Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Someone Give My Mom a Book Deal Right Now

Yeah, forget about me, someone needs to give my mom a book deal right now. Lately she's been writing me the most entertaining emails on the most random of topics. My particular favorites are the ones concerning her celebrity sightings in LA. They're usually the most funny when she recognizes the person as a celebrity but doesn't know their name. I can't tell you how many times my parents have called me wanting to know someone's name.

Last Fall they were getting takeout from an Italian place in Brentwood and they had a waiting area with coffee. My mom wanted some coffee and this guy who looked really familiar poured her a cup and started talking to her and she knew he was famous but couldn't remember who he was or what he had starred in so she just acted like he was anybody else. He and his wife got their food and left and then my dad called me and went through this long elaborate process of trying to explain to me who poured my mom coffee. All I could figure was that he was Jewish. Then my father goes "I've got it!!! OPERA MAN!"

"Adam Sandler?? You just got coffee poured by Adam Sandler?"

"Yes! Yes!"

How do you not remember Adam Sandler and then when you do remember Adam Sandler you remember him by one of the stupidest and least memorable things he's ever done? Only my parents.

"What about Big Daddy?" I asked, "Or at least if you want to go with the whole Jewish angle you could have at least remembered the Chanukah Song. If you're going with SNL skit songs I'd say the Lunch Lady song was way funnier than any of his Opera Man songs. What about The Wedding Singer? Or some of his more serious roles like Spanglish which no one liked except me I think?"

"Never heard of any of it. I just remember Opera Man," my dad said.

I love when my parents see celebrities and definitely not so much because I am star struck but more because my parents' stories about seeing celebrities are often like this and my mother describes them in, well, her own unique way. I'd love to see her doing the red carpet at the Oscars for E! or something. She'd be way funnier than Joan Rivers or Star Jones or whoever they've got doing it now.

I've decided that whenever my mom sees someone famous she has to email me and I will post her star sightings on here for your pleasure. It just isn't fair that I'm the only one who gets to read these.

Here is the first one from about ten days ago.

"I saw Gwen Stefani at Mastro’s leaving the restaurant. I was the only one that saw her. The rest of the table missed it so when I said quietly: There goes Gwen. They all stopped talking and said: Gwen who? I said: Stefani. As soon as the words got out of my mouth they all hauled ass out the door to take a picture. I was so damn embarrassed! Holy shit it was like a stampede for free cheese and milk at the welfare line. Well as they all ran Gwen got in an older pick up truck and quickly left. They saw her but only for a few seconds. Funny how everyone expects to see these stars in limos etc. when mostly they are pretty normal. I mean shit, she’s not a rapper."

Then over the weekend I got this one.

"9:00 we decide we are going to BLT. We made reservations and as we arrived our friend called. He said Hey add me on the list. We did. We get seated when all of a sudden we see our friend entering the door with his cousin. He comes to the table and whispers in my ear: There's your girl Viviana Fox. I said who the hell is Viviana? The only one I ever knew worked for us back when we were doing the green lipstick. I turned around to the table and looked to see who he was talking about and there she was, sitting there the most gorgeous ever - Vivica Fox. Looking like an angel. Wow is she beautiful. She was sitting with co-stars from a TV show. Don't ask me who 'cause I don't know. Everyone else did. Believe it or not, no one even looked their way. Just like normal dressed people having dinner. I really think people don't recognize them. I certainly hardly ever do. They just look so much better on TV. It’s amazing how glamorous they get them looking. By the way, her body was very tall, butt a bit on the big side and her legs a little crooked. Face is heavenly. Very classy acting."

Vivica A. Fox has crooked legs? What on earth does she mean by crooked legs? I wonder if she was with the cast of "Curb Your Enthusiasm"?? Can I just tell you 1. how much I love that show and 2. how much I loved HER on that show? That scene in the finale of the last season where she cusses out Suzie on behalf of Larry was the funniest shit I think I have ever seen. I had to rewind the TiVo and watch it 3 or 4 times, I kid you not. I thought she was hilarious the whole season. Of course in the past I've tried to get my mom to watch "Curb Your Enthusiasm" with me. A friend of mine was even on one episode, and she couldn't do it even to watch him. She thinks Larry is an asshole. I tried to tell her that was the point.

I also need to add here that I am extremely jealous of my parents for going to BLT Steak which is my favorite restaurant in the entire world at the moment. I can't wait until the Miami location opens. It's all about the cheesy popovers. If you live in a city or visit a city with a BLT you have to go to have the popovers. Mastro's is pretty good too. We went over our Christmas vacation. Steak is pretty much steak most of the time. I don't get excited over it, but Mastro's had this butter cake with strawberries on it that was indescribable. I almost caused a scene in the restaurant over it. Ok, that's enough of my restaurant reviews, but I wonder what's up with my parents and the fancy steakhouses lately.

So I will leave you with something sweet my mom wrote that has nothing to do with stars. I am posting it because I thought maybe someone out there needs to hear it besides just me.

"I don't know if I told you this but I believe I did. Being in your 30s is the most difficult time in one’s life. By the time you get 40 you will already have learned that worry is destructive. Being positive even when times look dreary will get you where you have to go faster."

She's always right.


Anonymous said...

Your mom's last comment came at a great time for me. So thanks.

Wide Lawns said...

SEE! I knew it! I knew someone needed to hear that as much as I did.

Aviatrixt said...

"I mean, she's not a rapper."


Aviatrixt said...

One last thought--with permission, I would like to reprint your mom's words of wisdom with a link back to your blog.

Truly, I needed to hear this today.

Wide Lawns said...

Sure no problem, just give us both credit!

Hilary said...

Lovely words of wisdom from your Mom. She sounds like a joy in so many ways.

Anonymous said...

I am passing your mother's words of wisdom onto someone else who needs it so much more than me.

I am the polar opposite of your mom with celebrity stuff. I drive my husband crazy because I'll be watching or just listening to something on the tube or radio, and I'll say, "Do you know whose voice that is?" And I nail it every time.

I'm a movie buff so I'm good with that as well. TV, hmmmm, I'm only so-so. Don't watch much of that.

BUT People magazine is my Bible. So that's where I get a lot of celebrity trivia from as well.

JoeinVegas said...

Wow - three kinds of posts on one blog - Florida, LA celebrity sightings, and food reviews. Thanks

Anonymous said...

I just had to leave a quick comment - I have been lurking and reading your blog for awhile now and it always gives me a real positive/happy feeling. This time especially so. Your mom's a smart cookie.

Bri said...

I think I love your mom. Thanks for that, I did need to hear that I'm not the only one.

Holly said...

Hey, there's an ice cream place five minutes from my house with a photo of Adam Sandler up on the wall. Supposedly, his parents used to live here, and he was visiting when he came in for ice cream. How come I never see celebrities like that?!

Anonymous said...

Here's a great blog to read. There's several years of archives to keep you occupied. Its called, Boobs, Injuries, and Dr. Pepper.


She's very very funny, but she can also be very serious when she needs to be. Enjoy.

Unknown said...

I love those words of wisdom from your mom. Today was a good day to hear that.

Amblus said...

"That scene in the finale of the last season where she cusses out Suzie on behalf of Larry was the funniest shit I think I have ever seen. I had to rewind the TiVo and watch it 3 or 4 times, I kid you not."

Ha! I totally did that too because the first time I was laughing so hard I missed some of it. Then I had to watch it three more times so it was part of my soul. Best show ever.

Anonymous said...

Three things

1- Your mom is totally right. Mom's usually are.

2- Now I have to go online and find episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm cause I've never seen it.

3- I LOVED Spanglish. I don't always like Adam Sandler but I loved that movie.

Keep up the celebrity sittings.

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