were I ever in that unfortunate situation. I like to think they'd understand because haven't we all been there? No? We haven't? It's just me?

So if you see me out and I flee, please know it's not because I don't like you, but probably because I like you a lot, or I once liked you very much or maybe even once I loved you. It is because I want you to like me and if you saw me or talked to me, maybe deep down I fear you wouldn't.


Vic said...

Love this. I also abhor small talk in all of its various incarnations.

Gina said...

A few years ago, I was sick and decided to run into the store for some medicine. I looked like absolute shit, so OF COURSE I saw my ex walking towards me. So I decided to look like I was seriously considering the products on the shelves and pretend like I didn't see him as he passed by. It worked like a charm. Except for the part where I wasn't paying ANY attention to the actual products on the shelves in front of me. So when he walked by and I pretended to be so very interested in my shopping that I didn't notice him, I didn't realize that I was diligently researching LUBE.

Amy Bickers said...

Excellent post! I hate running into people I know. I don't even know why. I'm a social person. I can make small talk. Hell, I've spent 16 years interviewing people for a living. But when I spot someone I know in public, my first instinct is to duck under a table.

michelle said...

Love, Love, Love how spot on you are!! On a positive note, I ran into an ex last week and I looked HOT!! Yes, it's true, it can happen. Last time I saw him was two months post baby and all that other stuff. I did NOT look hot. So, I was rather glad for the do-over. Of course I was eating lunch with my husband two tables over from where he was trying to work on his laptop. Awkward!! But hey, I'll take what I can get.

Unknown said...

I tell a lot of people that I have a sister who lives locally. She's close to my age but doesn't have proper hygiene, so if you see someone who looks like me, that's my sis. said...

BAH! 101% true!

I work retail at night, so I don't bother getting dressed up until about 5:00 PM.

I look like crap the rest of the time. So much so that I've had people meet me in the store and have conversations with me for five minutes before realizing it was me.

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