Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Not Turning Into a Mommyblogger

Having just survived the biggest pregnancy scare of my entire life (turns out I just have a cold and an exhausting Fall schedule), please excuse me while I now go have a quadruple espresso, chased by an aspartame laden Diet Coke and a sugar-free Red Bull, while wearing perfume, getting acrylic nails, not taking vitamins, eating Advil like M&Ms with a side of unpasteurized brie as the appetizer to my tuna sandwich before painting a room with the windows closed. After that I'm going to huff Sharpies for good measure and eat something microwaved in plastic. And if I feel a little sweaty, I'm going to use extra aluminum deodorant. For fun.

29 comments:

beatgrl said...

You might as well drink an entire bottle of champagne in a hot tub while you are at it.

Eponine said...

that all sounds like fun.. count me in, too!

LegalMist said...

hahaha!

It does feel like that, doesn't it?

Once I was so extremely horribly tired (and I mean sleeping 12 hours a night and still needed a nap mid-day, foggy-brained, & exhausted), I thought I must have AIDS or Lyme Disease or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or something equally devastating. Turned out I was just pregnant.

mcgrimus said...

Thank god. It's great that we live in a country where mommyblogging is a choice, and not something that is thrust upon women by circumstance.

MtnMama said...

Don't forget to go have several Xrays taken!

and maybe a nap... ;)

Living in Muddy Waters said...

AW! Now see, your mommy stories would be so good because the baby would be interacting with all the unique characters you know.

Being a mom is not so bad, if it is what you want.

Jeannie said...

You should take some cough syrup and maybe smoke a doobie too.

I have to wonder about those girls who "didn't know they were pregnant" - it's extremely unlikely but not impossible for me to be pregnant but the slightest thing being off makes me wonder - and I tell my daughter that we have to tell the world it's hers because it would just be too embarrassing if it were mine.

Wide Lawns said...

I completely forgot to mention that I'm also going to smoke a pack of Newports and drink a bottle of pink wine.

Delainie said...

Don't forget to dye your hair while you're at it! I forgot about all that crap I love that ya can't do!

jm_kaye said...

And ride a really rough amusement park ride!

staticwarp said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PREGNANCY SCARE!

Calamity Anne said...

Holy crap!!! If you can do all that and survive...you'll become my new idol!

gigiofca said...

Oh man..someone said it. Roller coaster for sure.

Anonymous said...

No, no. Drink a *box* of pink wine. ---JG

Hilary said...

Ya think maybe you could scoop out the litter box too?

Erica said...

Aww, Hilary beat me to it! Fun fact: the toxoplasmosis in cat poo is only toxic to the baby if mom is exposed to it for the first time when they're pregnant. So if you're pregnant and have been scooping for years, keep scooping. Or keep letting your significant other do it for you out of guilt, either way :)

Misfit in Paradise said...

Do all the above while at the sushi bar?

kerry said...

EEekk. I know the feeling. I've been scared a few times myself.

Glad everything's how it should be!

I was going to say that now you can go skydiving, but I know that's not your style. :)

Jean_Phx said...

Would it be a horrible thing to be a mom? You would be a kick ass mom - no doubt! (it isn't my thing but then what do I know about babies)

Anonymous said...

i think someone forgot smoking while in a tanning bed!

SkippyMom said...

You SO have to color your hair. Really.

Anonymous said...

Medical minds... toxoplasmosis comes from infected red meat. The cat has to eat this in order to get it... therefore you are more likely to be exposed handling a raw T-bone than cat shit... just saying.

I would rather be stuck in a room with thirty cats than one two year old child. My uterus has never been used and, now post menopausal, I'm very much fine with that.

~Maureen~

Anonymous said...

I'd just like to find a deoderant that worked that didn't have aluminum chlorhydrate in it. Everything else leaves me more stinky than if I shower and forget. Also it can't smell too strong. My spouse uses old spice but that makes me sneeze.

Sinclair said...

Now you can watch all the episodes of "Super Nanny" and think "Ill Behaved Children? Not My Problem"

Pickyknitter said...

I *knew* there was a reason I am single. Here I thought I was too lazy to go out and find some lovin'.

TK said...

OMFG! That's the funniest post I've read in weeks, and I've read some hysterical stuff! Bless you and thanks for making my day this early!!!

TK said...

And OMG, the frikkin' COMMENTS! Y'all had me snorting snot on the keyboard and I'm not even congested or sick or hay fever-y or anything!

Anonymous said...

In with the relief is likely a vague feeling of loss as well. I'm glad you are happy and still free. Ironic, I am allergygirl who can't do much of that stuff anyway. I don't mind avoiding the stuff personally, but occasionally I have to leave meeting early or avoid having my lip waxed because of it. And no kid to play with either. I'm all lose lose over it.

Anonymous said...

Hey, it's Betty Draper's pregnancy regimen!

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