Friday, December 31, 2010

Last Night in Google Searches

Baby has a cold.

Relieve congestion in babies.

Get sick baby to sleep.

Late night TV listings.

When is Jon Stewart back from vacation?

When is Conan back from vacation?

How to nurse congested baby.

Baby will not sleep unless held.

Dangers of sleep deprivation.

Co-sleeping dangers.

Avoid dangers of co-sleeping.

Strange bubbling sound in ear.

Ear infection symptoms.

Bubbling sound in ear.

Tickling in ear.

Ant crawled in ear?

How to remove insect from ear

Dangers of insect in ear.

Help there's an ant stuck in my ear.

Ft. Lauderdale emergency 24 hour clinics.

Why are there no 24 hour emergency clinics?

Insect in ear dead.

Dangers of dead insect in ear.

Soothe crying baby.

Ant infestation

Ant species South Florida

Crazy ants images

Crazy ant infestation

How to kill crazy ants

Do some people attract chaos?

Ant poison toxic to babies?

Ft. Lauderdale exterminators

Cat bleeding out of butt.

Constipated cats

Time of sunrise December 30th, 2010 eastern time

Ft. Lauderdale anxiety disorder specialist.
Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! May you all receive miracles like we have.

On December 15th, my sister's baby was born and she had a few complications and was in the NICU for ten days. It was a really hard time for her and we all prayed the baby would come home for Christmas and guess what! She came home yesterday afternoon and all is well! That was the best Christmas gift we could have ever received.

So now we're going to go celebrate and enjoy some of the piles of cookies I baked yesterday!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Birth Story - Part 2

So there I was just having had an epidural and starting to enjoy 80% less pain when the nurse came in and said it was C-section time. I thought everything was fine, so I was taken off guard and I asked her what was wrong. She showed me a print out from a machine and said she saw it, was a little concerned and called my doctor, but for me not to worry about it.

"Don't worry. It's going to be ok. We're going to fix it," she said.

Fix it. I'll never forget her saying that. Fix what? What was broken?

At that moment a girl who looked like Jill Scott, except with a totally shaved head, came in and an episode ensued which even I, in the moment, found awkwardly hilarious.

Bald Jill Scott was there to, umm, shave me. Now throughout my last part of pregnancy I had become increasingly self conscious about my inability to, well, groom my bikini area effectively. It's hard when you can't see and when you have a huge, cumbersome belly! I had done my best and decided that the doctors and nurses must be used to pregnant women who can't shave, so who cared right? Ugghh. No. No. Bald Jill Scott would fix it though.

When Bald Jill Scott arrived with her clippers I immediately began apologizing for my state of affairs.

"I tried to use the clippers at home, but I couldn't get a good angle because I couldn't see and I thought I might cut something and lord knows I wasn't going to ask my husband because he might clip something important, so I just thought it would be ok to let it go a little and jeez, this is so mortifying. I'm so sorry. You know, when I'm not pregnant I keep it a lot nicer, I swear, I really do. I didn't mean to come in here all looking like 1976, I promise."

There is no dignity in childbirth.  When Bald Jill Scott finished, the other nurse said she went crazy with the clippers and made me look like a plucked chicken. I almost died right there. But then I started cracking up because it seemed like Bald Jill Scott really took her job seriously. I mean, look at her own head! This girl was out of control with the clippers. Luckily we all had a great sense of humor.

Next Bald Jill Scott made me drink something about the size of a shot and she warned me it tasted nasty, but it smelled good so I didn't believe her. It was to neutralize stomach acid. It truly tasted nasty - like lemon and ass. I took forever to drink it and the nurses got impatient and said I had to hurry because we needed to get this baby out. That scared me so I tried to shoot it.

Did I mention that I had no idea where my husband was?

He left during the epidural and I guess they found him in the hall and whisked him away to get dressed and cleaned for surgery, but I didn't know that.

At this point, I was overcome with sheer terror. I have never had an operation save for some mole removals. I had never even really been in the hospital before. 

They wheeled my bed down the hall and into the OR and I just didn't like the looks of that room. It was really not a warm, cozy kind of place and I caught a glimpse of some instruments which freaked me out. SCISSORS?? Oh God. By that time I was shaking uncontrollably and it was just like all of a sudden people were everywhere around me and there was my husband, but they were yelling at him not to look and putting up this big blue tarp thing in front of me and then they were strapping down my arms, which really scared the hell out of me and my doctor was there looking very, gravely serious.

My doctor had been the source of much amusement throughout my pregnancy, what with his new agey ideas and all. Sometimes he seemed kind of goofy and flaky to me, though always kind. In the OR he was a totally different man and I realized this was why one of the top surgeons in South Florida had used my doctor to deliver his own children. My doctor had what Cesar Milan (yes the Dog Whisperer) calls calm assertiveness. This demeanor made me feel a little more assured, but honestly, everyone was in such a hurry and they all looked so serious that I was still freaked out.

A second anesthesiologist came in and he was very young, very gay and very adorable and Hispanic. He started doing something behind me and asking me questions when suddenly I became so delirious that I couldn't hear anything and was very confused. He began tapping me on the forehead.

Then I felt the cutting and panicked, but I couldn't move.

"I feel it!! I feel it!!" I kept shouting.

"I'll give you more -" I heard him say.

But the doctor didn't stop and I still felt it.

"It will stop soon, don't worry but we have to get the baby out," the anesthesiologist said and then he just sat behind me and held my hand why my husband held my other hand and I screamed.

I remember hearing myself scream and I remember the anesthesiologist trying to calm me down. My husband says he tried to play me some Bob Marley on his phone but I couldn't hear it.

The feeling was of being ripped apart and stepped on by an elephant all at once. I couldn't breathe and I just screamed. Then I just kind of gave up. A nurse told me they were getting the baby out and it was almost over and another nurse said to give me morphine.

Then my original nurse, who had alerted my doctor in the first place, sighed.

"Oh. God."

You don't want to hear that during surgery and certainly not during the delivery of your baby.

To be continued...

*** As I write, my sister is in the hospital in labor!!! Baby Cousin will be here soon!!***

Birth Story - Part 1

Many people asked for Baby Lawns' birth story and I will oblige, but I also know this turns off a lot of readers too. So let's compromise - if you don't like this stuff, don't read from here on and then I'll write you a non-baby related story and then things will balance out and all will be well in the world. How's that?

So the day before Baby Lawns was born I was all waxing New Agey about incarnating souls and whatnot and psyching myself up because I was scared shitless about giving birth in any fashion. But I reminded myself that I always dream up all kinds of crap to be scared of and nothing has ever been as bad as I had imagined it was going to be.  Until now.

One of my favorite bloggers at Blue Lotus just had a baby too, in Japan no less and I loved reading her take on birth in that country and culture. She wrote her birth story and her story shares many of the same emotions as mine. I hope she reads this. She too had no idea what she was really in for and boy did we both learn.

Now I don't mean to scare anyone here, but I must be honest and I just feel like there's so much people hide and don't tell about birth and the Internet is just rife with birth stories where babies slip through their mothers' vaginas followed by glitter and rainbows and there's no guttural moaning, sheer terror or mentions of just how bad it really hurts. Can I explain to to you how bad it hurts? There are no words for it and it's more than pain. There's nausea, diarrhea, humiliation of all kinds, impatient nurses, a lot of needles, weird machines and in my case, a lot of drugs and wow, the blood.

Childbirth is ugly.


It is so bad that I could dedicate my life to exposing its horrors to idealistic teenagers in order to scare them out of procreating. I might even be able to scare people out of ever having children. I should go work for Planned Parenthood. For real. And I think I am the only woman to ever have a child and find that pregnancy made me even more passionately Pro-Choice than I ever was, but that could be its own post.

I am sad about my birth experience. I didn't think I had that in me. Remember when I said I just wanted her out fast and safe? Well, I got exactly what I wished for, only with a lot of trauma and pain and I missed all the rainbows and glitter and I was surprised at how sad it made me.


As you might recall, Baby Lawns was not making preparations to be born. She had not "dropped" as they say. Nothing was happening and my doctor decided that I should be induced on my due date of October 26th. We went to the hospital, checked in, got a room and a nurse came and hooked me up to all kinds of monitors, jammed an iv into my left wrist (ow) and then rammed a tablet of Cytotech into my hooha and informed me that I couldn't pee for at least 2 hours. This sent me into total panic because at 9 months pregnant all I did was pee. The next 2 hours I lie in bed with Husband asleep in a recliner next to me, and thought of nothing except peeing until about fifteen minutes later when I began to have pains that felt like really bad period cramps. Oh, that's nothing I thought. That is not what labor feels like, is it? But fifteen minutes more later, I realized that it did.

All night long I lie in bed in agony. Sheer agony. The nurse came periodically to tell me how surprised she was that I immediately went into real labor with strong contractions a minute apart. She said she couldn't give me any Pitocin or any more Cytotech because my contractions were so strong already. The problem was that I wasn't dilating at all. All night long and no dilation. She offered me pain medicine and I declined. I was going to do this. I was determined. I was going to make it through this naturally. I suffered and hobbled to the bathroom about seventeen times to pee while attached to all sorts of cords and an IV on wheels. 


By sun-up I had violent diarrhea. I was extremely nauseated and determined not to throw up. The pain was constant. I couldn't determine any moment of relief between contractions and since I had been fasting so long, I was weak and delirious with the pain.

Here is what it feels like - you know when you get a bad, bad charley horse in the arch of your foot or in your calf and your whole body contorts with pain and you can't even breathe, but it's ok because charley horses only last a few seconds? Imagine that charley horse in your entire body, ten times worse and without any relief and that is what labor feels like. It is unbearable. I have never felt anything like it.


After 12 hours a new nurse came. It was ten in the morning and I was sobbing in the fetal position in bed. The new nurse, Sue, gave me Pitocin in my IV and I truly lost my mind from the pain that that caused. I kept thinking the pain couldn't get worse and it kept getting worse. My husband got panicky because he didn't want to see me suffer. Sue checked and there was bad news. I still hadn't dilated at all. I had to be at least 3 centimeters to get an epidural and get some relief from the pain. But I was barely 1 centimeter! I had an anxiety attack and in the middle I felt something inside me go pop and I mentioned this to my husband. A minute later ridiculous amounts of hot water gushed out of me and I cried more because I felt so embarrassed of this. I'm not sure why, but I felt really ashamed. Right at that moment my doctor arrived and was pleased that my water had broke and perplexed that there was no dilation. In his infinite kindness and in keeping with his promise to not let me suffer, he allowed me to have an epidural. I call it an epidural light because it didn't numb me completely and because I could still move somewhat and feel the contractions. I just wasn't as bothered by them as I had been before and I was more in my right mind.

Here's the thing though. An epidural is no simple, painless fix either. It's scary too and it hurts and you have a needle in your spine for God's sakes. It's not something to take lightly and putting it in was not a pleasant experience except that the anesthesiologist who came was the kindest man. I was instantly in love with him and he had the most compassionate bedside manner I've ever experienced.

I had about ten minutes of relief before Sue the nurse came back in and said she knew when my baby was going to be born. She showed me some print out from the machine that I didn't understand and told me that I needed a C-section immediately.

I had another panic attack. In the midst of my panic attack all sorts of people descended upon me to prep me for surgery as quickly as possible and there was a sense of urgency about them all that scared me even more. 

To be continued...(when the baby lets me put her down.)
Friday, December 03, 2010

Alive!

Baby Lawns is 5 weeks old! I'm alive. She's alive. I had a perfect storm of things to cause me not to write. The in-laws have been here for 2 1/2 weeks, we had Thanksgiving, I lost my lap top cord (found it obviously), and well, I have a newborn who needs constant nursing. It's been a lot, but we're all great and I'm getting used to the whole mothering thing. My sister is still pregnant, but should give birth at any moment. I'll keep you posted. I'm just checking in here for a second, as I'm pretending that I'm ordering PF Changs online. Don't want the in-laws, who are holding the baby, to think I'm slacking on my mommy duties. Just wanted to let you know I'm still here, still working on the birth story and that the baby is happy, healthy and cute. I should be back soon once my guests are home. I miss you guys and hope you're all well.

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