Friday, September 10, 2010

Friday Night Gratitude

I'm sitting here by myself waiting for my grandparents to get here (the ones I wrote about yesterday). They're coming to sleep over tonight and I'm making them dinner. I may regret this because every time I cook something, my grandmother must know every detail about how I did it and the products I used and she asks me to the point where I want to be like "You know what, I am never cooking for you again. We should have just gone to Waffle House." My grandmother loves what she calls "waffle pecans." For breakfast tomorrow I am making her something along the waffle pecan lines. I've recently discovered the joyous things one can do with a sheet of canned crescent roll dough (mozzarella and pepperoni for one) and I'm going to roll it up with some pecans, brown sugar and cinnamon for her. She'll be all over it and then try to fish the canned dough wrapper out of the trash and I'll wish I'd just given her a frozen bagel. Happens to me every time.

I also made a banana pudding for dessert - the kind with vanilla bean custard and Nilla wafers with real whipped cream on top. My husband has never had this. Can you imagine? He is so not southern sometimes that he makes me realize that there are actually parts of the country that have no idea what some of these things I love even are. But his family is definitely down with the Jell-o and Cool Whip concoctions just like my family, even though they're from California, so I still can't believe that none of them ever made banana pudding for him. The other thing he never had was an icebox cake, for God's sake and he had the nerve to say it was gross. The absolute nerve. There is nothing more delicious than a proper icebox cake made with chocolate cookies and whipped cream lightly sweetened. How can that be gross? Something is wrong with him. He does use Cheetos as croutons after all.

Don't worry, I won't be eating the banana pudding or the pecan roll. I'm being good because the doctor told me today that as long as I continue on my current diet that my sugar is perfectly normal and I intend to continue on my current diet because I don't gain weight on it or start to feel icky like I do when I eat too much sugar.

I'm kind of rambling endlessly today about nothing. I occasionally enjoy the freedom of stream of consciousness, especially after writing a more focused memoir-ish story like I did yesterday. That one took me a while and was very emotional for me to write. I have a few other stories I want to share with you that are also like that and some of the topics aren't easy. One thing I find that helps me to get it all out is to write it in the present tense in the voice of myself at a different time in my life. It really helps to put me back in the moment. It's like time traveling to parts of my own life and I find the writing starts to flow more easily when it comes to difficult or emotional subjects or even subjects that I have a hard time understanding even now.

With all that's been going on in my life lately, I've been a bit of a downer and I apologize. Part of this is me being a brat combined with my anxiety over having a baby and wanting everything to be perfect, although I understand that the fundamental nature of parenthood is imperfection.

Really good things are happening though and I'd like to share some of the things for which I am very, very thankful this week.

I went to the doctor today and Baby Lawns is in absolutely perfect health. Everything is ideal, except her positioning, but babies flip at the last minute all the time and if not, well, who cares? I don't mind having a C-section. I don't really have any expectations for her birth. Here look. I wrote my birth plan and this is it:

Get the baby out of me as safely, quickly and painlessly as possible and make sure she is healthy.

And here's a copy of my nursing plan for afterward:

Nursing is best. I'd like to try it. If my thyroid condition and/or medications prevent safe nursing, I enthusiastically look forward to a hasty retoxification of my system. Starbucks and tuna salad here I come.

See, all nice and laid back. I am very, very thankful for my baby's continued good health.

I am also thankful that while I think I threw up so much in the beginning that I may as well have turned my body fully inside out with retching, that in the later stages of pregnancy that I have it pretty easy. I have been spared a lot of suffering.

I am thankful that I don't have hemorrhoids or anything else causing pain and suffering to my behind.

I am thankful that my bellybutton is not inside out and that so far I don't have stretch marks, though I fear any day this could change. I live in constant terror of stretch marks.

Most lucky, I am the pregnant woman people hate. I am skinny with a belly. From behind I look exactly the same. I never thought I would be this woman and the fact that I am makes me think that maybe Jesus does love me after all. My face is kinda puffy though, but I'm hoping that goes away.

What's not puffy though are my ankles! Today the doctor looked at my legs and feet and commented on my unusual lack of any kind of swelling. I have no explanation for this miracle.

"What are you doing to avoid this?" he asked in awe.

"Watching a lot of reality shows and eating peanut butter out of the jar," I replied.

Yes I still have heartburn that I can feel in my spine, but I can deal. Yes, my child has wedged her head under my right rib cage. I can deal with this too. I probably pee 25 times a day. It's like having a bladder infection without the burning, but peeing doesn't bother me either. Over all, I think I'm pretty darned lucky.

The Universe seeks balance I believe. I find that when one part of life goes to shit, another part will suddenly pick up and improve and this has happened.

I can't live in my house right now, but I will be able to live in my house eventually. The Universe has given us a consolation prize that more than makes up for lack of dwelling.

My husband has a new job and it's good. It's so good. I can't and won't talk about my husband's work. I don't even talk about him that much because many years ago he asked me not to, but please know that years and years of his hard work and incredible sacrifice for his career have finally paid off and it was all so hugely worth it. The new health insurance alone is like winning the lottery. There will even be travel for all three of us.

Because of my husband's new job I don't have to go back to work until or unless I want to and I don't want to at least until next summer. I had been very torn about going back to work in January for the Spring semester. I felt like I should, but I also felt like it would be really hard and really sad to leave a two month old. I know people do it every day, but I didn't want to. I think I would have been very stressed out. My husband's only condition for my staying home is that I have to write my butt off. I will try to do that.

These are tough times we live in, though I remain very optimistic about things getting better. Still, I know a lot of friends and family and maybe even many of you, are struggling to get by or find jobs. I'm sending you all good energy, since I have some to share and I feel a little guilty for talking about my good news. I didn't tell a lot of relatives about our good fortune because I didn't want to seem braggy or make anyone feel bad. I don't want to do that here either, so I apologize if I did. So many of you reached out to me in the past few weeks when I was feeling terrible and it helped me more than you can possibly know. I'd like to return the favor. Please know, my readers, that if you are sad that you can email me and I'll do my best to write you back at least a little something.

I'm going to leave you now and start cooking my fish dinner for my grandparents.  Tomorrow we have a child birthing class. God help us. I have an impending sense of hilarity ensuing. 


Joy said...

GOOD for you! very positive stuff going on. That baby will be born and will be fine. I myself had a c-section. Never attended the class because, DUH, I can pop this baby right out. Doesn't matter. All is well. I'm so happy for you!!!

Melanie said...

I am so happy to hear the good news! You deserve all the best that life has to offer. Enjoy!!!

LegalMist said...

Yay, I am so happy that at least some things are going very well for you! I hope that continues -- you deserve it. :)

Vic said...

You are a genuinely good person. Enjoy your blessings.
I must admit that it sometimes drives me to distraction that you have not even hinted at anything that would allow speculation on Husband's profession. I want to go ah-ha attorney, or accountant, or programmer, or nerf herder.

kerry said...

Yay for you and Baby being healthy!!! Yay for your hubby's new job! :) :) :)

Heather said...

Awesome, awesome, awesomeness! So glad to hear baby is super cool, and I love your birth plan(s). Yay!!!!

Birth class is interesting for multiple reasons. I do hope everything continues to go swimmingly well for you and wish you much love and happiness.


Oh and of course, YAY for the new job! :)

MtnMama said...

Oh, WL, part of what you wrote struck a cord - and I'll just say, my wonderful daughter (who is currently doing everything possible to avoid her homework) was wedged up under my right rib for what seemed like years. I went through every "remedy" known to try and "encourage" her to flip - yoga, acupuncture, ECV (which is horrid), you name it - and she ignored me. My lofty plans of having a granola water birth were completely replaced by a objectively scheduled Csection (they didn't want me to go into labor, as she was Breech, but I wanted her to "cook" in the oven as long as possible). And we were and are both fine and healthy.
I can honestly say I hope things go as well for you; maybe not as you planned, but as well as you hope.

Wide Lawns said...

Thanks everyone.

Here Vic, I can't tell you exactly what my husband does but I'll hint that he works in finance and was in banking for many years though he is not now. He is more of a managing people and organizing companies kind of a person.

Mtn Mama - oh I really don't want to have that ECV. I heard about how bad that is. If she flips good, if not it's ok too. I have a stretch I can do to get her to move a little bit, which works temporarily but she always scooches right back up in that right rib eventually. Only 7 more weeks anyway. Coincidentally, yesterday in childbirth class they told us that breech babies born via C-section are the prettiest because their heads don't get squished and compressed from being upside down, so maybe Baby Lawns is vain and wants to retain her good looks for all the photos once she is born.

Erin said...

Best thing about parenting class? It will make you feel so much more normal and balanced! My husband thought I was a little nutty during my pregnancy this past spring. Five minutes into our parenting class, he leaned over and said "thank you. you are so not even a little crazy compared to the crazy happening here."
My baby was positioned perfectly until I hit about 9 centimeters, then she went sunny side up. They do what they want :)
You will love the extra time home with your little one. Don't feel guilty, you've worked hard. Enjoy every minute!

kjl said...

Congrats to your hubby and you on his job--that's such great news!

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