Tuesday, April 24, 2012


Today I need motivation for writing my memoir. I'm almost done but often I get overwhelmed by the size of the manuscript and the task of having to revise it and query agents and all that. It's scary. I would like success without having to put forth any effort, but trying to be a writer requires a lot more than trying to win the lottery does.

I am motivated by the fact that there is a girl I despised in grad school who could get published sooner than me and who was mentioned in the book of a famous author I can no longer stand, because ew, how could he have not seen what a pretentious, condescending ass she was? I mean, for real. I must be more successful than this girl or I might die and also she has little talent and I'm saying that because I don't like her.

I am motivated by the success of many popular bloggers who have gotten book deals but who wouldn't have made it past a single workshop in my MFA program with anything they've written.

I am motivated by the terrible fact that if Fifty Shades of Grey can be published then surely, for the love of God, there is hope for my little book. Seriously people, my book explains in detail the procedure for dying one's pubic hair and transforming one's crotch into a veritable topiary. Who wouldn't want to read that?

I just need to finish the GD thing already. I need to get to the end, which I've actually already written. I need to get to the scene where I imagine saying to my grandmother that "Mommom, there are women who can pick up champagne bottles with their tooties." I need to write about how I was almost killed by a serial killer, kind of and how in classic Three's Company style, I had to hide my job from my visiting grandparents. Then I'll be done.

Anybody know a good agent so I don't have to send out a million queries only to be harshly rejected?

Ok people, motivate me. Give me an ass kicking so I can maintain my momentum.


S. Kim Milk said...

I must read about the colorful pubes!

Anonymous said...

Move your sweet ass or I will befriend your enemies and promote them. And you know that I get shit done as long as it is for someone other than myself. I will do it even though I dislike the person I'm pretty sure you're describing and that other girl that assuredly does not have a certain quality of plucky boldness. And send me the latest which you said you would do but you have not. Or else. Now you're scared. And motivated.


Melanie said...

I want to buy your book to give as Christmas gifts to all my women friends, because I already know they're going to love it. Think about it -- Christmas isn't all that many months away when you consider all you still need to do..... So get busy! Consider your ass kicked! (In the nicest possible way, of course!)

Christian Marie said...

Dear future Published Fiction Author,

You will finish the project because you must. Think of all your other accomplishments to date and the work you did to get there. Give yourself a serious deadline and publish it all over social media to hold yourself accountable.

I can share that when I was completing my Masters, I kept myself motivated by tracking all the courses I needed in excel and the associated dates. This worked until I was almost finished. The only thing left was to finish my 50 page thesis....it was agony writing that thing. I kept procrastinating. What finally motivated me was my Pro Sem leader telling me that I could put off graduation until the following December. After a grueling 16 months of hard work to graduate, I could not bear the thought of a six month delay! No way. I finished it ;-). And you will too. Because you will then have to write the next one.

skip 2 colorado said...

Just imagine what all those creepy status-y moms from the park will text about you behind your back once your pic shows up on a dust jacket. Satisfying on a whole new level...no?

One Mean MFA said...

Just imagine her being interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today show saying the annoying and stupid crap she would say in workshop. Or worse, talking to Jon Stewart as if they are friends. Vomit. She really is quite awful.

One Mean MFA said...

Just imagine her being interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today show saying the annoying and stupid crap she would say in workshop. Or worse, talking to Jon Stewart as if they are friends. Vomit. She really is quite awful.

ElectricDaisy said...

You can do it! Just think of all your faithful readers that cannot wait to read your memoir! I've been reading since 2008 and I'm so excited that you're going to publish a book! Get on it, girl!!

Sarah said...

You need to publish your memoir because I can't wait to read it! Good luck!

greyspasm said...

I wouldn't rush things. If you've gotten the rough draft finished, put it aside for a month, then get back to it with fresh eyes. You're going to think this is being lazy, but you can write other things in the meantime, or maybe do some research regarding an agent. Then, when it's time to get back to it, you'll be a little more objective about the writing and maybe see problems you didn't see before, or solutions to problems you did see earlier. This would be the time to be ruthless about what to cut and what to keep.

Caelaeno said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Caelaeno said...

Please please please finish the book! I have been reading for years, and I cannot wait to hold your art in my hands!

It will be over soon!
Keep going!
You can do it!

Anonymous said...

Hmm... I was going to tell you to get down to it, but greyspasm may have the right idea. I will tell you I've been reading your blog since 2007 and have always been sure that if you wrote a book it would be a big hit! And now I also want to read about the topiary pubes.

Anonymous said...

Dear widelawns,
I agree with greyspasm that you might benefit from putting it away for a month while you write something for a breather.

I do have one worry: how will I be able to buy your book if I only know you as widelawns? Will there be a big reveal at some point where you tell us your real name. In case there isn't can you email me and let me know who you are so I buy your book? jmp2112 at columbia dot edu. I hsve been reading your block since 2008, so I'm not just some fly by night stalker.


Anonymous said...

I am so curious who you are talking about. I probably do definitely know her.


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