Friday, August 22, 2008

Odds and Ends

I'm busy and somewhat agitated because I have lost my summer. Has anyone seen it? Where has my summer gone? Anyone?

School starts on Monday. I waited until the last minute to do everything because I thought summer would last longer or pass more slowly or something. Clearly I lost my memories of grade school, but suddenly they've all come back. That's right, summer does pass more quickly than any other season. As soon as you're done with school and swim in the pool a couple days, maybe go to the beach once or twice, you have to go right back to school. The first day back is, of course, incomplete without a peeling sunburn. Thanks to a week of rain I don't have that this year, but I remember spending large portions of the first week of school sitting at my desk peeling long flakes of skin, like Saran Wrap, off my arms.

What better time to blog though, than when you have ten million things to do and crap to print and things to put into folders and sub-folders and spreadsheets to construct and pens to buy? There is no better time than the present to procrastinate I say, and so I've decided to give you one of those odds and ends posts that catch you up on what my family is doing and what's been taking up my time this week.

1. My Parents Go To Las Vegas - I hadn't heard from my parents in like a week, which was somewhat alarming. I figured this meant they were up to no good.

For the entire summer they've had this guy living with them. They found him here and then somehow he ended up out there in LA with them, which was perplexing to me, although, knowing them it really shouldn't have been. His name is Dougie and I don't really know his story except that he is probably in his 30s and seems at once older and younger than me. My parents have decked Dougie out in Ed Hardy shirts and jeans with rhinestones on the back pockets and now he goes around with them everywhere. I'm not sure why.

So I decided to give them a call and they informed me that they were in Las Vegas and had brought Dougie along and that the three of them were shopping at Ross because the Vegas Ross is apparently off the charts and unbelievable. There is an equally unbelievable Ross in LA but should not be confused with a less fantastic Ross somewhere between LA and Las Vegas that they had visited the day before I talked to them. That one had been a disappointment. I think I'm going to have to make a chart of the unbelievability of all the different Ross stores. The one here would score very low and of course the ones in LA and Las Vegas wouldn't even be on it because they are "off the chart." Not only were my parents in Vegas with Dougie, they were in a trailer park in Vegas with Dougie and the dogs. They had driven there in the bus and found the trailer park, which had a full sized swimming pool, to be equally as unbelievable as the Ross, so much so that they have decided to move there. This winter my parents will be living in a bus in a trailer park outside of Las Vegas. They decided to go back to LA now because Las Vegas is too hot for the dogs and the dogs step out of the bus and refuse to walk. They just lay down on the ground in total surrender. My parents have also informed me that they plan to drive back home in October and to stay here for a couple months which will mean that I will move back to my apartment. That's good. I kind of miss it. That brings me to my next item.

2. I Decide To Sell All My Worldly Possessions - I discovered a consignment shop a few weeks ago in the stylish, gay section of town that I like to frequent for its nice people, fine dining and unique shops. I took a few things in and made a quick buck on them which then incited a full on addiction. I can't help it. No one in my family can do anything in moderation, including myself. I grew up with a mother who does not understand that she is not actually making a profit by buying things at Ross. I try to explain to her that yes, it used to be two hundred dollars and now it's seventeen ninety-nine, but that doesn't mean that you're making $182.01. It means you're still losing the seventeen ninety-nine. My mother loves a bargain so much that she goes wild with spending to the point where the fact that something was a bargain becomes pointless and ironic. Due to this habit of hers we always had a lot of stuff in our house. A lot of stuff. Our homes have always looked like stores. I think my mom may be a bit of a hoarder to be honest with you. I like to call her style of decorating "No Surface Left Behind." She finds comfort in clutter and prefers as much decoration as can be crammed in a single area. Blank spaces seem to make her nervous and as a result, all the clutter and stuff I grew up stumbling over has turned me into her complete opposite. I live for blank spaces. I'm into the whole spare, Scandinavian look with plain wooden tables adorned with only a single, green pear or a smooth stone as a decoration. I like as little crap as possible and my husband is even worse. I still like things to be pretty. He doesn't care as long as they're functional, but that might be because he's a man. So I admit I've gotten a little fanatical myself. Whereas my mother buys and buys I've been selling and selling. I went over to my apartment and started cleaning everything out and trying to sell it because the thrill of selling my possessions seemed far more satisfying than having the possessions. I went overboard and now I don't have very much stuff and the only reason this bothers me is because now I don't have very much left to sell. I've begun to look at things and wonder how much I could get for them.

3. My Sister's Gay Brother Has A Baby - I know. Try to wrap your head around that one for a minute. My sister has a brother that she did not grow up with. As my sister is actually my aunt, my sister's brother is also my mom's half brother. He's a year younger than my sister at 25. He grew up in Appalachia with their biological mother who looks and acts like Brigitte Nielsen when she was on that show in VH1 a few years back, while my sister who is actually my aunt was raised with us as my sister. I don't know him very well, but she kept in touch with him and is quite close with him. His name is Bradford and Bradford was gay. It was obvious from the time that he was a small child and liked to dress in drag. Once he visited us and became deeply enamored with Aunt Kyle, a leopard negligee of my mother's and our elderly Yorkie Gaga. Aunt Kyle kind of took Bradford under his wing as his little protege and we were all happy that finally we'd have a real homosexual in the family and wouldn't have to keep adopting gay men to satisfy our need to hang around with flamboyant and creative, oppressed sub-cultures. We always made sure to make it very obvious to Bradford that we enthusiastically encouraged his gay-ness and that there was nothing wrong with it and that no one would be mad or upset if he were to feel attracted to men, which he was very certain about from the time he was really young. When he was about twenty he dated an older man for a while and everything was going great in their relationship. A few years later he called my sister and informed her that he had gotten married. We thought he meant to his boyfriend. He said that no he was married to an eighteen year old girl. That was two years ago and he claims he's no longer gay. Now they have a beautiful baby girl and he is just thrilled to be a father and I think he will be an incredible father. But the question remains and we have asked him, how can he no longer be gay? Was he bi? Did he just want a baby? What on earth happened? But as he is a member of our family anything can be expected from him and we all just shrugged and said ok and were excited about the baby. Last week my sister went to visit him where he still lives in Appalachia and spent the whole weekend holding the baby, only returning her to her parents when she pooped. I wish I could have gone too because Bradford is an incredible person in spite of the confusion over his sexuality. He had a rough childhood and grew up to be funny, compassionate and hard working. He's a nurse in an old folks home which has to be a difficult and thankless kind of job. It takes a special person and he is one. He also used to have a hilarious blog on MySpace. He's way funnier than I am, but he doesn't write anymore because he's busy with the baby.

4. Tropical Storm Fay was a lot of Rain - I guess you know that already. It rained a lot all week and my life carried on as usual although my poor cousin Fallon lost her car because her neighborhood was badly flooded. The water was up so high that it came inside and soaked the upholstery and ruined the engine and now she's haggling with the stupid insurance company. I feel terrible for her about this. I hope she can get a new car.

In the middle of the storm Monday night I was talking on the phone to Bella who has lost 50 pounds people. 50 pounds!! WooHoo for Bella not eating like a fucking asshole anymore!! I'm so proud of her and can't wait to see her all fit and healthy and full of energy. Anyway, we were on the phone and the damned doorbell rang and I said "Who in the hell would come to the door in the middle of a storm?" I hung up and went to the front door where a sodden mess was standing on the front step with a black yard trashbag over her head. The girl was in her 20s and fairly trashy and tweaky looking with a frizz of hair that looked unfortunately like a sea sponge and she wore black patent hooker shoes. She was wearing some semblance of a business suit, like a business suit as interpreted by Forever 21 and worn with the hooker shoes, which defeats the whole purpose of even trying to wear a business suit. She had arrived in a lowered down Charger with heavily tinted windows which was now parked in the driveway.

The girl under the trashbag claimed to be looking for my father because she had an important business proposal for him. We went round and round with her not telling me what exactly it was and who had sent her. She claimed her "partners" sent her and the proposal was in the entertainment business and that she tried to call my dad and he didn't answer so she looked up the address and showed up. I ripped her a new one for that because you do not show up unannounced during the peak of a tropical storm with a shady sounding "business proposal" and a trash bag on your head. It just isn't sound business practice. I asked her why she didn't just send something in the mail since she had the address and she didn't have an answer and then she started twitching and looking methy and nervous so I made her leave. I think she was some kind of a con artist of some sort. She could have looked in the mailbox and found out my dad's name and he said he didn't know who she was. It was very unsettling. Such is life at Casa dei Sogni though.

I think there's more, but I have plenty of procrastination left for the weekend. I hope you are all well and good and behaving yourselves.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the blog sweetie. I know you're very busy.....BUT, ONCE AGAIN, it was so entertaining. I was LOL at mom and dad's latest antics. Las Vegas trailer park? Orphan named Doug? They are so amusing.

Beverly said...

my grandmother was the same way. she just could not pass up a bargain. way back in the day walmart put orange stickers on their clearance stuff (those over 30 I'm sure remember this if you were around walmarts more than 15 years ago) rather than the green for everyday prices. my grandfather (her husband) said if they packaged cat shit and stuck an orange sticker on it that said 25 cents she would buy it. one day she did in fact come home with some of that fake kids toy poop in a package w/ an orange sticker on it. our family has had quite the laugh over it for years. my mom and i often make remarks about "the granny in us coming out" when we see a deal we can't pass up but don't really need or that someone else must be related to us because they possess this affliction.

TwistedNoodle said...

I'm glad you're ok and didn't get flooded out.

I was beginning to wonder if you lost power again and all that delicious food you froze.

Now, about that flow chart?....

freedragon said...

My summers always disappear like smoke too. I try to make them last and I plan fun summer activities, but now it is almost fall and I haven't been to the river as much as I wanted and it makes me not want to go back to work ever again.

Lulu said...

Jesus God, is there EVER a dull moment around Casa del Sogni?

Luckily for us, your faithful readership, it seems not.

Beverly said...

i concur. i have never had the kind of stuff happen to me that happens to you! lol

BoB said...

I completely forgot, I was going to give you some suggestions for bypassing the freak magnet. It involves a physics lesson. It doesn't really need a physics lesson to work, but I thought it might be good to include the theory.

Let me know if you still need that thing turned off and I'll work on it before my classes start next Wed.

the new girl said...

Oh. Well. If your AUNT is really your SISTER and her brother...wait.



I laughed. out. loud.

It's just not sound business practice!

Karen said...

When my house burned, 18 years worth of household accumulation was sorted, saved or trashed, and then cleaned and packed up by strangers. Everythign I owned sat in a big storage pod while they rebuilt my house. It was uncomfortable to have strangers go through and evaluate what was left of what we owned, but also quite liberating. It was out of my hands. I got rid of half of it when I unpacked and moved back in, and I just keep shedding stuff. I feel like it lessens the force of gravity on my life.

booda baby said...

There is no better time than the present to procrastinate is just one sweet line!

I'm really glad Fay spared your refrigerator and freezer.

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