Thursday, August 06, 2009

Road Trip Commences

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am just about done packing and getting ready to leave tonight for my gigantic road trip to Millpond, which I'm really looking forward to. Much fun is to be had for me in the next week. I just know it.

I had better make sure that I remember to bring my birth certificate though, as Millpond now seems to be the hub of the "Birther" movement. All of my relatives are proud "Birthers." This should be interesting being that I'm now officially part of the University Liberal Elite. I'm bracing myself.

Now this trip I'm staying with Mommom Jewel. She lives out in the middle of nowhere in the most randomly placed apartment complex I've ever seen. It's really nice, but it's just literally in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by fields. You can see cows from her windows. It's like some farmer decided he wanted to be a developer and built an apartment complex in the middle of a pasture. Since Mommom lives in such a remote place the cell phone service is maddeningly unreliable. I can, however, get Internet from Darrell, the guy who lives above Mommom. He lets me use his wireless. I love Darrell. He drives a Viper with a license plate that says "BIG." I shit you not. BIG.

If Darrell's not around the lesbians next door will let me use theirs. They're adorable these two girls. I love them and I go say hi everytime I visit Mommom. They have two dogs named Smithers and Mr. Burns. Smithers is a chihuahua and Mr. Burns is a grey hound. I will do everything in my power to get a picture of these dogs. You will pee yourself when you see them. Never have I ever seen more perfectly named dogs. The only reason I mentioned that Mommom's neighbors were lesbians is because it makes Mommom livid when I state the obvious. She tells me it's not nice to call people names when I don't have the facts and she doesn't really know if those two young women are "that way" or not, but she doesn't think so even if one of them does look like a "fella." She thinks calling someone a lesbian is ugly, because she comes from a different universe than me. I tried to explain to her that it isn't, but she wouldn't hear of it because she really likes those two girls. She also doesn't understand that her pastor is gay too and that man he lives with - that is his ROOM MATE. I could write a whole post about how Mommom goes to the most liberal church there is and really has no clue whatsoever that she does. This never fails to crack me up. I'll save that though for when I get up there and actually go to church with her, which I plan to do.

But anyway this whole digression was basically just to tell you that while you may not be able to call me, I can write blog posts by borrowing (with permission) wireless.

You know what else cracks me up? In addition to the surrounding cows, which stink, there is also a meadow of donkeys right across the street and they are really cute. Even cuter is that Mommom calls them "dunkies." Whenever I hear her say "dunky" I can't even control myself. I just laugh hysterically, which makes her say it more and pretty soon I am running to the bathroom. Better yet, some of the dunkies are asses. One day Mommom talked for a good twenty minutes straight telling me the difference between a dunky and an ass. An ass has a black cross on its back. God gave it to it for carrying Mary to Bethlehem. Actually. This happened. But what had me going was listening to my grandmother say both the words dunky and ass a good hundred times during that conversation. I almost burst a blood vessel in my brain from laughing at her and at the end of her lecture she asked me how old I was because I was acting like a five year old. Then she said "ASS" again since it tickled me so much. This happened last October. I will try to get some photos of dunkies and asses for you all too.

So with any luck I should end up in Millpond sometime tomorrow. If we decide to stop at too many places to see nonsense off the highway and go to Waffle Houses, we should be there Saturday morning. I'll let you know when I get there.


Laurie said...

Have an awesome, safe trip and give that Mommom a hug from us - she sounds like someone I'd love to hang out with. Can't wait to see pics of those dogs, too! Have fun!!

FreeDragon said...

My landlord has donkeys which he calls jackasses. One donkey just had a baby. The baby is half the size of its mother, but her ears are just as long.

Wide Lawns said...

See. Jackasses. I couldn't not laugh at that. I bet the bebe donkey is really, really cute with the long ears. I just think donkeys are one of the most adorable creatures on God's green earth.

Robin said...

You know what's cuter than a dunkie? I MINIATURE one!!! Cutest damn thing you've ever seen especially when they get all worked up and start bucking and running around going "hee haw hee haw"!

kerry said...

Travel safely! I hope you get some great pictures - sounds like a fun place to take them. Your mommom Jewel sounds like she truly is a gem.

I'd laugh at dunkies and asses too. :) I bet they're really cute.

JoeinVegas said...

dunkies and asses and stinky cows. Hope you have fun.

Anonymous said...

I would love to see photos of Mr. Smithers and Mr. Burns, the dunkies, and the cows. Have a great visit.

Erin B. said...

What's a birther?

Anonymous said...

Your mommom sounds Irish, is she? We pronounce donkey "dunky" we also say chimly (chimney) miro (mirror) and cuzint (cousin). I love in Central Fl now though so I talk proper, Ha! LOL!

caroline said...

Thank you for telling about the dunkies and asses! You made me think about my grandmother who talked the same way. She died long enough ago that not many things bring back a memory and a smile like that.

The Fifth Sparrow said...

Dunkies and asses and cows oh my!

My great grandma used to say BeeGee for beige. And old fort cheese which is funny when you live in Canada because all the packaging is billingual and Fort is French for old.

Bon voyage.

Anonymous said...

"Dunky" is adorable. I want to train my neice to say it that way, but her mom would probably get mad at me.

P.S., Fifth Sparrow, 'fort' is French for 'strong'. I know, it doesn't make sense that it's called 'old' in English and 'strong' in French, but that's just the way these things go.

The Fifth Sparrow said...

Hey! I learned something. I always thought it was direct translation.

But now it's not as funny that she was saying Old Strong cheese instead of old old cheese.

Oh well, I still have BeeGee for memories when I go buy nylons and wool.

Oh, and mare-en-goo for lemon meringue pie.

KT said...

You know, I didn't even know what a 'Birther' was until I read this and had to Google it? Apparently the movement is not as strong in California ;)

Enjoy your stay with the dunkies and Mommom!

Anonymous said...

I read your "Summers" post and had tears in my eyes and then I'm reading this one and I'm laughing at my desk like an idiot.


- lowwall

Hillbilly Duhn said...

Be safe!

Stopping by via Aleta.

Country living could be the life for you! LOL at the donkey's and cows.

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