Monday, June 21, 2010


Prepare to get a lot of posts from me because I have a deadline on Thursday and it's something that needs excessive proofreading. Nothing makes me blog compulsively like a looming professional deadline. 

I just had lunch with my two friends and I told them about my family's preoccupation with The Apocalypse. Then I realized that I needed to share this with you too.

Last week when I was in Millpond, my family members treated me to lengthy lectures on the coming END OF THE WORLD. We've covered repeatedly how my relations believe Obama is the literal Anti-Christ. They also believe that he and his co-conspirators bombed the oil rig in the Gulf.

My family's main sources of entertainment are as follows:

1. The Book of Revelations
2. Fox News
3. The History Channel, aka The Apocalypse Channel

Sometimes the information from these sources gets itself all mixed up in their heads, so that some of the vague prophecies in the Book of Revelations get glommed together with some of the vague prophecies seen on History Channel documentaries about Nostradamus, and all interpreted through the lens of Glenn Beck in the shrill voice of Sarah Palin.
When the END OF THE WORLD starts, the sea is going to turn to blood. Well, duh, isn't it obvious? The oil spill, caused by the Anti-Christ is what they were talking about. Can't you see how the oil is red?  Now, I confess that I did notice there was a rusty tinge to that oil and it did kind of surprise me because I thought oil was black. They believe that this is what the prophets were talking about - the destruction of the Gulf of Mexico and it's only going to spread all over the other oceans because there is no way they can cap this thing. There will be no fish or living things anymore. It says so in the Bible. Or maybe The History Channel. Maybe it was Glenn Beck. Anyway, it's happening.

"Then a comet'll come," they say next.

After the sea turns to blood (I think) some kind of comet is supposed to come flying out of nowhere portending even more horrors to come.

"Seriously?" I say, "You all think there's going to be a comet they haven't discovered yet and it's just going to come out of nowhere. Please. Whatever."

"You will see. God don't lie."

Neither does Sarah Palin.

So here I am laughing my ass off at some of the nonsense my relatives come up with, when last week, I get back from my trip and what the hell do I see but this article.  You have got to be freaking kidding me. You all. There is a comet.

So then I start to get paranoid. This stuff runs deep. I've tried to overcome it, but every now and then the Holy Roller brainwashing gets to me and I start shaking and wondering about my salvation. I have not been able to stop worrying about this comet. I bet my relatives are laughing their asses off at me now because they are vindicated. They told me just like Noah tried to warn of the flood and I didn't listen. I guess I know where I'll be stuck come The Rapture.

Then on Sunday my mother calls me from the bus (which is now in California by the way) with this.

Her: Have you been to the beach?

Me: No.

Her: Oh thank God. DO NOT go to the beach.

Me: Why?

Her: The oil.

Me: It's not here. There is no oil on the East Coast. The oil is on the other side.

Her: There's oil.

Me: Trust me. Our beaches are clean for now. Soon the oil may get caught in a loop current and eventually get here, but for now, we're safe.

Her: I don't know about that. That oil's very toxic.

Me: I know.

Her: It has toxic fumes that are very dangerous. I don't want the baby around those fumes.

Me: Well me either. But we're ok right now.

Her: I don't know what we're going to do.

Me: When what?

Her: If there's a hurricane that oil's going to turn into an invisible mist and spread all over Florida and there won't be any way to escape it. It's going to cover everything. A lot of people are going to die.

(I begin to imagine this in far too great detail and get nervous.)

Me: Oh my God.

Her: It's going to destroy Florida. You know what else? They're going to try to blow up the Gulf with a nuclear weapon to stop the leak.

Me: WHAT? Ok, no they aren't. I haven't heard anything about that. They would never allow that and how would that even work anyway?

Her: Well I heard it and it's going to cause a Mega-Tsunami and wipe us out.

Me: That's not possible. The tsunami would hit the other coast. It couldn't cross the entire state. Totally impossible.

Her: Well I don't want the baby around that oil. We're going to have to pack up the bus and leave.

Me: WHAT? We have an offer on a house!!

Her: I don't care. We're going to have to live on the bus. We'll head for the Midwest to get away from the oil so the baby doesn't get poisoned.

I begin to imagine myself giving birth on the bus. Sam running for hot water and towels. Bombaclaat trying to eat the placenta. It becomes a vivid and terrifying vision of my future, reminiscent of The Road. Then I imagine NOT living on the bus and the aerated oil and my baby autistic, suffering from cancer and looking like that thing from The Goonies.

I am sufficiently freaked out now. Dang comet.


Cristina S said...

Rest assured, little old Cuban grandmas profess all kinds of evil coming, in all kinds of forms. ;)

Thanks as always for making me ROTFL

Alessandra said...

Ok WL, this post reminded me of something my ex boyfriend (a classical nerd and a great guy) once told me about, so I had to go check it and I remembered it right: at this moment, there are 3,976 known comets. Most of them are not usually noticed by the naked eye, but just buy a really crummy telescope and you can see several a year. According to the Wikipedia page, there is at least one visible comet in the skyes every year, though most of them are nothing to write home about.

Here´s the link:

So rest assured, my guess is that both you and baby WL are going to be fine.

Erica said...

I'm sure living on a bus in the midwest will be much more damaging to Baby Lawns than the oil on the other side of Florida. Totally sure.

Anonymous said...

Muddy Waters' Hubby here: You had me rolling in laughter, because I can totally relate to the whole "fear of the rapture" thing--I grew up with the fundamentalist stuff, too. It really helps when you find out that for most of Christian history, the Rapture has been considered a heresy, and that the language in Revelation about the waters turning to blood is supposed to be metaphorical. The short answer I give to all this is that the Bible is meant to be understood as a road map, not a crystal ball.

...not that I've convinced my own fundamentalist relatives, either.

Wide Lawns said...

Oh thank God, a real pastor's advice. I feel better now. Thanks Muddy Husband!

Sixteen Chickens said...

Whatever you do, do NOT show this to your mother.

Anonymous said...

Your mother seems so sane in person. And apparently isn't aware of all the Superfund sites right here in the wholesome midwest. The house across the street from me...used to be a Shell station. I can't believe that neighbor plants a vegetable garden.


JTN said...

I was reading these articles today about right wing paranoia and gold and thought of this post. So, I thought I'd share...

Shannon Culver said...

First paragraph of the article says, "This particular comet, discovered in September 2009, will not come close enough to Earth to present even a potential hazard."
Relax - not even a potential hazard is pretty tame!

Wide Lawns said...

I don't think the prophecy said it was going to hit the earth but just its appearance was a sign of terrible things to come.

Eric said...

Out beyond the orbit of Pluto is an area called the Oort cloud. It is full of the remnants of the solar system after it coalesced into the planets and so forth.
It is swarming with comets that for the most part stay where they are. On occasion gravitaional forces from some mass EG Pluto or some other undiscovered body will give one or two of these comets a little tug. Just enough to drop it into the gravity well of the sun.
Thus begins the long journey of yet another previously undiscovered comet.
My point, It happens ALL the time. It is not some sort of biblical prophecy, it just happens in the natural course of systemic events.
Comets and Asteroids do pose some danger but the odds are infintesimal that you or I will be alive during a Dinasaur killer type event like what happened 65 million years ago. Regardless what they say on the History Channel.
Further, The book of Revelations was a minor chapter in the bible that the fundies pay far too much attention to, rather then trying to live their lives in the fashion prescribed in the gospels. EG Love thy neighbor.
finally Yes the Soviet Russians used low yield nukes to cap off spills like the one in the gulf. It is a balance of what is worse, the oil or 50 years of radiation in a relativly small area. Not my decision to make but it is actually being discussed.

mcgrimus said...

If timed just right, the comet could ignite the oil-hurricane and set off the mother of all fireballs!

Joy said...

I know how you feel. Sometimes I get paranoid and think "oh my god I'm going to hell". (relatives being SO much like yours and all) and then I remember that until I lost my religion I never had peace in my heart.

Plain(s)feminist said...

First - how did I not know you were expecting? Clearly, I haven't been reading the blogs. Congratulations!

Second - I remember a lot of talk during the first Gulf War about tomahawk missiles and how they looked like such and such from Revelations. Everyone was sure that was the beginning of the end then, too.

Third - what Muddy Husband said.


Anonymous said...

Just wait until they hear about the Giant Methane Bubble.

♥ Calamity Anne ♥ said...

So do your Millpond relatives have a master plan scoped out to go into hiding, or are they just going to sit there and get annihilated? As for nuking the Gulf...I guess there'd be an upside to that...SURF'S UP!!!

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