Friday, January 29, 2010
4:56 PM | Posted by Wide Lawns | | Edit Post
I'm hosting my book club at my apartment tonight. I've never hosted before and I'm a little nervous. I want everything to be perfect. I'm a little embarrassed of where I live (and now thanks to you people, of my rug too) because everyone else lives in big, nice houses. They also all have kids. We had to suspend book club for two years because everyone except me got pregnant. But I decided to be brave with my childless self and offer to host book club in an apartment. I think it will be fine.
Hosting book club caused me to obsess over the cleanliness of every square inch of my apartment. What if there was pee under the toilet seat? What if there are hairs on the bathroom floor or something looks grimy in the kitchen and people think I'm dirty? To avoid this and to calm these thoughts, I cleaned and cleaned. Last night, by the time I was done, my apartment looked like it had been on one of those shows where they take messy people's houses and throw out all their stuff and rearrange their furniture.
This morning, I cooked all the food and went about organizing for the evening's event. Then I saw it.
I don't know how I missed this, but there was a condom under my coffee table. I don't know how it got there. I don't really WANT to know, if you know what I mean and there's a distinct possibility that I DO know how it might have gotten there and don't want to admit it. I don't know how I cleaned my whole apartment and missed a condom under the coffee table.
Can you imagine? What if I hadn't seen it? How awkward would that have been? I bet everyone in book club would have noticed it and been to polite, or mortified, to say anything. Then, on the way home, they'd all call one another and be like "OH MY GOD did you see the condom under her coffee table?? What is she doing? She can't be in book club anymore. No wonder she doesn't have any kids like the rest of us."
I would die, DIE, if my guests had found that. Thank God I caught it in time.
I like to try to find meaning and messages hidden in everything. There is a lesson in this for me. In fact, there are a couple.
1. Get a new coffee table because that thing is so big that you can't see condoms under it.
2. Stop using condoms and get over your pathological and irrational phobia of pregnancy and things like this won't happen.
3. Eww, that rug really is as ugly as everyone said it was and looks even worse in photos. Get to IKEA immediately.
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