Tuesday, August 07, 2012

What I'm Up To

While I'm taking a break from writing great literature, I'm going back to blogging, my first love, but I feel like I owe everyone a big "this is what I'm doing" post. Except I'm not doing much, so it will be both short and dull.

Right this instant, I'm waiting for Chinese. I'm also waiting for my child to go to bed and this happens every night. Every single night I come up with a grand set of plans of all the amazing things I will do and accomplish once she goes to sleep and every single night once she goes to sleep, I yawn and sigh and decide I need to go to bed too. Tonight will probably end up the same way. I am the most boring human being alive.

1. So every summer I go through agony over my hair. Short/ long? I never like it. No matter the length, I always want the opposite. Here is my post from last year on this very topic. This year I've solved the problem. I'm growing it all out for Locks of Love. The end. My hair is long. I look like I'm going to come out of your TV and kill you again, but it's for a good cause and my goal is to figure out how to get it up into a purposely messy, french looking kind of a bun. You know the type. You've seen it on fashion blogs written by girls who apparently live in the Anthropologie catalog and who can wear clothes which absolutely do not, under any circumstances, match and still have hundred of readers comment about how adorable they look. I'm very jealous. I know you all would tell me if I didn't match. But my hair. My hair is ridiculous. It mostly fell out when I had Baby Lawns, but then wow, it grew back like three times thicker. I have the hair of several people on my head right now, I'm convinced. So I'm donating it and there's that. End of hair agony.

2. Last weekend we had some excitement when a drunken Irish man decided to beat the hell out of a drunken woman directly across the street from our house. My husband and I were in bed and we heard it and looked out to see a man with a long, grey pony tail stomping on a woman in the grass. My husband took his paddle (from his SUP) and ran outside to save the woman and the man started cussing up a storm (that's how I knew he was Irish) but he did stop beating the woman. We called 911, the police took an eternity to come. The man could have killed seven women in the time it took the police to get here and a half an hour later the police came to our house and told us the couple was wasted and everything was fine. So I guess it's perfectly legal to beat up a woman as long as you're both drunk?

3. Also last week a woman came to the park wearing a skin tight, black, spandex mini skirt that was so short that it really didn't cover her rear end at all. She wore this with a weird, drapy, silky top and a pair of maroon suede, platform, stiletto booties. Louboutins or Louboutin knock-offs. To the park. With her child. She looked like a strung out, Russian hooker and the whole time she texted.

4. Several times I have seen a former stripper, that I used to work with at the Kittikat, at the park with her child. She still looks like a stripper, but I don't know if she's still working. She doesn't recognize or remember me, so I haven't talked to her but I want to say "HEY! You're in my book!!" Because she is. And now she has a kid that she takes to the park. I can only hope, for her sake, that his daddy is rich and very old.

5. I've been doing pretty well with yoga still, which is some kind of a record for me as I'm not great with commitment and consistency. I go about three times a week, but my goal is to keep that up for a while and then move up to four times. I'm going to two different places and one of them is Hatha yoga, which isn't hot and goes more slowly. I still go to the hot place though because I find I kind of like it and because I now babysit there once a week in exchange for free classes, which is a sweet deal. The people watching remains unprecedented.

There is this older woman who is full of silicone who likes to come in late and she always brings a book, which she opens up next to her mat. She then proceeds to do her own thing without following the rest of the class! Once the teacher asked her to follow along, because she's really disruptive and she stormed out and told off the receptionist.

Another woman I call Psycho Heater Woman. She is about 82 pounds and all sinew. There isn't a gram of fat on this woman and she looks like someone formed her out of twine. Her skin is brown and hard like a tanned hide and she gets her name because every class she drags the space heater, which is large and powerful, directly in front of her mat and turns it up as high as it will go. I don't know how she doesn't get burned and I'm like, look woman, it's 104 degrees already. Is that not hot enough for you? Jeez. I think she may do it because she thinks she burns more calories. I suspect she has a disorder because I heard someone else talking about how they always see her running in the noonday sun and how she runs many miles a day in addition to her psycho heater yoga.

In one of my classes there is a loud, flamboyant tranny who does Iron Mans. I can't figure out if he/she is male to female or female to male, so I don't know which pronoun to use, but this person is what people call a hoot and I love when he or she is in class except the one day he or she told me I was messing up the energy by moving my mat before class.

Inevitably I always get stuck beside of one of two types - the crazy old lady or the inversion maniac. The crazy old ladies like to discuss their multiple health problems with me and the inversion maniacs are big show-offs who turn every single pose in class into some sort of head stand. I can barely do downward facing dog, so I find these kinds of people intimidating and annoying and worse, there's another woman who likes to set up beside me who sings the entire time. Drives me insane. I just want to reach over and knock her out of her standing bow and be like: "Look, I get that you know the word to every John Mayer/ Florence and the Machine song, but you are seriously blocking my Qi, so shut the hell up. This is yoga, not chorus."

6. I'm taking Baby Lawns up to Delaware with me on the 18th for two weeks for summer vacation. Husband can't go this year because of work and because he got called for federal jury duty for two weeks, so I'm flying alone with an almost two year old. God help me. I'm excited though. Terrified, but excited.

7. I've been researching literary agents and I've discovered an unexpected side effect. On the agency websites, I've found quite a few really good books. Summer reading post soon to follow. I have not yet found a literary agent. If anyone knows one, send them my way.

8. Other than that, meh. The summer is almost over! Where did it go? My child is almost two? I'm going to be in a nursing home soon. Life is passing so quickly. I just remembered that it's been a full eleven years this week since I quit working at the Bubblegum Kittikat and hopped a plane to Jamaica. I think you need to hear about me in Jamaica and the nekkid beach. Next post, I promise.


Yasmine said...

This whole post made me laugh! I love all your people-watching, and everything that's going on with your life. (Especially if there's Chinese food involved.)

Re. the Psycho Heater Woman: since she has zero body-fat, maybeee she's COLD! I know I'D be freezing my ass (and every other body part) off if I had zero body-fat!

Delainie said...


Also, I know how to do one of those messy buns with only 3 hairties and it stays all day! I'm going to attempt to tell you in words, bear with me, lol.

Take the top half of your hair, like you were just pulling it half back, and put it in a ponytail. As you pull the hair thru the band the last time, only pull it half way so you have a sort of bun on the bottom, and the ends on top. Tuck the ends under the hairtie. Do the same thing with the bottom half of your hair, so you have one bun-thing under the other bun-thing. Use the third elastic around both buns (this is key to making it stay up all day for me!). Then dig your fingers into the buns you just made and tug a little to mess it up. I don't use any pins or hairspray! Takes a little practice, but sooo low maintenance when you're done!
Good luck :)

Harry/Sally said...

Delurking to endorse the messy-bun technique above; I thought I invented this actually; I guess not, but I do know it works on my impossible hair, which sounds exactly like yours. Also: cutting your hair AT ALL when it's hot is ALWAYS a mistake. It took me until damn near senior-hood to learn this!

Anonymous said...

Having 1. just realized what state Millpond is in and 2. having just come back from meeting ALL of Bf's family in like woah redneck New Hampshire/Maine, I think I understand the level of culture shock now. And I'm from Kentucky, FFS! I find there are subtle but distinct differences between redneckery of the North and South. Have you noticed that?

Miss Kitty said...

Thanks for the update, WL! I met a couple of wonderful agents last year at a writers' conference I helped put on; each gave me great advice about my (still-in-progress) novel. Give me a shout, and I'll pass on their contact details.

I should probably put up a "what's going on" post on E&P...but unfortunately, I cannot brain today. I have the dumb. [sigh]

Anonymous said...

I love yoga. Only thing is the breach of yoga ethics.
1. People who come late and insist on unfurling their mat and stomping around even though the instructor asks them to just sit and wait unitl the opening meditation is done.
2. People who bring mats that are not yoga mats and slip and slide all over making squeaky noises. Then get offended if the yoga instructor offers them a sticky mat.
3. The worst. People who insist on walking with their street shoes all over the studio. Why? Our faces will be down there on that floor. Do they not notice? Or do they not care?

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