Thursday, February 25, 2010


Sam has lived with my parents since before Thanksgiving and somehow I haven't gotten around to telling you about him. I have no idea how that happened. I mean, you think a pimp/ male prostitute becoming a part of our family would have been deemed immediately blog worthy, right? I don't know what got into me. Maybe it was all that worrying about my birth control methods failing. Ahem.

Sam is Velva Haux's ex boy-toy. They lived together for a year or so, give or take. You recall that Velva is the madam who used to live in a gigantic mansion in my parents' neighborhood? She's totally out of her mind. She's since moved somewhere else, thank god. She even unfriended me on Facebook, but that's another story. The nerve. She said my family was trash. Can you imagine? A skanked out ho calling us trash? Child, please.

Part of the problem in Velva and Sam's relationship was the fact that because of the economy, she started servicing clients herself. In addition to that, Sam was almost twenty years her junior. Velva's a nasty old cougar and she likes young guys because she thinks she can control them. She didn't let Sam work and paid him to pretty much go to the gym and just be at her beck and call all the time, which would have been ok maybe had she actually been nice to him. Velva though is crazy and with her crazy comes mood swings and delusions that make her rage for no reason. She's also a drug addict and an alcoholic. This caused the biggest problems because Sam has been sober for two years. He is a former heroin and pill addict who is really active in NA and runs meetings and has made it his whole life. He's really passionate about being sober. It's always confused me how, if he was so serious about being clean, that he would choose to shack up with an active addict. People are just confusing.

Sam is just a big old, golden retriever of a guy. Without the seediness of drugs in his life, he's practically a 1950s Mormon. He just has this sunny personality and aw shucks-ishness about him. He almost seems kind of innocent. I know that makes no sense given his ex girlfriend and his current "job" but you just have to see it for yourself. He's the kind of guy who likes board games and romantic comedies and whenever he goes to someone's house, he's always the one washing dishes and taking out the trash. He enjoys family nights and Disney. He's like a big, sweet kid.

Velva liked Sam for his looks. He is a former model and an aspiring actor. He looks like Matthew McConaughey. Women throw themselves shamelessly at him wherever he goes and I've always thought that has to be a troubling way to live. People treat him like an object of lust all the time. He can't go out of the house without getting propositioned. I've even seen straight men become completely enamored of him. Luckily, Sam doesn't do it for me at all. Not my type.

When Velva and Sam had a big blowout last summer, she threw him out and having no job, he had nowhere to go. He decided to go to LA to try to make it big. He rented a room, met some nice people at meetings, some of whom were on Celebrity Rehab, not mentioning names, and started getting some small modeling and extras gigs. It was ok. He was making a little steady money and he had auditions.

This is about the time when my parents rolled the RV out to California last summer. He started hanging out with them and then Sam got a call for an acting job where he had to play a male prostitute on a very well known talk show and make it look like he was the real deal. The whole thing was staged. He even used a fake name. Sam did not tell his parents about this because they are extremely conservative and wouldn't approve of him even playing a character like that. They never knew about Velva. Sam, being so wholesome, didn't want to do the show, but he needed the money and was convinced it was harmless.

Two things happened because of the show.

First, Sam's brother is a doctor. Sam's brother the doctor was doing his rounds when he went into a patient's room and the patient was watching the talk show that Sam was on. He looked up and said "Oh my God there's my little brother using a fake name and OH MY GOD he's a male prostitute." He called their mom and dad who were extremely distressed. They called Sam and he had to explain that it wasn't real, but they were still upset anyway. How he thought he could get away without anyone knowing he was on the show is beyond me.

The second thing that happened as a result of the show is that Sam became an overnight, instant Internet sensation. People were searching out his fake name because they wanted to hire him. Women were flipping out contacting the show and the show had to forward all the emails they were sending to him. Suddenly, journalists wanted to do stories about something that wasn't even real. Sam decided to capitalize and made a website to sell advertising. He made an email account for his new alter-ego and it was flooded with fan mail and requests that I don't even want to imagine.

One woman who was terminally ill wrote and said that her dying wish was to sleep with him and that she would pay all of her savings. It was like he was the Make a Wish Foundation of sex work. Tragic. I couldn't believe that one. He wrote her back and nice letter and sent her some stuff, but he didn't do it. The thing is, Sam WOULDN'T do something like that, but because of all the google searches, he was making some decent ad money and pretty quickly.

Do not ask me how because I don't know, but somehow this mushroomed into Sam starting a male escort service. Life imitated art, I guess. I'm a bit confused on the whole thing. Apparently it's legal because the guys just go on dates with the women and that's ok (??). I don't know how it all works and I don't want or need to. The way it was explained to me is that Sam is like a headhunter for male escorts. People go to his once fake website, call him up and he directs them to escorts who have contacted him and then they pay him a fee for finding them clients? Something like that?

So now Sam has this weird double life. On one hand he is Sam, the board game playing, sober living golden retriever that we love. On the other hand, he has his dark side, the character created on a talk show who ironically came to life because a bunch of horny women thought he was the hottest thing they'd ever seen. But this character isn't Sam, in spite of his admittedly troubled past and all, and all the women who write him endless, flowery love letters, just objectify him and project upon him whatever fantasy they have of what they want him to be.

Well, after the show, Sam decided he wanted to move back to Florida. I don't know why. I missed this part of the story. He didn't have a place to stay, so he asked my parents and you know what they said. They like having him around because he's nice and cleans up. He organized their garage even and it looked like something off of Hoarders. He even does yard work and washes the cars. Sam is their houseboy and we all enjoy his company.

During the day he's sunshiney Sam. At night, he is his alter-ego and does his "work." I don't think he makes a lot of money because if he did, he wouldn't be living with my parents, right? I don't know how that works. Maybe he just likes it at their house. Logic has never been a part of anything related to my parents or their friends, so I should stop trying to apply it.

Occasionally Sam shows us the letters and "sexts" he gets from women, some who know him from the show or the site, and others who pick him up randomly when he's out and about. These have led me to believe that the general population of women is far more insane than I had originally estimated. Sam has stalkers.

But Sam has a kind of girlfriend and we kind of like her. Her name is Bingo and she is her own story.


Melanie said...

Honestly, I don't know how I managed to get through life in the years before your blog. I really look forward to all the bizarre tales that I read here!

Dayna said...

Ditto to what Melanie said. I really get upset when you are dying sick, working, or just chosing to participate in your personal life and can not post.

MtnMama said...

I don't know, but it sounds to me like your parents house is the perfect place for Sam. He probably is lonely for sane people who just want to be nice to him. And if he is as pleasant and helpful as you say, he's the perfect houseguest. Win-win. Far more logical than the hoards of others you've told us about! ;)

Jean_Phx said...

Did they just do a piece on Sam on the Sunday Morning show with Mo Rocco? If so, you're right he really is a handsome guy! And what Melanie said.

tallbladeofgrass said...

I've been an avid reader of your blog for some time, although I don't think I've ever commented. I especially love all of your stories about crazy Florida people (crazy anywhere people, really). So, when I read this article, I thought of you immediately.

"Megan Mariah Barnes, 37, crashed into another vehicle on Cudjoe Key after giving her ex-husband the wheel as she shaved her private parts.

Barnes was driving to meet her boyfriend in Key West and told authorities she wanted to be 'ready for the visit,' reported."

Now that's what I call class.

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