Monday, August 04, 2008

Jigger, Please

Earlier in the day I dropped my sister off at a new job because there was nowhere to park. Due to her earlier fiasco with the boyfriend who turned out to be a liar and who stole all her money (no, seriously, he even stole out of her change jar) my sister ended up losing her job at the Rusty Badge, where she had worked for four years. My sister is a bartender. I know nothing about drinking. Literally nothing. I have never been drunk in my entire life. I don't know how to make drinks and don't know what most drinks even are. If I go out for a drink I let someone else order for me because I don't even know what I like except for pina coladas. I do like those. Apparently no one orders those anymore except time travelers from the 70s and elderly tourists from Canada.

Later that evening I had to go back and pick my sister up, but this time I had with me Husband, two of my cousins and one of my cousin's friends because we were all going out. I had met the friend a couple times before but I really didn't know a lot about her, which is important to the story, I swear. I pretty much just knew her name and that she was nice, but I didn't know anything about her background. As you can imagine the car was dangerously crowded, somewhat like a clown car of my family. My sister got in and squished practically on top of the two cousins. She immediately began complaining.

"I can not stay at this job. This is definitely not going to work out"

"Why not?" I asked, "Looks like a nice place."

"Ughhh. No. There's no way I can work with a jigger everyday. No way. I'm not working with a fucking jigger!"

Everyone in the car is horrified into silence. No one knows what to say.

"No way," my sister continued, "This is fucking ridiculous. I told them, I've been in this business eleven years and I should get some credit here to be able to make my own decisions about how I work and I refuse REFUSE to work with a god damned jigger!!"

My sister was furious. I had never seen her behave this way. I was mortified. I couldn't believe she would talk that way about someone and use that kind of terrible language. My mother didn't raise us to use racial epithets and besides, why would she care so much about who she worked with? Then I started thinking, what if my cousin's friend had black family members? What if she had a black boyfriend or a mixed child? I didn't know anything about her, but I began to imagine that she was the only white girl in a large, black family and was now, because of my insensitive sister, feeling angry and hurt. Besides that Husband has African American family members too. Hell, my sister and I have a black brother, which made this all the more shocking.

What had gotten into my sister, I wondered. Since when had she turned into a raging racist? And what should I do about it? While I was contemplating throwing her ass out of the car she was still going on and on about how much she hated the jigger. Finally I turned around and gave her a deadly glare.

"Sister!! What is wrong with you? Would you please stop using that kind of language in my car!" I demanded.

"What are you talking about?" she said.

"Stop calling your co-worker a jigger. It's terrible."

"What? No. No. You thought - No. Oh my God. Do you know what a jigger is?"

"Yes and it's not nice to call someone that!"


"It is?" I said meekly.

"Yes. It's a little metal cup. Did you actually think-"

"Yes!!!" said every single other person in the car at once (so clearly this was not just my own ignorance.)

"All of you thought I was saying -"

"YES!!" we repeated.

"You all need to stop listening to so much hip-hop."

So, umm, yeah. This is what a jigger is. You can order you own set, as seen in the picture above, from Amazon should you not have a problem working with a jigger, as my sister did.
My sister didn't go back to work there and I have cut back on my Jay-Z listening. Perhaps I need to go out for drinks more often as well.


Anonymous said...

People who travel to Mexico order a lot of pina coladas, which in case you were wondering, have hardly any alcohol and about 12,000 calories. I mean, we're talking cream, coconut milk, pineapple juice...not nearly enough rum.

That said, if you like pina coladas, you'll love the Miami Vice, it's 1/2 colada and 1/2 strawberry daquiri! Mmmm...fruity and fattening and delicious.

Wide Lawns said...

That's why I think I like them so much. I've had the Miami Vice!!! It's really good. I think I like fruity, sweet, syrupy, frozen girl drinks mostly.

When I was in Mexico I had margaritas (not frozen) with chopped up strawberries. That was really good. And we had sangrita which was like a spicy bloody maryish thing. Ok, but not as good as the margaritas.

Unknown said...

The only reason I know what a jigger is is because of my trusty Boat Drinks book.

Which I've read through but never used. Go figure.

Emily said...

Ha well I'm glad you spoke up so you all didn't just leave the clown car assuming had become bigoted toward "jiggers."

Lauren said...

Hilarious!!!! Especially love the title of the post :-)

I used to work at a coffee shop and we used a jigger for the sugary syrups we used to flavor the coffee drinks!

Anonymous said...

OMG hysterical! I have also never been drunk...BUT I knew what a Jigger was.

Try Kahlua and Cream sometime, it taste yummy. Its pretty much all I drink cuz I don't like alcohol very much. But you have to like the taste of coffee, it has a coffee flavor to it.

mbahawk said...

So why does your sister think using a jigger is so bad?? Is it b/c a good bartender should be able to eyeball the correct amount and requiring the measuring cup means that her bosses don't trust her?

Unknown said...

Oh that was funny

I know what a jigger is. Worse I once worked at a bar that had these computerized shot thingies. After we had been pouring freehand they put those in and my tips went down to practically nil. Guess I'm a heavy handed pourer...but my customers loved me.

Fancy Schmancy said...

That is funny as Jigger heck! You totally crack me the Jigger up. Let's get Jiggy with it. I'll stop, now. But it is still really funny. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I NEVER listen to rap music and I thought exactly the same thing. Very funny! Thank heaven you said something.

Beverly said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA seriously that's about the funniest thing i've seen in a while. i bartended for several years and i too hated using jiggers. they're a pain in the ass.

also - if you like pina colada, try a malibu (or parrot bay) and pineapple juice. i rarely drink anymore but when i do, i try to make sure it's w/ juice so it counteracts the dehydrating effects of the alcohol. i cannot stand the taste of booze most of the time but i do like those.

there was a drag bar i went to for a while when i was bartending (was the only place open on sunday nights that had decent music) and they had a drink the bartenders called the "miss celie's blue" - it was frickin fantastic. it had blue curacao, vodka, sweet and sour, a splash of 7 up and something else but i've forgotten what. maybe rum but i don't think so. it was gooooood.

staticwarp said...

i seriously didnt think anyone didnt know what a jigger is. dont they teach that in school anymore?

and could someone please explain to me what an african-american is? how can you be a citizen of two countries at once?

this is kind of funny, but at the same time it is disturbing to me that people go up in arms just because something kind of sounds like an epithet. remember the congressman who used this word? homeboy had to resign! and the word has nothing to do with race! come on folks. lets grow up and grow some thicker skins here.

Steph said...

Being a former bartender, I have to agree with your sister- using a jigger sucks. I once quit a job because of it. They just slow you down, especially if you're in a busy club trying to do 10 million things at once..

Just an FYI.

Hilarious post!

Anonymous said...

I couldn't stop giggling from the
first jigger. Like you, I don't drink (except once, 2l shots of tequila at 24 years of age) Then
we bought a bar, and I went right into bartending l0l. No idea between cc and coke, or Johnny
Walker - imagine red or black.
ooops- don't want to get back into the jiggers of it all. But I will
say, I do understand your sis.
After ll years, I believe she
freepours to the ounce.
She'll find a place she likes.
Our bar was called BJ Cuddles, seated 450, and had Sting sitting
there strumming on guitar, just
dropping in - magical.
A Pina Colada, even
back then was not ordered as much
as the orgasms, blowjobs, etc.
and I have no idea what shooters
are called today. Go to work with your sis for even a day. Bartending is one tough job.
No wonder she was so upset, but
the story is great though. truly. madly.deeply. hilarious.

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious! I loved it. But this whole never been drunk thing? I'm not advocating alcoholism or anything, but I've just taken a vow to try to act more like I do when I'm drunk. (Apparantly, I love life way more.) Go grab a jigger and get your drunk on, girl!

the Bag Lady said...

This totally cracked me up! At least you weren't pissed off at her, thinking she was talking trash about a little dancing Irishman....

I can't believe none of you knew what a jigger was....young folks these days...tsk tsk *shaking old grey head*

JoeinVegas said...

Stick with the Pina Colada if you like it - we do a lot of margaritas out West, some bars have dozens of flavors.
But leave the jiggers to those who know, I vote with Fancy and suggest we all get Jiggy with it.

Hilary said...

I'm with Baggie.. old and Canadian.. and I use a jigger all the time lest I make them too strong. I'd have loved to have seen the looks on your faces as you all misunderstood your sis, though. :)

Boomer said...

Hah! That's one of those good old stories that'll never get old. You and your sister will be cracking each other up over it 20 years from now.

Missicat said...

That is hysterical!!! I have friends who are bartenders and apparently using jiggers is a pain.
Just think, from now on all one of you has to do is say the word "jigger" and you all will crack up....

Anonymous said...

Knowing full well what a jigger was, I read your story with a "so?" attitude. I was waiting for your sister to rant about how she could full well measure a shot of booze after her years of experience. I waited for an appropriate denouement. Alas, it didn't come.

But your misinterpretation was funny.

Anonymous said...

Don't feel bad....I had no idea what it was either!

Aarwenn said...

I'm with your sister--a free pour is where it's at! Jiggers take forever! And they make you look like an amateur, even if you're not. Boo on jiggers.

Also, I agree with everyone who wondered what they're teaching the kids these days. :) It's a jigger! It's not a mispronunciation of a terrible word! It's just a metal cup!

Anonymous said...

...I like my jigger. I actually own one, it lives in my drawer with my other measuring devices. Why doesn't your sister want to use a jigger?

jennifer said...

wow - my 60 yr old, slightly drunky, cuban mom knew what one was.

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