Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Blehh. It's final's week for me if you've been wondering where I was. I didn't die from turkey overdose. I also wanted to spend time with my relatives that were in from out of town and then of course I procrastinated a bunch of important work that I had to do.

I did get the chance to observe some interesting drama over the weekend though.

Saturday night we were at my parents' house playing "Cathphrase" and watching movies with our guests. The movie ended around 1 am so Husband and I left. As soon as we got in the car a police man drove up. We thought it was our friend the cop who often patrols my parents' neighborhood and that he was stopping by to see if we were still up. We got out of the car and went up to the cop car.

It wasn't our friend. We explained that we thought it was and he said he was called there on a domestic dispute.

"Well it wasn't here because we were watching movies. We don't have domestic disputes," I said.

"No, it's the house next door," said the cop.

Oh jeez, I thought. What now?

My parents' next door neighbor is a whack job. His name is Lupo Lama and he looks exactly like a wolf man. He's Sicilian and has been divorced for a little over three years, so he lives all by himself in an enormous, gargantuan mansion where he always keeps the hurricane shutters closed. I've been over there a few times and he always shows off his stuffed lion. He has a real, taxidermied male lion on the landing of his grand staircase. It looks like something straight out of the Museum of Natural History and it has the biggest set of balls hanging off it. He always tells me how it cost him two hundred thousand dollars and I always wonder how a lion could have such big balls and why in the hell someone would pay that much money for a stuffed, dead animal to lord over their stairs. I can't think of a bigger waste of money. I find it even creepier than mounted deer heads.

Lupo is in his late 60s. All of his kids are grown. The youngest is in college and just moved out. His ex-wife lost her mind, lost a ton of weight and started hanging out in biker bars where she got a much younger boyfriend and left him. They had an ugly divorce and then he started dating this woman that we all called Charo because that's who she looked and acted like. After the hurricane, the ex wife got jealous that Lupo had a girlfriend and while the electric was off and we had a curfew, somehow this woman snuck in to the house and attacked Lupo and Charo with a butched knife. Charo escaped and ran down the street calling 911, but Lupo got stabbed in the back and shoulder. He ended up being ok, but the wife got carted off to the loony bin. It was a mess.

He dumped Charo a little while later and now every time I see him he's with a new latina woman. He dates latinas exclusively and his requirement is apparently that they all be crazy. Over the summer he tried to date a Jewish woman who lived at my old place of employment, but she proved far too normal and broke up with him fairly quickly. I can't say as that I blame her. Unlike most of the old ruch men around here Lupo dates a little closer to his own age, so all of his girlfriends are not only Hispanic and insane, they're also older. I always thought the rich old men would have fewer problems if they just went with women their own age, but Lupo Lama proves me wrong. He has just as many problems with the older ladies as his friends do with the nineteen year olds.

Apparently he was having a big problem Saturday night.

Another cop car pulled up in a couple of minutes with an older Hispanic woman in the backseat. The cop explained that she had just been let out of jail and needed to return to Lupo's house to get some things that she left there but that he wasn't home.

The night before Thanksgiving, Lupo and this woman had gone on a date to Olive Juice, the local martini bar popular with old men and trashy whores. This was their first date in real life. They had met on the Internet and Lupo had flown the woman in from California where she lived. She thought this meant they were engaged. At Olive Juice Lupo ran into a woman he was friends with and the new woman got jealous and attacked Lupo and his friend. Like actually attacked them. The bar called the police and then the woman attacked a police officer, so they arrested her and took her to jail for several counts of assault and who knows what else. She got out Saturday night and somehow managed to get the cops to drive her over to Lupo's house to get her suitcase and purse and return ticket.

The woman got out of the police car and instantly began causing a scene right there in the middle of the street at 1 in the morning after she had just got out of jail. She accused Lupo of doing this to her on purpose and swore he was inside and was trying to steal her things.

Lupo wasn't even home. She started with me first, begging me, very dramatically to call him. I told her I didn't have his number. She didn't believe me. Then she went to my husband and he tried to call Lupo for her, but there was no answer.

By that time my mother came out into the street and we filled her in on what was happening. The woman began screaming and howling about how she had no place to sleep and no credit cards and no money and nowhere to go and how Lupo had her purse and she had nothing and how she thought Lupo was a murderer who was trying to kill her.

Her story was that she had flown in, they went to Lupo's house and she knew immediately when she got there that he was a murderer so she really wanted to leave, which is why she suggested they go to a bar. Yet, she didn't take her purse. My mom called her out on this.

"Why would you leave your purse at a murderer's house??"

"I don't know! I don't know!" the woman cried, "I was so scared! I was under his power! He has powers."

Yeah ok. Lupo Lama definitely isn't a murderer and he really doesn't have any special powers. Plus, we already knew the woman was batshit.

Then the woman started begging us all for money.

"I knew this was coming," I muttered, because I did.

"I don't know you and I'm not giving you anything," my mom said.

"Please let me stay with you!" the woman said, "I know you husband. I see him Wednesday, the thirty three year old man!! I see him in his car and he say to come Thanksgiving. He is friend of mine!"

"You just got out of jail! I'm not letting you stay with me. I don't know you and I'm not getting involved in your shit, and by the way, my husband is almost sixty," my mom told her.

"I will be on the streets!!!"

"Well that should teach you not to fly across the country for men you meet on the Internet!"

It got loud. The woman wailed and howled and then pissed the cops off again by blaming them for all of this.

Pretty soon Lupo called my husband back and said he was at Olive Juice and would come home to give the woman her stuff but only if the cops stayed because this woman was so crazy that he didn't want to be alone with her. They stayed.

It all ended well. I don't know where the woman went, because we left, but I hope she got a flight back to California.

The next day my dad told my mom she should have let her stay.

"Are you crazy?" my mom said.

"But she thought I was thirty-three!!" my dad laughed, "I love her."

I think Lupo Lama needs to stop dating before he ends up dead. Talk about red flags. Wow. I haven't had that much drama in years.


CC said...

I'm almost sure that it's not your parents' house that has a freak magnet attached, but the state of Florida. I've yet to meet such colorful individuals around where I live.

vic said...

I love that I am not alone in getting the creep factor associated with taxidermy mounts. You can just see that lion heading down the stairs...

BoB said...

Where can I get one of these butched knives?

Wide Lawns said...

Bob, I have PMS. Do not nitpick on me about typos. I have no sense of humor this week.

Last Minute Lyn said...

South Florida does seem to attract the weirdo's....mmmm....I moved here didn't I?

Anonymous said...

Bummer for you and your husband, but I am safely many states away.

I don't mean to be mean, I just think I'm funny.

kerry said...

Good luck getting through finals week!

The stuffed things kind of creep me out, too, depending on the setting. The stuffed critters at Disneyland, not so creepy. Deer heads on the wall in a store in North Hollywood- creepy. In someone's house? Eww.

Glad you got away without getting too involved in the drama. :)

Paige said...

My great relief is that you have some crazy people in your world that you are not actually related to !

Anonymous said...

Anyone who thinks that money solves all of lifes problems should be directed immediately to some of the stories on your blog.

I'm poor as a churchmouse but I live a very calm, drama free life. Some may call it boring but I prefer that to freakin insane.

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