Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Coming Clean

Dear Readers, this has been weighing on my mind for some time and I've finally decided to come clean to all of you about a secret I've been keeping for some time. I'm just going to throw it on out there.

I am pregnant! (Almost five months if you'd like to keep track.)


Remember the last time I had a pregnancy scare? Well, it wasn't a scare and it wasn't exactly an accidental or unplanned pregnancy either so don't get all wild on me and talk about how I should have used birth control.


There are several reasons why I didn't mention it until now. I was scared and horribly sick at first. I had some complications and I honestly didn't know if everything was going to be ok. I didn't want to tempt fate. I also had a lot of my own issues with motherhood to work through and I needed a lot of time to think things over alone before I wrote about it or announced it publicly.


To be totally honest, I was also scared that people would say mean things to me. My readers are kind and compassionate people, but you know, there's the occasional jackass that strolls through and for a while I was so emotionally delicate that I couldn't bear to read some mean comment about this. I'd still really rather not. I'm trying to surround myself with positive influences, and I don't want to read mean things about my baby.


And let's just get it out of the way right now that I have zero intention of being a Mommyblogger. I am indifferent to Mommybloggers and always have been. I read a couple here and there.  I don't identify with them. Mommyblogger is not how I see myself as a writer. I write about my life and I don't want to write about my child's life. If she wants to grow up and write about her own life then great, but I'm not going to make that choice for her. She must be on her own path and must have her own privacy. Plus, writing about diapers and poo does not interest me. I have enough other stuff to write about.


I would, however, like to reserve the right to occasionally write about pregnancy as I experience it and about my family's response to it because some of this has certainly been interesting. At some point I want to share my story about my reluctance and fear of being a mother and of being pregnant and how I got over it or more importantly, WHY I got over it. I didn't want to talk about that at first, but now I feel ready.


Another reason why I didn't share was because my sister is also pregnant. She is exactly two months behind me. I didn't want to steal her thunder in the beginning. Then we had a really big scare where her doctor thought her pregnancy might not be viable and we had to wait in agony to see if the baby was growing and if there was a heartbeat. It was terrible. Finally we got good news that her baby was ok. But see, if it hadn't been, I couldn't stand to be talking about or writing about my own pregnancy. It would have felt wrong and cruel to do that to her.


After that I had to have an extensive round of genetic and chromosomal testing. We saw a genetic counselor. I had a million strange things done to me - things I never even knew existed and it took over a month to get it all done. I have to go to three different doctors too now. Last week we finally got all of the results and had a long meeting with the doctor, who assured us that our baby was in every way perfect. I'm not perfect, but she is. And yes, he told us that she is a girl and at that moment I felt like this huge burden of terror and worry was lifted and that everything was going to be ok and that I could do this. But most of all, that was the moment that I really felt like I loved her for the first time and I had been really scared (irrationally) that for some reason I might be incapable of loving my child and that I might damage it psychologically. And I think part of my fear was that if I allowed myself to love her that something awful might happen and that I would lose her.


But I don't worry about that now.


Baby is perfect. She is healthy and growing and even sucks her thumb!


I'm not perfect though. Oddly enough, I have never felt compelled to write about my health problems in any detail. It depresses me. It makes me anxious. I don't feel like I have anything to say at length. I have chronic illness. It could be a whole lot worse than it is. Sometimes it's annoying. I'm thankful I have this instead of something else. It isn't a danger to the baby. The danger is more to me, but that's ok too. Before I even considered having unprotected sex, please be assured that I had extensive blood work done and discussed the possibility of having a child with several of my doctors, all of whom assured me that it would be fine and that in fact, I SHOULD have a baby. They also made it very clear to me what would be in store for me so I knew if I chose not to use birth control what I was getting myself into. I was not being irresponsible with my health or anyone else's.

Still, it hasn't been easy. There were things I had been prepared for. I knew I'd have to go to the doctor all the time and I knew I'd have a lot of blood draws. That's already my normal though, so not a big deal. I did not know, however, that I would suffer from something called hyperemesis (insane throwing up) or that it would turn out that my husband's and my blood types are in every way incompatible. I didn't even know that happened or was possible. Luckily we have dealt with both of these issues too. Everything is ok now.  I'm not throwing up and I have to get some sort of shots for the blood thing. Today I just found out that my poor thyroid finally died and now I have to take medication. I knew this day would eventually come and really, is taking one pill every morning a big deal? No.


Being pregnant hasn't been all bad though. My autoimmune illness has been so suppressed that all of my symptoms disappeared. People are suddenly trying to force feed me. In the beginning I lived off of milkshakes and actually lost weight. A lot of people are really happy and excited for this baby and that makes me feel surrounded by love and positive energy much more so than I noticed before. My skin and hair look nicer. I don't have to clean the cat box any more and people no longer try to get me to eat sushi. I got to get new clothes. At some point I will have a party with cake.


For the past week I've been feeling really good and because I finally, after so long, feel good and like everything is going to be fine, I wanted to share this news with you too.


But wait, I think some of you might want details. As I said, the baby is a girl. She will be here on Halloween. My sister's baby will be here on Christmas. We like holidays apparently. She doesn't know the sex of her baby yet and has chosen for now not to find out. My baby will be another Scorpio in the family, as if there weren't enough already. I have a little teeny bump going now. My parents are going out of their minds at having their first two grandchildren arriving two months apart and I will write about that because it is pretty funny. Every single person I meet asks me if I have cravings and the answer is NO. A strongly worded NO NO NO. I wish I had a craving. I don't eat much at all. I don't have a big appetite and have only gained four pounds. While I don't have cravings, I have certainly developed some strange eating habits, but those will have to be their own post.

77 comments:

Anonymous said...

Congratulations!! I hope everything continues to go well for you and your family. Best wishes to you and yours.

lspoon said...

That is all kinds of awesome-sauce. Congratulations!

openingstanza said...

You will be the best mother! I am so thrilled when intelligent, loving, creative people have babies. It gives me hope!

nandy said...

Congratulations! Glad to hear that everything and everyone are OK.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations--I am sure she will be perfect in every way. Congrats to your sister also.

Today's Random said...

CONGRATULATIONS!! I am so surprised but very excited for you. Good luck!

Gabrielle said...

yaaaay that is so exciting! congrats :D

DiaryofWhy said...

Hooray! Glad you're at such a new and interesting point in your life, and glad you decided to share. :)

sarahlovesfabric.com said...

Congratulations! I now feel even more like I'm reading myself. I'm 14 wks along with my first, which took a lot of soul-searching and motherhood-issue-meditating to get to the point of being able to try for. I'm 38 and have been disgustingly, robustly healthy so far (sorry about your hyperemesis! Yuck!)

Best of everything to both you and your sister, and both your babies. Mine's due right in between: Thanksgiving!

ScouterRoger said...

Congrats to you and your husband. I truly hope everything goes OK with you and the baby girl. Reading about the family she will be a part of, I am sure she will have lots to write about in her own time.

So sorry to hear about the death of your thyroid. Will there be a funeral?

sillermoon (Melissa) said...

I am so happy for you! I understand the waiting to get attached and the being paranoid and also not wanting to blog about it. We have been TTC for over a year and only recently found that I have health problems causing some issues. My mom is dying to know when I get pregnant but I'm terrified of telling people and then having a miscarriage.

I think you will be a great mom and even though I read momblogs I understand why not everyone wants to read them or write them.

Best wishes to you, husband and your baby girl!

onthegomom said...

So happy for you, your husband, your sister and her husband and of course your families! Congratulations!!!!

Amanda said...

Congratulations to you and your sister! Here is to a happy and healthy nine months :0) Thanks for sharing this with us!

Misha said...

YAY! I shall start sending the good birthin' vibes your way. Wonderful news for your family!

Kim said...

Thanks for sharing and a huge dose of Congratulations!! I'm glad you're feeling better now...and oh my goodness...how awesome is it that the cousins will be so close in age!?

beatgrl said...

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Huge!! I assure you that you will be one million times thankful that you and your sister are having the babies together, it will make it so much more fun and easier on you both.
Congratulations and looking forward to the wacky stories, because something bizzare or hilarious is likely to take place around this.

Glad you are feeling better.

Jenny said...

Congratulations! That is so super exciting! If you would like a laugh, try reading 'What to Expect When You're Expected: A Fetus' Guide to the First Three Trimesters' I haven't read it yet, but I read the preface which is written by the stork. FUNNY. Good luck, I hope you sail through the next four months!

Suffer Kate said...

Congratulations, brave one. Welcome to the world, brave one's little girl. Thank you for sharing with us!

Whiskeymarie said...

Yay! Congratulations! Funny- you're actually the second person on my "loved bloggers" list to announce that they are preggers (and fairly well along into it) this week.

Don't worry- I'm not pregnant, but I have enough cravings for the both of us.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations to you and your husband, and also your sister and her husband. I'm sure you will be a wonderful mother. I've been reading your blog for several years now, and it seems to me that you will a kind, caring and FUN mom!

Laurie said...

Your little girl is going to have an awesome Mom. Congrats again! Can't wait to read about your parents reaction to this wonderful time for your family. Keep feeling good and take good care. :)

Anonymous said...

congratulations!!!

Carolyn said...

Congratulations! I am so happy for you!!!

Green said...

Big, supportive, pregnant kisses you to you! I am wishing continued health for the girlie, and minimal health issues for you. Of course, mazel tov to Mr. Lawns as well.

Brooke said...

Congrats! I'm so excited for ya'll!

TwistedNoodle said...

Yippee! A sweet baby girl. Congratulations to you and the Mr.

Nunya Biznez said...

Congratulations to you and "husband" and your sister and her husband too. What an exciting an happy time for your family.

I wish much air conditioning, and gaining just enough weight, and BOO!

Anonymous said...

So so so happy for you :)

Marisa said...

Oh, how wonderful! So, so many congratulations to you and your husband. Yay!

Anonymous said...

Oh this is wonderful news. Congratulations to you both. Your parents are going to have an absolute ball. I am a Grandma and I love, love, love spending time with my grandchildren. Congrats to your sister too.

Anonymous said...

Hooray! Halloween birthdays are the best (I should know). Best birthday party themes ever!

Rachel said...

Congrats!! I've been reading your blog for awhile now and have kinda been wondering if you & your husband would be starting a family. Sounds like you two will be great parents and little girls are so cute and so much fun (I have no kids but five nieces so I think I have a decent amount of experience with them haha). Congrats again!!

Alessandra said...

Oooohhhhh, congratulations!! Very happy for you and wish all the best for little WL.

I remember well your post about some of your fears concearning getting pregnant and being a mother. It totally resonated with me; those are reasonable fears that I share to some degree. So I have to say I have deep respect for you for working to overcome this (while of course being super carefull and responsible in the process). Can´t wait to hear about it.

You´re going to be a great mother.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Congrats! I'm so happy for you! And, even if you are not, swear you will not ever be, a mommy blogger, trust me - the kid will give you stories. Can't wait to hear about your issues with motherhood, or whatever you choose to write about.

dissed said...

Congratulations! **throws confetti** Your family has good luck with girls. Glad you're both well.

Mine said...

Many congrats.... funny thing, my best frind's had two little girls and had the most horrendous morning sickness for the first three months both times. Of the sort where she lay on the couch with a bucket nearby. But she's all over that now and the two girlies are all sorts of gorgeous, as I'm sure yours will be too. Best wishes

Heather said...

I have not checked in on your blog in sometime but for some reason felt that I must tonight. Now I know why! I am so, so thrilled for you and your family, and I hope that being a mother brings you tremendous joy. Much love to you all - Heather

Grumpy Housewife said...

*SQUEE!!!!!*

Congratulations! I think I made a sound that only the dogs heard.

I'm so happy for you and your sister! May your babies be healthy and happy, and may you two have easy labors and uncomplicated deliveries!

rainy5982 said...

congrats! just congrats!

Joyce said...

Since my own daughter (age 32) decided not to have kids, ever, I'll be following your pregnancy like it's my own grandchild! I'm an NICU nurse and love babies... yours is going to be awesome!

Melanie said...

Such wonderful news!!! You're going to be the best mom ever. And don't worry, I'll always love your blog, no matter the subject. Because what I love best about your writing is (1) the awesome talent you have for expressing yourself on the page; and (2) the amazing life philosophy that comes out in your writings. So, go ahead and write about the baby; or, go ahead and keep writing about everything BUT the baby. Either way, it's all good!

Anonymous said...

Wowowowowowow!

Congratulations! That little girl is gonna have one very classy set of parents. You will both do great!

SQUEEE! The cutest knitted stuff is for little girls! Can I send you blankies and teddies and stegosauruses? (stegosauri?)

kerry said...

I'm so glad both babies and mommies are healthy!

My grandpa just found out at 88 years old that he was born on Hallowe'en. He'd always been told it was November 1 but he recently found some documents that said otherwise. Nobody knows who changed it or why.

My mother-in-law also has a Hallow's birthday and loves it!

The Fifth Sparrow said...

How awesome is that?!!

I hope you get a "Wonderful Daughter" too. Mine makes life very interesting and also worth living. Now that she has given me two grandsons to go along with her, I feel I have it all and now you will too!!! Congratulations WL. I hope things go more smoothly for both you and your sister.

Sixteen Chickens said...

That's wonderful news! Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I don't care what you write about, just as long as you write. Oh, my thyroid died during my last pregnancy. I've been taking that one little pill for 17 years and I'm mostly ok. ;)

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy for you - out of the first trimester and can breath a bit normally. Have you felt the baby yet? All these wonderful miracles up the road for you and hubby.

I wish I could hug you!

~Maureen~

Nanci said...

WL, I am more than thrilled! I have been reading for a VERY long time and am so excited you shared your news with us. I know you will be a fun, loving and exceptional Mother! Husband will be such a proud Daddy too. Congrats to you both. I suppose the baby would be the best gift of all, but the cake at the baby shower definitely is a close second!!! Enjoy your time being pregnant. Can't wait to hear all the funny stories. Congrats!

Albany Jane said...

I'm also happy for you!

I am very glad you've got a strong support system and have surrounded yourself with posititivity. Don't worry about keeping us up to date on everything - it's just cool you let us know at all!

I would personally be interested in your experience with genetic testing, and what it entailed. It is something I am interested in, but would like your personal perspective on it.

And thanks for already deciding not to become a mommyblogger. I like your input on your life, and the things that happen in it. If a baby's in the picture, then it's still part of your life. I didn't think you'd do the whole "Here's 80 million pictures of the baby with a stick" type thing, any way. You're too hip for that kind of thing.

JennAviv said...

I'm a lurker, not a commenter, normally. But I had to say that I think that any child would be lucky to grow up with your sense of humour and outlook on life - and your family! ;) Congratulations!!!!!!

msnshn313 said...

Congratulations and best wishes to both of you!

laura said...

Congratulations to you and your husband! You will be a great mom.
You have incredible insight, and that will help you. How fun that your daughter will have a cousin so close to her age.

Andrea said...

That's WONDERFUL, and congrats to you and your family. Everyone is nervous at first but you will find that your daughter will complete you in a way you never thought possible.

Living said...

Awesome news! Congrats to both you and your sister! How nice that the cousins will be the same age and grow old together!

Lauren said...

Oh YAY!!!!! Congrats to you and your hubby!!!! I am so excited for you and ME! We are expecting our first child Oct 8th, so it will be fun to follow along with your pregnancy as mine progresses too! I also think you can incorporate some pregnancy/baby posts without becoming a flat out mommyblogger. Anyway congrats again! YAY!

Amblus said...

Congratulations! What happy news!

Karen said...

This is GREAT news! So, so happy for you! Be not afraid to post the occaisonal pregnancy/baby story. You know we're all gonna love it.

ohsoang said...

Congrats! Angela is a lovely name. ;)

Life in the mom lane said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!! I am happy you are feeling better! Best wishes for an easy pregnancy/delivery from this point on.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations!! What a happy and exciting time for your family! All the best to you!

sha said...

I'm so very happy for you. Congratulations and thank you so much for sharing this with us. I will be sending good thoughts your way.

Wide Lawns said...

Ahh, Angela is a lovely name! I have a friend named Angelina and she had twins last summer. Her husband named the girl Angela after her mommy and it's so pretty and uncommon. So I can't take that name.

Baby Lawns has a name. Her name is a bit unusual and there has been some mild controversy over it, but I'll write about that. Husband had baby naming privileges and he chose to name her after his grandmother, who had a name that was really popular 90 years ago and not at all popular now. But we like it. I'll tell you all the story of her name soon enough.

Erica said...

Oh my Gosh!!! This is awesome news, and I don't know you, but I've read your blog for years and I'm not really surprised you're pregnant. Congratulations so much and I'm glad you're feeling well. And how thoughtful of you to think of your sister like that..

Joy said...

How wonderful! Lots of blessings and white light coming your way.

jmm said...

Congratulations! I'm very happy for you and husband. I'm sure if you did a little mommyblogging it wouldn't be boring!

Sheri in Sebastopol said...

I've been following your blog for a few years now, but I think this is my first comment!

If your writing is any indication, I think your open-mindedness and supportive ways will put you on the right track to being an awesome parent!

I just want to say that while this post was lovely and I appreciate your honesty, you really didn't need to justify anything to any of "us".

I do this a lot myself, so I'm totally with you...but, I sure wish I wouldn't feel the need to do so! I try to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, the minutes here and there that people spend looking in on my life don't even begin to paint the whole picture. Harsh and critical words are hard to hear, but I hope that you can find the strength to rise above them and remember that the comments you receive here are based on a small glimpse into your life. When I doubt, I reverse the roles and remind myself of this.

For example, I sometimes think I know my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years SOOO well, but in reality, I've been around for only 1 1/2 of his 48 years. This means that I have pretty limited knowledge of almost his entire life, which is almost entirely what has made him who he is today! Sure, my 1 1/2 year window is the most current information, but all of his beliefs and behaviors have come to be for a reason...and that reason probably isn't just because of me and the way I see how his life is going currently. I believe it's the same thing for you and everyone else.

Don't let criticism get to you. You know the truth of who you are and why. Sure, it can be helpful to take things in and consider them, but don't dwell on the shallow judgments. If you're a good person, doing good things, doing the best you can, it's ALL good and there's no need to be concerned about the judgments made after hearing about 1% of your life. If they can't appreciate who you are in your entirety, they don't deserve your attention. Period.

Stand strong, be yourself, and don't ever let them harsh your mellow. I truly enjoy your writing and appreciate who you are no matter what you have to say. I am no better than you and neither is anyone else.

Everyday Reader said...

Congratulations and all the best to you!

Yay!

Frack It said...

Congratulations! I agree with a previous comment. It's nice to see intelligent people having babies! Thanks for sharing!!

Delainie said...

Congratulations!

I can relate with a lot of this story, makes me want to give you a hug. Maybe mostly for my benefit though. My son was unplanned and came about at the same time that my best friend, who has wanted 20 babies since she was 5, miscarried. It was hard and complicated, and I may write about it someday.

You will be an amazing mother! I'm a little sad that you don't want to mommyblog (even though I don't either), your stories are just so fantastic. Kids do some of the most f-ed up things that it seems we HAVE to write about them!

Good luck that the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly!

Jennifer said...

YAY!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I am also so happy to hear this wonderful news :))) Love the fortune cookies, and love that you and your sis are claiming two holidays for the impending births.
So exciting.

Thank you for sharing with us.

Cathi/70th commenter ;)

Gina said...

Congratulations!

Rich said...

Congratulations! I myself do not have children, but spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew who live downstairs and I swear they are almost like my own. They are fun. He's 3 and she's 3 months. Thankfully she is such a good baby, and adores me. Everything in this world, and I still think babies are like the coolest thing ever.

anne said...

Sheesh - I step away for a couple of days and BOOM! The biggest news ever! I am sooo happy for you guys! The world of parenthood is completely insane but so much fun. Many, many congrats!

♥ Calamity Anne ♥ said...

WOW!!! Congratulations to you and your hubby!

Amy said...

I am very happy for you. Congratulations!

MtnMama said...

I decided to catch up on my reading this morning. Wow! I remember some time back feeling a little sad because you'd said you didn't know if you wanted to have kids and I thought you'd be great at it. Ha!

I don't know if I "qualify" as a Mommyblogger or not. If the ones I think of as that are any indication, I'm not, but that may just be my vanity speaking. I do try to maintain her anonymity, though.

But I look forward to your perspective - on any/all of it.

LegalMist said...

It's been a while since I checked in, so I'm surprised and happy for you! Congratulations!

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