Friday, February 20, 2009

Some Letters of Complaint

Yesterday I was going through a box of old letters and writings and I found a letter I had received from Wendy's in 1997, which had two coupons in it that expired in 1998. The letter was a response to a letter I sent to Wendy's telling them how utterly vile the Wendy's closest to my house in Atlanta was. Now what business I had going to Wendy's back then, I have no idea, but I remember going and it being so horrifyingly filthy that for some reason my twenty-four year old self was compelled to write the corporation a letter. This seems strange because I'm not and have never been the sort of person to write a complaint letter. And even funnier, I didn't use the coupons they sent me.

The whole thing got me to thinking about what kinds of complaint letters I would write now. Here they are:

Dear Wendy's,

You are still gross. In a moment of desperation I got a baked potato at the Wendy's at my school and it was gross. I still can't look at your chili without thinking about severed fingers.

Sincerely,

WL

Dear Writers of Lost,

This week's episode was easily the lamest ever. It was as bad as Nikki and Paolo. My students could have written a tighter and more compelling, and significantly less cheesy plot line than that. For that matter, if Whiskey Marie and I got together with a pitcher of Margaritas, a monkey and a tray of brownies I am convinced that we could have done a better job too. We probably would have given the smoke monster a sex scene. But come on, Writers of Lost - how does Ben get on the plane all beat to hell with his arm in a sling and not one person bat an eyelash over it? This just wouldn't happen. Someone would have been like "Dude, what happened to you?" It probably would have been Hurley. Also, how can Kate be all like "Don't ask me what I did with Aaron this kid you're related to" and Jack just say "Ok, let's make out and then we'll get up in the morning with no sense of urgency whatsoever and have fancy orange juice." ??? How? Who would do that? The whole thing with the proxy and the shoes - stupid. Obviously you don't have to crash a damned plane to get on and off the island every time. Ben used to have a submarine didn't he? Jeez, Writers of Lost. You had better just be messing with us and next week had better make more sense.

Sincerely,

WL


Dear Marshalls and TJ Maxx,

For years I've loved you, but now we're breaking up. You have gotten too full of yourself and it's not working between us anymore because of your ego. The other day I went looking for a new purse. For many, many years you've been my source of cheap, cute purses that were all under thirty dollars. Of course I found several adorable handbags that I would have loved to have purchased had they not cost one hundred dollars and over. I even found the most darling, patent leather little clutch that looked like it came from Rampage and should have cost about ten dollars. It was $89.99. I don't come to your store for Michael Kors, Betsy Johnson, Marc Jacobs and some Italian crap I've never heard of but is still expensive. It's not fair Marshalls and TJ Maxx. People come to your stores for affordable items, not luxury couture. It's a cruel tease because when you're rifling though the bag section and you find the perfect selection you look at the price tag excitedly expecting a deal and then you are shocked and horrified to see that in Marshalls or TJ Maxx that something costs $289.99. I don't care if it used to cost twice that. It's not a deal and I don't like to be tricked like that. You suck.

Sincerely,

WL

Dear American Idol,

You have jumped the shark. You have sunk to new levels of cheesiness and stupidity. Are your producers subbing for the real writers of Lost, by the way? The mansion was stupid. The new format is stupid. Don't you know that a show is done whenever you add to the cast? Now, I kind of like the new judge. I like her better than Paula actually. Mostly I like her because she's not all strung out on Vicodin and actually makes sense when she speaks and I think she looks exactly like the pot dealing mom from Weeds, but still. Think of all the shows who added new cast members. When it happens, they're done. It means they've gotten stale and desperate. You may as well have had Paula get pregnant. But you know what American Idol, I will still watch you because I can't help getting sucked in by your crack baby stories. I'll watch because of the guy who is clearly Robert Downey Jr.'s secret love child, who lost his wife. I'll watch because I'm looking forward to hearing him spend the next several weeks singing Celine Dion songs and I'll cry because he lost his wife, which you will not let me forget and will hammer into my skull every single episode until May.

Sincerely,

WL


Your letters of complaint may go in the comments section.

28 comments:

Amblus said...

Your Marshalls has Marc Jacobs? I know that's not the point you were making but I'm jealous anyway.

Wide Lawns said...

Yes! It's shocking isn't it? Cute kitteh, by the way.

Corianne said...

I had to laugh at your letter to the writers of Lost, because it's so true. Not only the things you mentioned, but the whole improbability of Frank being the pilot of the plane...what?! The only thing that keeps me watching that show is knowing that every other effed up story line that has made no sense at the time eventually came to a conclusion, and hopefully the signature JJ Abrams mind fuck will continue in the same fashion. :)

Dayna said...

OMG! I have thought the same exact thing the last couple of times I went to Marshall's.
We want knock off for $24.99, not the real thing discouted for $389.99. What kind of freaking bargin is that?

I only watched AI when Chris Daughtry was on and voted profusely. I watch Blake Lewis's preformances on You Tube, because I didn't want to hear Simon or see Vicodin Paula.
But now for some strange reason I am watching it again. My picks were Danny, Alexis (she's a homegirl), and Anoop or Michael. So I hope Anoop gets the wild Card.

Moi said...

In London it is called TK Maxx. I have to admit, that I am not much of a fan, as I don't really have the patience to sift through the racks. However, I went with a friend once, and while waiting for her I started sifting through a rack and found a Simply Vera by Vera Wang dress in my size for £17. It clearly hadn't been priced properly, so I snatched it up, much to the chagrin of the woman standing beside me. He he he!

Laurie said...

Dear Disney Channel,

Since I was a small child I have watched you. I watched your movies, I bought your merchandise, I even visited your world.
So what the hell is up with your channel? Where is Mickey, and Donald, and Goofy? Where are the cartoons?
Every time I turn on the channel, some little sexed up tween is spouting nonsense at me.
What happened?
Wasn't this a channel for children to watch Goofy fall down, Donald to get pissed off, and Mickey to...not really do anything?
Where has my Disney gone?

Shape up guys!

Sincerely,
Laurie

Erica said...

Not to rain on your parade, Moi, but I thought Simply Vera was a line that Vera Wang did for a discount clothing chain called Kohl's here. Not that I don't love TK Maxx though - I got my favorite jacket from them!

MoxieMamaKC said...

Amen, sister! They went and "Cousin Oliver"ed up AI. I like Kara but, it's not looking good. I think it's starting to swirl the drain. Alas....

Anonymous said...

I was in TJ Maxx shopping for purses last night and I totally agree with you. My requirements for a purse that will not fit a small child, is not a hideous bright color and is under 40 bucks were impossible to meet with the 6 rows of purses and 5 freestanding diplay tables!

I also looked at girl's clothing with my daughter. Why (oh, why) do girl's clothing manufacturer's seem to think over age 6 girls should be dressing like prostitutes? After looking at several adorable dresses that were too small for my girl we found the appropriate size on the rack. Without fail every dress in her size was:
1. sleeveless or spaghetti straps
2. low cut
3. had sequins or sparkly shit on it that made it look like stripper clothing
4. was in the gaudiest colors imaginable
WTF

Missicat said...

I only go to TJ Maxx with this one friend of mine who can sense a super deal four aisles over...it's uncanny!!! I never can find deals like that on my own...
I have to admit, I never ever saw the appeal of American Idol. Ever.

Purple Hydrangea said...

I feel the same way about Big Lots as you do about TJMaxx... They have furniture from Pier1 or something and granted, it is half off the "original sticker price". However, it is still way the hell more than I will spend at Big Lots.

Anonymous said...

ross... dress for less... a bit trashier than TJ, but certainly cheaper

Purple Hydrangea said...

BTW Dayna!! your comment "My picks were Danny, Alexis (she's a homegirl), and Anoop or Michael. So I hope Anoop gets the wild Card." is almost the EXACT wording of my Facebook status last Thursday!! (except for the "homegirl" reference!) I really like Anoop, great voice, decent personality.. plus feel there is just too much :WHITE: on AI...

Brandy said...

Joe in Vegas told me to head your way...

I love the complaint letters. I think you should really send them. Maybe throw some glitter in as a little surprise.

And then of course post their response.

Books & BS said...

I have to say the same thing about Grey's Anatomy. Are the real writers on vacation or something? The stories have become so far fetched and just out there, the show no longer makes sense. I get they are planning on killing Izzy off but seeing ghosts is a bit out there...

Lucky said...

(Sorry if this is a repost - something wonky happened the last time I submitted)

"My students could have written a tighter and more compelling, and significantly less cheesy plot line than that."

Ouch! Are your students remedial writers? Usually in an [x]-could-have-done-better statement, [x] has no ability whatsoever.

Eg. My hamster could have made a better baked potato than Wendy's.

Fun post, anyway!

FreeDragon said...

Dear Nosy Neighbors-
I do not bother you in anyway. I do not play my music loud or come and go at all hours of the night thus waking you from a sound sleep. I don't peek in your windows or steal your mail. I don't leave trash bags in my yard for your dogs to tear open so that garbage gets blown over the entire neighborhood. I don't let my dogs roam free so that they can poop in your yard or tear open your trash...so stop doing these things to me! Further attempts to annoy me will results in my standing in the middle of the trailer park at 4 am screaming at the top of my lungs. Sleep tight.
BTW- stop leaving church invitations on my mailbox. I am a tree huggin', dirt worshippin' pagan and I like livin' in sin thank you very much. I don't want to discuss the state of my soul with you. But I would like to talk to you about the state of your mind.

Decorina said...

I think that the writers of Lost are actually video game designers who picked up this gig after they lost their original jobs. It makes about as much sense.

Or, it could just be a gang of drunk chimpanzees typing randomly on computers.

kerry said...

I wrote a complaint letter to Wendy's about their food and they sent me coupons, too. I hate your burgers, why would I possibly eat there? Not even for free!!

MamaD4 said...

The fact that Frank was the pilot totally gave me goosebumps, but yeah, this episode was just...off or something. What did happen to Ben? Where IS Aaron? And what about Sayid and Hurley--did Ben have to bust Hurley out of prison? Did Sayid beat up Ben? God, I love it when Sayid beats the fuck out of people, like when he snapped that dude's neck with his legs...though on a side note, I wish that he would cut his fingernails. He has seriously long fingernails, check it out sometime.

I read somewhere that the writers of Lost have promised to start answering ALL of the questions this season. Hopefully. But you have to admit that it's still the best hour of television out there!

Coolred38 said...

Dear Makers of Chocolate

I write this letter with hearfelt appeal to your better nature. Please please with all that I am I ask that you stop, for Gods sake stop!!! making such delicious and inspired chocolate concoctions in the many many variations that can do nothing but tempt the more weak willed among us.

I, being the weakest of the willed, will simply turn into a human blimp unless you declare bankruptcy and go out of business right now...without delay. You would not like that on your concious would you...I didnt think so.

I realize you will be left with tons of surplus from your self declared bankruptcy so rest assured I know just what you can do with all that left over chocolaty goodness. My address is on the envelope.

Thank you and look forward to hearing the good news of the financial channel soon...and to getting a delivery sometime later this week. Cheers.

Anonymous said...

Attention all soft drink makers and most food bought in grocery stores. Please stop filling everything with High Fructose Corn Syrup and/or hydrogenated oils. While I appreciate that they help the product sit rancid free on shelves for months, they are destroying the health and well being of all who consume them.
For a fact, I changed my high cholesterol blood work by not eating any foods that contain the hydrogenated oils or high fructose corn syrup that are pumped into most products.
And yes, I read the labels and notice how you've added sugar in front of the HFCS and it didn't fool me because I read all the way to end.
I really don't understand if it is a plot to eliminate more Americans, or just greed; either way I don't appreciate it and will not support you by buying ANY of your products.
Sincerely, a fed up consumer

Kali said...

Dear Facebook Advertisers,

In the name of all that is holy, please stop deluging my Facebook page with ads discussing how I can look as young as Angelina Jolie, Madonna and Celine Dion. Each and every one of these women make shit-tons of money and spend it on their appearance, because they need to look young and flawless in order to make shit-tons of money.

Besides, it is all a shaky illusion. Angelina Jolie's lips make her look like Daffy Duck. I don't care how hot she was in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, she's weird, addicted to babies and that's that. One more ad with her face on it, and I might just giver her a reason to wear that eyepatch for real.

As a Canadian, I am deeply embarrassed about Celine Dion and tired of apologizing for and about her. If she looks years younger than her actual age, it is clearly because she has signed a pact with Satan and bathes in the blood of virgins, no doubt supplied to her by her evil mentor, Madonna.

As for Madonna's ad, I am less impressed with her youthful appearance than by the fact that she can apparently put one leg behind her head. As a lesbian, this interests me enormously.

Despite that, however, I am sick to death of your dull, repetetive and irrelevant ads.

Thank you.

UmmFarouq said...

I was waiting on the pirated DVDs to come out in Jordan so I can watch the first 4? 5? Lost episodes, but I've taken in some of the spoilers here. So be it! I need not anticipate literary greatness from their writers; thanks for preparing me for a let down.

My complaint would be:

Dear Major Trans-Atlantic Airlines,

Why does it have to cost $10,000 dollars, at least, for me to go home to see my family every two years? I mean, $10,000 for five airplane seats that make my legs swell and butt ache. $10,000 for lousy airline food, bad movies, and flight attendants who would rather inject us all with malaria than give my starving 4-year old a pint of milk (since I'm not able to bring any juice boxes or real snacks on board to help us get through the 15-hour leg-swelling flight)?
Sincerely,
Missing nome but not independently wealthy enough to visit

CC said...

I wrote a letter of complaint once to Pizza Hut and they sent me a free coupon for another one. Why would they think I wanted another horrible pizza from them? I just wanted my money back!

whirling-woman said...

Dear Facebook in Japan,

While I appreciate that your country sensitive adveritsing is a wonder - truly it is, I would like to point out that I am rather offended at the ads tragetted at me.
How is it that the only ads that get targetted at me are for sights that will enable me to find a date with a hot Japanese girl by Friday?
The grimace pretending to be a smile that the model has on her face creeps me out everytime I see it.
Also worth noting is that not every foreigner in Japan is seeking a date with a hot Japanese girl by Friday. Particularly not the women. Most of us are good workers earning a living and gobbling up as much sashimi and taiyaki as humanly possible.

Anatatachiha manuke desu ne,

Ashuri sensei

Anonymous said...

Dear Mayor Bloomberg-

Please stop messing up my city! I know you were supposed to the the "lite" version on Giuliani with a twist of independent wealth but it has gone to far. You do not deserve a 3rd term. The law that you helped create to limit 3rd terms does apply to you. You have sold out the city and made it look like some terrible Yuppie hive with all the glass condos that replaced manufacturing and other real businesses. No one who actually works for a living (i.e. not wall street and their ilk) can afford to live in Manhattan not to mention many parts of Brooklyn. The disease is spreading to Queens in the form of your eminent domain project to force out 40+ businesses at Willets Point just so the Mets can have a hotel right next to the stadium and a bigger parking lot.
Stop giving tax break and real estate to your friends. Maybe it is time for that trip abroad you've always wished for.

I am registering in NYC this year so I can vote against you.

micheal said...

Hi,

I have found your blog. I really like your perspective on complaint letter writing. As I was doing my research, I have also found a great resource for online complaints: Complaint Letters. I think you will find it very interesting and resourceful

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