Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Don't Drink, Don't Smoke

What do you do then, as the song says.


I cuss like a trucker on speed with no sleep for two days who has three flat tires after a long haul and is stuck in a snow storm in West Virginia miles from a decent truck stop.

And a lot of the time that is kind of what I feel like.

A while back I decided to stop cussing and I did ok, but then I got mired in pregnancy when there was so little pleasure and so much discomfort and the discomfort only grew once the baby was born, because as much as one can complain about pregnancy, at least there is sleep before the baby arrives. My baby, by the way, still does not sleep, which means neither do I and which also means that I am beginning to see the appeal of meth.

My sister felt the same way. Remember we were pregnant together and now have little babies, although she got the sleeping one. Still, there's much to cuss about.

It's like cussing is all I've got to get me through, you know? Some people can have a cocktail to wind down, a cigarette. Some people get high. I've never done anything. I've always been such a good girl. Did you know I've never even been drunk, not even once? I've never even tried a cigarette, and ok, yeah I've smoked pot a few times, but it makes me paranoid, hungry and tired and I am all those things already so the last thing I need is something to make me even more that way. When you have a baby you can't indulge in many vices. Remember how I even gave up chocolate, my one innocent addiction for Lent? Luckily chocolate and I have been reunited, but still, a glass of chocolate milk before bed each night doesn't feel particularly satisfying when one craves naughtiness. 

You know what they say about those good girls, wink wink. Yeah please. I don't even have that anymore. There's no illicit sex with random hot guys for me. Ok, not like there ever really was that, but hell, I can't even have sex with my own husband now that we have a baby exhausting every last energy reserve. So what do I have?

Bad words. Lots of them. I say them and I write them.

But I need to stop. Baby Lawns will begin mimicking words in a couple of months and at this rate her first word will be "asshat" or perhaps if we're lucky "ass clown." The other day something came on TV that asked kids to come up with a word that rhymed with sock. If Baby Lawns could talk, given her mommy, the answer she'd have come up with, well...let's just leave it at that I know a word that definitely rhymes with sock and I've possibly used it around her a few times, especially in connection with a word that rhymes with tucker.

My sister and I were talking about our need to stop cussing because we don't want our babies calling one another terrible names. They'll get in a fight over a toy and one will say: "Mommy, cousin is a trifling whore!" I don't want to see two innocent babes playing and all of a sudden hear one of them say "Bitch Imma cut you!!" I can't let that happen.

So here it goes people. I'm stopping cussing again. I'm really going to do it this time, though I don't know if I'll have the strength being that I just have nothing else. What vice can I take up to assure I don't become too wholesome, because at this point cussing is the only thing keeping me from fitting in exceptionally well in a Utah home schooling group. Well, cussing and my refusal to wear printed jumpers and holiday attire.

Let me go rip open a bag of M&Ms.


Antonia said...

My parents were really good about not swearing in front of us, but still did with grownup company, now that the kids are all grown we all swear together, like family bonding. I always wondered how they could remember to switch it off, I think it would be hard. But maybe you could try that, you and your sister could have cursing time outs together.

Head Ant said...

It is so hard to switch the language off sometimes. Yes, the kids will repeat it, especially the innocent looking little girls. And you will try so hard not to laugh.

Robin said...

I cuss like no ones business, but I also drink and smoke too so there's no help from me here. Sorry.

I knew better than to cuss as a kid, lest I get a spanking from one of my parents.

Sarah said...

I get most of my swearing out of the way in the car - excellent venting time when there are numerous bad drivers around. You'd probably have baby in the car with you though so that doesn't work..

Maybe try hitting something? Invest in a punching bag!

Carole said...

My mom used to yell shoot and fiddle faddle.

I still remember her having a very bad day and trying to make rolls that didn't turn out. She had a temper tantrum (very rare for her), and I heard language I wouldn't expect from a sailor! She threw a few things, cussed up a storm and even my dad was afraid!

It all turned out OK and I only cuss at bad drivers while in my car.

Good luck. Maybe try a swear jar. You can save some money for baby lawns and see visible evidence as you improve each day.

greyspasm said...

Instead of using real cuss words, why not use the "words" in the word verification test: "Aw flinth!? "Sarnit!" (these actually came up just now, I kid you not).

As for a new vice, I'm not sure you can just start one up out of the blue, like a hobby. But have you tried gambling? Not sure it'll help with the swearing, though.

Sunny said...

I cuss like the daughter of a sailor and the wife of a guy that grew up in the 'hood that I am. Raising two active boys and shuttling them up and down the east coast for surf competitions with a few of their friends in tow I did find an occasional, well timed f-bomb kept them in line. Baby Lawns probably won't need that though. Can't help you.

Michelle said...

My precious little 18 month old didn't say any words beyond dada, mama and ball until one day we were in line at the drive thru of the bank. It was taking forever and ever and I declared "this is such bullshit". My precious little guy over and over "bullshit, bullshit, bullshit". Yeah. Proud mommy.

silver said...

I'm surprised you can't come up with somethng better to say than using the actual cuss word.
My mom used to say cuss words were for those who had no original thoughts. If we ever used one, my mother, after we calmed down, would make us come up with sentences expressing our frustration substituting better words.
As a writer, you should be able to come up with some good venting words that aren't officially cuss words.

Miss Kitty said...

I too am trying to stop (okay, reduce) my cursing, but it's a losing battle. My whole family curses like you've seen over the years at E&P.

My sister's more prissy friends will sometimes ask her, "What does your mom think about your swearing like a sailor?" And Sis replies, "Who do you think I learned it from?" :-)

Word verification: uhretr.
As in, "This bladder infection is killing me! Feels like my uhretr is on fire."

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