Friday, April 16, 2010

Nasty Assed Recipes - You Have No Taste Edition

Last night, totally out of left field, I got a comment on a 2 year old post telling me that I have no taste and that I moderate comments and only let comments through which agree with me and all of this was on the topic of pretzel salad, that culinary abomination that my family loves. We even had it at Thanksgiving this year. We always have it. I can't stand it. So I thought this comment was hilarious. First, I moderate comments to avoid spam and so I get to read each and every comment. I let most of them through. It is so rare that anyone gets mean and if they do, I publish them anyway. I don't generally care if people disagree with me. I love a lot of people who disagree with me on many topics, especially pretzel salad. Jeez. Of all the shit I've said to get mad at, it was that pretzel salad is disgusting? I love the irony of telling me that I have no taste. Anyway, my feelings aren't hurt or anything. I just thought it was funny and in honor of the person who felt the need to so passionately defend pretzel salad, I wanted to give them an additional recipe, straight from my family's files, for another dessert. You know, to add some variety to the white trash dessert repertoire. You have to change things up. My mom's best friend, who is really very much a part of our family, is responsible for this atrocity called "Pistachio Pudding Dessert" which is much adored by fans of pretzel salad. It involves crackers for a crust, has the requisite Cool-Whip and instant pudding, IS GREEN, and it's fancy because it's topped with chopped, bright red, maraschino cherries. This is the closest recipe that I could find, but we have a couple variations. For one, use saltines instead of those high-falutin', uppity Ritzes. Also, our recipe doesn't involve ice cream. You just whip the pudding into the Cool Whip, spread it over the crackers, throw it in the freezer and call it a day. The cherries on top are maraschinos and for the nuts, we use chopped walnuts, but you can leave those off. Anonymous, I'm sure that you'll love this recipe as much as my family and of course, because I have no taste, you won't ever catch me eating this green, goopy mass of chemicals, salt and sugar.

PISTACHIO ICE CREAM DESSERT
1/2 c. butter, melted
1 1/2 stacks Ritz crackers, crushed (approx. 57 crackers)
2 c. milk
2 small boxes pistachio instant pudding
1 qt. vanilla ice cream, softened
Cool Whip
Nuts & cherries (opt.)
Mix butter with crushed crackers and pack firmly in a 9"x13" pan. Beat softened ice cream and set aside. Beat milk with pudding, add softened ice cream and fold in well. Spread over crust. Set in refrigerator about 1/2 hour. Frost with Cool Whip. Sprinkle with nuts and cherries if desired. Chill 4 hours or overnight. 6 to 8 servings.

38 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Sounds almost like my family's "Watergate Salad" recipe. Cool whip, pistachio jello mix, pineapple chunks, shaved coconut (optional topping) and crushed pecans (mostly as topping, some goes in it). I adored the stuff as a kid.

JoeinVegas said...

Now I want to write a particularly cruel comment just to see if it will make it through your filters, but after reading your posts I just can't come up with anything negative. sorry. Oh - wait - yes, I can complain about the pistachio: why not lemon?

Jean_Phx said...

People really are funny. I too would never touch this green mess. 2 years? Well it takes all kinds, I suppose.

MtnMama said...

Ga! I must be a real stuck up snot, because just reading these recipes makes me run away in fear. It's been decades since I've subjected myself to the horrors of what I think of as "pot luck" food, but the scars remain. Anything with jello in it, for one. I can't imagine buying Cool Whip. I must go wash my eyeballs now, thanks...

rosie-b said...

Gag, green AND it has Cool Whip.

I have to admit to being a little jealous though. I don't have any revolting recipes to share. My family never did anything more interesting than strawberry Jello with bananas and real whip cream. We never even got cream in a spray can.

A friend of mine from overseas makes a really interesting hot dog soup though. It has ketchup and cabbage in it. :0

Laurie said...

"High falutin' uppity Ritz's." LOL!!

Actually, if you replaced the Ritz/saltine crackers with graham crackers, and used chocolate pudding and ice cream, left out the nuts and the cherries and used real whipped cream, this maybe wouldn't be too bad. Maybe. It least it wouldn't be green. :)

crazycrazyangel said...

My husband makes this disgusting slop called pea salad, which is pretty much just mayonnaise, peas and onions. I seriously can't be in the room when he is eating it. I guess it's a Polish thing?

lee said...

anything green that isn't a salad will not get eaten by me!

would you like the recipe for a "fishtank" made with blue jell-o, goldfish crackers and nerds?

Michelle said...

You have heard of Dirt Salad, right?

Kirsty S said...

I don't know whether to be completely grossed out or really, really curious to see the "fishtank" mentioned above. But I'm definitely feeling somewhere in between the two. *lol*

Suzanne said...

What people get upset over. Honestly! Time. To. Get. A. Hobby! :)

Joy said...

kinda off subject, but not maybe? I made dinner last night which is in and of itself a minor miracle. But I digress.

I tried to make chicken soup in the crock pot. It looked like slop. You would feed to the pigs. I should've made this delicious sounding recipe for dessert. Too bad you were a day late.

Off to scrape out the crock pot. again....

Tesseract-Wheel said...

Oh dear god. How do recipes like that even come into being?
Sounds like my mum trying make a dessert. Bless her Asian heart. Hey, you have to give your family credit for being original though. If my mum wakes up feeling particularly 'tasteless', she just puts an already dried octopus carcass in the toaster.. I couldn't have breakfast for a week.

Every day reader said...

Is Dirt Salad anything like the abomination that is Kitty Litter Cake?

This link has a picture along with the recipe. I read that someone made this for an office party and no one would touch it.

Recipe and picture here

Anonymous said...

Saltine Toffee

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (205 degrees C).
2. Line cookie sheet with saltine crackers in single layer.
3. In a saucepan combine 1 cup sugar and 1 cup butter. Bring to a boil and boil for 3 minutes. Immediately pour over saltines and spread to cover crackers completely.
4. Bake at 400 degrees F (205 degrees C) for 5 to 6 minutes. Remove from oven and sprinkle chocolate chips over the top. Let sit for 5 minutes. Spread melted chocolate and top with chopped nuts(optional). Cool completely and break into pieces.

We call it Crack

Anonymous said...

oh man when we were younger, we would take saltine crackers and eat them slathered with butter. then my sister started putting maple syrup (of course the fake kind) on top of that. then i got the bright idea to put (canned) whipped cream on top of that mess.

though to be honest though, it is an amazing combination.

ohsoang said...

Oh wow, I think I threw up a little.

Anonymous said...

all i have to say is..... uuummmmmm you said a dirty wooooooooooooooord... yeah, i caught it.

i lied, i have more to say.

I will agree, the pretzel salad is a little too much, but i remember as a kid i ate a pistachio pudding with marshmellows. don't care too much for marshmellows but i completely hogged the stuffed. so, back off the green nasty assed looking pudding that tasted good!!! alright?!

long-time reader, occasional commenter and always posted.

Sixteen Chickens said...

One day you simply must post a recipe for "tater-tot hotdish." It is a classic in my neck-o-the-woods and nothing is more nasty assed IMHO.

Michelle said...

1 1/4 lb. Oreo cookies
1 pt. vanilla ice cream
1 c. milk
2 sm. boxes instant pistachio pudding
1 container Cool Whip

In a 9 x 13 inch pan, crush the whole package of Oreo cookies with a potato masher. Set in freezer. In another bowl, mix pint of ice cream, 1 cup milk, and 2 boxes instant pudding. Do not cook pudding. Mix those ingredients together until real smooth and creamy. Pour mixture over crushed cookies and put in refrigerator until it starts to harden. Then put Cool Whip over mixture. Refrigerate. Cut into squares.

Tatya said...

I second the recommendation for Saltine Toffee. It sounds very weird, but oh, my heathen gods, is it good. And really, how far wrong is one likely to go with melter butter and brown sugar? My mother and I both make it with broken bits of very good very dark chocolate- 70% cocoa or better- rather than chocolate chips... Mmm. I think I may make some tomorrow!
However, Cool Whip is an abomination. As is Miracle Whip. Bleargh.

Melanie said...

Hot dog soup with ketchup and cabbage?

Gag!

Brighton said...

OMG, I am laughing so hard! We have a white trash side to our Jewish family, and these types of recipes always show up at family dinners. Need to pass this one on to the other side...

As for the nasty commenter, how sad. Get a life- and a sense of humor!

ElectricDaisy said...

Darn! I was going to leave the following comment:

"Yikes: http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,173,158165-232201,00.html"

but Elizabeth, the very first commenter, beat me to it! I just heard of this evil Watergate salad and had to share it with the queen of Nasty Assed recipes. Also, I've never had pistachio jello. It sounds horrific.

Anonymous said...

This discussion makes me think of Pimento Cheese, that orangey glop so beloved by some. I do love hearing about these regional love it/hate it type of foods.

Reiven said...

I'd like to add a simple recipe to your book of nasty assed recipes. You are compiling a book, right? No? You should. Anyway, my cousin in law makes it, I think it's gross but to each her own. Cucumber salad: sliced cucumbers, sliced onions and mayonnaise. It's bland, boring and the cucumbers are freaking drenched in mayo. Way to ruin a cucumber.

Life in the mom lane said...

I have had some of the recipes talked about.... the green one... I think if I didn't have to look at it it might be good- the saltine "crack"- I have had that and it is good!

seryan said...

*laughs* Minus the nuts and cherries, this was my husband's favorite dessert as a kid! (Once you get over the fact that there's no actual, um, *food* in it, it's not that bad.) I've not made it for him (choosing instead to spoil him with homemade cheesecake), but his mum has.

Joyce said...

"It's not CREAM pie... it's DREAM pie!!" Remember that commercial? Having come from a long line of double-wides my own self, I can appreciate the fluffy white trashiness of this recipe. Only I didn't go to the gall darn trouble of making a crust, I just bought the pre-made graham cracker kind. I switched it up by using different kinds of instant pudding.

Which reminds me... I need to get to the grocery store... I got me a cravin' for some DREAM pie!

Sadi said...

My family in North Missouri makes ham balls. I love my family dearly, but mashed up ham balls still makes me shudder.

I don't have a recipe, but I'm sure saltines or bread crumbs are involved.

auronsgirl said...

Here's a recipe always on tap at my family gatherings as a kid:

Banana Crouquettes

1 bunch of bananas
Mayo
Salted peanuts

Cut each banana in half widthwise, then in half lengthwise. Cover in mayo, then roll in peanuts. Serve on a plate at room temperature.

How I escaped getting salmonella poisoning until I was 30 and still having eaten the above recipe many times, I'll never know.

onthegomom said...

Was at our local grocery store yesterday and they have a salad bar - in it they had green jello, mixed with shaved carrots on a pretzel or ritz cracker "crust". Is it bad I immediately thought of you and your Bad Ass Recipes?!?

eleanorstrousers said...

I come from a people who rely on questionable "salads" as side items. Most of which invole Jello brand mixes. And I am so proud. Now that I've moved north, these are my proudest offerings at Yankee dinners.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I have to argue with Reivan ... cucumber salad is hte nectar of the Gods. However, to be made properly, the cucumbers have to be sliced paper thin. The onions must be finely minced (not sliced). These two ingredients should be soaked in a good herbal vinegar for a few hours (I make my own - pour boiling cider vinegar in a jar packed with FRESH basil, rosemary, parsley, a few garlic cloves and a good tablespoon of brown sugar. Let it cool, drain). Then add just a tiny amount of mayo. TINY, folks.

Reivan's SIL's concoction sounds vile, but made properly it's very tasty.

~Maureen~

sha said...

My roommate's sister makes some sort of pistachio salad conglomerate with seedless red grapes and some sort of nut. Thankfully, I'm sensitive to whatever sweetener is in the diet version and I can beg off of it.
She also makes these canned pear halves with creme cheese and maybe Cool whip or perhaps mayo in the center. It never sets properly and it always runs out of the stem dent. I'm sure there's a better recipe for whatever pear dessert she's attempting to emulate. Those aren't horrid though so I do eat it. Especially, and she will admit herself, since she's a lousy cook.

Anonymous said...

My oldest son's girlfriend made a pretzel dessert salad for us this last Thanksgiving. I was a little curious as how it would taste. Turns out we loved it and gave her huge reviews. It was just as wonderful as she is and I hope she makes it again soon.

I don't know your recipe, but you are just as sweet as she is, so I bet yours is wonderful too.

Mrs. History Mom

June Gardens said...

Just the name "Pretzel Salad" is funny to me. And you know I am gonna try this one. Hey, pistachios are good for you.

The Four Writters said...

First of all, how dare you. How dare you shame such an amazing desert.

Second of all, white trash? No, green desert.

Thirdness of all and also lastnessly, even is this desert is amazing, it's still wrong to mix ice cream with anything else unless it is chocolate sauce or orange juice.

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