Monday, October 11, 2010

A South Florida Pick Up Line

This meme is depressing, so I figured you all deserved something a little lighter, a little more South Florida stupid.

As you may or may not remember, there is a gigantic mansion across the street from my parents' house which was built on an empty lot a few years ago and has never been inhabited. The house has never sold and sits vacant to this day as a monumental waste of money and space. I often wonder if anyone will ever live in this house and it seems so sad and without purpose.

The builder comes by periodically to check on it. For a while he was letting some kind of shady seeming multi-level marketing group use the house for seminars designed to lure new associates, but that seems to have ended, thank heavens. Husband and I chatted with the builder the other day and it turns out the house does have a purpose after all.

It helps skeezy guys get laid by hot women. The house serves as a sort of architectural pick-up line.

In South Florida, as long as a man appears to be wealthy, he can pretty much have his pick of hot, slutty women. Note I did not say IS wealthy. I just said appears wealthy. One way to easily appear wealthy is to rent a very expensive car for the weekend and drive it around pretending that it's yours. This is a very easy way to pick up women down here and there are several companies that rent out luxury cars to people who want to pretend they have a lot of money in order to attract women who are out of their league. My friend used to work for one of these companies.

Once you get the car you can easily find a woman who wants to go for a ride in it, but you still need to secure the deal. You do this by pretending that you are in the market for a waterfront mansion, so all you have to do is drive your rented fancy car to an open house and spend a very long time obsessing over light fixtures and amenities that can be added to the fancy house. This will make the girl you picked up think you're serious about buying the house and will cause her to begin to fantasize living in it with you, which will guarantee that she will have sex with you almost immediately after leaving the fancy house. In fact, since this is South Florida, it will pretty much guarantee that she will want to have sex with you IN the fancy house right in front of the realtor showing it. 

The house's builder said that he doesn't even want to show the house anymore because in this economy he knows no one's really serious and he's sick of having his time wasted by these idiots with no money who just want to impress girls. He said every weekend it's like a parade of them coming through and most of them are old guys (likely married even) and very young girls. I've seen them myself. Not a one has even tried to put in an offer once they leave, but all of them act like they're going to buy the house in cash right on the spot. 

It's hilariously pathetic and it's just another example of life in South Florida.


Anonymous said...

Lord, the meme is kicking my butt. Glad to read about sleazy South Floridians. I tried to imagine whether I would be impressed by a fancy sports car and a mansion tour and was disappointed that the answer is no. This is why my little sister has a Lexus and a McMansion and I have a rental apartment and a bus pass.

FreeDragon said...

I heard on the radio that after the housing market collaspe, Realtors estimated there was a FIFTEEN YEAR inventory of multi-million dollar houses. In other words, except a sleezy parade of nasty old men until your daughter is old enough to start high school.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

OK this is just sad to me. I'm now sad for all these bimbo Florida women who are willing to have sex with guys because they drive a sports car and might have a mansion. Can we have a telethon for these ladies, please?

Melina said...

I've heard of Realtors asking for a $5,000 deposit (cleared by the bank) before they will show an expensive/popular to look at house.

Amber@Nater Tot said...

This is equal parts hilarious and disgusting! I found you through becomingsarah - and so glad I did. I'm your newest follower and can't wait to read more from you :)

Amber@Nater Tot said...

Hey, it's me again. I gave you an award :)

mcgrimus said...

I'll never understand how some people can lower themselves just for the opportunity to have more stuff, and to show it off. Then again, I totally get why the sleazy old guys would want to pretend they're rich and bang hot chicks. That being said, I still pity the hot chicks.

A while back I'd heard about a dating service that matches millionaires with young women. Very sad.

JoeinVegas said...

If the inventory will be around for that long, you better educate your daughter in that scam. Unless she really does find a rich guy.

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