Monday, November 24, 2008

Nasty Assed Recipe Week!

Readers, it's almost Thanksgiving. You know what that means around here. Nasty Assed Recipes. All week long I'll be tracking down the worst offenders and I want you to contribute as well. The rule is that any Nasty Assed Recipes you share must be real things that your family or you or someone you know really makes and eats. You may also give links to blogs that have nasty assed recipes on them. Tell us about them in the comments section. Every day this week I'll be posting my favorite Nasty-Assery as I find it. Unfortunately, I don't have any new recipes from my family because I wrote about them all last year. My family isn't really big on changing up the Thanksgiving menu, so it will be exactly the same as last year, given that someone doesn't go rogue on us and show up with some new combination of Jell-o, cream of mushroom soup or crushed Ritz crackers that we've never seen before.

In honor of the start of Nasty Assed recipe week we begin with an absolute horror encountered by a dear friend of mine at his in-law's house. My friend is a California boy all the way and he married a girl from the hot dish capital of the US, the midwest. To be specific she is from the part of the midwest that pronounces their o's like Sarah Palin. One year, my friend and his bride had Thanksgiving at one of her relative's homes and had a side dish that gave me nightmares just hearing about it. It contained olives and Jell-o. Do not ask me who thought those two things went together. Hmm, sweet and artificially fruity combined with salty, vinegary and bitter. Yum! Of course those two things go together. Both my friend and his wife were disgusted and of course they had to call me immediately to tell me all about it. They described the "salad" in detail and I was able to find a close facsimile of it on Cooks.com, which is where you can find every bad recipe. It's like a clearing house of white trash cooking over there. For some reason, and I can't figure out remotely why, this recipe is called "Under the Sea Salad." It contains no seafood. Maybe when it's all nicely congealed it looks like a seascape?? I think that's a big stretch though.

UNDER THE SEA SALAD

2 pkgs. lime Jello
3 1/2 c. hot water
1 sm. can crushed pineapple (which everyone knows goes great with olives)
1 sm. bottle Stuffed olives, sliced (why is Stuff capitalized?)
1 pkg. Philadelphia cream cheese (wonder what would happen if you used store brand?)
1/2 c. nuts (what kind??? what kind of nuts? Because that would make all the difference you know!)
1/2 c. salad dressing (I guess this means Miracle Whip, oh God help me)

Mix Jello in hot water. To half of the above liquid, add 1 can crushed pineapple and 1 small bottle stuffed olives. Put in pan in refrigerator to set. Let second half set also, then whip it and add cream cheese, nuts and salad dressing. Spread this over first layer. Cut in squares, serve on lettuce. (Watch your guests vomit like Linda Blair.)

Is anyone brave enough to actually make this? Has anyone ever had it or anything similar? Can anyone offer me a rationalization?

30 comments:

catherine said...

Here is a hilarious website.
pretzel salad is in here too, And along with some nastyass recipes, there are some that don't sound too bad.

http://whitetrashcookbook.com/

Anonymous said...

I've never heard of it with olives and mayo that's nasty.

kjell said...

Here is my contribution. It's the Ring-Around-the-Tuna. Jell-o, olives, celery and tuna.

Have a look: http://www.flickr.com/photos/englishrose/240758500/

Jeannie said...

Oh my God! That's meant for human consumption? I have no recipes to offer. I don't think anyone in our neck of the woods has ever made or followed any such disgusting recipe. Even church potlucks are free from such offerings.

However, my SIL had her mail diverted to our house for a time. So now Kraft sends us their crappy magazine full of processed foods you can throw together and enjoy impacted bowels and high blood pressure for a month with. Perhaps I'll get their Christmas issue. If there's anything there, I'll let you know.

Anonymous said...

o...m..g...that sounds completely disgusting. I was assigned "dips" this year, and I spent all weekend trying new ones out...and hated them all. worked my ass off for an "elegant onion dip" that was bland-bland-bland.

Emily said...

And what about this is "under the sea?"

Dawn said...

My Mom actually called me last week and suggested I serve this at my Thanksgiving dinner this year. I think not! She claims it looks better than it sounds. You be the judge:

Deep-Fried Cranberry Sauce Fritters by (who else?) Paula Dean

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/deep-fried-cranberry-sauce-fritters-recipe/index.html

Wide Lawns said...

Anonymous, make the Barefoot Contessa onion dip. My husband makes it all the time and it is soooo good and not bland at all.

Anonymous said...

I went to a funeral in a very small town in Alabama. While I was there I picked up this little free newspaper and this under Recipe of the Week:
Roast Possum
1 possum, dressed
salt & pepper
1 onion, chopped
1 possum liver, chopped
1 tb fat
1c. bread crumbs
1 hard cooked egg, chopped
1/4 tsp Worcestershire
1 tsp salt water
baconslices
Rub the possum with salt and pepper. Saute onion and liver in fat. Mix in crumbs, eggs and seasonings. Add enough water to moisten. Stuff in opossum's cavity. Truss like a fowl. Put in uncovered roasting pan. Cover with bacon slices. Pour water into pan 1 inch deep. Bake at 359 until tender, about 2 1/2 hours. Serve with baked sweet potatos.
Possum should be cleaned as soon as possible after shooting. It should be hung in a cool place for 48 hours. It is then ready to be skinned and cooked. The meat is light-colored and tender. Excess fat may be removed, but there is no strong flavor or odor contained in the fat.
When I showed this recipe to my mother she said she had heard of it before. My grandmother used to cook it. Ick. I saved the little newspaper because I knew no one would believe me.

Jean_Phoenix said...

kjell - that truly took me back ;-0

Mommy said...

I have almost entire cookbook of nasty-sounding recipes: The New Joys of Jell-O, published in 1973. I only kept this book for the Layered Bavarian which combines jello with vanilla ice cream. There is even a chapter titled "Salads for Special Occasions. I see a couple of olive dishes as well. :-X

BohoPoetGirl said...

Rachael Ray's kid friendly recipes... almost as Nasty Assed as her baseball mitt sized hands

BeerPup said...

The Under the Sea Salad? OMG, I remember my mom and her friend (Lutheran Church Basement Ladies, both of 'em) made that for someone's wedding once! And somehow they were able to take the top whipped part and feed it through a frosting tip to make designs. I really wanted to taste it--I was only 5--and they kept telling me I wouldn't like it. Finally they gave in and let me. Know what? They were right. I shoulda listened to Mama! Oh, and the specifying Philly brand IS necessary; the cheaper brands don't set right. And since this is the successful recipe...we don't even want to imagine the failure.

But the olives in the recipe has me thinking about Lutheran Church Basement Sandwiches: rye bread topped with Cheez Whiz and sliced green olives. Gross, but tasty.

Grumpus said...

At first I didn't understand. This renegade recipe violated one of the most important rules of Jell-O cookery, and that is Do Not Add Pineapple to the Jell-o. It even says on the box!

But it turns out that canned pineapple doesn't have as much bromelain in it ready to fuck up the gelling process. That discovery must have been a real trash cookery paradigm shift.

It's fun to remind people as they dig into such creations that Jell-o is merely the boiled-up collagen extracted from the bones, connective tissues, organs, and gooey guts of animals; but if the olives entombed inside their "Under the Sea Salad" didn't put them off, I doubt that would.

My family fortunately doesn't have any revolting traditions because we were always too poor to create these elaborately offensive combos instead of just unadorned and tasteless meals.

However, my ex-mother in law once made me a "vegetarian lasagna" consisting of mashed potatoes tucked between sheets of plain boiled noodles, with ketchup and cheese.

She also puts French Fries in soup.

lallison said...

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

Its weight watchers cards from around 1971. Basically, nasty ass recipe pay dirt.

Erica said...

Okay I know this is not the instructions, but since we're going to fill this with nastiness, I thought I would humbly submit my little midwest favorite. It is, indeed, a jello mold, however, it consists only of fruit and things that go with fruit and is much less salad than dessert...which...oh my god...is what jello should be!!! Please to enjoy..and maybe you can fly it in under the radar at your next gathering and suggest to them what jello does when used properly!


2 3oz packages of strawberry jello
1.5 C of boiling water
1 10oz package of frozen strawberries (best if picked and frozen yourself), partially thawed
1 10oz can of crushed pineapple
1 C sour cream (stay with me folks!!)

Add boiling water to jello and dissolve, add strawberries and mix gently. Chill for ~1 hr, then add pineapple and juice. Pour 1/2 of gelatin mix into a square pan or jello mold and let set briefly in fridge. Fold sour cream into remaining jello - blend well!!! if you know what's good for you - and pour carefully onto top of pan or mold. Chill until set and serve.

Think of it as the olive branch of nasty assed jello recipes :) We only bust this one out for Christmas. The one for Easter, however, not so much....eeeewww marshmallows and opaque green jello and pear....

That damn expat said...

Oh my. I'll be saving this recipe for when I need to get passive aggressive on someone.

Janitor Jean said...

Oh, honey.... Pennsylvania Dutch cooking. I am from PA Dutch ancestry and I grew up with creamed lettuce.

You take leaf lettuce and rip it up, toss in a little green onion. Make a dressing of -- mayo, canned evaporated milk (you use up the rest of the milk in the mashed potatoes) cider vinegar, sugar salt and pepper. I don't know the amounts, you do it till it tastes right. It's sort of sweet and sour, but not cloyingly sweet.

Pour the dressing over the lettuce and onion, toss and eat.

It's required eating at Thanksgiving.

Another thing we do is occasinally we put cottage cheese on toast like cream cheese? Then top that with apple butter.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I'm feeling a little queasy after reading all of this. I honestly love my mother's jello mold recipe but I'm not making it this year because I'm one of the only ones that like it and I will end up eating all of the leftovers myself. It calls for a can of apricots with sauce. Boil the sauce, add a pkg of orange jello mix and cool. Then you blend that with the apricots and a block of cream cheese. Put in bowl in fridge until almost set, then mix in a tub of cool whip and a can of drained mandarin oranges and put into a mold. Yummy!

Missicat said...

I just cannot imagine the person who first looked at Jello, then Miracle Whip, and wondered, "should I combine these two disgusting ingredients?"
*shudder*

Dawn said...

I agree that there is nothing funnier than that candyboots website posted above with the vintage Weight Watcher cards (some of which I actually remember seeing). If grosser stuff exists, I don't want to know about it!

Hilary said...

The worst sandwich combo I've ever heard about was a staple for a friend of mine. White bread, butter, mayonnaise and Cheese Whiz. He's laid off of them since the heart attack.

Diana said...

Wow. Just... wow.

I cannot compete, but I humbly submit that mixing inedible ingredients with your food is also nasty-assed.

Such as when I googled a recipe to make my own peanut butter cups, and found one that required equal parts paraffin and chocolate, which were then melted together.

WTF? How about some ceiling plaster while we're at it? We could mix it into our pie crust and call it saving calories.

traca said...

My husband tried very early in our marriage to get me to eat the following combo:

Pinto beans mixed with scrambled eggs, hotdogs and cheddar cheese. It smelled like vomit and I refused. I introduced him to allrecipes.com and things have gone much better.

kerry said...

http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/index.html

Click on any of the links under "the collection" which is excerpts from old cookbooks. With pictures. The jello ones and the meat ones are particularly interesting.

My husband's family cookbook has recipes for cooking coyote, beaver, and mutton. In their defense, they do hunt though I'd expect venison and elk (which are actually quite tasty).

Off to look at the white trash cookbook and the weight watchers cards. :)

Anonymous said...

OK, delurking here because I have definitely had my share of nasty assed recipes. Best one though is called Pear Salad. I had the pleasure of being forced to eat this as a kid. Occasionally this elderly lady would invite our family over for Sunday dinner and this was ALWAYS on her menu. I thought she was just senile for making this. It still makes me sick just thinking about it. But here it is:
Take a can of halved pears in syrup and spread them out on a platter. On each half of pear put a good helping of mayonnaise (lets say 3 tbsp – the lady who made this was VERY generous with her mayonnaise). Unfortunately I have had it with Miracle Whip too – still taste like crap. On top of that toss a handful of shredded cheddar cheese. Apparently you can also add maraschino cherries on top too but I never had it that way. Maybe that is what was missing? Here is a link so you know this crap exist.
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Pear-Salad-II/Detail.aspx

R said...

I think that there was a trend started in the late 50s and 60s where the makers of gelatin tried to make it hip and futuristic or something. check out the gallery of regrettable food website. ick.

Many recipes included gelatin with all sorts of meat. As in jellied meatloaf, and gelatin mold infused with hot dogs.

Anonymous said...

My mom once served "Campbelled" Eggs. You guessed it, scrambled eggs with a can of cream of something soup stirred in. NASTY!

And my grandmother used to make something called Three "P" salad which contained canned peas, chopped peanuts and minced pickles. I don't think "nasty" is enough for this one!

jmm said...

Those weight watchers cards reminded me of a nasty little weight watchers recipe from the late 60's. My Mom was a member and you would make baked apples baked in diet soda! You core the apple and pour in black cherry flavored diet soda and bake it. You would get a diet soda glaze over it.

Dribs said...

Fantastic! I'm searching for recipes for my upcoming church basement potluck party, and my stepmom actually makes a "Jell-O salad" similar to this. Hers is a bit simplified, but includes the important combination of (red) Jell-O and olives. She uses black cherry Jell-O and subs juice from the jar of green olives in for some of the water. The nuts are obviously whole pecans. Her version is only olives, Jell-O, and pecans; it just jiggles out of its mold!

I politely decline the opportunity to try it. Maybe if it had the other ingredients I'd be tempted. (Tempted to what?)

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