Monday, March 15, 2010
11:19 AM | Posted by Wide Lawns | | Edit Post
This morning I thought it might be fun to take you on a tour of my family's medicine cabinet. It will be a short tour. There are only six items. I mean, there could be seven if you counted the ear candles, but I decided those weren't exactly medicine and more a form of sick entertainment.
My family doesn't believe in doctors. I am not included in this. I love doctors. I practically have Munchausen's syndrome, I love the doctor's office so much. The reason I love to go to the doctor is because it feels both luxurious and defiant to me because as a child, I was never taken because my parents don't believe in doctors. I never even had vaccines until a few years ago when I went to college. My parents and my mother's mother think that doctors are part of some vast conspiracy to make people sick on purpose (I think the Bilderbergs are making them do it to control the population or something) so that they can continue to make money off of sick people and of course the big pharmaceuticals are part of it too. Modern medicine is a scheme designed to kill people and profit off of them at the same time. Doctors are evil and can't be trusted and none of them know a thing anyway. Doctors make you sick instead of healing you. Never mind the millions of people whose lives have been saved or prolonged due to medicine and drugs. Forget all those sick kids who got to get well and grow up and all the infertile people who got to have children. Ignore the fact that we've pretty much wiped out things like polio and small pox which used to be devastating. Or what about the fact that without modern medicine, I would have probably ended up in an institution from my hyper-thyroidism a couple years ago until I had a heart attack from it and died crazy at a young age? A simple procedure, discovered by doctors, fixed me in a couple short months and now I'm fine. But nope, doctors are evil.
And according to my family, you can basically cure anything with the above six items.
My family believes in magic bullet, miracle cure-alls. It can't be a combination of factors that lead to healing. It can't simply be the natural course of healing. No way. It's always some miracle cure that's often some simple item that the government or doctors or drug companies have somehow suppressed knowledge of in order to keep people sick and dependent on more expensive drugs.
The first miracle cure-all my family discovered was tea tree oil. For years my mother put it on everything. Our entire house reeked of turpentine from it and my mother has a very funny accent so when she says it, it sounds like "TEAtree AWL." As in "You need ta put some of this TEAtree AWL on your (yeast infection, canker sore, male pattern baldness etc.)"
ST 37 came from Memere Marie. She buys it at Walmart, but it's important to understand that you must specifically ask for it at the pharmacy. They hide it behind the counter. Memere puts this on EVERYTHING although the box says it's a medicinal mouth rinse. The last time I was at her house I slammed my hand in a cabinet and she went running for the ST 37 and some cotton balls. She is convinced that no matter what you've done to yourself, if you put ST 37 on it, it will heal overnight. You lost your arm in a combine accident? No problem. Put some ST 37 on the stump and in the morning, you'll have grown a whole new arm. A better arm even. She swears she cured someone of Lyme Disease from a deer tick bite, by soaking the rash in ST 37.
This year my mother discovered oregano oil from the Eyebrow People, who swear by it, and obviously one should always take medical advice from a bunch of 20 somethings with lines cut in their heads. My mother embraced oregano oil like it was the elixir of life itself. Every time I went to her house it was oregano oil this and oregano oil that. If anyone so much as sneezed in her house she was shoveling clear, yellow, pizza scented capsules down their throats. IT CURES EVERYTHING. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't have shingles at all, but instead has a blistering rash caused by oregano toxicity. It seems that oregano oil has become the new tea tree oil.
My family has been obsessed with raw apple cider vinegar forever. It also cures pretty much everything. Tuberculosis, pancreatic cancer. Yeah, just take a spoonful of apple cider vinegar. I've had heartburn for my entire life. My mother swears apple cider vinegar cures it. I tried it. My heartburn got worse. It felt like something was eating a hole straight through my chest. Because adding acid to more acid is going to neutralize the acid? I see the logic there.
With my mother's current bout of shingles (or we think since she refuses to go to the doctor for the rash) she believes she has cured herself by soaking the blisters in apple cider vinegar and by taking Tagamet. Yet Tagamet is an actual drug, made by an actual drug company. She makes an exception. The reason why is because she found some article somewhere on the Internet that said something about Tagamet (an antacid) being miraculously discovered to be a immune booster and good for shingles and of course the drug companies suppressed this valuable information in order to promote the more effective antivirals like Valtex and Famvir (which actually work well against herpes infections like shingles). So because Tagamet is part of a conspiracy and its use can somehow be deemed subversive, my mother has decided that taking Tagamet is an act of defiance against The Man of Big Pharma and is therefore ok. By taking Tagamet for likely shingles, she is really sticking it to the big drug companies. She's not taking their Valtrex when she can take some heartburn meds from Walgreens instead! She's practically a revolutionary. And guess what? Of course she has declared it a miracle cure. The shingles were practically gone in less than 24 hours after her first tablet.
Half of the stuff I think she contributes to miracle cures is just the illness or injury clearing up on its own in the normal amount of time.
Last on this list is Bova Cream. I don't know what it is. It sounds like something for cows. Memere Marie swears by this one too. She sends it to everyone in the family after writing all over it in Sharpie "DO NOT GET IN EYES." Apparently something awful can happen if you get Bova Cream in your eyes, but I don't know what it is. I've been tempted to rub it into my cornea just to see what might happen. I mean, if I blinded myself I could always add a few drops of tea tree oil, rinse my eyes with ST 37, pop some oregano oil pills, down a spoonful of apple cider vinegar and then take a Tagamet and I'd probably restore my sight instantly. Right?
Try these remedies at your own risk, and if they don't work you can always pour straight peroxide into your ears.
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