Monday, October 25, 2010

Last Day of Pregnancy

Today is my last day of pregnancy. By sometime tomorrow Baby Lawns will be here and hopefully I will neither look like I sat on a grenade nor was gored by a bull. You know I have an overactive imagination and am a hypochondriac, so several terrifying thoughts have gone through my head regarding childbirth's horrors. It can't be that bad or people just wouldn't keep doing it is what I tell myself.

I am going to the hospital to be induced tonight at 7:30. Hopefully there will be something good on TV because I've been warned this could take hours. Or not. Let's hope not because I'm not in the mood to suffer for hours with anything and I'd like to get the baby out so we can put her pumpkin hat on her and coo over her and start enjoying getting to know her.

Pregnancy has been long and yet, it went by fast at the same time. I guess things always seem fast when you look back, but I also feel like I've been pregnant forever. Surprisingly, it hasn't been all bad. Before I got pregnant I imagined pregnancy to be terrible. There were certainly moments of terrible in the beginning, but after the puking ended there was nothing else that I couldn't deal with or that caused me major suffering. These past few weeks, even though my feet and legs are swollen, I can't roll over in bed without feeling like my hips are coming unhinged and I'm exhausted and out of breath all the time, haven't even been that particularly bad. I'll be glad to feel empty certainly, but I could handle this a little longer if I need to. As many of my fears about actual pregnancy were unfounded, I'm hoping my fears regarding birth will be too.

I feel a lot like I did five years ago when I went into the hospital, into a very scary cancer treatment center no less (way scarier place than a maternity ward) to have my final mega-dose of radiation. Incidentally, there was an article in the New York Times yesterday all about out-patient radiation treatments for thyroid patients exactly like what I had and it describes my experience to a tee. I was so radioactive that I couldn't be around other people, yet they wouldn't admit me to the hospital. You can read the article here if you are interested.

That was a very scary time in my life. I was petrified going to the hospital because I knew in advance I was in for a good week or so of suffering and suffering in isolation. I knew I was going to be sick. I knew it would suck and I knew nothing about the experience would be pleasant. I also knew there was no avoiding it and that I had to face it and get it over with and I did it. And was I right about how bad it was? Well, sort of. It wasn't the most fun and I didn't feel my best, but it wasn't as bad as having a week of the flu and I think it may have been psychologically more difficult than physically. I also spent a lot of the time doped up on phenergan so that I wouldn't barf up radioactive materials and that stuff makes me sleep, which helped too. There was also the sense of what if it doesn't work? What if the radiation damages other tissues (it did, but ended up being no big deal)? What if I die of this stuff eventually? What if I never get better? There were a lot of negative emotions associated with the radiation and especially with having to go to the cancer center several times a week. It freaked me out being there. There were so many sad and hopeless cases. Every day I saw people weeping. Each time I went, I felt so guilty for looking so healthy and being so, well, not sick when the other people there looked like wraiths. Honestly, it was a really depressing time in my life and I think that's why I've never written about it until now. I think maybe I have a slight, lingering PTSD about hospitals and medical procedures because of it and that could be contributing to my childbirth anxiety.

But childbirth isn't like freaking tumor irradiation and Labor and Delivery isn't like Oncology. It's a happier place for the most part where there are lots more tears of joy than grief. Yes, the pain is unavoidable no matter which method brings baby into the world, but I have to keep telling myself that this is not a pain associated with illness or injury. I've been conditioned to believe pain means something is very wrong and that being in pain has to mean I'm in danger. That's just not the case when it comes to baby having. I need to remain conscious of the fact that this pain is part of a healthy, natural process and is not a sign to panic, but to celebrate and draw on my inner strength. And unlike with my thyroid, I won't have to suffer alone feeling like I could harm others. I can be surrounded by loved ones this time. In the end I don't get a knot of dead cells in my neck and a lifetime of medication. I get a sweet little soul to care for and help on her path as she discovers the world and her purpose in life.

I guess it's a sacrifice women make. We get through it because we know the reward is greater than the pain and there is almost always pain associated with real rewards. I mean, look at going to school, or building a house or completing a really hard fitness program. I know people who train for marathons and that is grueling, but the reward is so big for them and they all have enviable physiques from it, so it's worth it.

I am helping a spirit incarnate. She chose me to take care of her and to help her grow the body to house her soul and she wouldn't have done that if she didn't think I was up to the task that she needed me to be. I know I sound kind of out there, but you know how I am. My husband and I just believe very strongly that this baby is not our possession. She belongs to herself and we don't feel that we even created her. We feel honored that she came into our lives and I think for her, I can manage the pain and fear of getting her here. It will all be worth it and it will be over by tomorrow. Then I can have ice cream.

Obviously, I'll be taking a little time off here. I don't know how long I'll be in the hospital or what will happen. I have some posts in draft form that I prepared in advance. I'm not taking my laptop to the hospital, but I'll have my phone. I can check email, Twitter and moderate comments from it. I promise I will let you know all about Baby's arrival as soon as I can. Several people have already requested her birth story, so that should be forthcoming as well, though I don't know how long it will take. 


For my last few hours home, I'm going to relax, take a shower and prepare myself mentally. Wish us luck!

47 comments:

floridagirl said...

You'll do fine! Women have been giving birth since the beginning of time- it really is the miracle of birth.
Best to you and your family at this wonderful time in your lives.

Arabella said...

All the very best to the three of you.

katri said...

Good luck, Lawns! I'll be thinking of you and MiniLawns.

Laurie said...

Don't worry, you'll do great. You're not a pioneer giving birth in a field, and everyone around you will know exactly what is happening and going to happen every step of the way. Dr's are good, but nurses are awesome, and they will take amazing care of you both. The good will definitely outweigh the bad - you'll see. (Just wait until you smell her head - it will all be worth it!) Best of luck and lots of love to all three of you as you celebrate this most special time in your lives. ♥♥♥

Jenny J. said...

Good luck to all of you, especially you and the baby! I don't think I ever been this happy for someone I don't know in person! Safe travels and birth!

DiaryofWhy said...

Good luck! And I know you never do pictures on here, but oh, I do hope you post some pictures.

Yankee said...

Good Luck!

Anonymous said...

We are all pulling for you and Baby Lawns.

By the way, soon enough you'll find that the real significance of what now appears to be the overwhelming event of your life is that it was the starting point of your relationship with your baby.

Last baby advice for now. As crazy as it's going to seem as you deal with the ongoing chaos that is a baby, you need to fully experience every minute of your baby's maturation. Because it goes all too fast and as much as you love the growing kid you have now, you'll miss the sweet little one you had yesterday. As my best friend told me shortly after my son was born, "The days are long, but the years are short."

Kirsty said...

You'll be fine, and the pain is worth it. When you first lay eyes on this sweet little soul and watch her open her eyes to meet you then the pain will disappear. Oh, and the newborn baby smell! Even thinking about it is enough to make me feel all gooey inside. It is better than anything you've ever smelled before... better than an ocean breeze, fresh baked bread, newly mown grass and slicing into an icy cold orange.

Enjoy meeting your precious little one. :)

EricaM said...

Oh, Good Luck WL! I've never given birth, but I've watched births when I was in nursing school and oh My God. Some women are just meant to have babies.. maybe you will be one of them! Either way, I think you sound prepared to have a good experience so once again, good luck.

MtnMama said...

Good luck! Best Wishes! So excited for you; can't wait to hear all about it!

Emily said...

Very good wishes for you! You are going to be such a terrific mom, Baby Lawns was absolutely right to choose you!

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

I am so excited for you. Parenthood is one of the greatest things about being alive. You're gonna love it.

Kate said...

Good luck and happy thoughts! What you wrote about helping her incarnate really resonated with me, actually. I don't have kids yet but that's what I'll feel about them. I know you'll be busy but I hope you still keep posting, at least somewhat... I've been reading your blog for years now and it's still my favorite.

Brighton said...

Good luck! I know you will come out just fine : )

Anonymous said...

Wow, I haven't read in a while! Congrats!

You'll be fine. And enjoy your little one!

Rachel said...

Good luck! I've been reading your blog for a long time, back when you were telling stories of crazy rich people, and I think you're going to make a great mother. I hope that she is healthy and beautiful and maybe you'll post a picture? (I know you're very private so I won't demand one, but I looooove babies and I'm sure everybody else does).

Handy Man, Crafty Woman said...

Good luck!! You'll be ok. Yes, it hurts, but it will be OVER with soon and you'll have a sweet baby Lawns. :-)

Heather said...

It will all be worth it, and then some. Blessings to you all, xoxo

SkippyMom said...

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

onthegomom said...

Congratulations and best wishes to all of you.

catherine said...

Goodluck, I will be thinking of you all night.I'm sure everything will go smooth.

MamaD4 said...

Good luck Mama Lawns! What an exciting moment. I have been through it three times and I can tell you that you (mostly) forget any pain the moment you look that beautiful being in the eye for the first time. I'm sure a million people have told you to enjoy these early days because they are fleeting, but I will be 1,000,001 because it's so true. Try hard to just relax and notice the minutiae.

We'll be looking forward to THE STORY!~

MamaD4 said...

Good luck Mama Lawns! What an exciting moment. I have been through it three times and I can tell you that you (mostly) forget any pain the moment you look that beautiful being in the eye for the first time. I'm sure a million people have told you to enjoy these early days because they are fleeting, but I will be 1,000,001 because it's so true. Try hard to just relax and notice the minutiae.

We'll be looking forward to THE STORY!~

FreshHell said...

Best of luck and congrats! By now, hopefully you have delivered and are enjoying the fruits of your labor (pun intended).

Maria de los Angeles said...

Hello there old friend! Wishing you all the best. I'm so happy for your blessing. You've come very far!

Johnny Virgil said...

good luck!

Nicole said...

I'm sure you'll do amazing. I've never had any children but I hear it's an experience unlike any other.

I know you're a pretty private person but pics of her in the pumpkin hat would be awesome. Everyone loves a cute baby!

Laura said...

So excited for you! I've been reading you a long time. You are going to be a great mom. Blessings on you, your husband and Baby Lawns!

Jala Pfaff said...

Wishing you the greatest, healthist, and most joyful birthing experience ever.

Joy said...

Good luck! White light all around you three. Blessings too.

Jean_Phx said...

I'm sure that it will be a wonderful experience for you and your husband - love every moment! Welcome Baby Lawns!!

JDogg said...

Congratulations!!!

kerry said...

I don't think it sounds at all weird to say that Baby Lawns chose you and your hubby to incarnate.

Good luck and I hope your delivery is smooth and quick!

Bill said...

Mazel tov! But let me aso say that your first few paragraphs are hilarious! Good stuff!

Anonymous said...

Best of luck. I bet you will do fantastic! It is worth the pain, I promise!

Linda

Miz Patti said...

You are about to experience a miracle...I never believed in miracles until I looked into the eyes of my newborn daughter! Good luck and maybe the labor part will go quickly.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birth Day Baby Lawns, the best of everything that life has to offer.

Steph said...

Congratulations!!!!

Just saw your posts on Twitter and am so happy to hear you are both doing well!

JoeinVegas said...

Waiting for photos of the new arrival - hope it all came out well

sha said...

I am happy for you and am glad everything turned out okay (I follow on Twitter Feed). I'm not a huge mommy blog fan, but I think in your case, I can make an exception. Your have such skill in your writing and mad powers of observation that I'm sure I'll be laughing and crying reading the whole ordeal.

booda baby said...

We should have a Baby Lawns now. I didn't quite feel her arrival, but I suppose the world was busy with huge Chicago storms and earthquakes and thought, with all our technology, we could sort ourselves out. Hm. I think I'd have preferred a little trumpeting and light show.

Anyway. Welcome to the world, little itty bitty one! Good job bringing her in, Mom!

Mack Hanisco said...

OMG!!! I haven't been on here in a few months because we moved from NH to Nashville and it's been totally nuts. I suddenly see your "Last day of Pregnancy" post show up on my Google page. Holy crap! Congratulations!!! I'm so excited for you! I had to go back to last spring when you announced you were preggo to see what exactly happened. Again, I have to say - we are so much alike! I was afraid of being a mom because I wasn't sure if I could love a child properly because I had such an awful relationship with my mother. Luckily, it worked out fine. My sons are 8 and 5 now and they are so loved! They are great kids and I turned out to be a good mom and you will too. You're a smart person, and the reason why you'll be an awesome mom is because you really think about it and care. So many just think motherhood is about showing off their kids in cute clothes. It's so much more than that, and you are well prepared. I wish you the best of luck!! Not that you need it. You'll be great. :)
Love Chris, the Dippy Chick

Anonymous said...

Good thoughts and prayers go out to you!
You'll do great!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Wide Lawns:

I am praying for your milk to come in. Be sure you're drinking plenty of fluids, and try some warm compresses (or hot showers) right before she nurses. Expressing a little milk by hand right before you try to latch her is helpful too.

go wide lawns! you rock! we love you!!!! janet in chicago

Miss Kitty said...

CONGRATS, WIDE LAWNS & MR. LAWNS!!! Welcome to the world, Baby Lawns!

Sending hugs to you across the miles from Small Town, Georgia. We love you, WL! :-)

Anonymous said...

Please, please, please give us an update! With your pre-delivery details of medical issues and a nearly two-week silence, we desperately want to hear that you and Baby Lawns are OK! All our hopes, thoughts, and prayers are with you!

Amazon Search Box

About Me

Blog Archive

Search

Loading...

Followers

There was an error in this gadget