Sunday, August 14, 2011

Back to Civilization

It feels weird being back on a computer. For the past week, I've been in my extremely rural hometown where the cell phone service is so weak that I couldn't even talk to my husband, who was working in New York. I had no Internet access whatsoever, because my grandmother has no computer and certainly no wireless and apparently, neither do her neighbors. I suppose I could manage without a computer for a week, but the phone? It was torture. I was so aggravated. Plus, everywhere I went, it smelled like some kind of farm animal's poop.

I'll be home in one week. Right now I'm back in New Jersey. This is where we started out. We flew into Atlantic City on the horrendous Spirit Airlines and stayed at our friends' shore house for a day before heading south to Millpond where my husband dropped me off and then went back north to New York for work. I know, it's confusing.

So the baby on the flight was not as bad as I'd anticipated. It wasn't great, but it was completely fine. For the first half of the flight, she was fidgety so my husband walked her around and then she fell asleep for the rest. She saved her screaming for the hour car ride back to the house. That was deeply unpleasant, but over soon enough.

That flight though. I hate Spirit Airlines and I know I'm not alone in this. They just nickel and dime you to death and they've jammed so many seats on the plane to try to maximize profits that you get zero room whatsoever. It's like sitting in the back of a Porsche. And by Porsche I don't mean a new one. I mean some old ass Porsche that's at least 20 years old and hasn't been taken care of so it doesn't even count as a luxury car anymore. That's Spirit. Spirit is so ghetto I think they have rims on the landing gear. I'm pretty sure I saw one of those crown air fresheners in the cockpit too. The absolute highlight of our flight was that right in front of us two black ladies got into a fight. It was great. One of the women was right in front of me and the other one was up a row and across the aisle. The woman in front of me saw that the one across the aisle was messing with her cell phone when all electronic devices were supposed to be turned off and she went crazy hollering and freaking out because she thought it was going to crash the plane. The woman with the phone kept telling the woman in front of me that her phone was on airplane mode but the woman in front of me called the flight attendants on her. I thought it was going to come to blows. She was all "Turn that shit off! They said turn it off! TURN IT OFF!!!" and the other one was all like "It's on AIRPLANE MODE!!" and the other one said "If you don't turn that shit off I'm about to throw you off this airplane mode!"  The flight attendants managed to settle them down before it came to blows.

The next day we spent outside of Seaside Heights where I was pleasantly surprised. I think "Jersey Shore" gave me the wrong impression. There's some of that element, yes, but there's also a lot of pretty houses and nice normal people here too. It's actually very pretty and our friends' house is right on the water and ducks come right up to the dock to be fed. The highlight of my day was crabbing, which I haven't done since I was a kid and which I just love. I didn't eat any of the crabs though. I just caught them for fun and threw them back.

Last Saturday we went to Millpond to stay with my grandmother and it was there that I began having serious technology withdrawals. I spent my week visiting relatives and my husband came back down from New York and got me and brought me back to the digital age again.

Right now I'm in New Jersey (did I already say that?). This week is my husband's vacation week and tomorrow we're going up to Rhode Island to visit relatives. I've never been there so I'm pretty excited about that. We were supposed to go today but we're having torrential rain and we figured we'd rather avoid floods combined with outgoing beach traffic, which is sure to be a nightmare. Add to that a car seat averse child and it just wouldn't end well. So we're making tacos and then getting ice cream.

One thing New Jersey has in its favor is Hershey's Ice Cream. Wow. I guess it's a regional thing, but oh my God. They have a flavor that is chocolate chip oatmeal cookies (my favorite cookie on earth) mixed into vanilla. Words can't describe. I'm not kidding. I may die if I don't get more of it before my trip ends next week.

What New Jersey does not have in its favor is beach traffic. For some reason you can't make left turns here and everything is one way and it frustrates me to no end. I really don't approve of the driving situation in this state. Last Saturday on the way to Millpond we got stuck in a horrific jam behind cars and cars full of Guidos on their way to the shore. You should have seen the fools hanging out of their cars. I saw one shirtless idiot at a rest area making all kinds of body building poses at himself in the reflection of his car door. I kid you not. I guess in honor of it all I should go see the "Jersey Shore" house, since it's right down the street and all. I'm a little ashamed of my interest in seeing such a thing. The people watching here, when the weather is nice, is pretty priceless. Last week I saw a Snook-alike walking down the road in an impossible pair of coochie cutters. She was squawking into her cell phone apparently at someone with whom she'd just broken up. The person on the other end was mad at her for breaking up with him and she was mad at him for being mad at her. Or that's what I surmised between all the sobbing and cussing at least. This morning the entire fire department showed up at the neighbor's house and they went in with an axe. We still haven't figured out what it was all about, but the next door neighbor is an HOA nazi type who gets mad if the stones in his driveway get out of order and God forbid, spill out into the street. 

Last night I got so scared on the way in. We took Route 70, which is some awful, forsaken country road with no lights that winds through the pine barrens. I just knew that any second the Jersey Devil was going to fly out of the woods and carry us off, rental car and all. It didn't but it may as well have. We were chased by some 'roid raging jackass who tailgated us for several miles with his brights on. He had been in front of us, but actually pulled over so he could get behind us to do this. What would possess someone to do this? I was terrified. The baby slept through it all and when we arrived at eleven she was ready to go out and party and refused to go to sleep although her parents were so tired that they were in a zombie-like state.

Ok, my dinner is ready. It's good to be back Internet people. Very good. Next I'll share my deeply mortifying, unbelievably embarrassing vacation experience. It was so bad I almost wanted to sneak out of the house and fly home alone where I'd never have to face my hosts again.


Anonymous said...

You big tease!
Lil Skraps

Suffer Kate said...

Yay! Welcome back!

Mrs. Qball said...

Miss you bunches

Sinclair said...

It must have been so nice to introduce baby lawns to her relatives. Enjoy your vacation

JDogg said...

I know you have a full schedule - let me know when you head back through NYC from Rhode Island.

Mamie said...

AWESOMENESS!!! I can't wait for the next installment in your excellent adventures! :)

Anonymous said...

I love Spirit airline because I always book business class for the extra leg room. Those seats are the only thing that kept me sane when I flying back-and-forth to Chicago when my mom was sick. Maybe you should try to upgrade for the ride home. As far as I can tell, all airlines pack economy class seats in like sardines in a can, although some cabins are nicer than others.


Anonymous said...

Awesome! Missed your stories!


Dawn said...

We were at the Jersey shore last week. One of my favorite places! I grew up going to Ventnor (right next to Atlantic City) and am quite familiar with the local "culture." Nothing else quite like it!

wagthedad said...

I love it when people fight on airplanes. It's so entertaining.

My wife was once on a plane from Bangkok to London where a woman in her mid-fifties got drunk and started harassing other passengers by constantly talking and giggling while everyone was trying to sleep.

Eventually a flight attendant arrived. "Ma'am, here are your sleeping pills."

"But I didn't order any sleeping pills."

"No. But you are going to take them."

Anonymous said...

I love your description of the Guidos. Classic.


Miss Kitty said...

Welcome back to the wired world, WL. Glad to hear the flight wasn't too bad with Baby Lawns. But brawling passengers? "Jee-zus GAWD!" as my grandmother would've said. Where the hell do people get the idea it's okay to start a fight in a place like an airplane at takeoff?!? I've known a few flight attendants over the years; don't worry, Pissed-Off Lady in Row 19, they've got an eye on that woman with her cell phone still on. Sheesh. Just because people fight like trailer trash on Jersey Whores doesn't mean you're supposed to do that IRL. Oh, wait...

faded said...

The Jersey Devil? I have not heard that name in 40 years. I figured every one forgot about the thing that lived in the Pine Barrens and ate people.

greyspasm said...

Got caught in a horrible rainstorm Sunday morning on rte. 70 on the way from the shore. I think the Jersey Devil blew past my car....

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