Thursday, April 21, 2011

The One Thing I Can Never Forgive My Husband For

We all have those certain things for which we resent our spouses, right? Mine is big and I've decided to share it with you all today. I can forgive my husband for many things: his Costco obsession, stacking a bunch of crap in our doorway so no one can get in or out without potential neck and ankle breaking, never wearing sunscreen and refusing to go to the doctor, thus harboring an easily curable sinus infection since 2007. But there's one thing I can't get over.

My husband destroyed my friendship with Gwyneth Paltrow.

Let me explain.  For years now, I've entertained a delusion that if only we could meet that Gwyneth Paltrow and I would be best friends. I'm not sure where this came from but I think it started when she was dating Ben Affleck. Her style, her choice in film, the names she picked for her kids (I am the ONLY person who loves the name Apple), her icy perfection and all the things she tells other people to write for her on her website - all of those things just scream that we would so be best friends. I have often imagined the two of us eating a bland, macrobiotic lunch of fermented mung beans before going to a cupping session which would be followed up by a chat about Qabbalah over a cup of kombucha.

I love Gwyneth Paltrow. I love how she is so tasteful and understated in the way that only the extraordinarily wealthy, beautiful and perfect can be. I love how I can get the exact same haircut as her, which I have done twice now dammit, and while on me it looks flat, frumpy and Amish, on her it looks cutting edge, flattering and enviable. I couldn't figure out why this was happening. I mean, I have stick straight, parted down the middle hair too! I realized though that I was in denial. The reason it doesn't look the same on me is because I do not have Gwyneth Paltrow's bone structure, stylist, make up artist, lighting or Photoshop editor. If I had all those things my hair would look that good too. Also I am not lit from within and without like a deity. Because movie stars aren't human. Gwyneth Paltrow's hair looks good because she doesn't poop. Or eat (except fermented mung beans or things made by Mario Batali and then only on film and only in exotic destinations). Or drive. Or run over her own trash cans every time she tries to back out of her driveway. 

But alas, after all this I still believe we'd be friends.

One day I mentioned this to my husband.

"I know if she and I met that we'd be best friends," I said.

And as nonchalantly as if I had asked if he took out he recycling yet, my husband said:

"Oh yeah she was nice I think. You'd probably like her."

"What do you mean she was nice you think? How would you know?"

"I knew the Paltrows," he said, still nonchalantly.


Then I calmed down, breathed into a paper bag and when I had regained composure I asked how.

"I was friends with Jake, Gwyneth's brother. We went to tennis camp. Blythe used to drive us."


Yes, my husband played tennis with Jake Paltrow. They were friends. "Blythe" used to drive them places. Can you imagine and he withheld this vital information from me for years because he didn't think anything of it. He and Jake, as young teens, used to go pick up girls together and make out with them.

"I had some vague idea that the parents were famous but they weren't involved in anything interesting to kids, so I didn't think anything of it," he says.

Then he had the nerve to say that they were normal people, just like everyone else. Please. I know better than that. 

"I must know everything about Gwyneth!!"

And my husband had nothing at all to report because she was Jake's older sister and not at all famous or interesting or married to Chris Martin yet and thus not memorable at all. She was just like anyone else's older sister apparently. Except I don't believe that either because as I stated before Gwyneth Paltrow is not human.

My husband lost touch with Jake. I asked him to look for him on facebook, but no such luck and it would seem sycophantic to try to contact him now obviously, no matter how much I wanted Baby Lawns to play with Moses and by play I mean grow up and marry him.

But if my husband had kept in touch with Jake Paltrow, I know with utter certainty that he would have introduced me to his sister and that we would be best friends right now, so how can I forgive that? I would also like to add that if Gwyneth and I were best friends that I would have calmly taken her aside and explained to her that it was very important that she stop singing immediately and go back to making films in which she can showcase her excellent British accent.

Additionally, Gwyneth is not a natural blonde. She is actually a freckled redhead. Gwyneth Paltrow is a closeted ginger. But I would still be her best friend because I love red hair. That is all.

Tomorrow's post - why my husband can't forgive me from keeping him away from Malcolm Gladwell.


Anonymous said...

Your blog no longer works in Chrome. Just an FYI.

DiaryofWhy said...

Oh my god, I love Gwyneth Paltrow too! And if I knew you and you knew Gwyneth Paltrow we would all be best friends together, I just know it!! Oh, to bask in that radiant Gwyneth light...

I am still at a loss to explain that travel show in Spain she did with Mario Batali, though. I love travel shows, I love shows about food, I love Gwyneth (as I may have mentioned), so how did that show turn out to be the worst piece of garbage ever recorded? I literally couldn't watch it.

Head Ant said...

I'm not having a problem in Chrome.

Arwen said...

I use Chrome and have no problems.

Anonymous said...

Six degrees....I went to summer camp with her. It gets better: That first summer, guess who was my bunkmate? Rachel Uchitel! Small world....

Stephani said...

I'm using Chrome, too.

LOVE the new look!

booda baby said...

Things I agree with:

1. Apple's a great name.
2. Gwyneth's wonderful in every way.

Things I disagree with:

1. Gwyneth's not human.

She's like any great actor or artist or musician. Which makes her SUPER great.

2. Gwyneth should stop singing.

I think she's a fine singer and a better performer (which trumps the singing bit.)

Here's an alternative plan. Do what you need to do so someday Gwyneth will want to be best friends with you. Yah. I like that plan.

Jen said...

That is hilarious. I have one of those things that I can't forgive my husband for. However, mine turned down living in France. Without even asking me. Because he knew I'd say yes.

Anonymous said...

My brother was good friends with Ronnie Hammond (of the Atlanta Rhythm Section). Ronnie Hammond has been my absolute favorite singer for literally decades. The poor guy recently passed away and my brother was very broken up about it. It was only *then* that he told me of this long-standing friendship. I was torn between consoling him and wanting to murder him on the spot.

To him Ronnie was a humble, gentle soul that he enjoyed talking to and hanging with. He never once thought of the 'fame' thing and neither did Ronnie, apparently.

I still feel like throttling my brother. YOUR SISTER MIGHT HAVE *LIKED* TO KNOW ABOUT THIS, BUDDY BOY.



Laurie said...

Men. (sigh)

My kind of brush with Gwyneth: When I was working at Lord & Taylor in NY, Blythe came in and bought Clinique lipstick. She signed her AMEX receipt "Mrs. Bruce Paltrow." I made a copy and saved it. :)

Pickyknitter said...

Thank you for changing the posting so we can read the whole thing! Love it!!!

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