Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A Guest Post...From My Mom!!

This morning I got an email from my mom after I asked her on Monday to write a guest post and let me know what was going on. This is the result. You will all be able to see her on TV next week. She thinks I descibe her as, I don't know what, but I don't. She's tall and beautiful and blonde and looks at least ten years younger than she is and way younger than Aunt Kiki who is actually 48 to my mom's 53. You'll notice it was my mom's birthday last Friday and apparently my father is now drinking absinthe. I don't even want to know. For real. To refresh your memory, they have this guy named Dougie living with them and he's been there for the past six months or so. They also have a friend who rented out this house in Malibu that sits on a bluff overlooking the Pacific and they've been going there on the weekends because when you have a friend who has a 30 million dollar house on the beach it would be stupid not to. I know I would. So that's where they've been going. Here is her post:

"I decided to write a little update. As you know we've decided to stay another month. Actually I fear we will stay longer. The reason being is we are in the middle of so much right now it would be stupid to leave. We are going through very crazy times and it appears the stars are perfectly aligned. Everything that we ever dreamed for seems to be happening at triple speed. In the middle of market crashes, financial devastations, bad news 24 hours a day, there is a crack in the sky where the sun is shining directly on us. I am thanking God almost every hour. I'm not even religious but when thanks is due we need to remember there is something out there much bigger than us.

Anyway this weekend will prove to be incredible. We are staying in Malibu starting Thursday night. Brooke and her family will be staying there too and we will all cook together. This amazing 30 Million dollar home right on Malibu Beach is a definite retreat from bad nerves. We all rock in old time rocking chairs with a fine crystal champagne flute filled with the finest of bubbly spirits. Oh how I love that. I don't care how bad your week was it disappears within an hour and life is just filled with goodness running over. The more bubbly the more stories people seem to tell. It goes from story telling to all out hysterical laughter. People don't seem to laugh as much as they should so I cherish these times. Being in Malibu is always an event because you never know who might stroll in. This weekend the cameras come out and pictures will flow. I will make sure, being you are not with me that you can at least experience the weekend through pictures. I am also going to get Brooke and some of the others to write you some letters for your blog. If you promise to help Brooke I will send never ending stories and pictures. Maybe it is time to notch things up a bit.

I also got the call today that I will most definitely be going to see Dancing with the Stars next week. We will be right next to Brooke's husband so you will see me often. They always direct the cameras toward him when she is dancing. You can do some freeze frames at home and freak the hell out. OH yes it is me live on ABC! You know I will be looking HOT! Your readers will be shocked by the way you describe me. I just had my 53rd birthday Friday as you know. I ended I do not know where but after your father drank two shots of absinthe, (He did not have a clue what that was, but I sure did). Coming from the country that wasn't much about liquor I didn't know. I decided I didn't want my face planted in a toilet a two in the morning so I stayed with a much weaker drink. Glad I made that decision after watching your father try to hold on to a tree then missing it by a mile, nearly hitting the pavement. Good thing Doug was straight as an arrow. Someone needed to drive that car. Anyway, he was fine the next day like nothing ever happened. My birthday was a blast. We spent most of it at Besos, Eva Longoria's new restaurant. The place was packed with partiers from all over.

Boomba has settled in Beverly Hills and is saying he hates Florida. He has 100s of friends and went from being totally antisocial to being the mayor. He can walk to the dog park at speeds unbelievable. He cannot wait to go and believe it or not, at 5:00 he knows it is time to go. He socializes with everyone and when he gets tired he just sits on a strangers lap like he has known them his whole life. This is amazing because this dog likes NO one but me. He is nice and thin, looking incredible. His breath still smells like a skunk's ass but hey, he is 13 and I should be thrilled he still has teeth and can still see.

I have an incredible story to tell you. It seems Doug met up with a few trans-sexuals that he thought were women. This whole debacle has been going on for six weeks now and it is so bizarre that I feel it is a story in itself. I could almost write a book about it. I will save the story for next week. I swear to you it will be incredible and your readers will freak the hell out. So will you! The reason you haven't heard about it is because I can't talk on the phone to tell you because he is always here and I really do not want to hurt his feelings. The story is so damn juicy that it is killing me. I want to tell you about it.

Next week your Papa will be home for the holidays. Enjoy it, I will be relaxing in Bev. Hills eating sushi and looking for new adventures. "

20 comments:

Mrs Parks said...

I'm going to pretend that the letter from your Mom was really a letter from my Mom because your Mom is WAY more interesting than my Mom.

Mattie said...

Your mom is a blast. Now I have to tape Dancing with the Stars and I NEVER watch that show!

NeekoalinAZ said...

OMG I totally want to know the trans-sexual story! Mom - send him on a walk or to the liquor store to get Absinthe for Papa!

Lauren said...

I never had any desire to watch Dancing with the Stars until now... because seing a bloger-I-read's mom on TV is somehow thrilling!?!?!?

Wide Lawns said...

So Do I!!!

Dayna said...

I never watch DWTS, but I will just to check out your Mom.
With your family tree, I think you all need a reality show.

Ordinary Housewife said...

Uh - - . . . are you kidding me? When do we get to hear the transsexual story? Get you mom on the keyboard right now!!!!

Jean/Phoenix said...

It's really all too much! I really want to sit on that porch and hear all the stories and drink in the view and the bubbly! What a fun thing - I love how your Mom just drops in 'at Beso's'. How does she get these reservations? I don't really care, I just love it!

Sauntering Soul said...

Okay, I'll admit it....I already tape DWTS every week. Can't wait to see your mom!

Fancy Schmancy said...

Totally cracks me up she is sending home her husband for the (high?) holidays, but can't make it because she's going to be on Dancing with the Stars. Love it, and will be watching! Glad the dog seems to also be enjoying his Hollywood experiences.

Ambitious Blonde said...

Your family has the best freakin' stories. Seriously. It must be genetic or something.

Oh, and I'm Melissa and I'm new here and I like your blog. Hi! :)

Anonymous said...

Oh man! Do we get to hear a transsexual story? I had been hoping that we could fetishize and be otherwise prejudiced against an already oppressed group of people! Hooray! < /sarcasm>

Laurie said...

Your mom sounds awesome.

cant wait to hear the transexual story!!

Wide Lawns said...

How is telling a story involving a certain type of person fetishizing and oppressing, especially if the story is true? Oh I guess I should only tell stories about white people. Wait, no. White men. Because if there were women that would be oppressive to women. I guess I can't write about myself either. I'm oppressing myself. Look, everyone is funny. It's not ok to just make fun of wealthy, able bodied, straight white men. They aren't even that interesting. You have to be able to laugh at or at least appreciate a story about all kinds of people.

Some idiot once called me transphobic because I wrote about a transexual, actually because I mentioned a transexual person. That is so ridiculous. Writing about someone, in a true story and describing the person and events accurately doesn't mean I have a phobia. I am not afraid of transexual people at all. I've grown up around them. I don't have prejudices against them or oppress them. They aren't a threat to me or anyone else.

I write stories about black people. Does that make me a racist?

At what point does that kind of thinking get completely out of control? And I guarantee you, the person who left that comment would get all up in arms about books at the library being censored or banned. Yet, isn't that person trying to censor me? Doesn't make sense. At least not to my ignorant, racist, red necked, uneducated way of thinking.

Wide Lawns said...

For the record. I love all people. A lot. I have more love for oppressed, down-trodden, outcast people than I know what to do with. At the same time some of these people are assholes and nut jobs just like the rest of us and I'm going to write and recount the stories of all kinds of people no matter who they are, which I actually feel is more inclusive. Wacth now someone's going to say I'm oppressing the mentally ill because I said nut job. For Christ sake's I am probably mentally ill over here.

I love gay people. All the gay people who know me will tell you this too. I love trans-sexual and transgendered people and I know what awful struggles they have to go through in life. Trust me. I really do.

I love black people and hispanic people and asian people and native american people and pacific islander people and every single group of people on this planet. I love them all. And I am going to write about them. And I'm going to write honestly about the acts of certain individuals and hope that my readers have enough sense not to judge an entire grouping of people because of the actions of a few. Because my readers aren't fools and I think they understand that.

stljoie said...

You're fine. So are transexuals and I've never met a boring one. Sooo last week a friend who is quite a drinker slammed a shot of absinthe and I swear he jumped two feet and screamed "What the hell is that?" I saw him the next day and he was still suffering and I mean physically suffering.

Anonymous said...

Jean, I get into Beso's because I drive up in a bad ass car. They have no clue who I am but God forbid they make a mistake! I could be someone important for all they know. I also hang around a few other high profile girls that are very well known in this area. I'm not bragging but we all live in the same building as a family. We love one another and share most everything including our fun times. This is how life should be. Our building is right next door to the Peninsula Hotel. This is where all the stars and papparazzi hang. Remember when Britney was all in the news? We got to know all the media boys because they loved taking pictures of Big Joe while waiting for a pic of Brit. No matter what club we drive up to one of them is there and they always throw a fit that big Joes parents have arrived. This town is crazy. Even Big Joe is a star. I just love it here. It's not down to earth but who the hell wants to be down to earth at age 53? Soon enough I will be sitting in a rocker dreaming of my life that has passed. I will enjoy my days as long as possible even if I am going through my 4th childhood. I hope I never grow up.

mysecondjournal said...

I may try to watch Dancing w/ the stars..I can't believe I typed that.

Wide Lawns said...

Big Joe is the doggie by the way. So to sum up what she said, she lives in a building with a VERY high profile family and they all got to be friends through my parents' charm and good cooking. Aside from that the papparazzi hang out across the street ALL THE TIME right where my parents walk the dogs and usually they have nothing to do except stand around so they get excited when they see the dogs and like to play with them. So, whenever my parents go somewhere and the paps are there, they recognize them from the dogs, act like they're a big deal, which makes the doormen think they're someone important and then let them in to avoid making a mistake that could cost them their job. Plus it helps to be with the high profile family who I can't name but you have heard of them. I personally haven't met them yet, because they moved in recently and I havent been out to LA in a while.

Jean said...

How cool are you to take a moment to answer my curiousity about Beso's! And thank you WideLawns - when I got to the end of your Mom's response I was scratching my head wondering where I had missed the Big Joe story. Thank you both so much. I love this litte bit of life.

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