Sunday, September 28, 2008

A Brief Public Service Announcement

I am sitting here literally made nearly immobile by the piles of papers I need to read and comment on before tomorrow when it becomes Rosh Hashanah and I am subjected to another round of Eastern-European cuisine, when all of a sudden Aunt Kiki calls me.

Aunt Kiki is one of the number one drunk dialing offenders in my family, but in all fairness she is definitely not the only one. So when I see her number popping up on the screen I always feel a sense of doom and dread because you just never know what on earth you're going to hear or if it will make sense. At times she makes perfect sense and sounds like an ordinary housewife. It's like she has multiple personalities - housewife in the suburbs Aunt Kiki or crack whore on the street corner slurring fucked up Aunt Kiki. Today I got an odd combo of both.

It seems that Domestic Housewife Aunt Kiki was making chili when Drunken Lush Aunt Kiki took over halfway through and decided that margaritas go great with chili - 16 of them to be exact. The resulting voicemail, which I have transcribed for you is the result.

A Public Service Announcement From Aunt Kiki:

"I made a big pot of chili today and I cut up about eight kinds of peppers, halla-peenas and them little ones that look like pumpkins and then my hands were burning and just would not stop. Then I went to the bathroom and my pee pee started burning. Then I picked my nose and my nose started burning. I accidentally rubbed my eye and I just about went blind. Now everything on me is burning and I wanted to tell you that if you're going to cut up halla-peenas to make sure you don't touch your pee-pee, your eyeballs or your nose afterwards. My whole body's on fire and I thought because you were a cook maybe you could help me out, maybe you knew a remedy. Can you call me back if you know of something to stop the burning?'

The moral of the story here, a lesson learned the hard way, wear gloves when handling hot peppers. And for the love of god do not touch your pee-pee afterwards, even by accident. No one wants a burning pee-pee. It's a terrible thing.


Fancy Schmancy said...

That was laugh out loud funny. A pee pee is a terrible thing to burn...

That Girl said...

I have made the mistake your Aunt Kiki made...not touching my 'pee-pee' but chopping jalapenos and not washing your hands thoroughly enough afterwards is DEFINITELY a bad combination. Pepper juice in your eye is one of the worst feelings ever!

Emily said...

I too have gotten pepper in my eye (luckily not my pee-pee). A slice of bread to absorb it was a big help. Maybe that would work on the pee-pee too? Couldn't hurt.

Missus Joy said...

I'm guessing what's really got Aunt Kiki hurting is the ones that look like pumpkins. Probably the orange habaneros.

I feel for her, I've managed to rub my eye after cutting up peppers for chili and it burns like fire.

Anonymous said...

Any known antidote for peppers in the eyes? Isn't this essentially what the cops use to disable criminals, i.e., pepper spray?

Robin in Ohio said...

Oh dear! I'm sorry to hear of Aunt Kiki's burning problems. I would suggest applying some plain yogurt to the...ahem...affected area. Milk and milk products are supposed to be good for getting rid of the burning.

I found this quote on a website called Dave's Garden.

"When you're seeding mild peppers such as jalopeƱos, it's a good idea to wear gloves and to be sure to wash your hands afterwards, especially before touching your eyes. With ultra hot peppers such as habaneros, seeding may require additional protective measures. I use a double set of latex gloves or heavy duty gloves to protect the skin of my hands from serious burning pain. I also keep remedies such as saline eyewash, milk, hydrogen peroxide, and baking soda close at hand, just in case."

Mrs Parks said...

I'll leave a real comment later after I stop laughing!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

How to cool the burn of chiles
Posted Aug 14th 2005 5:40PM by Sarah Gilbert
Filed under: Science, Hacking Food

The chemical capsaicin, the component that makes pepper and chiles hot, is a tricky one. Drinking water, as Lynne Rossetto Kasper of The Splendid Table reminds us, does not relieve the burn. Capsaicin bonds with fat, so cream, whole milk, yogurt, and other creamy things are the best antidote. In most cuisine from hot, hot, spicy places, like India and Indonesia, citrusy yogurt and other creamy concoctions are used to counteract ultra-hot foods. If you're cutting chiles, Kasper explains, you can prevent irritation: "Scrub with lemon or vinegar; coat your skin with oil before you start working with the chiles," or "slip plastic bags over your hands" before you start chopping.

Gina said...

I learned the pee-pee lesson firsthand after my husband chopped habaneros for a meal he was making. Later, he felt romantic. it totally ruined the moment (and the next couple hours).

Michele said...

All chilies are, chemically, strong bases. To neutralize the base you need to use and acid...lemon juice or vinegar will work. Either full strength or diluted depending on how much on fire your skin is.

First step is to scrub the burning skin throughly with a detergent soap (soap in your eye is a cake walk compared to habanero juice) ... pretend you're gonna do surgery. Then use the mild acid. Let it dry on your skin.

Don't use lotion or creams until it stops burning. They have oils in them and just smear any remaining chili juice around or keep it in place on your skin.

Been there, done that

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of the time I touched my pee=pee with Bengay on my hands. Not a good idea either unless you like feeling numb.

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