First of all, one of my biggest pet peeves ever, ever, ever is when people spell words with a K that ought to be spelled with a C. I hate it. It's annoying, cutesy and stupid and dammit, who decided that a K is cuter than a C anyway? Why? When I see words like Kountry Kitchen and Kiddie Kamp I want to smack the krap out of someone. What makes it worse is when the K is backwards a la the Toys R Us logo who I blame for starting that shit. Dyslexic people everywhere should rise up against the unfair cute-ification of their disorder and cry out that writing letters backwards isn't an adorable childhood trait! It's a serious disorder which affects millions of people!
At least the Kum & Go's K is facing the right direction. The K here, I don't get it. Spelled correctly I guess the gas station's name would be Cum & Go which brings us into some treacherous territory. Think of the customers who would see that as a command. Imagine the toilet paper they'd go through in the men's bathroom. All kinds of seedy people would think the gas station was a massage parlor, a peep show or a brothel. Perhaps the owner thought the K would fix that because obviously Kum is not the same thing as Cum.
But I think the gas station in the picture above was of a different gas station. A mobile maybe? I can't recall. That's not important. What's important is that this gas station has corn growing in front of it and that there is an angry cardboard sign imploring you to leave that corn the hell alone. Let's do a quick close reading of this sign, because it did, I confess, confuse me.
First off there is corn and it is growing at a gas station. While this is unusual to me, it wasn't that bad. The corn is pretty and makes for nice landscaping and lately I've been on a kick where I think people should use their land to grow food instead of ornamentals. You all know I'm weird like that.
Now the rule is that whenever there is a sign telling you not to do something it is because some jackass has done that very thing the sign warns you against. Apparently someone has not left this corn alone.
The PLEASE!!!! implies some serious frustration on the sign maker's part. This gives me the impression that someone had been messing repeatedly with the corn and would not stop messing with the corn despite numerous admonitions.
The sign could have said "Please don't touch the corn" "Don't walk on the corn" "Don't pick the corn" etc. But the sign doesn't say that and word choice is important. My suggestions for what the sign could have said instead are all pretty low key requests that all say that in case you might be thinking about messing with this corn just don't and all will be ok. The corn needs to grow. If you drive over it, stomp on it or pull on it it can't grow, so don't do these things.
That's not the tone of the sign at all though. The sign is upset. It begs you to PLEASE!!!! LEAVE THE CORN ALONE. The tone of the sign brings to mind a person in agony - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE LEAVE THE CORN ALONE!!!! JUST LEAVE THAT CORN ALONE!!!!!!!!!
For someone to be in this degree of agony over this corn I infer that there were a series of events involved where the corn was molested. I'm interested in the words "Leave the corn alone." That makes me think the corn had a lot of unwanted company. "Leave X alone" is kind of a colloquialism. I've often heard it used in situations like "leave that roadkill carcass alone kids" "leave your grandmother's wig alone, that is not a toy" or the ever popular "leave your pee-pee alone, we are in public for god's sakes." That last one has never been directed at me of course because I always leave my pee-pee alone in public. So whenever you tell someone to leave something alone it is always in a situation where someone is bothering/ playing with some thing that ought not be and they just will not stop.
What was happening to this corn, readers? What? Who would not leave corn alone and why? Were people so struck upon seeing corn growing at a gas station CORN AT A GAS STATION! IMAGINE!! that they lost all good sense and didn't know how to act? Was that it? Or was there something more sinister going on? Some ill-advised fraternity hazing ritual perhaps? I shudder to think. In fact, I shuddered thinking about it all night. What suffering has this corn endured?
Then at 5 this morning we had a terrible thunderstorm with 70 mile an hour winds, which is hurricane strength I'll have you know, and there was hail and tornado sirens were going off and the hackneyed freight train noise (storms you are so cliche, please find a new noise to make, ok? I am totally over freight trains having been through four hurricanes in the past four years). I opened the door and stood looking out at the trees bending, the lashing powerlines and the constant flashes of lightning and I found myself thinking rather unexpectedly.
"I wonder how that cardboard sign held up in this mess. And I hope the corn made it through."
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