Thursday, February 04, 2010

Clear Teeth

Teeth are not like fine china. You shouldn't be able to read a book through them. You shouldn't bleach your teeth so much that you can't tell the difference between your real teeth and the whitening trays. But that is what Georgia Helton had done, by her own admission, and she really didn't seem all that concerned for her dental health. It was all about appearance.

The next day we got to meet Maizee, Georgia's 6 year old, Jonbenet clone and the way she treated this child was far more disturbing than the fact that she had made her teeth transparent. Georgia was a pageant mom, like you see on "Toddlers & Tiaras." She was a rabid, competitive, shallow, overbearing nightmare of a woman, obsessed with her child's appearance and success in events with names like "Miss Pig Wallow Grand Supreme of the Universe" which are held in mildewy Holiday Inns off of highway exits in remote South Carolina towns.

"Maizee's won 179 trophies," Georgia bragged as we stood in line.

We went to Disney World that day and Georgia made us all late because she had to get Maizee's spray tan and hair pieces just right. My sister and I gasped when we saw that the child was wearing eyeshadow, lip gloss and fake eyelashes.

"I want to get her on a Disney program and you just never know who's walking around one of those parks. I want to be ready. People get discovered all the time by agents and producers just out in public, so you have to be prepared," was Georgia's explanation for this bizarre behavior.

Now, there was something very strange going on with this child's mouth. Little kids usually have tiny teeth with little spaces in between. Six years old is prime tooth losing age, so you expect a little girl to have some gaps or some adult teeth mixed in with the baby teeth. Not Maizee. She had a mouth of huge, white squares to rival any Kennedy and it just looked, well, weird on a little child. Looking back, she should have been Lenny Conn's kid with those teeth.

"Maizee, I told you to SMILE!" Georgia said jerking on her daughter's arm.

"I ca taw wi dis tin in ma mouf!" Maizee complained.

My sister and I wondered what she was talking about.

"I didn't spend all that money on a flipper for you to keep your mouth closed honey!"

"What's a flipper?" I asked.

"Oh, it's a mouth piece for children to make them look better. You know how kids' teeth are so ugly, especially when they lose them. Maizee looks like a jack o lantern. It's hideous. A producer wouldn't look twice at her without perfect teeth."

"So it's fake teeth for kids? Really?" I asked.

"Yes, it clips right in over their gums and baby teeth and gives them a perfect smile."

Oh Dear Lord. And that is when I realized that if someone has invented such a thing, that my grandmother is right and we are definitely living in the End Times and Jesus and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse should show up any minute.

If you want to see this nonsense for yourself, check out some of these disturbing pictures and you'll know what we were dealing with here.

Later that night they left poor Maizee with a sitter, who hopefully let her take that thing out of her mouth, and we went out to dinner again. My family has a tradition that when we go to Orlando, we always go to Ghirardelli and get ice cream sundaes. I thought Georgia, who again didn't eat any actual food, would be into this. Sugar and all. But no.

"It's kind of weird," she said.

"What is weird about ice cream sundaes?"

"I don't know. The nuts on top. The chocolate here is weird. Whipped cream. Like, what IS that?"

"Cream that's whipped," I said.

"Do you feed your child actual food?" my mother demanded.

"She doesn't eat and that's fine with me because I don't want her getting fat. But her school called me and complained she wasn't eating any lunch so now I go in everyday and sit beside her during lunch so the teachers and mean old cafeteria ladies can't say anything to her about it."

I thought my mother was going to pass out. I almost passed out myself. My sister, who is less patient than the rest of us, practically stabbed Georgia with the end of her long handled sundae spoon to get her to stop spewing nonsense. I doubt it would have worked.

We were so glad when Dr. John and Georgia left us alone for the rest of our trip. We all, unanimously were disgusted by this woman.

A few months later, Dr. John, who had stopped coming down on the weekends, came back. Her had bought Georgia a big fancy house in a gated, golf community and they lived together, but in only a month they were having problems. Georgia called him cheap. It was this first weekend back visiting us that we learned more of his history with her. He had met Georgia seven or eight years prior. Guess where? Mmm Hmmm. A strip club. Georgia was a stripper. She and the doctor started dating, but it turned out that he wasn't the only customer she saw outside of work. They dated, then she dumped him. A full year and a half after she dumped him, she showed back up with a two month old baby. Do the math here. It's important. A year and a half is eighteen months. It takes nine months to be pregnant, so subtract nine months and you still have nine left. The baby was two months old. You have seven months left now. That means Georgia got pregnant a full seven months after dumping Dr. John and in that seven months they had had zero contact, so anyone with a brain can figure out that this is not his child. Somehow she convinced him it was and made him give her thousands of dollars every month, which he did, even though he admitted that he didn't think Maizee could be his.

"Look at her allergies though!" Georgia would say, because remember Dr. John and Maizee (and half the population) suffered from hay fever.

It's not hard to get a DNA test, especially in these Maury Povich times we live in where no one knows their baby daddies, but Dr. John never pursued it. He just paid and paid to this now former stripper and her protegee progeny. Then in 99, they got back together, he bought the house and they lived together for approximately two entire months before she kicked him out on his ass again and took all his stuff.

Well that was it. Dr. John said he'd had it with Georgia and went to live in his office again. Apparently, he did not learn his lesson and started going to strip clubs again. That's where, two years after Georgia dumped him for the second time, he met Princess Head.

My mom started calling her that and it just caught on. Her real name was Jennifer and she was a skank, the likes of which people outside of Florida, Las Vegas or LA rarely get to encounter.

Princess Head was itty bitty, teeny tiny. She maybe weighed 80 pounds and was barely five feet tall. She also had giant breast implants and a severe case of Tanorexia. The worst I've seen, in fact. She looked like she spent most of her day sitting in a bath tub filled with espresso. I didn't know that skin could turn the color hers did and of course, in addition to the tanning bed time, she used strange tinted lotions to further the effect. She could not get herself dark enough. She also had very long, very straight auburn hair, so with her weird skin color and that hair, she looked a bit on the monochromatic side. Her eyes were brown too, but you could barely see them because they were constantly hidden by her bangs which for some reason, she liked long and hanging in her eyes sheepdog style. The most prominent feature on this girl's face were her teeth. The teeth again. You could always see her teeth because she was one of those stupid, slack jawed, mouth breathers who can never close their mouths.

Princess Head told everyone she was a swimsuit model and let me tell you, if this girl was a swimsuit model, then I'm on the cover of Cosmopolitan. No, Princess Head was another stripper and another fleecer just like Georgia. She was 28 and had a fourteen year old daughter. Do the math again. I know I'm asking you to perform a lot of calculations today, but this is important. This is stripper math and they don't teach it in school. Princess Head had her first child when she was 14! And she had three kids total! By different men. You know how I'm always talking about red flags and how you need to spot the red flags early on and run screaming in the other direction? This is a big red flag. If you are 28 and have three kids all by different men and the oldest child you had when you were fourteen and you are a stripper, there are issues. Issues people. This is probably not someone you want to date. Not like Dr. John would have listened to me though.

Dr. John brought Princess Head down to visit with us on the weekends and she too wouldn't eat anything. She thought all of our food was weird. Having worked in a strip club myself (FULLY CLOTHED) I know that South Florida strippers are pretty worldly and will eat all kinds of things. They pretty much live on sushi. If you ever want to make a crap ton of money, open a sushi restaurant right next to a strip club. I'm not kidding you. But apparently, Central Florida strippers are not so adventurous in the culinary department. My theory on this is that they were all raised in bad conditions and abject poverty where they weren't exposed to many foods and thus, never developed a palate that can handle anything more sophisticated than Campbells tomato soup. Yes, I think about these things. The palates of strippers. I could write a research paper on the topic.

Mostly when Dr. John and Princess Head would come down, we wouldn't see them. They'd arrive Friday night. We'd eat dinner and go to bed. They'd get up at the crack of dawn and come home around 9:30pm with bags and bags and bags. They'd shop for twelve hours straight. We have some ok malls here and we have this giant outlet mall called Sawgrass Mills, which I believe is the gateway to Hell itself, and Princess Head would hit them all. Personally, I think they should have stayed in Orlando if that's all they were going to do because Orlando has the same stores, nice malls and outlets too. Possibly more than we have.

I have never seen someone shop like this girl. It was just blatant, outright, shameless excess. How much stuff can a person have or want or need? How can someone just take and take and take from another person like that? I would die. Do you know that I never ask my husband for money, that he's never taken me shopping ever in seven years and that I would be mortified if he did? A couple times he's tried to buy me something at the mall and I'm always guilty and ashamed and have never let him do it. I buy my own stuff and I like it that way. I don't even like him to get me birthday presents or Christmas presents.

Can you guess what happened? Dr. John went broke. He spent all of his money on Princess Head. Then what?

She dumped him, of course. That was two years ago.

Dr. John moved back into his office and started working and working and working trying to build his savings back up. He downgraded his car and laid off employees. Luckily there are plenty of people who need brain surgery, so he started to get back on his feet. When your job pays millions, you're free of whores, you live in your office and eat pretzels for dinner, I guess it doesn't take too long to recover your losses.

But when you have money, the whores can sniff it out and they come prowling back.

Dr. John didn't come to my sister's wedding. This was highly unusual. He is like a part of the family. There was no call, no card, nothing. My sister was hurt and we were all worried. This was really not like Dr. John. My dad called and called. Nothing.

Finally, a couple weeks ago my parents went to Orlando for the weekend and went to Dr. John's office. He was there. Everything was fine. He acted like nothing happened and claimed he had the swine flu and missed the wedding because of that. They made dinner plans for that evening.

When my parents walked into the restaurant, they were shocked to see that Dr. John and Georgia are apparently back together for round 3. My mother almost fainted. And oh, they've moved back in together. And ten years later, Maizee is 16, never been discovered and still forced to participate in pageants against her will.

She showed my mother a picture of the poor kid.

"I want to get her eyes done. I already had her nose fixed, but her eyes are bothering me. She's getting some hooding on the lids and I think that's why she hasn't gotten Grand Supreme and why she's not qualifying for Miss Teen Orange County. It's definitely that hooding. I have a good doctor and I'm taking her for a consultation. But uggh, her hair. Look how thin her hair is. You know, I think she has alopecia. I get her extensions, but I can get her hair full enough. She has disgusting hair. See it. See how thin it is? I've had to spend fifty thousand dollars on extensions from India to try to fix the problem, it's so severe."

Fifty thousand dollars on hair extensions for hair loss probably caused by the stress of having a mother who wants to get a sixteen year old's eyes done.

Guess who's paying for it. Some people never learn.


kerry said...

Creepy pictures. The baby pageant thing is strange and I've never understood it. I'm not sure I want to.

MtnMama said...

You’ve confirmed for me two things that I’ve been adamant about the raising of my daughter. First, she’s a smart and talented blonde haired, blue eyed beauty. She seriously probably has some real stage acting in her future, even if it never goes farther than school or community theater. But I have the ghost of Jon Benet in my head, and I have NOT let her get anywhere NEAR anyone who would want to “do her up” at her young age (she’s almost 6). So at this stage in her childhood, “dressing up” is completely on her terms and out of her dress up box, mismatched fun stuff and plastic jewelry. No makeup. The only time she lets me do anything to her hair besides wash and brush it is to maybe put it in ponytails. In my mind, As it Should Be.
Second, I waited til she was 6 months old to begin feeding her “solid food”, and I began with vegetables. She doesn’t eat breakfast cereal. She wasn’t given a lot of “child’s meals” when we went to restaurants, instead, I always made a plate for her from my plate (heaven knows restaurant servings are more than adequate for this). As a result, she loves vegetables – steamed, without needing to be smothered in Velveeta – has a preference for a wide variety of foods, loves fish and seafood, and isn’t a picky eater. The only food thing of any concern is her chocolate milk habit, which at 6, I’m not too worried about.
You write so well. But this one really made my day. Thanks.

Suzanne said...

Between working in a hair salon and as a waitress, I thought I had met some unique people in my life. These stories take the cake.

Gloria said...

What I would like to know is why social services did not attempt to take this child away from her mother who has clearly been abusing her. It makes me sad that women like this can pop out babies, and there are other women who would make fantastic mothers struggle to conceive. I hope when Maize turns 18 she runs like hell to Oregon or some place far away. Can you imagine the psychological damage caused my your mother telling you you aren't attractive? Shame on Georgia. Shame. Shame. Shame. I'm sorry it really makes me so ill.

JoeinVegas said...

Strippers are used to taking and taking and giving nothing back but an extra shake in John's direction, maybe a smile.
I like that like, LA, Vegas or Florida. Having lived in the first two I guess I better visit the latter, I'd feel right at home.

Johnny Virgil said...

Wow. Never again will I complain about my wife's white trash family. OK, maybe not never again. But not for a couple of days anyway.

Anonymous said...

I suppose it would never occur to Georgia that the reason for the thinning of the hair or lack thereof could be from nutrition problems. Afterall, you did mention that Maizee doesn't eat. Wow, what a train wreck.

UmmFarouq said...

Wow. The images pf Georgia were so vivid. Reminded me of a dental hygienist my old dentist (rest his soul) used to employ--except she was actually smart--who bleached her teeth so much they turned a flourescent kind of blue, and her skin looked like sun-baked leather.
When you say "Central Florida," that wouldn't be Cocoa or Cocoa Beach, now would it?

dissed said...

That was amazingly, deliciously trashy. More, please.

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