Saturday, September 20, 2008
I am all alone right now. This week, and I apologize, I decided to take a couple days off from writing because my arm hurt after writing two 30 plus page stories. Then I had two sets of friends who didn't know each other before, but now do, come to see me. Today I made a totally vegan lunch and they all ate it and it was good. Ok, well, it wasn't totally vegan because some of the appetizers had goat cheese and/ or smoked salmon. The rest was vegan.

My husband has gone to a wedding and I had to work and it was far away so I stayed home. Also partly because the friends were all here. One set of friends are in town because they are filming a documentary. For the past few days I found that more interesting than blogging. Right now everyone is gone - the sets of friends and my husband. My cat is having a fight with the neighbor's cat through the glass door. The cats are hissing and howling and throwing themselves against the glass. Cats have brains the size of almonds. Did you know that? Watching cats fight through a door, this seems obvious.

Because I was alone I decided to call my grandmother because she too was alone. I also called because all week long the baboon story had been bothering me and I wanted to see if she could confirm it for me. I had some trepidation about this because both of my grandmothers have this terrible habit of swearing that things didn't happen. You'll be reminiscing and then all of a sudden they'll break in with a "THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN" which no amount of "Yes it did"s will sway. There have been events that everyone else in the room remembers quite clearly but which my grandmothers will swear up and down never ever happened or even close to happened. I don't know why this is. I guess this happens when you get old and start to see merely an idealized version of the past because that's more pleasant. Maybe they perceived things differently. I can see my mother doing this here and there as well. We had a conversation last week where she told me a totally different version of a story that I remember as happening otherwise.

But the baboon story was bothering me, especially with the supernatural element and I want my stories to be as true as they can be so I called her up.

For fifteen solid minutes we talked about a curtain rod. She needs a curtain rod. The drapes are falling down. My aunt and uncle were going to take her but they had to drive down and they said there wouldn't be traffic and then there was traffic and she had bought a two liter of Mountain Dew because once they had said they liked it but when they finally got there to take her to get the curtain rod, after being stuck in traffic that they said there wouldn't be, they didn't drink the Mountain Dew and it's still in her refrigerator and also she got some chocolate popsicles and she was going to eat them. My grandmother's conversations are endless run-ons branching off into interminable tangents. If you were to draw a chart of a conversation with Mommom Jewel it would look like one of those glowing ball things of static electricity that have hundreds of mini lightning bolts branching out from a metallic center. You put your hands on them to feel the energy and your hair stands on end which is never not funny. I don't know what this thing is called but this is what my grandmother's conversations look like. And they also make your hair stand on end. Then she started going on about drapes and how she was getting her curtain rod at one store but a new Macy's had opened up an hour away and everyone had started going there but they have the same exact things as her store except every single item at Macy's is marked up exactly five dollars more than her store and she's not going there and she's going to her store instead because it's exactly the same and she doesn't care what anybody says about it. Like who would say something? Sometimes I want to ask her that. Who would say something? What would they say? That Jewel Holland buys her curtain rod for five dollars less? Would someone really say that? My mind drifted off and suddenly we were talking about Dr. Pepper. Perhaps it was a compare/ contrast between the Mountain Dew and the Dr. Pepper. I have no idea.

"Did you ever get the curtain rod?" I asked.

"No I most certainly did not," she said.

Then she told me why in exhausting detail. I will spare you what I had to listen to. By the end I wanted to tell her she should have tried Macy's. Finally I asked her if the baboon story is true, but I left out my theory about her being hung over because she would take that to the grave. I can't see my grandmother ever admitting to having had a hang-over.

"Oh yessir. That story most certainly was as true as I'm sittin in this chair," she said.

I can't confirm that she was sitting in that chair since we were on the phone, but I'll take her word for it that she was, indeed, sitting in that chair that she said she was. I guess that makes the story true.

"The car was really attacked by baboons?" I asked.

"Yessir it was. Oh it was awful," she said.

I asked her if I had exagerated the damage in my mind, being that I was little and all. It could have seemed worse.

"No. It cost us hundreds and hundreds of dollars even back then. Pop was so mad, he said he hoped we'd seen enough wild animals because he'd be damned if he'd ever go back to that place again."

"And the storm? That was true? And how I said rumble rumble-"

"NO DON'T YOU SAY THOSE WORDS!!!!!!"

"Really?"

"Yes it happened but DO NOT say those words. I have never seen a storm like that in all my life. To this day I've never seen a hail storm like that."

"Did I ever do anything else supernatural?"

"Oh Lord have mercy on you, you were the strangest child. Used to give me chills. I'd put you to bed, even when you were in your crib, just a toddler and as soon as I'd shut that door you'd start having full conversations. I asked you who you were talking to and you looked at me like I was a blamed fool and said to my face like it was obvious I should have already known and you said 'Mommom I'm talking to the people' and I said 'what people sweetheart' and you said to me and I will never forget this, you said to me that you were talking to the 'people from before.'"

"I said that?"

"Yes you did. And you would come and tell me things there was no way a child could have known or understood and I'd ask you how you knew these things and you'd tell me that angels told you or the people from before told you. I asked you who the people from before were and you said they came in the window and talked to you all night long and they were real nice and played with you and everything. It scared me so bad I quit asking you about it and just let you do it. One day you came to me and I was in the kitchen and you told me you remembered everything from before you were born and the people were your friends from then. I asked you if they were angels, these people, and you said I could call them that if I wanted to. Now what kind of child?"

Frankly, even writing about this conversation is creeping me out. I don't know what to make of it. But someone had asked in the comments if I had any other supernatural experienes as a child and I guess there's the answer. I apparently did. I don't remember it at all now though and I don't have these experiences now thank the blessed Lord in Heaven because I don't want to.

After that I decided to call Bella. This was a mistake. You always know you're in for trouble when the conversation starts with thirty seconds of background noise and a hip-hop song playing, followed by some shrill WOOOHOOOOs and then a bunch of semi-coherent hellos because whomever is on the other line can't hear you.

"BELLAA??" I yelled.

"WOOHOOOO yeah? HEY!!!! OH MY GOD IZZZ YEWWW!!! HEEEYYYY"

Bella was to' up. Bad. I guarantee you if I had not called her she would have drunk dialed me within the hour. I don't know why this is but I am a drunk dialing magnet. Whenever my friends and relatives get wasted they always seem to feel that it's the perfect time to call me.

"Bella, where are you?"

"BIRRfFDAY PARTYAYYYY"

"Oh ok, I'll let you go."

"NO I HAS SO MUCH TA TELLL YEWWWWW!"

When Bella gets drunk she talks like a lolcat. It's actually very funny. She sounded like she was having a great time whatever she was doing so I persuaded her to hang up and call me at another time.

Then my sister called me. Last night I hung out at her new job. She's working at the Brew Bayou, a Cajun themed bar. While I was there I witnessed an altercation involving six cops and four suspicious young men in a souped up red Mercedes. At one point the suspects were all on the ground but then they let them all go. Tonight she told me that there had been another incident while she worked where a woman locked her infant in the car and someone had to break the window and the woman was in hysterics.

The cats are fighting again and I have managed to sufficiently creep myself out while alone in the house. Maybe I'll watch the rest of my Tivoed episode of "True Blood." Can I just tell you - new favorite show. I'm about to be obsessed. I can already tell. It's that heavy goth streak I can't get rid of. I feel like I'm 16 again, all about the sexy vampires. And oh, the vampire guy on this show is very hot. He instantly gained the number one spot on my top five. Sorry Mark Ruffalo, you are now at number two, also bumping Dan Abrams to the number three position. I don't know who the other two are right now. I'd have to think about it because I broke up with Clive Owen, who has nothing on a vampire. No, maybe if I watched that I'd get scared again, although I haven't found it scary just yet. Hmm, I'd consider making Casey Affleck number four. I don't know. I think my top five needs some work.

Ehn. Saturday night at home alone sucks. I'm going to go make a Whole Foods gluten-free pizza which will probably be as fantastic as it sounds.

I'm feeling bleh as hell. What do you all want me to write about next? I'm stealing this idea from Green. I'm just wondering what you all would say. Inspire me, dear readers.

20 comments:

Green said...

Ooh ooh! Write about first grade! No wait, that's my blog, shit.

Do you ever run into the people from your old job? How does that go when/if it happens?

Suzanne said...

Stories like the one about you as a child always give me the chills.

Call me crazy, but even as a card-carrying member of the scientific community I find it hard to distance myself from those supernatural stories. It's possible this is because my grandma tells them once in a while, and I have no reason not to believe her seeing how she's a reasonably sane and realistic woman the rest of the time. I even get a wee bit scared when the dog seems to be barking insistently at nothing (well, nothing I can see).

I'm going to have a hard time going to sleep now, since I too am by myself in an empty house.

Anonymous said...

My new favorite show: Burn Notice. Jeff Donovan is now my #1. You gotta love a sexy spy story in Miami! Jan

catherine in london said...

Hey, I'm bored as shit too. Did you check out that website that I sent you the link to. It's seriously funny.
these are actual cakes that people paid money for.

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com

yours,
catherine

Wide Lawns said...

Catherine yes! Yes I love cake wrecks!! I look at those cakes almost every day. Thank you so much.

Green, yes, they're my friends in real life. We get together fairly often.

My friends Tere loves Burn Notice. I keep hearing good things about it. I'll have to check it out. My cousin Fallon loves it as well.

Anonymous said...

the electricity machine is called a vandergraft generator :)

Anonymous said...

but wait, green gave us options... choices.... like a multiple choice test. These essay questions always throw me off...

What do you think of VP Candidate Palin?

Anonymous said...

Tell us about the local "color" - what kind of stuff is going on in your area this time of the year. Who comes to visit when other parts of the country are rolling into fall and winter.

L.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Wow. I have always believed that children or people who are child-like are closer to the spirit world. Also, that people who may have special gifts find out about them in childhood, but eventually suppress them. Maybe some time when the sun is shining and you are not alone you should check it out. There are actually some psychics out there that are not complete shams! That is what I think you should write about, next. Although, really, you could write your grocery list, and write it so well that I would be impressed. You never fail to deliver.

Anonymous said...

Write about what happened to your sister but change all the names. Make it a hypothetical story to protect her but get some more details out so that people may learn to avoid that type of situation.
Is she ok now?

TwistedNoodle said...

The family flow chart....please! I am a very visual person and it's so hard to keep 'em all straight.

BTW, gluten free pizza sounds nasty, like a flat piece of cardboard...not that I've ever had one. Does the pizza rise at all?

drawer queen said...

You can write about toast and I will read it. I don't have any great ideas, or really care what you write about as long as you write about something. You are a gifted storyteller (with a perfect family to give you stories) I have waited too long and most of my crazy family members are either dead or past the "remember when" part of life

Anonymous said...

The LOL cat comment had me laughing. More about your drunken friend, yes? Plzthnkubai

clergywife said...

I've been reading for a while, but not since the beginning, so if you have already done this I apologize. But I always like to hear people's "How we met stories." Do you and your Hubby have a great background story?

And it's funny that you blogged about your childhood experience. I just posted a blog about a ghost in my current preschool classroom.

By the way, whenever I feel myself getting frustrated with my "kids" I think about your post about your bad history with teachers and promise myself I will never be blog fodder! You may not change the whole world, but my students are better for your experiences.

Arlynnia said...

I love this story! I don't think you were creepy at all! (maybe because I'm weird) Here is what I think, based on all the research and experiences that I have had. The "people from before" of course, are people from past lives that have not taken the manifestation of a new body. You were still able to communicate them because as a child your mind was open and readily able to interpret these spirits. (another time it is easier is during sleep or deep meditation) Knowing things that a child couldn't have known happened to me as well. What is sums up to in a nutshell is that you are an old soul. You have brought various pieces of experience and knowledge from lives before this one into this one. That is what you are suppossed to do. This life, and all others are learning experiences all aimed at achieving the final goal. It is nothing to be scared of, at all. I think it is amazing, and would love to hear more about your "creepiness" as a child. I have long wanted to do a study on this subject with children. In my own personal experiences, I have known facts, languages, places in a geographical sense even if it is my "first" time there, skills that would require extensive training, etc. It started very young with me, and I aslo quickly discovered that I could do amazing things with my mind, like spirit communication and seeing them, seeing the future (only in dreams, though), and things that bend the perception on reality, ie astral travel, and soundless communication across thousands of miles.

I probably sound like a big freak to you, but I find that kind of thing very intriguing. So my suggestion is more of the type of story that has to do with this subject matter.

Kore said...

Could you re-post some of your old stories from Wide Lawns (the HOA)? I loved the one about the home designer who bought all her materials from Ross.

Sinclair said...

Please write about Bomboclaat! I miss the hot garbage smelling dog. He's probably with your parents.

I also like when you write about your parents and your mom replies in the comments.

And last but not least, please give another ghetto award, those are very funny!

Anonymous said...

True Blood is my new absoulute favorite show too. Love it!!!
Sorry I don't have anything to inspire you to write about. You could write about folding laundry and somehow make it funny, and I'll would def. read it.

Yerba Buena said...

I love True Blood too. If you can, catch up on the book series by Charlaine Harris.

I loved this post. Though really, you could write about watching paint dry and I'd read it because you'd make it funny.

Breny said...

Oooh--True Blood. That show makes me all hot and bothered.

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