Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Big Nort's Trophy Wife (maybe)

Big Nort just got out of jail and now he's going to be on a reality show. And that's sort of my fault, because when the casting director called with an offer, I persuaded him that life as a reality star might be his best option.

I haven't seen Big Nort since about 1991 or '92. Back then we lived in a small, pink house on the beach. We lived next door to Casa Azul where Big Nort lived with some other drug dealers. Years later when the boys went into foreclosure from their legal troubles my mother ended up buying that house and we moved there. But back then, Big Nort was just a big, 'roided out kid and he and his friends had the life. They lived in a nice (not a mansion, but nice) house on the Intracoastal. Living on the waterway made it easier to smuggle drugs in off of boats and from what I hear they had quite the set up going.

Living in the pink house, we tried to avoid our drug smuggling neighbors as much as we could, but we were on friendly terms. I don't mean we were going for ice cream cones with them, but whenever we were both taking out the trash we'd smile and wave. We weren't too bothered by the fact that they were quite obviously drug dealers. Every neighborhood in South Florida is pretty much guaranteed to have a drug dealer or two. It's just how life is down here and you accept it. The boys next door certainly weren't doing anything new.

By and by the leader of next door's operation somehow got busted. I don't know the details. This led to Big Nort and his friend also getting busted in an elaborate sting operation that went down in the parking lot of an old mall. The whole thing was filmed for the TV show COPS, which had just come out at the time.

One night, my parents and I were sitting in the family room watching COPS when lo and behold we see Big Nort on the show getting arrested. Then he assaulted a police officer and ran away from the scene on foot. Helicopters chased him over a fence, across a golf course and through a bad neighborhood. The drama was unbelievable. We were on the edge of our seats. Our next door neighbor was on COPS!! Finally they set the dogs after him and the dogs took him down. Then Big Nort resisted arrest, assaulted another officer and even hit one of the dogs! We were in shock. It's just not every day that your next door neighbor is on COPS.

Big Nort was in a world of trouble, but according to him he didn't end up going to jail for the incident. I can't see how, but apparently, some very big lawyers saw the case on the show and offered him free assistance and got him off.

Then he went to jail for something else, which just seems like a total waste to me.

Now Big Nort is finally out of jail for the something else. He's trying to rebuild his life and figure out what to do. Obviously the guy has a bad reputation, but he says he's reformed and that he's a new person. He was young, stupid and greedy back then, but now he's in his forties and he wants to settle down.

Of course the first place he came after they unlocked his cell was my parents' house. My mother and father ran into him somewhere, recognized him as our old neighbor, struck up a conversation and invited him over. Now he's there practically every day.

The first day I saw him, I didn't recognize him and in fact, I barely remembered him. I just saw this huge, scary guy in the house and felt uneasy. Big Nort is definitely big, heavily tattooed and looks like someone carved him out of a jagged chunk of rough granite. His eyes are pale blue and his hair has gone silver and he looks just... hardened. I ran into him in Whole Foods the other day and I almost had a heart attack because he's really scary.

Last week I was cooking at my parents' house and Big Nort came over and struck up a conversation with me about how he had been down in Miami with some friends and had been approached by a casting director for a VH1 reality show coming up that was called "Trophy Wife." He played me a voice mail from the casting director and it sounded like they really wanted him.

"I don't know," Big Nort said.

"I think it's a fantastic opportunity and you have nothing to lose," I told him, "I really think you should be open to the possibility. You never know what could happen from this."

I continued to encourage Big Nort to go on the show where he would be among the suitors of a former Playboy model who apparently caused a ruckus on the Rock of Love Bus or something. I am really proud to say that I have never once watched Rock of Love or its bus and I'd like it to stay that way. I did, however, love the Saturday Night Live spoof of it.

Last night I was at my parents' house again and at 10:30 at night the doorbell rings and it's Big Nort with his big news. He's flying to LA this weekend for the final casting of "Trophy Wife." He took my advice and he's going to be on the show.

"I'm gonna win it," he says.

We'll see.

Here's the show's My Space page. It looks super classy, just like all VH1 reality shows.


Jocelyn said...

I do watch "Slut Bus" and I've seen this Megan on the "How not to be such a Slut" show.

Oh my...Big Nort is SO in trouble. This Megan is NO GOOD!

But I hope he has a fabulous time! You only live once, right?

Anonymous said...

OMG, that link should come with a NSFW warning.

Dayna said...

I wonder if Tiffany AKA New York and Pumkin from Flava Flav will be on.
If so tell Big Nort to run like hell.

Anonymous said...

OMG!!! this is your favourite girl from atlanta, and I just want to say to you widelawns, what on earth would I ever do without you???? Your stories never seize to amaze me- I am sitting here in complete and utter awe. Btw, why haven't I forced you to give me your autograph yet? Next time I see you (hopefully one day SOON)! I am getting you to sign a napkin and I am framing it and posting it on my wall! You are my shining star! Your stories kill me! Also, Hubby is gonna freak when I tell him you know someone on one of these gawd awful shows. Sadly he's a junkie- !
kisses from atlanta!

JoeinVegas said...

Might be his big recovery moment. I think you did good encouraging him.

Michelle said...

Megan wasn't on the bus she was on last season.
That girl is a grade A slut and for Nort's own good I hope he doesn't win.
Sharon Osbourne bitch slapped her at the Charm School reunion.
I am sickly addicted to those stupid shows.

Jean_Phx said...

I was watching COPS with friend one time and the person on the screen was getting busted for buying drugs and she said 'oh my god, that's my brother and he is in his work van'. Nice! LOL.

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