Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A Most Unusual Wedding

I know you're wondering about this picture. Don't worry, we'll get to it. It will all make sense soon.

Many people have asked me if anything went crazily awry at my sister's wedding. I have to say that it really didn't. Yes, we had our usual, colorful group present. Nothing went wrong. At the last minute I switched out to flats, thus making my dress too long, but I felt steadier on that staircase. I didn't fall. I didn't have hysterics upon seeing my sister as a bride. It was lovely. The whole thing. The only things that were even remotely problematic were my addict relative, pre-rehab, causing a general scene and directing all of the attention to her stupid self as usual and making several other relatives have a bad time because they were babysitting her. Other than that, Velva Haux, our friendly neighborhood hooker/ escort service owner, who has been divorced at least four times, literally attacked my poor Orthodox cousin, knocking her viciously to the ground during the bouquet toss. Velva went after that bouquet like an angry Grizzly and ripped it from poor Miriam's innocent, never wed, virginal hands. Luckily, Velva didn't harm the poor girl, but the bouquet itself didn't fare so well. Petals shredded. There was an awkward moment afterwards, as you can imagine.

Other than that, the wedding was perfect. Boring even, at least in story-telling terms.

I went to a wedding last Friday you would have liked much better.

Friday afternoon my sister came over and we (ironically) were watching a marathon of "Platinum Weddings" when my phone rang.

"Did your mom tell you?" my husband asked. He called from work.

"No. What?"

"Lupo Lama is getting married."

"Oh dear," I said.

Lupo Lama is my parents' neighbor. He's an eccentric, old millionaire. He's curmudgeonly; deeply mentally imbalanced on good days and totally bat-crap, sick in the head on bad days. He looks exactly like a wolf man with a lot of moles and a dreadful dye job that looks like he brushes his plugs with shoe polish. It isn't cute. You may remember Lupo from last Thanksgiving when we discovered an insane woman in the middle of the street in front of my parents' house. He'd met her online and flown her across the country only to have her freak out on their first date and assault a cop, which landed her in jail for two days. It was a mess.

Since that, Lupo has dated several other women. His usual profile is Latina women in their 50s and naturally they all have to be nuts. He's departed from this a couple times in the past year, once dating a 37 year old, ruthless gold digger who broke his heart. Over the summer he flew a woman up from Brazil who looked 50 but said she was 34. Lupo said he was going to marry her. She spoke not a lick of English, so my husband showed them how to communicate via the Babel Fish translator. I know. They used to stand in front of the computer for hours trying to translate a conversation. When she translated that she wanted several thousand dollars to send back to Brazil, Lupo translated that he wanted her to cook and clean for him. This arrangement lasted about a month before he either threw her out or she got fed up and left.

In September or so, Lupo met a new woman who was not Latina, spoke English and was age appropriate. She is in her 50s and has grown children. She looks exactly like a blow up sex doll. The woman can barely move because she is inflated with so much collagen and Juvederm. Her eye job made her eyes look big and round. In fact, everything on this woman is big and round. The Botox gives her its signature look of perpetual shock, as if she is at an endless surprise party. Her breast implants look like beach balls. It wouldn't surprise me if she also has butt implants, because her behind is also big and round. Everything else on her is frail and tiny. Lupo bragged when they first met that she had zero body fat. Is that even possible?

By November Miss Blow Up Doll was sporting a huge rock on her ring finger. Lupo had gotten engaged. His kids were livid. They're shockingly normal. I'm friends with his son and his boyfriend and they're great. Being normal, the kids were not pleased that their dad, with his long string of relationship catastrophes and three other marriages under his belt, had gotten engaged in all of 6 weeks to a woman who looks exactly like a blow up sex doll. They believe she is a gold digger. I tend to agree with them because no woman could ever possibly put up with Lupo Lama without getting a ton of money to do so. The kids wanted a prenup. They worried about their inheritances. But Lupo was in love.

We had heard through neighborhood gossip that Lupo and Sex Doll were flying off to Bali to get married. At New Year's I took tasteless bets with his kids about how long the marriage would last. I went all for it and bet that it wouldn't happen at all. Alas, I was wrong.

Then, this past Friday at about 4:30 or 5 in the afternoon, my husband calls to tell me about the wedding.

"So I guess I lost the bet," I said, "They're still going to Bali?"

"No, I mean they're getting married at 7," my husband said.

"Huh? Today?"

"Yes, and we're invited."

"No way!"

Is it sick to admit that I was excited because I knew I could write about it?

It was a small affair at Lupo's house. He'd invited all the neighbors on my parents' block. He had chicken cutlets and cold cuts, along with a nice box of wine as his wedding feast. None of his kids were present, which is sad really, and all of neighbors who don't even like Lupo were standing around the cold cuts, sipping their White Zinfandel awkwardly wondering what on earth to do or say. Because Lupo Lama doesn't have many real friends.

Luckily, a six foot five, African drag queen walked in and broke the tension.

And the six foot five, African drag queen was the date of none other than Lenny Conn, one of South Florida's most insane and notorious lawyers.

Lenny Conn married my parents almost exactly 30 years ago. He was officiating over Lupo's wedding too. It would be only the second ceremony he had ever performed. Lenny Conn, unbeknown to anyone, is Lupo Lama's lawyer.

My mother, who hates Lenny Conn, almost fainted.

The rest tomorrow, as Lenny Conn has so much back-story that he needs his own post.

You've already figured out who the Wolf Man and the Blow Up Doll are in the picture. So who is Fire Marshall Bill? Why, it's Lenny Conn, the spitting image of Fire Marshall Bill and the reason why cosmetic surgery is generally a terrible idea. I'll get into that and Lenny's long history with my family tomorrow. Hope you're enjoying this so far...


Jean_Phx said...

Oh Yeah! You're back, you're really back! I love this stuff - really missed you over the holidays. Just glad that we had Diane 'Just Humor Me' to hold us over. Thank you both.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

This is great. Are the names changed to protect the weird? Or can I google these people?

Wide Lawns said...

Names definitely changed to protect the weird and their poor suffering children. Also, no one is named Sex Doll. I hope.

Handy Man, Crafty Woman said...

AWESOME. I can't wait to read this Lenny Conn story!

Jocelyn said...

WOW! A lawyer who is the spitting image of Fire Marshall Bill. DANG, that's some good testimony right there ya'll! I'd watch that in the courtroom!

Missicat said...

I totally lost it at "nice box of wine" *snort*

Anonymous said...

Does Lenny Conn hang out over around Naples?? I was there just before Thanksgiving and saw a guy with the WORST plastic surgery I've ever seen. He looked like a mannequin....or Fire Marshall Bill.

sadi said...

Doesn't every classy wedding include the box o' wine?

Great story, I can't wait to read the rest!

Calamity Anne said...

I'd love to be a fly on the wall in your world. All we get around here are drug-induced insomniacs...which is tame compared to the people you know. Looking forward to the rest of the story!

JoeinVegas said...

I'm still jealous of all the interesting people that you know. Vegas is dull and boring by comparison.

KT said...

Amazing! I'm glad your sister's wedding was beautifully uneventful, though I am rather selfishly glad that there is a crazy wedding story after all :) Win-win!

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