Thursday, August 28, 2008

Stuff

Being the first week of what promises to be an extremely hectic schedule, I am not physically capable of writing an actual story for you all this week, but I can do some more odds and ends kinds of posts for you.

First and foremost my mother is no longer allowed to hang out with Suge Knight. I think we need to make a new rule in our family that states that none of us are allowed to associate with individuals who assault their girlfriends with knives. Or assault their girlfriends at all with anything. Assault is a big red flag by the way. If someone tells you they have a record of assault please get up and leave immediately and don't sit there and make excuses for them like a dumb ass about how they were represented wrong, or the girl was probably a bitch or how they've changed in the past week and wouldn't ever assault anyone this week or my personal favorite, how sure they have a bad temper and have assaulted people but they LOVE you and would never assault you. Before you know it someone'll be standing over YOU with a knife.

Second my husband made a recipe that has to go into the Nasty-Assed Recipes Hall of Fame. I'm getting home very late most nights now which means that Husband has to cook for himself. Generally we share the cooking duties anyway, both of us having distinctly different styles of cooking and skill sets. He bakes and I make good, homey meals with actual nutritional value. Husband also makes nut brittle, cinnamon rolls, cookies and homemade candies. I make really good salads. So usually I make dinner and he does breakfasty, desserty kinds of things. Of course he was a bachelor for a long time and is perfectly capable of making dinner for himself, it's just that the things he chooses to make himself are a little unusual. When we were dating he made himself salad with chicken on it for a solid year and a half at least, every single night. That's not so bad because it's healthy. After that he decided to learn how to make General Tso's Chicken from scratch, which is a messy, arduous process. I like it ok but I don't know if it's worth the work more than once a year or so. He got on a General Tso's kick for a while there, freezing it sometimes or just making it anew several times a week. He also makes burritos and things of a burrito-ish nature and these I enjoy. Another habit he has is that he tops everything with cheetos and/ or cashews and can turn anything into a sandwich which also has cheetos and/ or cashews on it. I tried to tell him that cheetos aren't croutons but he said I am very wrong about this and that cheetos make fantastic croutons. I've just kind of learned to turn my head and let him do whatever he wants to food and that is exactly what I did the other night when I came home and found him at the stove.

It looked innocent enough really. He was browning ground beef and had some rolls toasting. Then he chopped up onion in that and I figured he'd add some cheese and be done with it. But no. The cooking seemed to go on for a longer time than I had imagined it would. Then I smelled hot dogs.

"Do I smell hot dogs?" I asked.

"Yes," he said.

I got up to inspect. Husband had boiled three hot dogs which I didn't even know we had and was chopping them up and adding them to the hamburger meat and onions in a frying pan.

"Where did you get the idea to do this?" I asked with considerable apprehension.

"Rachael Ray."

Oh Dear God, I thought. This means trouble. Rachael Ray is one of the top offenders when it comes to Nasty Assed Recipes and besides that she is maybe the most annoying person on television next to Kathie Lee and Kelly Rippa. I do not like Rachael Ray and her EVOO tomfoolery. But as I always give credit where credit is due she has ONE recipe, ONE people, that I actually like and here it is if you want it. But really, how could that amount of cheese and bacon together not be good? It's not neuro-science. But the recipe Husband made sent shudders down my spine. This is the recipe. I looked at it and I thought perhaps it had potential. The name was unbelievably stupid and irritating and I imagined Rachael Ray's voice saying it and it was even more unappetizing, but I thought, ok, well it can't be that bad. Yes it can. Yes it can readers. It was hideously vile. Husband tried to choke it down. He even tried putting cheetos and cashews on it but nothing could redeem this recipe which can best be described as sweet meat on bread. Extremely sweet meat. Husband thought maybe it was the hot dogs throwing everything off so he picked them out. Then he added some more cheese and tried it again. Nothing could help this recipe. It was putrid. I nearly barfed.

But then I started poking around looking for ways to possibly redeem or save this recipe, an obviously futile idea on my part and I found something even worse. I found a recipe so disgusting, so appallingly Nasty-Assed, that even some of my relatives probably wouldn't eat it. For this Mac and Cheese Dog Casserole Rachael needs to lose her show. This recipe is that bad. But the best part of this Nasty-Assery is by far the comments about the recipe. You must read the comments. I haven't laughed so hard in a while.

Here's is a sampling:

"I made this even though the ingredients didn't sound like they would go well together. I figured a chef wouldn't have people make something that tasted like someone scraped the clogged pipes of a 4 year old kitchen sink...boy was I wrong. I wouldn't even feed this to someone I hated."

"The flavor was weird, I will not make this again. Dog liked it though."

"It was to bland, so before I served it to my family I added a few things. I threw in some crab and some leftover corn chowda. That made it a little thick. So, I put the other 5 beers in from the 6-pack I had bought. Needless to say, my family loved it! I'm only giving this one star because I'm taking credit for most of this recipe."

"IS THIS $HIT FOR REAL??????????????"

"This recipe was really disappointing, although my husband thinks I was crazy for even trying it. He thought it sounded disgusting. Does that mean that Rachael is crazy for writing it? I don't know how my version came out so different, and I have to believe that it did because I don't see Rachael pulling this out of the oven and loving it. Either she was high as a kite and had the munchies, or she is desparate for some new ideas. This was awful! And I love Rachael! But this was REALLY awful!"

"Please do not feed this slop to your growing children."

"i've never tasted anything that resembles the smell of hot bowels but this dish both smells and looks like it came straight from my large intestine. i'm shocked at the number of people that said they fed this to their kids. who are you mothers? if my mom ever tried to serve this to me i'd give her five across the eyes and say, "this has to b an f'n joke. i ain't no april fool." it's good to know that america is being raised on macaroni, cheese, pork, ketchup and mustard. it's like some scientist was trying to create a colon plug and the mac and cheese dog casserole is what he came up with. came close to vomiting. not impressed."

My first favorite is the guy who added an entire six pack of beers along with some crab, because everyone knows how well crab and hot dogs go. Six beers? Really? It must have been like beer crab hot dog soup with some macaronis in it. Really? I wish I could have seen that.

But the last comment is my favorite by far. I love this person, who goes by only George from 1st Avenue. George from 1st Avenue, wherever you are (1st Avenue I'm guessing) you are my hero. You had me at "hot bowels" man. I hope this guy has a blog and if anyone has any idea of who George from 1st Avenue might be or if he does have a blog, please let me know.

And last on my list of random stuff today before I go get some actual work done is that Miss Doxie is temporarily off my list. Miss Doxie was on my list for a long time for disappearing forever then writing really long posts that were funny and then disappearing some more, I thought never to return. Then I thought something awful had happened and she came back, so I thought, well I'll take her off the list again, but then she comes back after like seven months to say that her hiatus was due to a break-up from some dude who wasn't even cute at all and who didn't want to marry her. I have no patience for that so she was really on the list after that foolishness. Miss Doxie is gorgeous. If I were half as pretty as this girl I'd...I don't know what I'd do, but something and I'd probably do it buck naked just because I was that pretty. Miss Doxie is also a lawyer, really funny and seems to be a very fun sort of girl. And she was dating some doofy ass looking dude who didn't want to marry her. Now let me tell you, she posted many a picture of him and I always thought to myself, why on God's green earth is this gorgeous girl with this doofy guy who doesn't even want to marry her? This girl could be with movie stars if she wanted but she gets herself all tore up over HIM? And who the hell does this guy think he is? Unless she's a real bitch and a sloppy alcoholic, which seems unlikely from her writing at least, the guy should've married her ages ago. But they broke up, thank the Lord and now she's supposedly back. But she was still on my list. Big time ON MY LIST. I hold grudges for a while. However, Miss Doxie has finally redeemed herself with her post entitled "Cookie and the Geese." This story had me peeing. I loved everything about it. The illustrations were even better and it made me really miss Atlanta, where Miss Doxie is lucky enough to live. So go read it. But be forewarned Miss D, you pull some more of this shit going out with unworthy men and abandoning your writing over it again and you will be back on my list so fast your head will spin young lady.

Hey! Maybe we could fix her up with George from 1st Avenue!

17 comments:

Sauntering Soul said...

There is no recipe on earth involving hot dogs that I would want to have anything to do with. I really hate hot dogs. But both the recipe your husband tried and the other one you linked to sound especially awful.

Also, I saw Miss Doxie and El Dukay at an arts and craft show here in Atlanta about a year ago. I already kind of felt the same way you do about him based on her blog. I don't mean for this to sound mean or shallow since I don't know either one of them personally (it's going to though) but after seeing them in person I felt that way even more so. She's even more beautiful in person. I hope she's really happy now.

BaxtersMum said...

I too rejoice in the return of Doxie and the Terror That Is Bo's Bowels.

Have a great labor day weekend, chick!

MoxieMamaKC said...

I'm all for "adventurous" cooking, but after reading the ingredients in that recipe, I almost puked. It's good to have an open mind, but when trying new recipes (and I've made some disasterous new dishes)sometimes a semi-open mouth is the best policy. Funny story!

Emily said...

I've always thought that Rachel Ray's recipes looked disgusting, but I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt since I hadn't actually tasted them. Now I know to stay away!

I'd rather spend three minutes making myself a nice salad than 30 minutes making that monstrosity.

Jeanne said...

She does a balsamic chicken and mushrooms dish that is really good. Some of her stuff looks really weird though.

Last Minute Lyn said...

Runaway husband hated Rachael Ray.
He claimed she was nothing more than a product demonstrator, but he thought he was a chef, so his thinking was kinda skewed.
Mom had a series of cookbooks from we think may have been the grocery store. it was like 15 books. Anyway there was a recipe for a corn chowder with cut up hot dogs that was good. I was the first recipe I ever did.

Anonymous said...

oh my god. you are so right. after reading this entry i went straight over to miss doxie to check her out and also to find some pictures of her and him. oh my god. she is amazingly stunning and he is...
not that i should be so shallow but how did they get together!

Jeannie said...

I can't believe anyone with a TV show would create a recipe containing HOT DOGS! I would not consider making it for anyone. A recipe should only contain real food. I would specify that to your husband since he obviously doesn't understand this.

In fact, I don't think mixtures of overly processed foods can really be considered recipes. (like anything kraft concocts) They should not carry that badge.

Suzie said...

I agree with the hate of RR. On top of being one of the most annoying TV personalities, I think her fame as a "chef" or at the very least as a person who can cook is completely mistaken. I wouldn't feed half the things she makes to my dog. Pff, I wouldn't feed them to the neighbors' dog, as annoying as he might be sometimes. It might get me arrested for animal cruelty.

It bothers me even more than people eat her show up and think cooking every meal with pasta, coupious amounts of cheese and pork is good and delicious. Then again, I am in the healthcare field so perhaps my views are skewed by the amount of cardiac disease I get to see everyday. What do I know, right?

I love it how every time she says "EVOO" she has to go ahead and say "that's Extra Virgin Olive Oil!" Yeah Rachel! Way to abbreviate! You really save yourself some time and effort by saying the abbreviation and then having to explain it.

Wide Lawns said...

Jeannie I totally agree with you. My husband on the other hand IS A MAN first off and second I have to sort of defend the hot dogs. They are grass fed, uncured Niman Ranch hot dogs, and we keep a couple in the freezer for BBQs or every once in a rare while when we get a craving for something awful like a hot dog. I would never eat the nitrite laden, pig lip and colon processed kind, although I still think hot dogs in any form, natural or not are gross, and they are even grosser in a recipe. Also the ground beef was grass fed, organic too. But still, I know. I don't know what he was thinking. It must have been childhood nostalgia. I get it sometimes too and start wondering if I'd still like Spaghettios. I think the answer is no.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Rachel Ray = ewwww, that deviled ham dip is crap, also!

Miss Doxie = serious girl crush! I'm glad she's back, also. Let's hope she stays back, this time. Also, did you have a chance to read the comments people were leaving while she took time off? Hysterical, rabid stalkers!

blckbuster said...

THANK YOU for the recipe disaster comments, I've never laughed so loud for a long time. Rachel Ray is just annoying, and apparently she's a real snob irl and this was coming from her loyal(ex) fans.

nandy said...

I can only tolerate hot dogs about once every two years. And never mixed with any other food. Boiled (or nuked), on a roll, with some sweet relish.

I would leave out the hot dogs and the brown sugar, and you might have something edible.

staticwarp said...

i hate rachael ray with a searing passion pulled straight from the depths of hell. if i could do just one thing in the world before i die, it would be to slap that permanent smile off her frightening face. how can you smile like that when you come up with recipes from a nine year old's acid test chef fantasy? how can you smile like that when you are such an idiot that you employ impractical, useless and pretentious kitchen gadgetry like the "garbage bowl"? here's something that may surprise miss ray, but the cooks of the world have been using a similar device for centuries untold. it's called a "garbage can" and it is a humble appliance that i have not yet seen advertised with her name and smug face plastered all over it at the grocery store. please, rachael ray, why wont you just stop? and frown, or look normal, just once! stop taking the drugs the food network reps are shooting into your face. it feels good to frown, or just relax your cheeks, at least once a year.

seriously, how did this woman even get a cooking show?

Yerba Buena said...

I hate Rachael Ray so much. Her food has more sodium than any ostensibly non-processed food has the right to be.

June Gardens said...

Do you know what bugs me? Is when I get a comment on one of my posts eight centuries after I have written said post. So here I am doing it to you.

I found you after I Googled, "Why does Miss Doxie keep disappearing?" because I LOVE her, and I am annoyed with her, and she is exactly like this guy Michael I dated in 1991-92, with the being gorgeous but disappearing thing.

But enough about me. Since you don't know me. What I am SAYING to you is YOU READ MY MIND about Doxie's man. I'm all, really? And once he wrote about her, on her blog, and he called her, "The whole package." It irked me that he reduced her to a package. That he reduced ANY woman to a package.

Okay. Gonna shut up now.

Brandy said...

My favorite comment here was "you can't count on someone who considers their dog a child for kid friendly recipes."

I've never been a fan of RR. She seemed to be on speed, too perky on her best days, outright manic on others. Her frenetic pace makes the show unwatchable to me, it raises my anxiety level.

I agree, why not just chop up some dogs and toss them into a pot of Kraft dinner? Or make the Zatarain's Jamabalaya? Yummy with chicken and kielbasa!

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