Thursday, February 05, 2009

The Pull of the Freak Magnet Catches Michael Bolton

I'm so ashamed of myself. I don't know how I could have forgotten this. Let's blame the fact that I'm working so diligently on my thesis, because if I weren't my mind would be functioning and I wouldn't have totally overlooked one of the best parts of Jade's story (scroll down). No, for real. When you hear this you're going to be all like: "How could you have possibly forgotten that Wide Lawns?"

Right after Rocco Boccaforte dumped Jade and right before Jade roped in her current husband, the sixty-something year old billion-heir, Jade dated Michael Bolton. This Michael Bolton (go on you know you want to look at his picture).

Not only did Jade date Michael Bolton, she brought him over to my parents' house for Sunday dinner where we fed him Italian food and my sister got him drunk. I kid you not. I have hung out with the man who sang that song "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" that your mom loves. My mom does anyway.

I didn't know that the night before Jade had picked up Michael Bolton at a local club. He was in town for a golf weekend of some sort. I just knew that I was standing in my parents' living room when some blond guy with a bad sunburn walked in with Jade and an enormous black man who appeared to be a body guard (because of course you need a body guard when going to my parents' house because my family will attack). He came right up and introduced himself to me as "Mike" and I was all like "Nice to meet you blond guy with bad sunburn."

I went back to cooking dinner but then I noticed that there was a major commotion going on outside on the patio and a minute later my mother came flying inside in a fluster.

"OH MY GOD. DID YOU SEE HIM????" she gasped.

"Who?" I asked, as I cut radishes.

"HOLY SHIT IT'S MICHAEL BOLTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh yeah?" I said nonchalantly.


My mother was completely losing her shit because Michael Bolton was in her house and was going to stay for manicotti.

Now, just so you know, I am way too cool to ever like Michael Bolton. For the record. I do not like Michael Bolton's music, ok? And don't ever let it get around that I do, but I have to admit that inside I was a little bit "Holy Crap it's Michael Bolton" too, except that my version of the "Holy Crap" was based on Michael Bolton's status as an ironic, pop culture reference in one of my favorite movies of all time, "Office Space."

So because I am far too cool to ever like Michael Bolton, I pretended as if I didn't care a whit that he was joining us for dinner. Except I really did.

Jade had definitely scored, I thought. Michael Bolton is a good looking older man and yes, I know he's cheezy, especially compared to other famous people, but when you compare famous people to regular people, Michael Bolton comes out as pretty damned hot. He was a hell of a lot hotter, nicer and more interesting than a morbidly obese, loud-mouthed, crude, wanna-be mobster. And Michael Bolton was really into her. This was right before his reunion with Nicolette Sheridan, by the way. I thought this was fantastic and what a way to show up someone who dumped you, right? How cool would it be to call up someone who broke your heart and get to say that you didn't like them anyway because now you were dating someone FAMOUS? I would have loved to have done that and Jade could have, but she didn't.

Michael Bolton must have thought we were a bunch of jackasses because everyone was fawning over him. My sister made him martinis and my mom stuffed him with food. My sister's then boyfriend took a picture with him and sent it to his mom who was a big fan and then Michael Bolton actually got on the phone and talked to my sister's then boyfriend's mom. He was really nice like that.

Of course I was the idiot of the evening because whenever I am within hearing distance of a famous person I am always guaranteed to make an ass of myself. I just can't help it.

"Michael Bolton," I said, "I just need to ask you one thing."

"Sure," said Michael Bolton.

"Have you ever seen Office Space?"

Michael Bolton chuckled and turned away.

We could interpret the chuckle in two ways. Either he had seen it and was not amused and was sick of people asking him about it OR he had no idea what the hell I was talking about and didn't want to press it any further. I'm guessing it was the first option.

But really, Michael Bolton couldn't have been nicer. Or redder. Boy did Michael Bolton have a wicked sunburn. Did he not understand that blonds need to wear their sunscreen as thick as cream cheese on a bagel down here?

Jade had a brief fling with Michael Bolton, in which time she did it with Michael Bolton. Though I couldn't get her to kiss and tell I did manage to coax out of her that Michael Bolton was at least a good lay. This really gave Jade a lot of extra points in my book because I am obsessed with stories about regular people doing it with celebrities.

But then, Jade decided she wasn't interested in Michael Bolton. Just like that. He called her and called her. He even called her from a show in Romania. I am fully convinced that Jade could have married Michael Bolton, but nope. She wasn't interested. By then she'd started hooking up with her billion-heir.

Not two weeks after Jade decided she didn't want to be Michael Bolton's girlfriend I read in the tabloids that he was back with Nicolette. I've often wondered if Jade broke his heart and drove him back to the Desperate Housewife, but I guess we'll never know.

Hey, have any of you ever slept with a famous person? If you have, you have to tell me about it.


Unknown said...

I made out with a minor league baseball player in Toledo, Ohio, once. And Joe Frazier flirted with me a little bit during his brief stint as a lounge singer. God, I'm old and pathetic.

Arwen said...

I have not slept with a famous person per se. My ex-fiance, who I slept with a lot, has won 23 {regional) Emmys though so he's at least successful and famous in his field.

I am the same way meeting famous people. The worst was William Shatner who seems to improved since I met him. I went to a car show where Shatner was signing autographs (really just handing out pre-signed photos) and since I was an incredible geek who loved him as long as I could remember, I waited in line for hours for the honor of shaking his hand and getting a copy of his picture. We get up to Shatner, I am completely dumb-struck. I can only stare stupidly at him while shaking his hand. He turns to his bodyguard and asks "What's this freak's problem?" and turns to the next person in line. I was so mortified. The stupid thing is that was back when I was young, thin and hot... I blame Shatner for my eating disorder. lol

AJ said...

Um, I did the horizontal hokey pokey with the dad of my area's top high school football player/college prospect.

I mean, if that counts. LOL!

Your blog is hysterical. LOVE!

Anonymous said...

This is obviously not "sleeping with famous people," but my husband once cursed out the author Edna Buchanan. Curiously enough, we were going to hear her speak at FIU. Pulling up to the parking garage, the street was completely blocked by a small woman with huge blonde hair behind the wheel of a Cadillac. My husband stuck his head out the window and yelled something to the effect of, "Hey, you stupid cow! Move your fucking car!" The car crawled away, we parked, and ended up in the second row of the lecture room. And who should come in but the tiny blonde woman! With a security/bodyguard person! I was terrified she was going to recognize us and have us tossed out, but she must have taken a double dose of her meds because she had this glazed look and frankly, I don't think she saw any of us in the audience.

I still tease my husband about his girlfriend Edna.

KT said...

No sleeping with them, but once Martin Sheen almost ran me over on a bridge in Galway.

I heart this post a whole lot -- especially since if you HADN'T asked about Office Space, I would have been disappointed :P

Anonymous said...

I've slept with Bono, and he's wicked-fantastic in the sack - IN MY MIND!!!!

Just kidding - I never slept with anyone famous...

But I used to flirt outrageously with a really famous Cleveland Browns football player. For some reason, I used to run into him just about everywhere. I just KNOW I coulda had him, too. But I was engaged at the time to my now-husband. So, ya know. I think sleeping with a pro football player while you're engaged to someone else is kinda bad form and might be perceived as tacky!!!


Missicat said...

Sure, George Clooney AND Brad Pitt! mean in reality??

C said...

My sister and I got invited backstage during a Los Lonely Boys concert. But she was all boring and sensible and said no.
I always wondered what happened backstage. I picture debauchery.

Anonymous said...

Does making out with Peter Fonda on a river trip in the Grand Canyon count?

Anonymous said...

Ah, yeah! on the Peter Fonda kissing.

Anonymous said...

I never slept with anyone famouse but I taught a J-league pro soccer player English.

And by God I wanted to sleep with him he was fucking Hoooootttttt.

I guess my only other brush with fame was when my Mom saw Raine Madaia (Singer of Our Lady Peace... Canadian Band) when he was sneaking past a screaming group of fans who hadn't seen him yet and went
"Hey arn't you that lead singer guy?"

Look on his face. Priceless.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I did sleep with some pretty famous people including Roger Daltry of the Who and Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin. I was a groupie in the '60's and slept with a lot of musicians, a lot of them names no one would know, as they weren't the front men of the bands.

When Rod Stewart was merely the singer for Jeff Beck's band, he used my cousin's toenail clippers to cut his toenails. Ewww.

Anonymous said...

Sam Elliot cira Roadhouse, not so great but I was 22 so maybe it was me?

Anonymous said...

OMG- I love that you asked him about Office Space!!! I think that's my favorite part of this post.

I've never slept with anybody famous. I met Wierd Al once, though, and he was every bit as nice as I could have hoped for.

Anonymous said...

Even if you are not a Michael Bolton fan. The story was about Jade.
How in the heck could you forget about Michael Bolton begging to date her before moving on. The crazy shit that people do is your kind of stories.

BTW, I am going to forgive you for calling Catholics HEATHEN on your previous post. We are not heathens. Some are just hippocrites and/or Republicans. I don't fall in that category. I am a Democrat, pro-life and for gay marriages, and neither one will cause me to burn in hell. So I am told by those old church ladies.

Wide Lawns said...

Dayna I didn't call Catholics heathens. That interpretation doesn't even make sense in light of the context of that post. I was making a sarcastic comment regarding the beliefs of most of the evangelicals I've met who actually do believe that Catholics are idolaters who are going to Hell. They even do missionary work to try to convert Catholics. It should have been obvious from the rest of the post that it was not me saying that especially when I made fun of the way they saw me.

Wide Lawns said...


It's called free indirect discourse.

It's a technique used in writing where the author takes on the voice of another character as a way to get into other people's heads or as a way to avoid constant use of exact, direct dialogue.

In this case I used it to make fun of what Merle and his friends would have said.

Anonymous said...

You don't have to explain yourself. I'm raised catholic in South America and did not take your comments personally. I laughed the whole post!!!

As a Hispanic I also did not take it personal with the post about the nails place, I actually agree with you about the crazy designs of fake nails and once again laughed the entire post.

I come here because you are entertaining and just when I think I can't laugh any harder you manage to surprise me once again. This blog is not a personal attack to anybody's religion, colour, sexual preferences or ideologies.

Let's stop taking everything personal and life is easier to enjoy that way.

Anonymous said...

You are not going to hear about anyone sleeping with famous people anytime in the last 10 years because famous people sign contracts forbidding them from doing the nasty with regular folk. It is celebrities or hookers only. Anything else is a contract violation.

Anonymous said...

I totally slept with Quentin Tarantino in a FABULOUS dream. Let me tell you...he is extremely sensual and intuitive in the sack. And he has an awesome body. BEST. DREAM. EVER. If I ever actually met him in real life, I'd be extremely devastated that he wouldn't remember me and the awesomeness that we shared. And then I'd totally try to take him home and have hot, sweaty, pass-out-from-exhaustion sex.
It was that magical. lol.
Other than Sorry to disappoint.

Wide Lawns said...

Thanks Sinclair, that's my intention.

Kate said...

I have never slept with a famous person, but when I waited tables at Spaghetti Warehouse in Memphis, I got Michael Bolton (yes, the very same) at one of my tables one night. He was quite friendly and even witty.

Years later, I partied with Van Halen and their roadies (and by partied, I don't mean anything sexual - I mean copious amounts of alcohol and stuff).

Nothing to be proud of, that last.

Anonymous said...

I slept with Josh Harnett. And then I woke up.

FreeDragon said...

Never slept with anybody famous but when I was 20 I met a really hot up and coming rock star and I got his autograph and I got to brag to all my friends that yes, I knew the guy that sang their favorite song. Then his career sort of went ka-put and now I have the autograph of a man no one has ever heard of. But when I show the picture everyone admits that he was hot and I was a lucky 20 year old. My only other brush with fame was when I submitted a short story to Marion Zimmer Bradley and she wrote me back to tell me my story was pointless.

BeerPup said...

No, I personally haven't had sex with someone famous. But I made friends with someone at a wedding who had a long, detailed, funny story about when she had sex with Drew Carey in a closet at a fraternity when they were both in college. I wish I could remember the details. Or maybe not.

There was someone I would have had sex with, had I been into girls, and she had been into girls, and had her best friend Samantha Mathis not been along (whom, had she been into girls, she would have been into girls with Sam and not me). So when I met Sandy Bullock in Denmark almost 20 years ago...I didn't have sex with her. But that would have been a great story.

Anonymous said...

For those of us rejects who haven't seen Office Space, what reference do they make to Michael Bolton in the movie? :) Good post btw!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you forgot about Jade and Mike.

Like Anonymous above, I also slept with Bono in my dreams. Although hubby and I have a "gimme" agreement and Bono is my gimme.

For those that don't understand a "gimme" agreement, you get to choose a celebrity and if, by some stroke of luck or fate, you have the chance to sleep with that person, it's a "gimme" and your spouse can't be pissed.

Basically, it's a license to lust openly about a celeb because he's your gimme. I have a rotating gimme list of about 10 but Bono is always #1 and Jimmy Smits is always #2.

Anonymous said...

Once upon a time, I had a friend who was seriously into astrology. While not a person who consults the "science" of it to make decisions, I do find it interesting.

Years ago, she told me that my chart showed Scorpio as my rising sign. The comment was preceded by a "Whoaaaa!"

"So," she said " you must attract weirdos."

Yep...that would be affirmative.

You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Hm-m, synchronicity and six degrees of separation here. I worked at Sony Music when Michael's "Time, Love and Tenderness" album came out. I was the package designer for it, and usually we get to meet the artist/group in the course of working on the design. But Michael was very busy and only came in after hours, and I was very pregnant with my daughter and left promptly on time every night.

So, I never got to meet him, but he did leave a signed copy of one of the promotional pieces on my desk which was very nice.

Of the many celebrities that came through the office, he was considered one of the nicest...didn't have an attitude like many of them. Back then all I could say in a bad way about him was I wished he would cut his hair. And then he did! So, nothing bad to say anymore.

Wide Lawns said...

Pat, I'm a scorpio with a leo rising. Does that mean I attract lunatics?

I don't really know anythng about astrology, but a bunch of people have told me and I read in a few books that my birthday Nov. 10th is a different kind of scorpio that isn't mean or associated with the occult. Apparently there are two kinds of scorpios and one is like an eagle or something and I'm that. I should look it up.

Coolred38 said...

Actually when it comes to being famous...Im the one men brag about later...

oops did I say that outloud?

Anyhow...I havent slept with a famous person but I did have sex with a guy named Bryan Adams...does having the same name as a famous person count?

btw my word verification is SQUAMPO
sounds like a some new diet pill or health food...hmmmm.

btw btw we are both scorpios with leo come I dont have the same intersting life as you...all though I have had two major lunatics in my life 9father and husband) does that count?

Philippe de St-Denis said...

"Free indirect discourse"--thanks for telling me that. I love learning the names of techniques.

I have not slept with anyone famous, but my wife and I do have our "gimmes": for her, it's Lynda Carter. For me, Ellen Degeneres. (DO YOU HEAR ME, ELLEN? CALL ME! I'M WAITING. BRING PORTIA!)

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

adayintje life wins! :D I didn't sleep with him, but I hooked up with a guy on New Year's Eve who I found out later was a member of quite a famous American boy band that was the latest hot thing for the teenyboppers. I was a bit paranoid later that I'd said something scathing (eg. over-produced talentless pop crap :P) about his band...

Anonymous said...

Do you remember when I kissed Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luther from Smallville) at the Cirque du Soleil New Year's Eve Party? That's the closest I've come.

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