Saturday, May 24, 2008

My New Hangout and Other Weirdness

This morning at Starbucks a six foot plus, Goth drag queen spilled an entire Venti, vanilla bean Frappucino, with whipped cream, all over me. Surprisingly this didn't annoy me at all, possibly because my legs were bare and I was wearing flip flops so it was very easy to clean and nothing got ruined, but more so because now I get to write the sentence above. How many people can boast of such claims? I mean really. It was like for a few seconds I was in John Waters movie. The guy next to me with a red white and blue mohawk, who was about 65 might I add, only helped in adding to the ambience as did the mother with a lip ring who was concerned that some of it might get on her because it contained dairy, which would apparently contaminate her purity in some way. I will never visit any other Starbucks besides this one, in my town again. I have found my place. And just yesterday, as I was driving past I wondered to myself what must it be like in a Starbucks that it right next door to a gay strip club. Now I know.

In addition to discovering the new Pink Flamingos Starbucks this morning I also received the oddest and most random email from my mother (who never emails me by the way) ever. It went like this:

"Dear Daughter,

Last night I ran into Suge Knight at the Peninsula. We had a wonderful time together. He is nothing like they say. He was very soft, kind and respectful.


Your Mama"

My mom is hanging with Suge Knight at the Peninsula Hotel? Fo' real? Is this possible? Is this my life? My mother is hanging with the founder of Death Row Records? Lord have mercy. I knew it though. I always said my mother was a Rap star with her gigantic purses and her bus. So yeah, readers in Los Angeles, if you happen to see any blonde women in their early 50s dangling by their ankles from hotel windows please do me a favor and call 911 because that will be my mom and I would just really appreciate it. Thanks.

I'm anxiously awaiting my mom's first hit single "I Got a Big Ass Purse and Bus, Bitch."

Yee-ah. Unh-Huhn.


Anonymous said...

I just have to tell you (because I rarely ever comment) that I look forward to your posts over any others on my reader.

I love the way you write. Plus, the part about flow-charting your family strikes a chord with me as well!

Anonymous said...

I love your mom - she rocks! I am only her age and I never get to hang with Suge.

Your faithful reader,
Jean, Phoenix

Anonymous said...

Lordy, lordy, tell mama to stay away from that varmit. He's dangerous. I think he's been in prison, or I know at least tried for some criminal offense, rumored to have offed Tupak, and generally misbehaving in every way possible.

Anonymous said...

girl, hilarious all over again. I sometimes can not hardly take it.

Wolfie said...

I don't get it. What's a "bus"? Unless you mean an actual real bus, like Greyhound or School. Is that it?
I'm confused...

A Margarita said...

LOL! Ditto to exactly everything Mattie said.

Anonymous said...

Man, if it gets out that she called Suge "soft" I fear for her life!

Anonymous said...

I'm impressed that your mother has HEARD of Suge, much less is hanging out with him!

About Me

Blog Archive