Friday, January 09, 2009

The Times Traveler's Downstairs Neighbor

The guy in the apartment above me is back. He had been gone for several months. A year or more perhaps. Now he's back. I know this because I can hear every single thing he does.

Upstairs guy moved in around the same time that I did. He's a cute, young guy. He's really into sports and loves Boston teams. I know this because on the night when Boston beat the Yankees to finally make it to the World Series I honestly thought he was going to come through the ceiling. The same thing happened when the Patriots won. The ceiling fan in my living room trembled precariously on game days.

At first he had a girlfriend. I know this because I was privy to every intimate moment they shared. And there were many. Let's just say this couple had a lot of stamina. The noises coming from the bedroom above me were honestly frightening. There was a lot of banging and slamming and Upstairs Guy has a very rickety bed. I used to watch the girl leave when they were done. I did this to make sure that she was ok and that there wasn't a trail of blood behind her or that she was dragging a limb. I figured I should look out for her and call 911 if she looked in need of medical assistance after six straight hours of what sounded like extremely violent sex. She always looked fine. She was a tiny girl who drove a BMW. She looked like a ballerina and never so much as limped or walked bow-legged, which is surprising to me because if I had been turned inside out for as long as she had I would need at the very least, a good Chiropractor.

It wasn't just me who found Upstairs Guy's sexual habits impressive. It's not like I'm so innocent prude who is shocked at every creaking mattress. No. This was serious marathon fucking the likes of which I have never heard. Once I was out of town and I let my cousin Stu stay in my place while I was away. Stu called me and asked me what was up with the guy above me and I explained.

"Dude for real. He was going to town hardcore up there for at least 2 1/2 hours. I've never heard anything like it," Stu said.

"Oh I know. I know," I replied.

Trust me. Stu knows his way around the bed. The ladies love him, so if he was impressed, you can rest assured that Upstairs Guy was really accomplishing something unusual up there.

But then the girlfriend disappeared. I feared that maybe Upstairs Guy had drilled her into the box spring, but her car was gone, so I guess they broke up.

I began to hear other strange noises upstairs. It sounded like he was building something in the apartment above mine. Too often it sounded like marbles were rolling across his bamboo floors. Many times I heard what sounded like screws and ball bearings being dropped accidentally, bouncing and rolling a short distance. The noises happened at very odd hours.

One day I ran into Upstairs Guy and asked him what he was doing up there.

"Building something," he said.

"Ahh, I thought so. What are you building?"

"A time machine," he replied, deadpan.

"I see."

I let it go. A time machine, eh? Well, that's pretty cool. I certainly can't fault a guy for building a time machine in his two bedroom condo, now can I? If I could build a time machine you bet your ass I'd be rolling screws across my floors too. Who wouldn't want a time machine?

After that whenever I heard all the racket up there I would just smile to myself and think about where I would go if I could time travel. The answer is not very far. I probably wouldn't want to go earlier than about 1920 and I'd make sure I had all my vaccines. As great as the past sounds when we romanticize it, it really wasn't. We live in the best times right now. Trust me on this one. And I have zero interest in seeing any dinosaurs.

Suddenly upstairs guy disappeared. I figured he'd finished the time machine and was off time traveling. I hoped that he visited a particularly free and hedonistic era and that he remembered to take syphilis medicine with him.

But now the time traveler has returned from wherever he's been for a very long time and again I'm hearing the same building sounds, the same rolling screws. Maybe the time machine needed repairs? Perhaps it was time for an upgrade?


Michelle said...

O God! I hope he isn't building a Delorian up there!

KT said...

Okay, so for the first two-thirds of the post, I was all "Um, I have to meet this studly Red Sox fan!" Then the time machine thing happened and, well, now not so much.

I bet his girlfriend might have thought along the same lines :P But hey, I'm sure having a neighbor like that keeps life interesting!

JoeinVegas said...

Maybe he was testing it back then and just pushed himself ahead a year, so he is still in the same progression he was last time you heard him.

Emily said...

I have an upstairs neighbor that I often hear violently vomiting. I think I'd prefer sex noises.

LegalMist said...

You've just got to love apartment living -- great blog fodder, anyway!

As always, an entertaining tale. :)

Amanda said...

What a great post. Your writing style is beautiful.

ericam said...

Ohh man. What if he was really back in time? More likely he was inprisoned or in a hospital or homeless somewhere.. heh..

ali said...

My sister-in-law used to live in a concrete apartment building and she would hear those exact marbles across the floor noises coming from above. Let me know if you ever figure out what that noise was. They were stupefied

Wide Lawns said...

Someone told me they thought they heard he went to live in the Islands for a year. I found that equally mysterious.

Dayna said...

Hey WL go ask him how was the trip and get the details too. I wonder where he's going next.

I wonder if that girl was getting paid for sex.

Wide Lawns said...

I don't think the girl was getting paid for the sex. He's your typical, decent looking frat boy type, not so much the nerdy engineer type that you'd imagine making a time machine. He's actually really nice. Just mysterious.

FreeDragon said...

My ex used to have a mini billards game and it sounded a great deal like marbles rolling across the floor. So ask him if he likes to shoot pool and if he says no then maybe it IS marbles and that's why he needs the time machine- to go back to when it was a popular game.

Arwen said...

They were probably on drugs. I had neighbors above me that I later found out were prostitutes/running a sex/drug house. I knew they were selling drugs because their dumbass buyers would knock on my door asking to buy.

They would have sex like that for HOURS. It was horrifying. When they moved out/were evicted, my husband helped the super clean out the apartment. There was nothing in the apartment but mattresses EVERYWHERE. The super told us then that they were prostitutes and had been raided when we were at work and then the landlord evicted them.

Anonymous said...

Wow, hilarious post! I do wish the time machine were real...maybe it is?

Steph said...

Maybe his girlfriend/lover took off in the time machine while he was asleep, and he went back in time to try and find her?

You never know.

eitgc said...

Maybe Upstairs Guy has a broken heart and is using the Time Machine to visit the past to mend the relationship (or avoid whatever ended it) so he will be with her again (I'm just a romantic).

Love the story!

starsimplified said...

Interesting post! Hey, if he can go into the future, you could have him take you into next week. Once there, get the powerball numbers, then come back to now and buy up tickets! Then you'd be a millionaire! Just a thought...

Candid Carrie said...

I am guessing that he is building some type of a better nightstand to hold all of his sex toys. No matter what the truth is, I choose to believe that his naughty drawer can't hold everything.

Torchy said...

If you talk to this guy again, please let us know what he says. I'm very curious about his time travel adventures!

sallyacious said...

Have you seen Burn After Reading? Because maybe that's what he's building.

(I am not going to spoil it for you if you haven't seen the movie because it is one of the best moments in the film, but this guy sounds like he might be the type to build one. Anyway, if you don't plan to see the movie, you can email me and I'll tell you what I'm talking about. sally at sallycentric dot com)

Decorina said...

My ex-husband and I lived in a very nice townhome in Phoenix when 2 young ladies moved in next door. I met them one day and asked what they did and they told me they were cocktail waitresses at a popular nightspot in Phoenix. It was the 1970's so they hung out by the pool all day and worked at night.

All was fine until one night when the headboard of one of their beds started banging against the common wall where our bed was placed. Oy vey, it went on for hours. A few days later when I came home from school there was a really big, tacky car parked in my spot so I went next door to ask them to move to the visitor parking.

It was their pimp! He looked straight out of the movie Shaft. Big Afro, very tight pants, shirt open to his navel. A big cloud of pot smoke rolled out the door when they opened it. I was amazed and astounded.

Apartment living, got to love it.

Tasses said...

Just bumped into your blog and FYI: my family tree DOES involve convicted felons and an illegitimate major league baseball playing Jew. I'll trump your watermelon salesman with a time-traveling carnie and your Baptist missionary with a born-again sister-in-law who ran off with a gang-banging Mexican inmate only later to leave him for a man who held up a CVS pharmacy.... at the drive-through!

I, too, live in Hemingway's land down under; after coming from my redneck roots, nothing much here surprises me. Great blog :-)

That damn expat said...

Ooh I wonder what he's doing now. Keep us updated!
I have a whole collection of loony neighbors.

Lucky said...

Conversations like the one you had with your neighbor make me want to ask more questions of my neighbors when I talk to them.

mattbg said...

He might be building one of those chairs like the one George Clooney was building in "Burn After Reading".

Green said...

Here's my guess. Seminar on how to build a time machine. He went to the seminar once, but after he started building it wasn't going well so he saved up his money to take the seminar a second time. Now he's trying again.

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