Thursday, November 05, 2009

Because the Yard is Too Small for the Elephant

This is my life:

The other day my husband got a forwarded Evite to an open party. The Evite said to forward it to everyone you know and that you can bring as many people as you want to this big party that's being held this weekend. When he scrolled down, he saw that the address for the party was SURPRISE my parents' house. It is important to add that this was a coincidence. His coworker who forwarded the invitation had no idea that the party was at my husband's in-laws. Worse yet, the bottom of the invitation said that the party was not only to launch a new charity organization that makes prosthetic limbs for amputee animals, but that it was also to celebrate the birthday of Mr. Lawns and his daughter. Oh yes. That would be ME. MY NAME was on this mysterious Evite. Luckily it was only my first name, but still.

Please be advised that I had no idea about any par-tay for my birthday at my parents' house and that I had already made other plans. No it is not a surprise party because if it was my husband would have known about it and would not have allowed me to make other plans. Also he wouldn't have called me in a panic about the Evite. I also had no idea why my parents would be having a party to raise money for amputee animals.

In addition, the Evite came from a mysterious individual named Winston Toscana. I have never heard of anyone named Winston Toscana. My parents were not included on the Evite list.

I called my mother.

"Are you aware of a party/ charity event being held at your house this weekend?" I asked her.

"A BBQ. I don't know about a charity."

"You're having a BBQ?"


"Do you know a Winston Toscana? And what the fuck kind of name is that anyway? It sounds like porn!"

"No, I have no idea who that is."

My mother had to go because she was playing racquetball.

I called her the next day.

"Did you find out about this charity event?"

"Oh yes," she said breezily, "It's Vinny."

"Vinny Succatella?"

I hate Vinny Succatella, a recent addition to my parents' entourage. I told him off last Spring, but I'll get to that in a second.

"You are letting Vinny Succatella throw a party at your house?"

"Yeah, I love parties. He's paying for it. He's getting spotlights, valet parkers, food, liquor -"

"Valet parkers?"

"Yeah, it's going to be huge. He hired a DJ and he was going to bring in an elephant but the yard was too small so he's going with a white horse instead."

"An elephant?"

"No, the yard's not big enough. We're getting a white horse instead."

"A white horse? Seriously? For what? Pony rides? Are you going to have pony rides at your house?"

"It's a horse, not a pony."

"Are you going to have horse rides?"

"I don't know, I think it's decoration."

"Living things aren't decorations. Is it an amputee? Maybe it's the spokeshorse for the amputee pet foundation."

"I'm pretty sure it has all its legs. I think if horses lose a leg they shoot them, don't they?" my mom said.

I said I was pretty sure they did.

"Are you aware that my name was on this Evite?" I asked.

"It's your birthday."

"I have plans."

"So just stop by. Vinny is throwing this party for you."

"He is not. Vinny and I can't stand one another. And you don't care if someone just comes and throws some big ass crazy party at your house with a horse and a dance floor and a laser light show or whatever?"

"Hell no. He's paying for it. I think it'll be fun."

"Did you find out who Winston Toscana is?"

"Oh that's what Vinny's calling himself. You know he's eccentric."

When we hung up I nearly had a panic attack. I'm not exactly sure why, but the thought of this whole event, horse and all, makes me need to breathe into a paper bag.

Mainly it's because I hate Vinny Succatella. Vinny Succatella is weird. I don't know where in hell my parents found this idiot. He's 27 and everytime I see him he looks like he's suffering from a hell of a sinus infection. My guess is that it's coke. He's skinny and scrawny looking with a freckly complexion and he wears Ed Hardy shirts. Apparently he has money from somewhere (Lord knows what) and he spends it with no discretion at all. He spends most of his nights at the Bubblegum Kittikat sitting around in the VIP section drinking overpriced bottles of Absolut and handing out cash to strippers. He's never alone either. He has a fleet of Hummers (aren't they so five years ago already? Come on) and he and his gigantic, bedazzled posse in their Ed Hardy uniform, douche all over town together in them, just showing up at the homes of random people, univited and unannounced for impromptu parties. I can't even imagine such behavior.

Vinny and I really got into it on Father's Day. I had planned a big dinner for my dad and grandfather and was cooking at my parents' house when all of a sudden this asshole shows up with about 15 people. He brought several bottles of alcohol and platters of stone crabs and proceeded to pretty much get a party going with a bunch of strangers in my parents' backyard in spite of the fact that I had Father's Day plans. Within minutes someone was playing hip-hop and people were cannonballing in the pool. An hour later they decided to go get Chinese and there just completely went my thoughtful, elegant Father's Day dinner. I was mad as fire and decided to cuss out Vinny for rudely showing up unannounced on Father's Day and destroying my plans. I tried to explain to him that you don't just show up and party at other people's houses and that you don't use other people's nice houses to impress your friends. If you want to have a damned party, have it at your own house. If you don't have a house, then go to a club. There are plenty around here and many have pools. Vinny just did not get it. He said I insulted his intelligence and that being as intelligent and educated as I am that I should recognize someone equally as intelligent. This argument made no sense, but that's what he said. Of course because I am intelligent, I recognize the true depth and breadth of his stupidity, though I'd think that would be obvious to a slow second grader.

The thing is, is that while I find Vinny maddeningly rude, excessive and creepy, that my parents find him fun, spontaneous and endearing and it is their house not mine. I have no say in this.

All I have to say is that the SOB better get me a birthday present and it had better not be that white horse.


kerry said...

I'm with you on thinking Vinny what's-his-name is rude. Showing up unannounced and holding a party? No. Just no.

MtnMama said...

In all seriousness, stay away from your parents' house that weekend, and for god's sake I hope they have good insurance.

What a nightmare. Spontaneousness can be highly overrated, especially when it flows over into assinine self-absorbed boundary crossing.

Good Luck!

Robin said...


DiaryofWhy said...

If things go south you can always hop on the white horse and ride off into the sunset. It'll be a birthday to remember for sure!

Tamarillicent said...

Dang. I'm stressed just reading about it. MtnMama is right just stay away! Sounds like a disaster eaiting to happen to me.

Raine said...

omg, I cant believe that!! Id say that I would stear clear of the party, but with a horse (and elephant?) I might have to see whats up.

JTN said...

If it were me, I'd invite every person I know who is on a police force in a 100 mile radius and beg them to show up in uniform and bring all their friends in uniform.

My guess is the party will be rather subdued if a bunch of cops show up... and/or watch most of Vinnie's friends crap their pants.

I'd also send the evite out to every Jehovah's witness I know along with every Mormon and invite them to come witness to the crowd as a conversion opportunity.

Now *that* would be a party I'd like to see.

Joy said...

I'm with Jin on this.. Policemen will transform your birthday into a night you will be able to bear to remember.

PrudenceOctavia said...


Seriously, you couldnt make this stuff up. Never a dull moment at Wide Lawns.

and the advice is good: stay away from the party! Stay away from the party! Danger! Danger!

Sinclair said...

Call every bad ass in town who could ruin the party... while you are having a classy romantic dinner with your hubby!

BTW: Happy B-day. Get a piece of clothing at Anthropology for every candle in your cake.

It's my hubby's b-day on Saturday, are you also a Nov 7th baby?

JoeinVegas said...

Happy Birthday!!

Joy said...

Poor horse.

Travis said...

Don't stay away from the party! We need stories.

Melanie said...

I like JTN's idea.

Although my first instinct would be to give the party a wide berth, I also agree with Travis: You're a writer and I'm sure the party would provide tons of hilarious material.

Oh, and BTW, Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday!

Wow, just wow. If that guy is a druggie, keep the poor horse away from him. (I keep thinking of the mule in "Bacholor Party".

Srsly, enjoy your birthday, and do what YOU want.

Heather said...

You have the weirdest life.
But good luck, and happy birthday!

booda baby said...

Oh, happy birthday!!

It's impossible to read this story in any other way than subjectively - as in 'Vinny Shminny, it's my parents I'd want to have the talk with. Of course I wouldn't because, as you so rightly pointed out, it's their life and their home, but ... eeek.

The nice thing is it's given you a very VERY acute sense of decorum and elegance and subtlety. That's pretty cool.

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