Sunday, January 18, 2009

Rocco 3

Around the time Joan moved in with Rocco, my parents did too.

We had been through two hurricanes in a row and my parents had sold their house, Casa Azul, for a house that was being built. The new house's construction got delayed because of the hurricanes that wouldn't give us a break. My parents got stuck in a nightmare situation where the closing date for Casa Azul came, but the new house Casa dei Sogni wouldn't be ready for several months. They were left homeless, so they moved in with Rocco who had just kicked out Jade and replaced her with Joan the prostitute he met online.

Joan was a petite blonde in her late 20s. She had a snub nose, a pretty but boring face and the personality of an oyster on the halfshell. I couldn't stand her. I thought she was a total idiot. My mother didn't like her either and didn't particularly enjoy having to live with her, but she really had no choice. At first my parents thought they'd only be crashing at Rocco's house for a couple weeks, but the builder kept delaying and it turned into several months. I hardly ever saw my family during this time because Rocco's house was pretty far west and I live east. I was busy with school and work all the time.

Joan had no interest in the whole family scene. She was all about partying and drugs. She especially liked shopping. She was your standard, dumb-ass, South Florida gold digging whore. Some of these girls are interesting, but Joan, with her old lady name, was unbearably dull to be around and she always seemed vaguely pissed off about something.

While Joan was shacking up with Rocco, he also began an affair with another one of South Florida's most notorious skanks, Anya Kalashnikov. Anya Kalashnikov is a pro. Imported from Russia she is absolutely shameless when it comes to whoring and gold-digging. I've seen her out and around several times in the past few years and she's always with a different rich, trashy guy. She's also totally out of her mind insane. Anya has an interesting angle with which she lures in men. She plays innocent and acts like she's a poor Russian student just struggling to get by and that she's really a good girl. The truth is that she's a hooker and a nasty one at that. Anya looks like she'd give you a blister, which confuses me because the girl is not attractive. This just proves that most men just don't see women the same way other women do.

We (and Rocco) first met Anya because another one of my parents friends believed that she was his girlfriend. He was also 20 plus years older than she was and was sucked in by her sob story about being a struggling student. He said she was wild in bed and that he'd never encountered anything like her. I got stuck having to talk to her on several occasions at various dinners and get-togethers and I instantly was on to her con. Plus I can just spot the crazy. I have crazy radar.

Anya had a worse eating disorder than Aurora. At least Aurora ate a half a piece of chicken and the occasional cube of watermelon. Anya pretty much didn't eat at all. She was a good five nine and weighed barely over 80 pounds. She looked concentration camp. Her skin was yellow. Her face was drawn, her gums swollen and she was covered in a layer of white downy hairs which happens when you've been starved for a long time. She also gave off a terrible, strange odor that I've smelled before on vegans, raw foodists and/ or anorexics. I can't describe it but the smell makes me gag and seems the antithesis of health and beauty to me. I think maybe if she gained about forty pounds Anya might have been pretty. She had high, Russian cheekbones, slanted green eyes and full lips. She had light brown hair to her waist that men went crazy over. I always wanted to take the scissors to it because to me it looked ratty. Everytime we were with her people would always make a big fuss over trying to get Anya to eat something and I swear, I think she enjoyed the attention.

She was a fruitarian or some such foolishness. She only ate fruit. But barely. Mostly she fasted and just sipped water. Sometimes she'd eat nothing but grapes or bananas and only very tiny amounts at a time. Then she'd decide the fruit was fattening from the sugar and complain that it bloated her and fast on water again. I honestly don't know how she survived. At restaurants she'd order a fruit plate for dinner and then poke at it and push it all around and not eat it. Once I saw her eat a strawberry. I congratulated her.

"I shouldn't eat this. So fattening. I'm going to blow up," she said.

From a strawberry.

"Food makes me feel so dirty," she'd say.

Yeah, but all that whoring around didn't? Go figure. Once I asked her what she would do if she were my size and she said she'd kill herself.

"You are killing yourself," I said.

The irony was lost on her.

Rocco had a big, Italian dinner at his house and my parents' friend, Anya's boyfriend brought her along. Once she got a look at Rocco's house she made her move, stalking Rocco online behind her boyfriend's back. They talked dirty on Instant Messenger and then started setting up clandestine rendezvous behind Joan's and Anya's boyfriend's back. My mom caught them on several occasions.

This added to the tension already in the house. Things just weren't working out with the living arrangements. Finally in Spring of 2005 my parents moved into Casa dei Sogni and out of Rocco's place. Shortly thereafter there was a big falling out. I got married that Fall and Rocco didn't come although he was kind enough to send us a generous wedding gift. He didn't have to do that and I really appreciated it. In fact, he was always very generous with me.

"You're a good kid. You're not like the rest of us," he said, "You got a good head on your shoulders. You don't take any shit."

Some time passed. A year or so. We learned that Rocco dumped Joan and she moved to Orlando or somewhere. My parents tried to repair their friendship with Rocco. They gave it another chance. That's when we met Mia, his latest. Rocco had met another prostitute online. This one charged five thousand a pop. She was one of those Elliot Spitzer kind of escorts who flew all over the place to service the wealthy and powerful. She was whoring to support her husband. Yes, really.

Maybe Rocco promised her a way out. Maybe he talked a good talk and she saw a way out. She filed for divorce and moved in with Rocco. She was very young. I think she was barely 24, maybe less. I remember Mia was younger than my sister.

Mia was bone thin with watermelon sized implants. She had long, black hair, straightened with a flat-iron, olive skin and black eyes.

"I'm not a Mexican," she always said, "I'm only half. My dad was a Mexican, but I'm white. I'm not a Hispanic."

Mia hated where she came from. All she wanted was to be rich and white and a trophy wife.

She ended up getting her wish, but she should have been careful what she wished for.

(To be continued..)


Anonymous said...

oh god, that anorexic smell. I know exactly what you're talking about.

Dayna said...

I feel soory for Rocco. He was looking for love in all the wrong places.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait for the rest of the story!!!

Green said...

This is good shit.

Christi Lee said...

This is a great story. It sounds like it is going to end tragically...

I really believe that you have gone through all this. I have gone through a lot of similar things, I just can't write about it like you do. My parents have that crazy magnet too.

Pat said... there a way that I could ask you a question in private?

We have a character living in our neighborhood on Fla's West Coast and somehow, I think with the Kitticat background, you may shed some light on the subject.

I've been thinking about this for some time now!

Anonymous said...

I am Umfarouq's sister- that was very nice what you wrote regarding our Dad's death. Thank you- I've been reading your blog for quite some time- like sis said, seems like we all had the same relatives!!
You are a gem. I live in central Florida and love your stories of South Fla. My son went to FAU and told similar funnies about the folks down there! :)

Wide Lawns said...

Pat - just email me at and I'd be happy to answer anything.

Floridagirl, I'm really sorry about your dad. My prayers are with your family.

Miss Kitty said...

I can't wait to read the rest of this. WL, your writing is progressing by leaps and bounds. Keep up the awesome work!

Anonymous said...

Comparing the anorexic smell to vegans? Either all the "vegans" you know are just using it as a cover for their anorexia, or you don't know any.
I know, my vegan smell is nice, I don't stink like I'm starving, that's for sure.

Wide Lawns said...

I don't know what the smell is. I'm only recounting my own experiences, not making judgment about one's food choices. All of the vegans I've ever known have had the same particular smell, which is the same as the raw foodists and anorexics. I have no idea what it is. Maybe other people can't smell it. I have a nose like a dog. It could also be the case that all the vegans I know are really anorexics in disguise too and that I don't know any vegans who are eating healthy, well balanced meals. I don't really know. Anyone else know what the smell might be?

JoeinVegas said...

Do any of Rocco's girlfriends end up with anything after? Any of them smart enough to squirrel away some money into a bank and have something when they leave, or are they all in it for the moment, the shopping, and don't see the end coming?

Wide Lawns said...

I'm going to answer that at the end of the story Joe.

I attempted to do some research on this mysterious smell and found nothing. I can sort of describe it as smelling like truffles or some kind of strange petroleum product. It's almost a chemical-ish scent and it's very bad. Apparently not everyone can smell it because these guys don't seem to notice it. Personally, if I were with a girl who smelled that strongly I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Vanessa said...

The smell might be from ketosis - I've heard that with people who are not eating enough carbs, the body will start to break down ketones. Because it produces acetone, apparently they can smell kind of like nail polish remover or something similar - very chemical and harsh.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a different smell than the one I'm familiar with. I don't know any raw foodists and haven't noticed it on any vegans, but the anorexic smell I'm thinking of is bile or stomach acid or some other thing that has nothing to do so it oozes out. It's basically the smell of death.

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