Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The Polls Are Now Closed!

So the polls are now closed on the first ever Wide Lawns reader's choice post topic. I had fun. I was all impressed with my sorry self that I could manage to paste some html into my blog. That's very hard for people like me, you know.

So the winner is that you all want to hear about how I met my husband and that's what you're going to get, but not right now because I have to get ready to go teach two classes. Maybe I'll write it tonight or tomorrow morning. In any case, I'm going to tell you all how I met my husband. I fear though that you might be disappointed. It's not that interesting perhaps, although on our first date a Puerto Rican girl threatened to kick my ass in public. Which was at least entertaining, even as it happened. I will warn you that, to quote my dear husband "everything about this flies in the face of all dating conventions."

A close second was what happened to my sister. I have decided to write about these topics in the order in which they placed in the poll. My sister has given me full permission, encouragement even, to write her story as long as I fictionalize the ending. She wants a new ending where she killed the guy and chopped him into pieces and threw him into the Everglades where alligators ate him. This fictionalized ending would make her feel very good as she read it. I said I'd write that for her.

After that it looks like we'll be hearing about the Chiropractor and the Toe Sucker.

But first we need to talk about my parents. Really, we need to talk about my parents. Ok, I need to talk about my parents.

They were supposed to come home October 1st. Their lease was up and they'd been out there for a while having the time of their lives. To me it seems that they live a healthier and more pleasant lifestyle - always at the dog park and taking walks and hanging out in beachfront bars in Malibu. Also the Ross is much better and they are only three hours from that mystical trailer park in Vegas that they love so much. But I do miss them a lot and I kind of wanted to go back to my apartment. Not that I don't love living in a gigantic waterfront home with a bathtub, a pool and oh good god a grill. I love that dang grill. I'm as bad as a man. I was out there making BBQ chicken the other day getting such a thrill. But anyway, I wanted them to come home for at least a little while, but at the same time I feel like they're better off in LA. But I was looking forward to having them come home.

Then my mother called and said they were staying and extra month. Then my dad called and asked me if I was TiVoing "Dancing With the Stars". As if.

"Why would you ask that?" I asked him back.

"I thought you loved that show."

"No, I watch 'So You Think You Can Dance', totally different."

"Oh, well you need to watch 'Dancing With the Stars'," he said.

"And why is this?"

"Your mom's new best friend is on it!"


Because I could really see my mom and Kim Kardashian getting along very well and then my mom could FINALLY be on that reality show she was meant for.

"No," my dad said, crushing my whole world, "It's Brooke Burke."

"Julian's ex-wife who dated Bruce Willis?" I asked.

I was referring to Julian McMahon because of course he and I are naturally on a first name basis and all. Ok, well, we were on a first name basis. I don't think he'd remember me now. Julian and I spent Thanksgiving weekend of '03 together in Mexico. Ok, while every word of that sentence is true, it is also written with a great deal of fantasy involved. Let me clarify. Julian McMahon and I were in the same place and ate dinner at the same table every night (breakfast and lunch too!) and really did sort of hang out for Thanksgiving weekend of '03, but I confess that I think he thought I was a Mexican maid and that he was so insanely hot in real life that neither my sister nor I could carry on a coherent conversation with the man and that whenever he came anywhere near us we would turn red and giggle and act like jackasses and have to leave the room to gush to one another about how hot he was. That is the real truth.

But I was mistaken, alas. Julian's ex-wife was Brooke Burns who was apparently on "Bay Watch", which should not be confused with Brooke Burke who was on "Wild On." To me there is almost no distinction whatsoever between these women. But Brooke Burke is now my mom's new friend. They met in Malibu and Brooke has like twenty-five children and my mom held her new baby and they just had a fabulous time and Brooke never even mentioned she was on "Dancing With the Stars" until she had to leave and her husband (baby daddy? not sure) told everyone present that she was going to her first rehearsal and they were all like, for what? Then he told them about it.

So my mother would like you all to please vote for her new friend Brooke Burke on "Dancing With the Stars" because she said Brooke Burke is a lovely woman, a very good mother and extremely warm and friendly and one of the sweetest people she has ever met.

Later I called and asked my mother if she was going to go see the show being taped to watch her friend.

"No," she said.

"Why not? Even I'd do that."

"You gotta wear gowns and tuxedos to that mess. They make you get all dressed up to go."

My mom is not about the gowns. She doesn't like skirts and dresses. Personally I think she should make the sacrifice and get herself a nice long dress at that fancy Ross and just go.

Also, I completely forgot to tell you this. My parents were back in Vegas last week at that trailer park and they were in a restaurant and who rolls up in his special little cart but Vern Troyer (aka Mini-Me) and he was with a very flashy, sexy girl who may or may not have been a hooker.

So to conclude, I don't think my parents are coming home. Please vote for Brooke Burke on "Dancing With the Stars" and umm...Julian McMahon thinks I speak great English for a Mexican maid.


kerry said...

Yeah, tell us how you met husband! Unconventional is awesome, because a lot of us have odd stories. Not as cool as your stories, but unusual nonetheless.

That is so great that you're rewriting your sister's ending so she feels better! I can't wait to hear it!

Of course I'm personally waiting for the Toe-Sucker story. :)

What's wrong with loving a grill? :) Grills are awesome.

I agree - your mom should get a nice dress and go watch her friend compete. And take pictures- people always look their best when they're dressed nice.

NeekoalinAZ said...

Brooke Burkes hubby/fiance/whatever was on Baywatch, I'm not sure she was. But Kudo's to your mom for hobnobbing with all these fancy schmancy people! I'm from Los Angeles and I NEVER saw all the people she apparently does. I went to high school with Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell though. Oh and the porn star who was on Melrose Place (her name escapes me) but thats about it. LOL

I think I want to go hang out with your momma. She is there 7 months and has experienced more of L.A. than I did in 30 years!

Anonymous said...


This is totally off-topic, but I figured you could take a look at some of stars Nasty-Assed recipes. Britney's recipe was the worst by far.......

Anonymous said...

For some reason your parents remind me of the Clampits (?) from Beverly Hillbillies.... hehe....I wonder if they have a cement pond at their new digs.

Wide Lawns said...

No cement pond.

Anonymous said...

To daughter from Momma,

Next week you will all see me at dancing with the stars sitting right next to brookes husband. I will get tons of pictures over the weekend and send them all to you so you can see how these hillbilly parents live. Next week I will get pics with Kim as well. Oh just wait, don't get me started! People, vote vote vote! Brooke came in first place both nights. Yahoooooo. This woman deserves it. She is awesome. I have a lot more good news coming. I miss you, speak to you tomorrow my daughter. Love you. p.s. I will wear a gorgeous dress from Ross. LOL

About Me

Blog Archive