Friday, January 29, 2010

Under the Table


I'm hosting my book club at my apartment tonight. I've never hosted before and I'm a little nervous. I want everything to be perfect. I'm a little embarrassed of where I live (and now thanks to you people, of my rug too) because everyone else lives in big, nice houses. They also all have kids. We had to suspend book club for two years because everyone except me got pregnant. But I decided to be brave with my childless self and offer to host book club in an apartment. I think it will be fine.

Hosting book club caused me to obsess over the cleanliness of every square inch of my apartment. What if there was pee under the toilet seat? What if there are hairs on the bathroom floor or something looks grimy in the kitchen and people think I'm dirty? To avoid this and to calm these thoughts, I cleaned and cleaned. Last night, by the time I was done, my apartment looked like it had been on one of those shows where they take messy people's houses and throw out all their stuff and rearrange their furniture.

This morning, I cooked all the food and went about organizing for the evening's event. Then I saw it.

I don't know how I missed this, but there was a condom under my coffee table. I don't know how it got there. I don't really WANT to know, if you know what I mean and there's a distinct possibility that I DO know how it might have gotten there and don't want to admit it. I don't know how I cleaned my whole apartment and missed a condom under the coffee table.

Can you imagine? What if I hadn't seen it? How awkward would that have been? I bet everyone in book club would have noticed it and been to polite, or mortified, to say anything. Then, on the way home, they'd all call one another and be like "OH MY GOD did you see the condom under her coffee table?? What is she doing? She can't be in book club anymore. No wonder she doesn't have any kids like the rest of us."

I would die, DIE, if my guests had found that. Thank God I caught it in time.

I like to try to find meaning and messages hidden in everything. There is a lesson in this for me. In fact, there are a couple.

1. Get a new coffee table because that thing is so big that you can't see condoms under it.

2. Stop using condoms and get over your pathological and irrational phobia of pregnancy and things like this won't happen.

3. Eww, that rug really is as ugly as everyone said it was and looks even worse in photos. Get to IKEA immediately.

26 comments:

jm_kaye said...

Get a glass coffee table!

Rose said...

sweetheart, ugly or not your rug is not covered in legos or transformers or my little ponies so your are doing good Just dim the lights and light lots of candles. Or and wine and chocolate

Lunch Buckets said...

At least it was a -wrapped- condom.

Wide Lawns said...

I thought the same thing.

Handy Man, Crafty Woman said...

Ha! If they were to see that condom, they'd probably think "geez, I miss my footloose and fancy-free pre-child days" and be insanely jealous of all your fun! :-D

BeerPup said...

I found a used one, once, at my professor's house, stuck in the sofa next to a necklace. I accidentally touched it! Only one other person saw it happen before I shoved it back where I found it. Then I washed my hands for about half an hour. It was a couple of years before I told the professor about it. She apologized, and then we laughed about it.

So, important health and safety tip: don't have any students over to your house the day after you have a hot date with a guy half your age. Just sayin'.

jennifer said...

arrg..i hosted a small drama club meeting while in college living in a large house w/ 8 people but none of us were 0into hard drugs. Out of nowhere this girl pops in from across the street and asks us if we want to buy any heroin.... wanted to die

Joy said...

I love irony. Do these people read? Could they find your blog...LOL. They might find out about your condom after all. Wrapped condoms strewed around the place just show that you are prepared for anything. It shows that you have been paying attention to what happens when you don't use one (see other comment about legos everywhere) and it would I am certain just lead to unneccessary jealousy. So I am glad you found it and I hope it all went well.

Next we need to work on this urge to be perfect. Now that's a recipe to drive yourself insane isn't it.

Sixteen Chickens said...

As long as it's not used it's all good in my book.

Sinclair said...

Being 36 and childless I find myself feeling guilty for having too much fun with hubby and enjoying way too much my selfish life.

World population will reach 6 billion people in 2011, does the world really need more of us?

the Bag Lady said...

Yup, could have been worse - could have been a used condom...... eeeuuuwww.
Years ago, we had a much-older, recently divorced fellow staying with us for a couple of weeks. I found a used condom in my washing machine. In spite of the fact that I knew it had just gone through the wash, I compulsively washed my hands several times throughout the day....

Almost American said...

Hmm - if it got forgotten there, maybe it was because it should have been used, and therefore there is a good chance that you are now in fact pregnant??

Ordinary Housewife said...

You are simply not old enough. When you're my age (that makes me sound like an old crone, but I have to say it) When you're my age, you would love for your friends to find a condom under your coffee table. That would make you the coolest member of the book club.

Green said...

Dude. If they would talk smack about the condom under your table, then these are not friends. These are uptight fuddy duddies.

Also, this was why I had no friends in FL. Everyone either had kids, or didn't have kids but spent every night snorting coke off whores in South Beach, while I prefer to snort my coke off a coffee table that's covering a condom.

Anonymous said...

kitty cat + condum = oh my god .
Got to
Love
Them

Frack It said...

Good thing you found it!If you hadn't, I'm sure those women would have broken their hands trying to call someone on the way home.

kerry said...

I'm 40 and childless and (in contrast to Sinclair, I do not feel guilty at all.

Having a condom under your coffee table marks you as a responsible person- that you won't be having kids unless and until you decide you want to, and are ready.

I'm sure your book club party will go great! I hope you get to relax and have some fun.

Life in the mom lane said...

I would've thought "she's lucky she's getting some" ;)

LittlePea said...

HA! I don't think I've ever left a comment before but I had to after this post! I was laughing so hard! Anyone seeing that condom probably would have been jealous not grossed out. Good thing my book club meets in a church building, I don't expect to see any condoms in there!

BTW the rug isn't bad. OH and I'm the only one in my circle who hasn't had a bunch of kids yet too. I get treated like a fraction of a woman or some kind of social outcast--what's up with that?

Anonymous said...

Dear WL,
Ignore everyone who said your rug is ugly, it's not, it's elegant and fancy looking and goes perfect with the room. Also, I think you are actually very maternal re; your kittycat and think you and your husband would make lovely,loving, perfect parents.
Lil Skraps

Fancy Schmancy said...

Lol @ anonymous "kitty cat + condom = omg". Maybe you should throw that one out, unless you like taking a chance that Canella has a hand (or a claw) in your birth control decisions.

Karen said...

I just want to tell you; I like your rug. K?

Lou said...

It's not a horrible rug. But it does do a good job of camouflaging dirt, condoms, etc.

Twisted Susan is a said...

Keep the toilet cleaned and everything else will be forgiven.

the new girl said...

Oh my WORD.

THAT is a classic, my friend. What a story.

Sandra @ The Memory Workshop said...

What would have been worse...a condom or a tampon? I'm not trying to be gross, just adding some perspective :)

And please don't obsess about where you live. The size of your house has no bearing on the fullness of your life. I live in the smallest, oldest house of all my friends, and I LIKE my life. Can't say the same for most of them.

Next time someone finds a condom on your floor just say, "oh thanks! I thought I got them all. Must have missed one!" and let them try to figure out what that means ;)

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