Friday, October 30, 2009

Good News About the Economy

I know some fairly good news came out yesterday about the recovery of the economy, but I wanted to reassure you that, indeed, it really is true. The economy is getting better.

Last week I went to dinner at the Mullet House, my family's favorite, 1960s time warp of a seafood joint. The madam, Velva Haux joined us. I hadn't seen her in quite some time. Over the summer she showed up on our doorstep once, with a guy with spiked, black hair and several necklaces with various animal teeth strung around his thick neck. She wanted to know when my parents were coming back. Velva was very excited to see them again.

Last year Velva was forced to sell her enormous, waterfront, Key West style mansion with its professionally decorated, Marilyn Monroe themed interior. Business was terrible. When people are short on money the first thing they cut back on is hookers. Obviously, it's not as fun, but pleasuring yourself to internet porn can save you literally thousands. The economy got so bad that Velva's escort service almost went under. She had to lay off most of her girls, start servicing her clients personally and move into a small apartment. When Velva left the neighborhood, I feared we were entering into another Great Depression.

Velva arrived at the Mullet House dressed appropriately in her usual uniform - a spandex dress so small and tight that it practically rolled up upon itself. She wears her clothes so tiny that she constantly pulls and picks at her outfits to make sure no one can see her thong. I've never seen her wear pants. She also wears these itty-bitty numbers with big, furry, clonking Ugg boots, which makes no fashion sense whatsoever. Velva was newly blonde and freshly Botoxed. She brought with her a travel itinerary. The next day she was jetting off to Holland to meet a sheikh.

First she announced that she was building a new waterfront mansion for herself. Then, the entire time we tried to eat our fried fish and hush puppies, Velva took phone call after phone call, routing her girls to various clients around the country. Velva isn't just local. She's big time and works all over the country. Her normal dispatch girl is on maternity leave, so Velva, trusting no one else to do the job correctly, had all the calls routed to her cell phone and was filling in for the new mother, herself.

This is what our dinner sounded like:

"Well we really enjoyed wine country in the RV -"

"NOOO I said MADISON NOT LEXINGTON You dumbass!! Jesus can't you hear me??? MADISON!!!!!!!!"

Then we'd comment about how good the salad was over "OCEAN DRIVE AND 22ND!!! YES- IT'S A HOTEL!!!!!!"

The woman is loud. She shouts everything. I felt badly for our poor server. Most of the Mullet House's clientele is over eighty and none of them wear spandex, thank God. I bet they don't get a lot of madams in there. Then Velva ordered raw oysters (of course that's what madams eat) and she wanted some "minet" sauce when the Mullet House is a strictly cocktail sauce kind of establishment.

"MINET!" she kept repeating.

"Velva, it's actually mignonette and they don't have stuff like that here," I told her, but by then she had taken three more calls and routed girls to hotels in Vegas, LA and New York. The phone never stopped ringing.

At one point it did cross my mind how, umm, interesting a job it might be to serve as the dispatch girl for an escort service. Can you imagine the calls? The material? It would be priceless. The books I could write!! It was almost too tempting. I almost volunteered myself to be the regular girl's stand-in, but then I realized that this is probably not the best thing I could do for my teaching career and that really, my students need me more than a bunch of johns. The last thing I need in life is to get arrested for being involved in anything having to do with prostitution, although I'm sure I could score a book deal out of something like that and probably even get on Tyra. It's simply not worth that though. My goal is to go through life without a criminal record and also without ever having to utter the words: "Yes, of course Desiree does anal" to anyone.

But Velva has never been arrested. I asked her about this and she had an interesting, albeit I have no idea how true this could possibly be, explanation. Number one, no one pays for sex. They go on dates. Sex is optional and not a paid for service. Ok. Semantics. The women don't get paid. They get "gifts." More semantics. There's a lot of word play that goes on to make prostitution legal.

And then, more interestingly, there's Velva's story about how she helped the feds after September 11th, forever saving herself from any harassment by the authorities.

Velva's tale is that before September 11th, the terrorists, including Atta, were regulars and that she knew they were freaky and something bad was up. She just couldn't imagine what. The night before (or a couple nights before, I can't remember) the attacks they partied it up with some of her girls and were behaving oddly so Velva herself went in person to see what was going on. The terrorists paid Velva in cash, which had weird writing on it and she ending up keeping it because then September 11th happened and everything was closed and the last place she thought of going was the bank. As soon as she saw the faces of the attackers on the news, she recognized them as her clients and went straight to the authorities, handed over the cash with the weird writing and told them everything she could. This, she believes, put her in the FBIs good graces and they swore to let her operate in peace forever. I have no idea if any of this is true or not, but I do remember that the terrorists did live down here and I do remember something on the news back then about them consorting with hookers. This is the story that Velva is sticking to in any event.

But really, judging from the number of phone calls she got, prostitution is thriving. People are paying for sex again. The economy is getting better. So now you can go and buy a bunch of crap you can't afford again.


Melanie said...

It's going to be a good Christmas.


Anonymous said...

I just love your stories. They are highly entertaining and you are a very creative writer.

I just have to say that I have worked over 10 years at my current job, which I thought was very stable. Two months ago my hours were cut from 40 to 18 (that's a lot!) and it looks like my hours aren't going to be increasing any time soon. So I just can't share your enthusiasm about the economy getting better. (Sorry.)

Maria said...

Fascinating, as always.

Sinclair said...

Hahaha "Yes, of course Desiree does anal" --- the things you think about!

Boomer said...

Great story, but the economy still looks pretty bleak here on the West Coast.

Maybe Vela's clients are bankers or mortgage-brokers-turned-vulture-real-estate investors. I hear those guys are doing well again.

always in the kitchen said...

It may be getting better but DH can't find any work, his construction business is broke and we're filing bankruptcy.On top of that we're moving to my FIL's farm because we can no longer afford the mortgage.No, the bank hasn't foreclosed but why wait for the inevitable?
It may be getting better but a part of me is thinking, too little too late?

Raine said...

Im so happy that Velva is doing so well!

Dayna said...

If I wasn't such a fat ass and old as dirt(42), I would get a job working for Velva because the economy is NOT on the upswing for us. My husband is a finance director for a GM dealership, where his boss is is less than a hop, skip, and a jump from going out of business.

Metro said...

"The last thing I need in life is to get arrested for being involved in anything having to do with prostitution, although I'm sure I could score a book deal out of something like that and probably even get on Tyra."

I refer you to "Blown Sideways Through Life."

Claudia Shear, among other professions, was for a while the receptionist in an NYC brothel.

I listened to the audio book while trucking, and the experience was clearly too weird to be believed.

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